Feeling Frustrated....

Yah. Definitely. It's an interesting thing. Part of the whole "fEmpowerment" website, seminars and such involved my doing Passion Parties -- e.g., introducing women to potions, lotions, toys, etc. for sensuality. I actually do my "parties" in more of a matter of fact manner -- not this big "Hey grrls, let's Par-TEEE!" thing. I love doing them. Well, actually, I don't love "schlepping dildos," but I ~do~ love introducing women to something and, in all likelihood, changing their lives forever.

That's what the whole "fEmpowerment" thing was about. Is about.

Anyway -- so on the 22nd, a doctor I know is going to have a non-profit (that gives MRIs to women who can't afford them) host me, talking about "these things," at a very toney hotel nearby. I hope that LOTS of people come -- she's flyering doctors she knows, patients, anyone that she comes in contact with (and I'm going to do the same).

I'm excited about it, but don't really have time to "plan" (I just typed "don't have time to 'play'" -- how prophetic). We're going to Yosemite for 4 days (FINALLY, a vacation) -- then when I get back, I will plan.

I have too many balls in the air (see other entries on this blog!) and I definitely am "feeling it" -- the thing is, that this stuff is what I'm really passionate about. I "found it."

I'm not passionate about "building the business" (of fEmpowerment, Passion Parties, whatever). What I need is someone who IS -- and who would "direct me" basically. I'm a fantastic speaker -- I know that. I get people to buy. I have no problem "asking for the sale." I want to HELP people -- and I know that's what I'm good at.

What I need is someone who wants to do the "back office" stuff -- someone who would figure out a way to make this more of a cashflow proposition -- someone who would, after I get people all riled up, would take the orders and get them interested in being consultants (for example). I wish I didn't have to be in the order room. I am not so good at that part. And I do actually KNOW that people would buy more if it wasn't me doing that bit. Someone should take me on and make money off me (laugh!)

Today is one of "those" days. I'm very frustrated, because my real estate license has STILL now shown up from Sacramento. Auuuuuuugh!!!! I can't do anything to further a careerlette as a real estate agent until that dang thing shows up. I can go through the motions (heck, I could sell or buy a house for someone, and I know my broker would figure out how to make it work!) -- but I can't have access to things like MLS, lockbox keys, and the like. This is immensely frustrating.

Then again, at the same time, it's probably good. I need to move first, I think that's a given. A guy I know from a networking group actually is going to be staying at my house during the period of time I'm gone -- I am holding my breath that this could work out and he might rent it. I like and respect this guy a LOT (that's saying something -- for me to BOTH like and respect you takes some time and effort on your part). I would be overjoyed if he decided to trade in the "suburban lifestyle" for one in the country. He even likes my dog. I can envision "licensing" him my dog when he's not jetting around to clients, to make his stay in the country complete. Please.... :-)

Anyway -- so today also I get notification from my attorney on the spurious $2.5 million lawsuit (can you say "spurious" and "$2.5 million" without going ashen?) that there are going to be some arguments on the 10th (I don't need to go). Also, I get a letter from the insurance company "reminding me" that I have to pay the first $5,000. That's more than I gross in some months -- but well worth it if this guy gets the snake off my back.

The whole realtor thing, in fact, really stems from being sued for trying to help people out as an "outsource general counsel." I'm so disgusted by this whole thing. It's someone trying to get me to settle (I'm quite clear about that) -- get my insurance company to settle. I didn't do anything wrong -- a company that I had had dealings with blew apart, and suddenly one of the primary stockholders is suing the others (and me). I think he's angry....I think his attorney smells blood -- or money -- in the waters. I got along with the client fine -- I think his attorney, however, has "convinced" him that he can get $ out of me (read: my insurance company). This is revolting.

Hence, literally, my decision to just "do something else." I'm GREAT at what I do as an attorney. But I don't need this hassle. That pisses me off in a big bad way.

The real estate thing isn't what I envision doing forever. I wish I could win the lottery -- the whole fEmpowerment thing is just so huge, so empassioned, so important to me. After paying my $5,000 deductible on this lawsuit (hello, mac and cheese) I need to really get serious about the possibility of a book on the whole fEmpowerment "thang." I need to see what it will REALLY cost to get Sallie to put something together -- even going through the blog and "cutting and pasting," making me fill in gaps -- whatever. Again, someone to "guide me" in general, I think. I just can't pay bank for it -- I know, we never can -- sounds like what I hear from my clients all the time. They whinge when I charge them $200 for a contract they will use FOREVER -- or a trademark that a law firm would have charged them $2,000 to file.

The clients that "love me" are the ones who are big enough to have DEALT with monolithic law firms -- and really appreciate how I work, and how efficient I am. I have one client that is the bulk of my income. I "did the math" today, and that one client made up just shy of 1/2 of my income for the last year. The next client's total is literally light years from the first. I am not good with math -- but between my "first best" client and my "second best" client is more than a factor of 10 (which to me means I have to multiply the second client by more than 10x to get to the first client's number -- closer to 15, in fact). There are 2 clients at that "next level," then 4 clients at the next, then FIFTY-THREE clients, all of whom I have done work that ranges from $37 worth to a couple hundred. And I wonder why I'm tired.

If you take all the other clients added up together (so, it's like 60 clients, a bit more), they are just slightly (like, negligible) more than 1/2 of my income. That one client makes up the whole rest.

I sent an email to my best friend today -- laughing. I had been offered, about 6 months before I was downsized from my general counsel job, a job working for a wonderful local company. That company wondered how I could possibly cut my salary by 1/3 to "take" their job. And I couldn't figure out how I would do it. Now, I make 1/2 of THAT number. Duh. If I was making what they were offering, I would feel like a princess.

But do I "love" what I do? Naw. I love the Passion Parties stuff, the fEmpowerment stuff. I love that whole thing. I think I'll be "good at" being a realtor -- I'm definitely "good at" doing what I do as a lawyer. I'm also "good at" knowing what I don't do, and giving that work away.

Maybe it's time to be "good at" getting a book down on paper -- and figuring out how to make the fEmpowerment "schtick" more of my livelihood. I just love doing it.