Today is Thursday....We're talking about shedding clothes/things/~friends~...

I've recently been thinking about "accoutrements." You might say "material objects" but it's not just that -- it's really actually anything that is an energetic "hanger on" to your life. Something that isn't really "part of you" but you're still dragging around with you.

I think, as an early morning, pre-coffee analogy, of a lint ball. The lint was part of the sweater once (or not), but now it's just something that is carried around on the sweater. I know from personal experience that part of getting congruent with your "inner Bond Grrl" is getting as many of these "lint balls" as you can out of your life.

I've discussed before the whole "clean out your closet/clean out your makeup drawer" schtick. This is a "lint ball shedding exercise." The first thing you're getting rid of is potentially toxic stuff (makeup or sun screen, etc. that's over a year old has GOT to go), next is just stuff that isn't "you" any more (that orange lipstick you thought might be "fun" and was ghastly; the peg-leg pants that make your backside look huge; the purple paisley shirt that doesn't go with your 'brown' or 'black' or 'navy' Bond Grrl styles). This is the true first layer of "lint balls" -- stuff that once was sweater (once suited you and had a "job" in your life), but now is not. Gotta go. Even if there are memories attached, etc. -- but we've been through that.

The next layer is stuff that you might actually like (or not be ready to give up, frankly, e.g. you "haven't gotten your money's worth out of it"), but that is just not fashionable. (This means it's not you, according to a reliable source.) So this is when your fashionista grrlfriend tells you that, baby, that ain't NEVER comin' back -- and you listen.

The thing is -- this is easy to apply to things like clothing and makeup. Maybe not easy to implement -- but easy to apply.

Now try applying it to the rest of your life.

Gack!

(lintball becomes hairball)

I am coming to grips with this myself right here and right now, because I'm going to be combining households with my James. My sweet house is way out in the country -- it's not practical and there is no room for him to move in. His house is in the 'burbs and I don't like it -- but it's more central, easier for him to commute, and big enough (if he starts making room) for me to fit. It's only taken us 6 years to come to this conclusion. (OK, no, it's taken ME 6 years. He has been trying to get me to move down there for the past 3 or so.)

So now we're both having all sorts of "stuff" issues. I bet you can imagine, right? Here I am, 40-mumble-mumble years old, with a house full of "stuff." Oh sure, I have started over a few times -- but most of the relationships in my "serially monogamous life" have involved a guy with a bike and a frisbee moving in with me. I made some room in the bed, put up a hook for the bike, and that was by and large it. This time, I hooked up with another "real person" with "real stuff." Ho boy.

So this means I am walking around my house, shellshocked, trying to figure out where to even begin. My house isn't that big -- 750 s.f. (oh and the dreaded storage/garage). But there is just so much STUFF!

My mom had this friend/client whose name was Rosemary Grimes Mannell. If you know this name, it's because Julia Child wrote about her in her autobiography -- she was one of Julia's best friends, from the Army "days." They were together in Paris, etc. Well, Rosemary died after her husband, and never had any kids. She actually had Alzheimer's first, and it was suddenly on my mom's shoulders to pack her off to an "assisted living" facility and clear out her home. Mom had to "break open" Rosemary's will, so that she wouldn't sell (to support Rosemary's new living situation) anything that Rosemary was specifically bequesting to anyone. But other than that -- it all had to go.

My Mom asked my James and me to come and help at one point. We walked in -- and the place was just a disaster. Rosemary had been acquisitive beyond all reason -- things were even piled up the stairs, etc. Mom thought we might be able to "help for a day" -- we wound up coming each weekend for at least a month, just to sort, pitch, decide, clean, etc.

There were a lot of treasures in there -- and a lot of crap. Letters from the '30s and '40s that were saved..but who to give them to? Books, scraps of clothing (she made her own stuff), Christmas ornaments, chandeliers packed away in a back storage area...We filled and re-filled one of those huge dumpsters, gave stuff away, took stuff we could use (leaving another dozen of the same thing to be "Goodwill'd"). After we finished, Mom, my James and I actually all did a "sweep" through our own homes, and started either re-gifting perfectly good stuff that we just weren't using, or Goodwill-ing things, etc. It really put a "scare" into us.

But that's nothing like the whole "moving thing." For example, I am having to come to grips with the fact that I have, oh, 5 saute pans. Not sure how this happened, and not sure why I'm so attached to all of them. (My James tried to have me Goodwill some this past weekend, and I really put my foot down. What is up with that? He, also, has at least one or two pans of the same size...so I am somehow just "attached" to pans that realistically are completely replaceable if for some reason I have a party for 200 where I need SEVEN saute pans going at once -- not.)

The thing that this keeps bringing home to me is that often we "make ourselves feel better," if we can afford it, by buying "pretty things." (And sometimes even if we CAN'T afford it -- e.g., credit card debt.) Sometimes there are things that we just "can't resist." But they're all just dust catchers, in the end.

Maybe you already live a very minimalist life -- so you know exactly what you'd grab if a hurricane was coming your way -- and it will all fit in your car. You're definitely right in there with the Bond Grrl lifestyle. I mean -- if this is the way that you already live -- it can't be too hard to put the plants on a waterer, board the cat (if any), and hop that plane to Paris with your James.

However, many many more of us are just drowning in crap. And then when we try to even think about getting rid of it, we dig in our heels.

But this stuff, Grrls, is really just "lint balls." In reality, you can shave it off the sweater, and be done with it. Or maybe, to be more charitable, "fringe." On a piece of clothing with fringe, or bows, or ribbons, you can take those things off and the clothing is still totally serviceable -- might not be so pretty, but it still works fine.

I imagine that I'm going to have the mother-in-law of all garage sales some time soon -- it's all a matter of actually sorting through and figuring out what is going to go to the sale, and what's coming with me. I remember when I first moved into my house 6 years ago -- I had a bunch of boxes (mainly books), and two pieces of antique furniture, a desk and a dresser. Ho boy. That seems like a lot lighter time than now....!

And I don't even have "that much" stuff. I have a small house, and I don't have tons of "chachkis" on shelves everywhere. Saints help the Bond Grrl with all the figurines behind glass in a china cabinet. Would you save them in the hurricane? No? How does eBay sound....?

So, yeah, I think you need to go through your "stuff." And with each thing you pick up, say to yourself "does this 'resonate' with me any more? Does this support my inner Bond Grrl?" Don't freak out and try to do it all at once, mind you -- start in one corner of one room and go for a certain amount of stuff -- say 1 box -- to be out of your life every other day, something like that. You do have to be ruthless, even if you have "enough room" to keep everything. Because that's what all this is about.

I have done this before -- going through a room with a "Goodwill" box and a "yard sale" box. The "Goodwill" box is stuff I don't think I can even yard sale -- the "yard sale" or "grrlfriend party" box is the box where I will see if any of my grrls would find these items to be treasures they would like in their lives -- otherwise, it's time for a pricetag and out it goes. (And if something is a yard sale/grrlfriend party item, NO, you can't put it back in your life if no one wants it. Don't "feel sorry for" the thing. If you have room, keep it in a box, and then yard sale it again next time. Otherwise, be strong, give it away to Goodwill, or even to one of those places that does eBay, etc. for charities.)

If you have kids or a James who are attached to "things" -- well, it's always easier to get rid of THEIR stuff than yours, isn't it? :-) They need to be doing this "with you." I actually have one friend who makes her kids get rid of 2 possessions for every new 1 that they want. That's so interesting to me. I also have friends who have Jameses with trophies that they won in college, still on "proud display." What does that tell people? (This is like another friend who keeps race numbers -- even for races she might not have even made it to run! -- on her fridge.) These, to me, beg the "audience" to look at the trophy or number and ask about that person's past -- meaning, that whatever is in that person's present "must not" be good enough. Sure, be proud -- but take a photo of the trophies, take the race numbers (the ones you actually DID race thank you), and put them in a scrap book and put it on the shelf. Feng shui principles will tell you that surrounding yourself with stuff like this just damps your own energy down -- you're, in effect, surrounding yourself with "dead things" (things where the energy is actually tied to the past).

So, what about harder stuff -- like friends? Time and again, I come to realize that it's super important to do the same sort of things with people in your life. YIKES, did I say that? Yes, I did.

You're going to have some friends that you have for a "reason" -- e.g., a gal you train for a triathlon with. You see her every day, you share a ton of stuff on your morning runs, you really "like" each other -- but you're not "alike" at all. When the triathlon training ends, you wind up drifting apart. Though there isn't any malice or ill-will, the "reason" that you spent so much time together was specific -- it was for a race. If you do another race, you might look her back up, and see if you can do it again.

Some friends are in our life for a "season." These are the folks that are there for us for a specified time -- for example, "college friends," or "other moms at the school." Again, you get along great, do lots of things together...but you're together until that "season" of your life ends.

Other friends are "lifetime" friends. They almost always start as a "reason" or a "season" friend -- but you wind up realizing that there is just something about them that is going to keep them in your life forever. Sometimes you'll have more "energy" aimed at that friendship, sometimes less -- but neither of you really minds, you just pick up where you left off -- no worries.

As your life continues, you hopefully gather up more "lifetime" friends -- and shed more of the "reason" or "season" friends. The problem here is when the "shedding" happens (or you feel should happen) and the person on the other side thinks that you two are "lifetime" friends. This is tough -- it usually means a lot of drama, as they come to grips with the fact that you "mean more to them than they mean to you." It's not really anything different than when that boy you were "madly in love with" told you he wasn't "that into you." The thing is, we seem to accept it a bit more (ok, sometimes we do) from a partner -- but not from "grrlfriends."

I think we start out being way too giving to friends. In my book, if you have a James in your life, and it's the RIGHT James, then that's your core relationship. That's the one that you want to put the most energy and effort into. Second, if you have family (including kids), those get the next level energy -- or as much as you can stand. (I'm not saying to grit your teeth and 'deal with' your Aunt Nellie on her terms -- again, all of this presumes that you're going to speak up and be congruent with what makes YOU happy, not waste your time and life trying to please others.) On the next "ring" are your friends. You need to take a look at your friends -- are any of them (am I going to say this? Yes I am) -- are any of your friends "lint balls"? I am not talking about "frenemies" -- friends who are really enemies -- these you should get out of your life. The energy vampires, the complainers, and ones who sabotage your dreams with "what ifs" and such. No, I'm talking about the friends that you spend time to see, catch up with, etc. -- but where you wind up in the end feeling frantic or "behind" in your life, not 'refreshed.'

If you have friends like this, it might be time for some distance. You're going to have some "best" friends. Hopefully one is your James. Then, you're going to have maybe 2-3 grrlfriends, tops, that are of the "b.f." (best friend) category. Unfortunately, you likely don't spend that much time with them -- because friends of lower energetic vibrations (who LOVE to hang out with you because you bring THEIR energy up) are filling up your time.

So, let's say you make a "friend list." Who on that list do you spend most of your time "b*tching and moaning" with? You gotta stop doing that -- fix what you're complaining about, and stop complaining. Putting energy into a negative like that just draws more of it to you (for more on this, go read "Ask And It Shall Be Given"). Once you stop with the complaining, then (gently) tell friends you're not going to listen to complaining, either. That's going to winnow out a category of "koffee klatsch" folks that you just get together to do "wine and whine" nights with. How is that a productive move toward your Inner Bond Grrl? How do these "wine and whine" evenings do ANYTHING but distance you from your James (as it seems that nearly all these sorts of events devolve to how "wrong" everyone's Jamesses are)?

What friends, when you get together with them, just make your heart sing? (And why is it that you don't see them that often?) By "making room" and clearing out the frenemies and the complainers and friends that (be honest) you just don't have "anything in common with any more" ("reason" or "season" friends where the reasons and seasons are long gone), you're going to have more time and more energy for people and events that actually ADD energy to your life.

I think people are often just afraid to let go. Or afraid to make someone "mad at them." There are gentle ways out of friendships -- honest. Move, for example, from the "koffee klatsch" of complainers, to asking some of the "lower tier" friends to accompany you to things that YOU want to do. Especially ones that your James might not want to attend. For example, going to a gallery opening, or a ceramics class. If you realize that you don't want to "see more of that person" by suggesting they join you in something of interest to YOU (more than "whine and wine" evenings, and more supportive of your inner Bond Grrl) -- that's a big clue. Get them out of your life -- life is too short.

Yeah, okay, fine, I have had my share of big blow-ups in this area -- I'm not as good a "shedder" as I'd like to be. Often the best way to do this is to do what you should be doing -- making more room in your life for your James -- and then tell the lower-tier friend that you can't do whatever it is that she wants you to -- because you're spending time with him. You might lose her -- you might not. I hate friendship "blow ups" -- especially of this kind, when a friend who believes the friendship has a "higher energetic value" suddenly realizes that you don't value it like she does. Uck. But after the uneasiness, you're going to be more free. You should really be aiming for this streamlined life, where everything in it makes you happy and excited. That's what being a Bond grrl is all about.

Yeah yeah -- easy for me to say. You "have to" go to that job you hate, or you "have to" attend that PTA meeting, or you "have to" do (whatever). Um, no, no you don't. My James has been pushing me on this one, and (kicking and screaming) I am coming to the realization that he's right. EVERYTHING in your life is a choice. EV-ERY-THING. If you're "stuck in a job you hate" but can't get another (no other jobs in your town for example), then start consolidating and saving for a move. If your James works, why is it that both of you are working? What if you "traded" your job for making wonderful meals; making a wonderful "home environment"? Does your job $ really just go to restaurant meals, daycare, triple lattes, or other "dispensible" items? Could you find a way that your James will also support that will "release" you?

If you don't have a James with a job that might be able to support both of you (especially if you get serious and downsize to "upsize" your happiness/contentment quotient), or no James at all, then at least look at the job from an optimistic standpoint, and raise your energy so that the good parts of your job (ALL jobs have them, you might just have to look hard) start to rise to the surface. (Again, "Ask And It Is Given" or any of Wayne Dyer's books are great ones for explaining this "Law of Attraction"). If you have your core Bond Grrl self that you want to externalize, then start in small bits -- but keep going, and every day, make another step that sheds the "lint balls" from your life -- the stuff that isn't congruent with your inner Bond Grrl.

Again -- don't do it all at once. (Horrors.) But do it. If you're overcommitted, start practicing and saying "No." Get out of commitments that you hate. Then get rid of commitments that don't make your heart sing. And be ready for "fallout." The deal here is to make room in your life for you and your James -- that's my ideal. (So if something you "hate" is your chores around the house, get a housekeeper, and afford her by eBaying all your dust-catching shoes, teacups, CDs, and the like or cutting back on the Frappaccinos -- do NOT put this stuff on your James instead...) Are you "always" the taxi service for the kids on your block? Stop it. If chores aren't fairly divided, then just take your own kid (your own responsibility) and have some quality time with him/her. Are you on boards that you hate? Quit. I don't care if you're the only one that "gets anything done" there -- if that is taking time away from you and your James, or you and something you really are passionate about -- just quit. (If you are "passionate" about the boards, of course, more power to you -- go for it! :-) )

Shed, shed, shed. The hardest are going to be the friends -- believe me, I know. But make yourself your own highest life priority, instead of going out with the squeaky wheels that you don't like as much as the people you think of as your "true" friends (or even just being alone!). Ultimately -- guess what? That friend might get mad, but they will move on. Better "energetically" if you talk to them frankly about the whole thing instead of being passive-aggressive or just "hoping they go away" -- but however you do it, shed, shed, shed.

If you have manifested wonderful things into your life that now don't suit you (again, boy is this tough) -- shed, shed, shed. They represent a past you -- stale energy. The skin on a snake that just has to be sloughed off. The lint balls on the sweater. If you took a lot of energy "manifesting" whatever the thing is, it will be harder to let it go -- so just think about it for a while first. Then, when you're ready -- start edging it out.

Boy, I am sure there now. I am ready to do it -- it just feels overwhelming. So I guess that's why I keep typing :-) (how is it I sit down and an hour passes in like 5 minutes??) Time to go -- and shed.