Comment From A Friend

I received the following comment via email from a friend, after she took a look at my blog musings:


"...My own resistance in the pitch-it-and-start-new department is mostly 'I can't afford to,' and you may have to address that question unless you're assuming everyone is either already affluent enough to replace anything scruffy or willing to go into debt to do so. You're also going to need to be pretty clear early on about what the payoff is. I'm actually pretty sure my James would appreciate it if I spent more time getting dressed up and fussed over him more, but so far I've found it's damned difficult to sustain over any period of time. That's more about my limitations, emotional and health-wise, than about anything wrong in the principle of fEmpowerment. And if I could find a way to do it even twice as much as I usually do, I know it would be appreciated and make for a more harmonious relationship.

Still, most women in the real world are already in a position where they're giving too much of themselves already, and so how to make it work in the real world if you're not young and single and energetic is going to be one definite issue. (Of course, there are plenty of young, single, energetic people out there.) Is there a "cut back on the overcommitments" post coming up?


Then there's the issue of being disabled, overweight, etc. Can you develop a sexy wheelchair roll if you can't walk? What if you're one of the people receiving the clothes that the better-off are giving away? What does one do about the objection that many women will feel too overwhelmed, ashamed, or inadequate to even believe they *have* an inner Bond Grrl?"

So this week, I think I will chew on the issues that were raised here.

The first thought that comes to my mind with respect to the above is -- being a Bond Grrl really is a state of mind. It's not a state of clothes, walk, talk, etc. That's the whole deal here, first and foremost. The issue, however, with the clothes, walk, talk and the rest have to do with "getting your inner Bond Grrl out" -- in other words, being congruent on the outside with your awesome Bond Grrl inside.

I have certainly been on the receiving end of the "cast off clothing" -- in fact, I love it. That's the whole deal here -- that one grrl's cast offs are another grrl's treasure. And the bulk of my clothing (that aren't already cast-offs) comes from Ross. The whole "pitch it and start new" issue, as far as I have seen with many dozens of friends and clients really doesn't revolve around not being able to "afford" to do it. It usually actually revolves around either (a) memories tied up in the clothing; or (b) a subconscious "pissed off" attitude that the woman shouldn't "have to" do this. That her raggedy-wristed clothing should be "Just Fine" -- why even try to be fashionable? People should want me for what's inside, doggone it.

But you know what? That's not really how it works, at least as far as I have seen. I think it was Roy (maybe Will) Rogers who said "you never get a second chance to make a first impression." So if you're in outdated or threadbare togs that don't suit you, sorry to say, but you will be judged. And it's not on your awesome inner Bond Grrl.

I have been reading a lot of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's books. I think she's pretty strident, but I happen to agree with just about everything that she says. In fact, in one of the books I have sitting in my pile of 1/2-read books by the bed, she made the point I made in a previous post -- basically, if you're "overwhelmed" or "overcommitted" -- stop.

Yeah, easy for me to say, huh? No, it's not. I have, in the past year or so, winnowed myself out of boards of directors, of friendships that aren't uplifting, out of clients who bum me out (even if they pay me!), and the like. I have practiced saying "No" when someone "needs me" to do some thankless chore that really they just don't want to do themselves.

I ask you. Take a look at your calendar -- and if something either doesn't make your money or give you lots of fun, why are you doing it? This goes for PTA meetings, boards, coffee klatch dates, lots of things. If you sit around b*tching and moaning (especially about your James), this is not uplifting. Is that what you want to be known as? A whiner?

I am mainly surrounded by independent contractors -- people who need to market for 10 hours or so to get 1 hour's worth of paid work. I, myself, am in this boat, and it's exhausting. I held on for years to my "previous lifestyle" (I was downsized from a fantastic job during the dot com era) -- until a few months ago. I was reading a Suze Orman book, where she talked about herself, and how she had a similar financial "crunch" and kept doing what she had been doing (purchasing expensive name-brand suits, getting her nails done, living in an expensive abode, etc.) -- right into thousands and thousands of dollars of debt. I have been living this sort of situation (though luckily without the debt -- just without any "savings net"). The thing is, it's time for everyone to get a grip. I just filled my car the other day -- it was over $40. How insane is that? I have an SUV because I need to cart a massage table (and a dog) around. But I have lived in a separate home from my James for the past 6 years -- though he has tried to convince me otherwise. I have now actually decided it's time to rent my house to some deserving person, and indeed to move down to where he is. It will save me hours of commuting a week, gas, wear and tear on myself, etc. It will also give me some breathing space.

I think that's the deal here. Women in particular don't give themselves breathing space. We are constantly go-go-go...and you know what? Why??? We came here to this "life" to have fun. Period. If you were to really honestly look at your life, are you weighed down, either by your own attitude, or by your "things"?

Remember, you "attracted" your attitude, your worries, and your "things" into your life. This is my honest belief. (The book "Ask And It Is Given" goes into this -- I guess this is my spiritual/"religious" belief of what we're doing here and how to go about living your life). You might have built all this up over a number of years -- so maybe it's going to take a while to release it all. But that's what you're going to need to consider -- if you really are going to get "congruent" with your inner Bond grrl.

You need to take stock (honestly) of your present situation. Are you overweight? Don't have two pennies to rub together? Overbooked? Whatever it is, it's time to appreciate and love yourself in your current situation (because you can't change it right in this very second!) Most of the people I know are living in the past, or for the future, and so they completely miss out on the present.

I remember a poem once, that went something like "The future is a mystery, the past is history, today is a gift -- that's why it's called the Present."

In thinking about your inner Bond grrl "adjectives," you can get a step in the right direction just by taking stock of where you are and where you are "incongruent" with them. Your adjectives might be nothing like mine. I'm not into cookie-cutter Bond grrls here -- but you do want to have adjectives that are "balanced." What does this mean? If you were to ask your 2 best friends to write down the adjectives that "describe you," would they come up with boisterous, strident, adventurous, bold, "life of the party," wild...? Then how about concentrating on some balancing "yin" adjectives on your own list -- to work on the 'feminine' side of "fEmpowerment"? If your friends would come up with adjectives like helpful, giving, etc. then you're probably overextended (because they are thinking of you as someone that they're going to go to, to get "help" or to "give" them something). Time to think about working on saying No maybe. See what I mean? The deal here is to be balanced -- and usually what that means is figuring out how to embody adjectives that your friends do not come up with when they think of you. If those adjectives are on your well-rounded Bond grrl list -- time to just start thinkin'.

I'm roaming around more than usual in this post -- and likely will for the next week or so. I was very very interested that my friend commented that you have to be basically "in your 20s and full of energy" to do what I'm suggesting. I'm in my 40s, and full of commitments and not so much energy -- definitely, I'm not made of money. But the deal here is really an attitude shift. I actually believe that I am writing for people that are more my own age -- especially women who might be coming to the end of raising kids, or who are facing a divorce, who realize that they have absolutely no idea who "they are" any more. They have become moms, vice presidents, or the like, but if you were to ask them to explain their "inner Bond Grrl," as my friend pointed out, they would just laugh.

The thing is -- everyone has one. If you're not in the wheelchair, you can change things today with just that "saunter-walk" and a smile in your eye. If your attitude is "why should I change," then HEY, I don't care if you do or not! But my guess is that other people around you probably know that you don't particularly care about them, and/or that you have this "non-service" attitude.

I think the things that I find the most upsetting in my own circle are (a) b*tching about lives/James/etc. as a sport (with absolutely not aim towards change); (b) me-me-me attitude (not even imagining that one more hour a day spent being of service to your James, for example, might not reap more benefits that 10 hours at the PTA where people will think you're just SO selfless and SO great -- you care more about that than your James? Shame on you); (c) saying they want to change, then doggedly refusing to try anything new.

I have a personal opinion that the most important thing in your life, if you have one, should be your relationship with your James. I, personally, do not think it should be how "giving" that others see you -- I think we all know of people who live for what others think of them (I used to be this way -- trying to get over it). The overcommitment thing just wears you out, and takes time away from your relationships with those that should matter most.

What about the money thing? (Whew, I really am rambling) It's ALL A CHOICE. What you do for money should pay for the lifestyle that you've chosen -- OR, the lifestyle that you live should meet the money you bring in -- period. Have you read Rich Dad, Poor Dad? If you're just living to work and working to live, without any "cashflow" possibilities, then you're never going to get out of the rat race. (I wish I had read this book in my 20s instead of my late 30s, I would have led a completely different life.) Everything that you complain about is a CHOICE. I don't want to hear that it's not. In some circles, even health issues are considered a "choice" -- meaning that it's your own energetic resonance that draws everything you have in your life to you. I happen to suffer from debilitating migraines -- since I have adopted this way of thinking, if I get a migraine, the second I "come to" I look at my life to figure out where it is that I need to slow down, or relax, or just appreciate things more. I have given up complaining -- it's hard sometimes (complaining is like crack), but what good does it do? I aim to slowly, softly, move my life and my Self more towards my own inner Bond Grrl -- which means something particular to me.

So anyway -- don't have any $, so you are receiving the hand-me-downs from others? Great -- I'm in that boat. But don't take anything that doesn't fit your inner Bond Grrl. Your undies frayed? Go to Ross. I do. Start having fun and start feeling "worth it." If you already feel REALLY "worth it," then tone it down a little, and start thinking more towards others. Balance, balance, balance.

I guess this evening I will have to go back and read what I read here, and fix it all up tomorrow :-)