My Email "Interview" with Sahar Khan

Today I received an email from Sahar Khan, a writer based in Chicago. She stated that she had received my information from Paul Kyriazi, who wrote the book "How To Live The James Bond Lifestyle." As Paul is an amazing man and I consider him a friend, I knew that Sahar was not likely just "shining me on." So I took my time to answer the questions...what do you think? How would you have answered them differently?

Solitaire.

What do you teach in your seminars?
You can see our seminars at www.fempowerment.com


What does living the Bond girl lifestyle entail?
The "50,000 ft. view" of a Bond girl lifestyle is that the Bond girl has her own life/business (e.g., she might own a circus, fly planes, be an attorney, or the like), but somewhere in her life (and I use the metaphor of the Bond girl's relationship to Bond), she has to be "#1 at being #2." She is a member of a team, but not the "leader" of that team (except as a "Kinetic Leader"...I learned about this concept from Robyn Benincasa of "World Class Teams" -- see www.worldclassteams.com. The idea of "Kinetic Leadership" in a nutshell is that when the team turns to you for your expertise, you are ready with it -- but you let others lead when it's not).

And, a Bond girl is "indispensible" because she is actually not #1. Think of the movies -- the Bond girl has a "depth" of specific knowledge in an area, and Bond utilizes that depth because he "needs her" specific knowledge -- but she is not the "lead." The best way I can describe this is that a Bond girl is a "best supporting actress." I find that usually the women that take the seminars are high-powered in their own right -- COOs, running their own businesses, and the like -- but they have somehow "forgotten" how to be #2. How to be "sexy" while also being "empowered." They wind up (if single) not having dates on Friday night, or only being able to talk about themselves (forgetting how to listen and be curious about a potential "James"), or (if married/partnered) not being willing to be "supportive" of their "James" e.g., looking for a "quid pro quo" for anything they "give," or to "lead" all the time.

In the movies, though the Bond girl is definitely her own woman/a lead in her business (think, for example, Dr Christmas Jones the nuclear physicist in The World Is Not Enough), she takes a "supporting" role when she is in relation to Bond. She is not the one out "fighting the bad guys" but she is DEFINITELY the one controlling the "open/close" switch for Bond to get back after HE fights the bad guys, etc. Many MANY people think of Bond girls somehow as "the bimbo that sleeps with Bond in the movie." I always smile at that, when you look at the women like Honey Rider, Pussy Galore, Dr Christmas Jones, and the like. Oh sure -- there are some "women" thrown in there who just lie down with an "Oh James" -- but they're never the "actual" Bond girl from that movie, they are usually some doctor who Bond needs to clear him to go back into action, etc. Again -- the deal here is that the Bond girls, even back decades ago -- were always really 'ahead of their time' with respect to what jobs they were doing -- Pussy Galore for example had her own "flying" circus -- Octopussy ran an ~actual~ circus. I think the coffee table book "Bond Girls Are Forever" lays out my position about Bond Girls fairly well, as does my website. :-)


What are its main attractions?
The main attractions of living the life of a Bond girl is that you (a) live a life of passion and (b) are "indispensible" to someone in the meantime. You live a quality life -- not a quantity life. A Bond girl needs to be prepared to be spontaneous -- she needs to keep time free, to say No when she needs to, to have time for herself. What if her James comes home one day and says "Let's go to Paris!" Is she going to have to say "oh my, No, I have to take the kids to soccer, I have to..."...? She has to be prepared to be spontaneous. A Bond girl knows who is going to watch the cats, walk the dog, feed the plants...and if she's going to take the kids too, how to get them their lesson plans and get on the plane! Or -- she has to have a Plan B for them. The people and situations around her support who she is.

Remember, a Bond girl is indispensible. By being the "support" of James, she actually does key things, and doesn't argue that she is somehow in a "secondary" position. And as such -- she is a key link in getting the job done -- from that position. I honestly believe that many women have lost this fEmpowered (feminine + empowered) lifestyle in their quest for the Big Corner Office or, as I heard at one Women In Business seminar, in their desire to "kick down the doors and come in, guns blazing." Bond Girls have quiet mastery over their business, while also taking the role of "#2" calmly and easily.

What's an example? Imagine if Dr Christmas Jones were to have said to Bond (when he tells her "I will swim out here to get the bad guy, you stay here to push this button") "oh NO. ~I~ want to be the #1. ~I~ want to swim and get the bad guy. ~You~ stay back here and push the button." They would have both drowned.

Bond girls know where they lead -- but also where they follow. As my website says -- net/net, Bond is a government employee (smile) -- and there are 8 others "just like him" one must imagine (as he's "007" of the "double Os" -- so they must run from 001 to 009 at least, right?). But each Bond girl is unique. Think even of the Bonds themselves -- there have been 1/2 dozen of them -- but no Bond girl repeats with a new actress playing her.

I found that in the last Bond film, the Bond girls started moving more in a "Lara Croft" direction. I am sorry to see this. Many people think that the idea of being a Bond girl is a Lara Croft-type character -- or, at a softer level, a "Charlie's Angel." That's not my thesis. Bond girls are definitely different. They are "regular women" who rise to "extraordinary circumstances"; they are women who Bond needs to accomplish his mission, and as such, he appreciates and counts on them., without anyone making a "big deal" out of it.

How can a woman on a budget live that life?
VERY EASILY. She needs to do what she's passionate about -- and she needs to NOT live "beyond her means." Many nascent Bond girls' -- and, if you watch Oprah, most women's -- big BIG issues revolve around debt management. Bond girls figure out what they're passionate about -- and they do that (that's the thing they are #1 in). But then they go through their clothes/makeup/car/desk/purse/etc. and they pare down to the MINIMUM that will allow them to be chic, saavy, confident, appealing, "ready." A Bond girl is NOT a clotheshorse -- especially if it puts her $10,000 in debt! In fact, the less she has, the better -- because the less she has, the less she needs to "worry about" if Bond says "time to help me with this adventure." A Bond girl is congruent within herself -- she is balanced at her core, she is passionate and stable, ready and sexy -- and she doesn't need to buy her umpteenth pair of designer jeans or the latest "bling" to "show" it. In fact, she doesn't need to "show" it at all.

I have had women who are hair stylists, COOs, owners of their own companies, housewives, students, and the like take my seminars. The key to being a Bond girl, in fact, is really travelling light in ALL ways. That means getting rid of "frenemies" (friends who are really enemies -- who talk you down, make you purchase things you don't need, gossip, etc.), getting rid of debt, getting rid of bad attitudes, getting rid of clothes that bind or makeup that's old. Bond girls exercise -- so that they're healthy and prepared. They choose their image, and then they go for it -- within their budget. They aren't know it alls (Bond is the one who needs to know what date of Bollinger champagne is the one to order), BUT they have done some investigation into what they like and don't like (e.g., so they aren't stuck with saying "a glass of Chardonnay please" when they might actually like a negroni...much more mysterious!).

They also aren't "Eeek Girls." I had a friend who was taken out skeet shooting and when handed a gun, did the "Eeeeeek!" routine. This woman was trying to impress one of the guys that was on the shooting expedition -- and so instead of having him teach her about the shooting, wound up talking about how she "hates guns" and such (with her widdle fingers in the air barely touching the barrel of the gun: "Eeeeeeeeek!!!"). Give me a break. A Bond girl generally does NOT know how to do things outside of her own area of expertise -- but she is infinitely curious and ready to learn. (Even if something is something she might not "like" -- like my friend -- if she's in the situation, she will ALWAYS be game to try . Why was my friend out there if she was going to be an "Eeek Girl"? I have no idea -- but this is not what Bond girl does. She's feminine -- but she's empowered. She's NOT an "Eeek Girl." If she doesn't want to be in a situation -- she stays away. Otherwise -- she's game).

What essential gadgets would a woman need to emulate that lifestyle? For example, what kind of car,watch, briefcase, etc. should she have?

A Bond girl is all about attitude. And I don't mean she "has an attitude" -- I mean she is congruent in her own attitude and balanced in herself. She doesn't "need" any essential gadgets except to have an open mind and the ability to realize that her essentiality to Bond is all about supporting his mission. Again -- she has "her life" -- Bond girls are experts in their "area" and have deep knowledge that Bond doesn't really have. He has "a little knowledge about a lot of things," she has deep knowledge about a few things, which is why she's involved to begin with. A Bond girl, in fact, should have very FEW "gadgets" -- my seminars talk about clearing out her purse, desk, car , etc. -- the less "gadgets" (and attachments/schedules/etc.) in your life, the easier to "go to Paris" if Bond says "it's time."

I do recommend -- as a "goal" for a Bond girl who is learning to exercise/eat right/etc. -- that she have a passport. For that passport picture, the Bond girl will want to get herself into her view of her best self -- e.g., she might want to get her hair styled, go to a department store and (for free) get her makeup done, lose some weight, etc. Because that passport picture will be with her for a long long time! She does need, in my mind, to "know how to do" many things -- for example, general manners at meals, how to LISTEN, how to ballroom dance (at least to be able to dance the basics -- we're not talking Dancing With The Stars here!), how to drive a stickshift, etc. Because, again, she's going to be the one who often gets Bond out of a "jam" -- so the more skills she has, the better....though he is always the Star, she just doesn't want to be faced with being an "Eeek girl" if asked to rise to the occasion.

What specific clothing items would her wardrobe consist of and what should it look like design wise?

I recommend that all nascent Bond girls go through their wardrobe, and decide to have 2 basic "colors" out of the 3 possibilities of black, brown, or blue. They need first to go through that wardrobe and sort through any items that are torn/stained/too tight/"favorites" that are out of fashion, etc..........then separate them further into black/brown/blue bases. (I personally have black and brown.) If you pick black and brown, you have black shoes and brown shoes for example -- but you don't need 1,000 pair. Quality shoes -- polished and ready to go! -- is what you need, and GET RID of the ones that pinch your feet! (You can get designer shoes on eBay if they appeal to you and fit your foot -- from the other women who tried them once, walked in them so they couldn't return them, and then realized OOPS they weren't right!)

A Bond girl needs to be able to pack QUICKLY and efficiently (if her James comes in and says "Work is sending me to Paris -- ready?"). The way to do this is to decide in advance if you're going to take the "black based clothes" (which might include red/black/white/etc.) or the "brown based clothes" (which might include brown/orange/green/etc.). Then you only bring one pair of shoes (or two, day and evening, or three if you include sandals), but not SIX pair because you have jumbled up black and brown clothes into the suitcase. Again -- the idea is to have more hours in the day to do what you're passionate about (where you are "#1") but also to be able to be supportive of your "James" -- and anything that makes this easier is key.

A Bond girl generally looks "classic and stylish" -- which might mean a black suit (you can get Armani discounted on eBay now -- spend your money wisely!), with a colorful scarf or a "signature" pin that you wear all the time. Again -- a Bond girl is NOT MADE OF MONEY! In fact, she is usually a "working" girl (think again of Pussy Galore or Christmas Jones as examples) -- Bond wears all his expensive suits, etc. because he is PAID to have them -- his "gadgets" are supplied and he's on an expense account! A Bond girl is a "layperson" -- she is someone that got "caught up in" the story. So she has to be congruent in herself, her life, her style -- she is who she is. Bond masquerades as various characters...but not the Bond girl. So congruency in her "look" is key, and not buying lots of "flash" or "bling." A Bond girl, in fact, is classic and likely to be more in the "background" -- in a classic and classy way. She doesn't have to have "characters" or "costumes" -- because she is who she is. We can all think of a James Bond movie where Bond is "made" in 10 seconds because they look him up on an Internet (or their cellular phone!) and discover he's a secret agent. But the Bond girl, who is quietly standing in the background, is the one that's going to save his bacon.

How would you describe a Bond girl’s attitude and how can a woman achieve that attitude?
I think I have gone into this somewhat above -- there is more on this on my website.

How should a girl flirt with her own James Bond?
Bond girls don't "flirt" -- they "are." And their lives are congruent, chic, they don't have negative thoughts, they are "willing" they aren't "eek girls" -- they walk the walk and talk the talk, they listen and aren't "know it alls." THAT is immensely attractive. Why flirt? Just magnetize.


After she’s gotten the man, how should she keep him happy and interested?
By not trying to make him #2. By not catching him then ignoring him. This is the "Dr Laura" stuff -- she does it by knowing a man is a MAN not a WOMAN -- so don't share all your troubles with him the second he steps in the door...that's what you have your grrlfriends for. He doesn't have someone to tell HIS problems to -- that's what you're there for, don't be stingy about this! A guy can't tell his troubles to "the guys" -- he will look like he's not Top Dog. Be supportive of him in this -- help shoulder his burdens a bit.

And don't assume that he has to "do something" before you "do something." (Quid pro quo.) Just take a few minutes out of every single day to pay attention to him, to be "supportive not submissive. " The one thing that I know about true Bond girls is that they treat their men like men -- they aren't "doormats," but they also do things like be supportive, do their share, etc. Think 1950s in a way -- it does NOT TAKE A LOT OF EFFORT to look nice when you get home, to leave your troubles on the doorstep, etc. Chat with your girlfriends if you need to -- get your serotonin up (see e.g., "The Mars and Venus Diet And Exercise Solution" on this subject) -- but don't do it at your James' expense!

If you're a "harried" mother/wife/etc., well, sorry, how'd you get into the position of being so overwhelmed? You made choices. You still have choices. And part of those choices are being indispensible to your James -- the only true way to be treasured, in my opinion, is to be in that supportive role. Not to try to be a "leader" all the time. Though I know that there are women who are dominated by husbands, that's generally not the women that I am seeing in my seminars. They are usually far more the "dominant ones" -- and in fact, they are usually the ones that "rail against" the Bond girl analogy. I often hear the "that's not why we had the Women's Revolution" schtick. The thing is -- are women happier? I think women today have taken on WAY too much, that they are "overwhelmed" because they aren't willing to "relinquish" some of this, they think the second they are "supportive" that they are submissive and a doormat. I think this is awful. My mother (who is in her 70s, but don't tell her I told you! :-) ) still runs her own very high powered business, but makes lunch for my dad every day, makes dinner, does the dishes, listens to what went on in his day, etc. This doesn't make her a "doormat." This makes her "treasured" by her "man." I am living proof of the same -- I make my "James's" life "easier" by doing the groceries, cooking most of the meals, doing the laundry and the like -- AND I am an attorney, a real estate agent, writing a book, doing seminars on fEmpowerment, a successful public speaker, a massage therapist, getting my certificate degree in Sexology....it's all a matter of ATTITUDE. I drop my competitive attitude at the door when I come home -- and my home is a MUCH BETTER place for it. I am truly treasured.


How should a woman emulating the Bond girl lifestyle act on job interviews and with prospective employers?
A Bond girl in business is passionate about what she does, and an expert at it. She doesn't complain, she doesn't play into politics (there is NOT ENOUGH TIME). She is #1 at her job. She is quietly efficient. She "does" instead of "brag that she does." She listens. She gives credit where it's due -- and she doesn't take credit where it's not. Again -- a Bond girl in business is doing her "leading" role -- even if what she "leads at" is being a secretary. In this example, she is #1 at being a secretary -- though she might be "#2" to her boss (who in this example is sort of her "James"). Bond girls (again, think Dr. Christmas Jones, or any of a number of the others) are not "sexy at work" -- give me a break. They are smart, efficient, and the top of their game. They also know, however, HOW to be #2 -- and how to turn it off.

What kind of real life Bond girl like adventures can a woman participate in?
Anything she's passionate about.

How should she deal with the villains in her life?
In the Bond films, the Bond girls face "villains" because Bond put her in harm's way somehow. This is where she needs to let him do what he's supposed to do -- dispatch them and get on with what they're up to. This is not really her responsibility -- and he best understand that it's his! The biggest "villains" or "enemies" in a Bond girl's life are often her own attitude that she can't do something, or complaining/gossiping and generating negative energy. There just isn't enough time in life for that. If a woman takes care of her "James, " believe you me, he will take care of her. And if not...find another. It's your choice. Life's short -- live it with passion and commitment.

What should be her signature drink? Her signature perfume?
Whatever she pleases. Remember -- a Bond girl is UNIQUE, unlike all those Double Os! The most important thing is that she should KNOW WHAT SHE LIKES "BUT"........she needs to be a good sport and try new things, too. A drink is fairly fun to design as your "signature" -- as recently covered in my interview in Ardent Spirits (by Gary Regan) . The idea of our Mixology seminar is to help women understand what else is out there, and to have some fun so they don't just order "a glass of chardonnay, please." But again, let's say that you like a Vesper Martini with Tanqueray/Stoli and Lillet Blanc, extra olives, shaken hard (that would be my drink) . If they don't know how to make it at the bar, you can either tell them OR -- you can just 'fall back" to a regular martini with extra olives, and a nice helping of Vermouth...the key thing is, NEVER MAKE A FUSS. This is again a Bond grrl trait -- she's not an "Eek Girl" but she also knows that life is just too short to argue about things like this. (And it makes you go from looking "different and mysterious" to "difficult" the second you're doing things like sending drinks back).

As for perfume, frankly, this can turn people off. I wear a pheremone-based scent that changes based on your own body chemistry. (It's called Pure Instinct and I sell it on my website http://www.passionesq.com/ as well as other sex-related items...you didn't ask the "sex" question I notice (LAUGH).) I have never, ever, found Pure Instinct to be perceived as "offensive" in a public or private setting.

Where does a woman living the Bond girl lifestyle on a budget travel?
Wherever her James takes her.

How will living the James Bond lifestyle help women be successful in their everyday lives? For example, work life, love life, social life, etc.?
I think that's pretty much covered above...be passionate, and be fEmpowered (living an empowered but feminine lifestyle). Embrace the Yin and the Yang. Embrace life.