Do you love Oprah?

I love Oprah. I definitely have an addiction -- maybe it's time for O.A. (Oprah Anonymous?)

I "time shift" Oprah through a service from my TV service provider, and some days (like yesterday) after a really hard day at work, I stumble on down from putting on my "play" clothes and I watch -- oh -- 5 or 6 Oprahs (Opri?) in a row. This is usually bad, because if I get home at like 8, by the time I get my "fix" it's like 2 in the morning. (And of course I have to throw a CSI or Monk in there for good measure.)

The Opri that I watched last night were all related to dressing/looking in ways that can "take 10 years off your looks." Wow -- amazing. And all the things that were said on that show are so applicable to anyone looking to explore their inner Bond Grrl.

Moving from the "outside, in," a few of the Opri I watched had those two crazy British gals ambushing people and re-dressing/accessorizing them. I have been working on this, myself, for the past few months. No, not ambushing. Re-dressing.

I mentioned in a post a while ago about going through your closet. This is just so important. Every 5 years, at least, we should take a peek at everything that expresses "who we are," and then make an actual informed choice of whether that outfit, makeup, bit of flab, haircut, or the like still represents us.

If you're on your way to letting your inner Bond Grrl out, I already mentioned that it's time to get rid of the "grannie panties," the stained stuff, the stuff that just isn't "you" any more. No matter how much you might "love" an outfit...or worse, how "little wear" you got out of it (i.e., the stuff basically still hangin' there with price tags), it all has to go through the assessment.

I wasn't strong enough to do this alone, and Oprah's crazy British grrls were nowhere to be found, so I enlisted my best friend and fellow aspiring Bond grrl, Allison "Domino" F. She's my Fashion Lifeline, to bastardize a phrase from that old show "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

I first had her go through all the things that I had hanging in my "back" closet. Hey -- I'm over 40, I take great care of my clothes...so I have not only my "regular" closet but one in the guest room. These clothes, not surprisingly, didn't fare so well -- since they weren't in my regular closet, I had pretty much relegated them to a back corner of my life anyway...it was just really hard to see them go. REALLY HARD!!!!! I had over a dozen suits, about 1/2 dozen black tie outfits, some NICE dresses, a coat or two, you name it. Many of the suits were single-breasted ("it's never comin' back" says Domino), showed wear, or "just had to go."

We took photographs of them all to attach to the charitable deduction slip (when you're giving away stuff, be sure you do this!), and I took them all to Image For Success. IFS is a non-profit in my town that takes suits and the like, and gives them to underprivileged women who are getting their lives back together. The gal at the "intake" made it all worthwhile -- since everything was dry cleaned from the last time I wore it (what? 1996?), I looked like her angel walking in that door -- with clean clothes in sizes that "her women" could use. (I live in an affluent area, and my bet is that she gets more size 2, 4 and 6s than she knows what to do with. Mine were all in the 12 range.) She even eyed my feet (size 11) and said "I hate to be rude...but what about shoes?"

So off I went back to my closet -- and Domino and I cut through the extra shoes that I have -- now there's another bag in the car waiting to go to IFS.

The harder "cut" was going through my 'current' closet. After the rush of giving all that stuff away, I decided it was time to be harsh, and to bring out all the stuff in my current closet and examine each piece.

Ugh.

Of the work clothes -- thank goodness -- many more of them made the "keep cut" this time from my ruthless fashion friend. (I think I got to keep 2 pieces from the first round. And I didn't even mention that my James, his daughter, and I did a ruthless purge of "play clothes" and "not my size" clothes a month or so ago that went to the Cancer Society -- can you say SIXTEEN green garbage bags? Oy...). So anyway, I still had a bunch of stuff that "had to go" -- including the dreaded "oh no, I have never worn that" outfits (purchased over a year ago...). Just not armfuls of it. The thing that amazes me is that I'm not a shopaholic -- my lord, I pity the woman who "loves" to shop. No, it's more that I have been right around the same size for 20 years, and I take care of my clothes, and so things just add up!

After the "work" clothes, I went through my "play" clothes. OK grrls, I know you all have your favorite jeans, sweatshirts, etc. Me too. In some ways, "play" clothes are harder -- because you can make up more stories about how you "need" them for some ridiculous "rolling in the mud" reason.

Get over it. Close (how funny, I just typed "clothes") your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine yourself doing whatever it is that you are keeping that raggedy old boyfriend shirt, those droopy crotch jeans, or the like for. Cleaning the top windows in the clerestory? Now I want you to get yourself up on that mental ladder (or whatever) and instead picture yourself in a white T-shirt and your "best" jeans. Or some sweats that are actually stylish (don't have any? They all have droopy crotches? Shame on you!)

Picture yourself this way, because coming up the walk is your James, with your favorite flowers, a little "treat" for you, and those airplane tickets to Paris! Do you look like a bag lady that just stepped out of the curb? DO you?

So when it comes to play clothes, again, get'em all out on the bed. Yes, all. It's easier to take photographs of everything you're going to give away if they're laid out on the bed, anyway (and again, you want to document that, especially when you're giving away $100s of stuff and you're going to file for a charitable deduction on your tax return for doing it). Take everything in groups. Let's say, first, you take....socks. Do they all match? (Duh.) No holes? I don't care if they're your "favorites" -- if they have holes, they have to go. If they have patterns, are they faded?

Match up your pantihose -- as Oprah says, "only nurses wear white" -- so any white hose has gotta go. I also personally feel that "skin colored" or "tan" hose never looks that great -- I personally now use a "self-tanner" (I'm a white grrl) and then go bare legged, yes, even with skirts. Sue me -- I feel dangerous and adventurous when I do it. Sexy me. (Your legs are shaved or waxed, right? You're ready to hit the beach when he comes up the walk with the tickets to Hawaii instead of Paris, right? Right....???? I don't care if it's December you're not doing the "bear legs not bare legs" deal are you?)

So you matched up all your undies and such when I yelled at you last time -- right? If you have "odd man out" panties or bras -- come on, be brave, out they go. Did you go to Victoria's Secret, and get measured for what sort of bra and what size you need? DO IT (it's free). If your breasts are lying under your armpits or drooping, or if you fail the "pencil test" (putting a pencil under your breast, and seeing whether it stays there or falls to the floor), you need special help. If you're large breasted you just cannot be wearing a $5 bra. I am nearly flat-chested, so, though in dark moments I am expecting people to say to me "excuse me, sir?" at my figure, I have a whole different set of issues that bras have to address. Get over the cost of good bras and panties -- I mean it. Get rid of everything that I mentioned in my previous post -- and starting from this "inside out" position, build up that sexy Bond grrl I know that you are! (Even if you are wearing that under your droopy drawers and boxy sweatshirt, you're on your way.)

Next, sweats/jeans/etc. "Play pants." Get it all on the bed. Does the crotch meet yours? If it doesn't -- it's GOT to go. You think your butt looks big? How much bigger do you think it looks when you have 1/2 foot of fabric hanging down off the back of it? When I did the 'great sweats dump' (this stuff makes great rags, by the way), I went to Ross, and got two of the cutest sweat suits for a ridiculously low price. OK -- in my case (I'm 6'2"), the bottom of the sweats aren't quite long enough (really close -- maybe 1/4" too short). But my booty looks great -- and they ARE sweats for goodness' sake! (If you work at home -- whether a stay-at-home mom or work, like me, out of a home office, you are now going to hold up your hand and SWEAR that you will not ever again spend a whole day in sweats -- go on, swear it! Even if you get into jeans and a white T-shirt, it's better than the sweat schlepp!)

Now, the jeans. Are any of them "taper leg"? They have to go. I do not care how new they are, or how much you love them. If you have a 'booty issue' -- and everyone except a fashion model does -- the taper-leg look makes your bottom look ENORMOUS (with those jeans clinging to your calves, your legs come to a "point" with your booty and hips at the widest point). Give'em to charity, give'em to your friend's housekeeper, give'em to a frenemy (grin) -- just give'em!

If you have capris and you have anything but the slimmest little calves -- they gotta go, too. I never bought the capri deal because, since I'm so tall, they make me look like I couldn't find pants in my length. Capris cut a calf (and leg) up visually -- so they can only be really worn by someone with legs that start at their armpits. Yours don't? I'm sorry -- give'em to a frenemy who loves'em. Make her legs look like stumps.

Make your two "best" pairs of boot cut or flare leg (remember no taper leg) jeans your "bad" pair(s). And get rid of the rest. You heard me. Take a look at the bottom of your jeans -- which have the least "ratty" bottoms? Go for those. Then, buy another one or two (depending on how much you live in jeans). And nothing above the navel -- it's not the way that we're supposed to be covering our bodies, with something that cuts us in 1/2 when we sit down! (You got a "pooch" stomach? Then do something about it. South Beach Diet, some walking, whatever -- but grrlfriend, "covering" it with jeans to your waist just gives you more fabric over your big booty and pooch -- drawing more attention to it! I am not saying to wear jeans down to your pubic line and a crop top -- get real -- but lower rise jeans plus a sexy flow-y top are going to make you able to breathe again!)

I get my jeans from Newport News. They have "tall grrl" size -- hallelujah! -- and wonderful choices. Their "lowest" rise is still not scary-pubic-line rise -- it's an inch or so below my navel, which means I can sit down without feeling like I'm cutting myself in half. And when it's a poochy day for me, I wear a non-form-fitting (I did not say "boxy") shirt and usually a duster-type jacket over it, so no one can see my sides or back. Because Newport News jeans are like $19, and you can return them no fuss no muss if they don't fit, it's easy to get the "ugly jeans" out of the closet and replace them.

Now to sweatshirt and T-shirts. OK, so this was way hard for me. I had old Super Bowl sweatshirts that went back to when the Redskins won and I lived in D.C. (don't look it up. It's embarrassing.) Any sweatshirts or T-shirts with sayings, logos, or the like on them...you know what I'm going to say. Unless it's something cool (an embroidered T-shirt from Nepal; another with a tasteful little Tahitian tattoo-type turtle in the corner), get rid of it. So, you say, what do you wear to the gym, or to clean the toilet bowl? One of three choices: (a) if as part of your exercise program goal (we'll talk about that later) you have completed a race of any kind and got a shirt that really motivates you to keep exercising, you can wear that to the gym. I'd prefer that you took that shirt and gave it to a friend to motivate her to get out there and start a program (I mentioned this in a previous post), but if it motivates you, keep it, but only for the gym. If you wear it to Safeway -- you're bragging. Knock it off. (b) white T-shirts. Have I said this 50 times? White T-shirts are what farmers wear, because you can bleach the stains out of them easily. I have found some stylish ones at (you guessed it) Newport News -- they come in packs of 3 for cheap. I have V-neck ones, because crew neck Ts make you look like a turtle or that you're wearing your son's clothing. (c) lastly, you could wear those "tasteful" logo shirts that you kept. All of these are gym or cleaning or gardening clothes -- but again ONLY if they are the right size, not boxy/as if you're wearing your husband's clothing.

I want you to look at everything that comes out of your closet this way. Oprah's "Dream Bus" comes to ambush you, because your best friend has written to her to make your wildest dream come true. You (ahem) happen to be cleaning the toilet bowl when they come knocking at your door. Whatcha in, grrlfriend? I mean, besides the stylin' yellow gloves? A Bond grrl is always always always (did I say "always") prepared for the "Dream Bus"!!!

Sweatshirts have the same problem as T-shirts. Old logos, stains, ones you don't wear because the hood pulls on your neck -- you get the picture -- get rid of them. If they are at all frayed or stained -- gotta go.

How many T-shirts and sweats did I get rid of? My goodness. It was amazing. I think this was hardest for me, because I work at home most of the time, and so I'm in "play clothes"quite a bit. I had a lot of old favorites. Now, I have a lot of "new favorites." Do it....do it....do it!

You know what helped me? I put on some "dance music" that inspired me on my MP3 player, and I went through the closet with it blasting. It put me in an upbeat mood, and made me really think "if I was out boppin' around and a James saw me wearing this, what would happen?" You know what? Often I leave the house with my hair back in a pony tail, and just minimal makeup. But combine that with droopy drawers and an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt, and...oy. Not good. Definitely not being picked for the next Bond grrl, that's for darned sure.

I also took most of what I was going to throw out and either gave it to charity, the friend's housekeeper I keep mentioning or, for things that really had memories to me (don't laugh) -- I rag bagged'em. This way, I actually get to see that T-shirt or sweatshirt again, and for me I get a smile out of remembering the concert, or the bar in the Bahamas, or the "whatever" that the T-shirt or sweatshirt holds for me. It's a thought.

While you're pitching things -- what about shoes? Man, what is it about women and shoes? If you are keeping shoes because they're "comfy," I'm suspicious already. Do you have what I would call "cop shoes," or "nurse shoes," when that's not your chosen profession? Are you clumping around in sneakers all day? Come on, they make your calves look like 2x4s! Get real! It's time to invest in some cute shoes that can work for you -- and it's also time, if you have more than, oh, about 10 pair of shoes -- to get real. Again, shoes can go to charity -- whether it's an Image For Success-type place or (as I type this) a relief organization to get stuff out to flood victims. Come on. Stop looking like a shoe emporium. For me, at size 11, I don't have the ability to do a lot of "impulse" shoe buying -- and when I find something that really does work, I often buy 2 pair so when one gets scuffed up, I can go to the next. What about you? Are any of your shoes ruined at the back, from driving or stairs? Bye-bye. Any that need caps but you never seem to get them to the cobbler? Either take them in -- or out they go. Do you have sneakers/tennis shoes that are more than a year old? You do know that all the padding/gel/etc. in them is gone now, right? Live a little -- get a new pair and leave the old ones at the store! Myself -- I have gotten my clothes down to my 'brown base' and my 'black base' -- and my shoes are the same. Black and brown "slides," black and brown "cute" loafers (for jeans -- no loafers with skirts, grrls!), black and brown boots (tall boots -- short ones cut your calves in 1/2 -- YUCK!), black and brown heels, black and brown and white strappy sandals, black dress pumps (2 different heel heights, depending on if I'm with my James -- who is a bit shorter than I am -- or if I'm in the mood to strut out there at 6'5" :-) ). My cute pointy orange slides that I now have 2 extra pair of because I love them so much with my 'brown base' clothes (that contain a lot of orange) that I wear them about 3x/week. You get the picture. If you have 5 pair of black sandals or pumps or (name that shoe), wear'em around a bit. If pushed, could you walk, say, 5 city blocks in any one pair? No? So why do you keep them all? I really don't have a lot of understanding for my friends who have 20 or 30 pair of shoes (this is more common than you might think), and a number of them are just "stand in" or "sit in" shoes ("Sit in" shoes are ones that are too uncomfortable to even stand in for a long period of time!) I have some tall (3") slides that I don't think I would be physically able to walk a few blocks in -- but they are sexy black tie shoes and I can certainly walk from the car and up the opera house stairs in them. (And as they're backless, they make my legs look just that much longer.) Be ruthless in the shoe department, grrls. Scuffed badly? Out. Pinchy? Out. Ugly? Out. If they are "brand name" shoes (this goes for all your clothes) you do know you can eBay all this stuff, right? I got 2 Armani suits, a pair of Lucky Jeans, and some Manolo boots, all for about 1/10th of the "store price" -- because the seller had worn them once, they didn't fit, and (certainly in the case of shoes), they were then "stuck" with them so they eBay'd 'em. If you have the time and ability -- eBay your stuff. Why not? And if you want to upgrade with name brands for a fraction of the cost (and you're sure of your size in that brand) -- eBay is a grand place to start.

Lastly (well, at least I think lastly) I want you to go through your nighties, robes, and things like that. Are you wearing long T-shirts to bed? Shame on you! How sexy is that? Look -- I don't care if you're the mother of 5 and the last thing in the world that you want to do is have sex or look sexy to your James. First of all, that's just sad -- because you're really losing out. We're going to have a very serious talk about sex in a few posts to come. But if you picked him and love him and want to stay with him -- and if you respect yourself -- go through those nighties, and (I mean it), pitch'em. If you're cold at night -- get flannel sheets. My James -- who runs really warm -- got me an electric blanket that goes under the fitted sheet (on top of the mattress) -- so I can be as warm as I want on "my side" and he stays cool. There are even blankets made for this situation -- where the blanket is thicker on one side than the other (yes, really). So no more excuses for flannel nighties or sweats in bed. I'd rather see you getting in there naked (did I say that?) than in a long T-shirt with Tweetie bird on it, or your grannie's flannel. Grow up, honey. Get real. I don't mean for you to go out and buy some corset-based Frederick's number where you'll wake up with marks on your body in the morning from where it shifted and "pinched." No. I mean get some really pretty satin or silk flowing, washable, easy nighties -- either right under your crotch line, or (if you are feeling Romance Novel-y), longer. They're beautiful, just like you -- the short ones won't bind you up when you sleep, and they feel lovely on your skin.

OK -- hey! -- I've inspired myself to go and see what else I can get out of my closet! :-)