..I was taught all men are dogs...

My Baby Bond Grrl Merrid had a comment that inspired my post this evening. She said:

"....I've questioned some things you've said about ways we are to give our James' our everything??? But I'm trying to keep an open mind... I guess where you come from men are worth it, but where I'm from, I was taught all men are dogs!! (laugh) & I must say I've crossed many of them!!"

You know, this actually all comes down to one thing. And it's you, my Bond Grrl. Because what you believe -- what you are led to believe -- what your mind thinks is what you "can get"...is what you get.

I want to say it was Jesse Jackson who said "we must achieve...but first, believe!" And that about sums it up all right there. You have to believe that you are WORTH a great guy -- and that there are great guys out there. BUT, you have to be a strong, sexy, stand-alone-on-your-own-two feet Bond Grrl first and foremost.

Let's look at the Bond films. Sooooooooooooooooo many people say to me "WHAT are you talking about, Solitaire? Why would anyone want a James in their life? This guy totally uses those women, loves'em and leaves'em, that's the worst. They are all just bimbos. What you talkin' about, grrl? He's a dog!"

The thing is, it's all a matter of how you look at things. In reality, the Bond grrls are with James because THEY choose to be. They have awesome lives, and he walks in, they have some good fun on a LEVEL playing field with him, and though he walks away, they remain there with a smile on their faces. They're not running after him ("Oh James! Stay! Please make me a 'whole' woman by being with me!!!") -- they're not trying to keep him there when he doesn't want to be -- they're not running head trips on him or trying to manipulate who he is. They know that they are 100% awesome in their own selves, and that it's great to have that James in their lives...but he doesn't "make their life complete." Far from it.

I have been working on my marriage vows (woah! yeah, really), and I came upon a poem that I am going to have read at the ceremony. Let me share it with you, because it really "says it all" with what I'm thinking in this area:

“The Prophet on Marriage,” by Khalil Gibran

Then Almitra spoke … and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"

And [the Prophet] answered, saying:
…[T]ogether you shall be forevermore…

You shall be together
when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together
even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens
dance between you.

Love one another,
but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup
but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread
but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts,
but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life
can contain your hearts.

And stand together,
yet not too near together.

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.

The point here is -- live your life -- and let him live his. And then have a place in between where you meet, and you have your "relationship" together. If it's just for an evening -- let it be all it can be! Don't get some romantic fool notion that he's "Mr Right" when your smart Bond grrl head knows he's "Mr Right Now." Don't try to "trick" yourself into thinking that sleeping with a guy is OK because "maybe he's the one" or he "loves you" ...If you want to sleep with him -- just do it, don't make excuses, but then don't try to 'reclaim' your 'good-girl-ness' later on by trying to kid yourself that it was something else than a little Passion running you around a bit :-) (I won't go into whether you should or should not be doing this -- that's probably something for another post! :-) )

If you realize that you are the best, then you're going to attract someone who ALSO thinks that you are the best. That's just the way it works. If you somehow think that you're "deficient" in some way -- you're not pretty enough, or you're not smart enough, or you have something else that's not going for you...well, you're going to put out that energy, and guess what you get! A James that -- SURPRISE! -- ~also~ believes that you are "not pretty enough" or "not smart enough." Because you put that energy out there, and he was drawn to it like a magnet. That's just the way it works.

No, when you're resonating your awesome Bond grrl self, practicing on the inside, and moving it on out to the outside, that resonation is going to attract, more and more, the sort of James that's going to be drawn to those strong ways. And remember -- that's what you want. We're not here to "get taken care of" -- you're responsible for doing that yourself, and I know you do and you can, Bond grrl. And by having a James that thinks the world of you (because he was attracted to YOU thinking the world of yourself!), you're going to have so much more 'free time'! Why more free time? Because you're not going to have to keep worrying about what he's doing, what he thinks of you, what you "should be" doing or saying.....no more of that. All that worrying time, POOF! -- gone! :-)

Men are just men. Some are worse than others -- but unfortunately, we get what we attract. And so in getting your Bond grrl self in order, could be -- might be -- that your current James is not going to be "resonating" with what you really are manifesting for yourself. Of course -- don't chuck him out just because he's rubbish, until you start exuding your Bond grrl self -- you never know, he might have his own hidden self that he wants to cultivate, too!

Now let's talk about giving our James "our everything." Here's the thing to remember -- it's not forever, 24/7. This is the deal -- it's a concentrated effort at being THERE for them, really truly THERE, for a portion of your day. Not dumping your problems on them. (That's what your grrlfriends are for.) It's about making him comfortable. It's about just spending a little bit of effort on his behalf.

And let me tell you why.

Men don't do it themselves. They NEED YOU. Again -- remember that bit. This is not about being "a slave or a doormat." Let's look at your James' general life, compared to yours. I mean, this is totally general, but let's look at it.

We all have emotions -- we all want to laugh, cry, be angry, shout, be sad, joyful, etc. But from the beginning, your James was pretty much likely told that the only emotions he "gets" are the "manly" ones -- like being angry, certainly not being tender, or sad, or even really all that joyful. He has to be "manly joyful" which is that pushing around guy stuff at the basketball court, or the "Who-hoooo! I killed'em with my presentation!" hand-pump stuff. Not that quiet joyful "Look at how beautiful this butterfly is." They DO notice that beauty, you know -- they just don't get to express it. So look at how much luckier you are right off the bat.

So you get to express your emotions -- you're "allowed." And you probably have at least one grrlfriend (or your Mom, etc.) to do this with. Remember -- no more complaining/gossiping any more (that just brings more of that to you!) -- but you can be happy, sad, up, angry, trantrum-y....all those things, to her (or lots of "hers").

What does your James get to do? He gets to....ummmmmmm....maybe talk, a little, to the guys, over a beer. Maybe. But he can't talk TOO much, because he can't look "weak" to them. Even his best bud. There is always that "weak/strong" thing going on. Men are "dogs" -- yes -- but in the literal way. Just like dogs, they perceive who is the "top dog" and where they are in the "pack." And your James is never going to "open up" to his "buddies" and lose his positioning.

You don't have to worry about that with your "pack" -- it doesn't work that way.

SO. There we are, you and your James (and me. How cosy. :-) ). He comes home, or you're out on a date, if he's a "new" James to you. What I'm saying here is this -- BE there for him. Be totally interested. Listen listen listen. Ask questions -- not pointy nosy questions -- but questions where you get him to start talking. Start with something that he does really well -- or that he thinks he does well, that you want him to talk a little about. If you know about that subject as well, there has to be something you don't understand (are you a know-it-all?)...get him to talk about that. Whatever. Just GET HIM TALKING. He is Bonding with you! Again -- grrl -- you have your grrlfriends for this talk-stuff, for you. You do NOT need to do this with your man, you do NOT need your James to be your "sounding board" or to help you "sort out something with your boss" or hear about your bad day. More importantly, you do NOT want to be pushing the "I'm better at this than you" or "I know more than you" on a subject he cares about...because you're going to get his dog hackles up ("She wants to be the Top Dog! Is she the Top Dog? No hey ~I~ am the Top Dog! I gotta make that clear....")

Your James has enough going, and he has NO ONE to talk to about it. That steam pressure is building up and up. You have the power here, Grrl, by being the listener -- by being "there for" him. Because he will depend on you. And that's the deal here. In a way, being a Bond grrl, remember, James gets into scrapes, and the Bond grrls help get him out. They fly the planes -- they have things he needs. They don't actually "need" him -- but they sure have fun with him! (In reality, Bond gets the Bond grrls INTO some situations sometimes, making things MORE dangerous for them -- but let's talk about that some time later! :-) )

I think people think of listeners and such "passive" activity people as being (in the dog analogy) "one down." The talker is the "strong" or "top dog" one. But.....every talker HAS to have a listener. So who is the more "powerful"? A talker is nothing if there is no listener (actually, that makes the talker a crazy person!). But the listener, in just being there, absorbing, etc., is mandatory for that talker. They don't "need" the talker...but see, the talker "needs" them.

I think that it's important to remember all these things. By being strong, and being #2, "allowing" your James to be #1, he's going to relax, he's not going to be worried that you're trying to "dominate" him. Remember, he wants to be Top Dog, he's a guy. And in that, he wants to "take care of" you. You want everyone to be "even" (because you're a grrl, and grrls think as a village, not as dogs (smile).) Just remember this -- it's important. Since they think that way -- why not treat him as Top Dog? You know what happens when your dog loves you....he will throw himself into any trouble to protect you. And that's what you will bring out in your James, too. Stop thinking that you have to assert your "Top-Dog-ness" or you will be stepped on. If you're respectful of yourself, and have attracted a James that is therefore respectful of you, it ain't gunna happen.

So what does this mean? For one, don't throw yourself at him. Who likes a leech? Be your own strong self. Make him think of your mysteries. Make him realize that he actually couldn't live without you -- though he might never say it. Again -- that talker has nothing without the listener.....though people might think the listener to be the "submissive" one.

And that's my little flow of consciousness for this evening :-)