Silence Is Golden (Golden!)...

Remember that old song? It's from like the 50s...

I get a great ezine that's called the Coaching Compass -- and today's subject was about "silence." It definitely DEFINITELY tied right in with my thoughts on Bond Grrls as Listeners.

This is what it said: "We live in a culture that supports the tennis-volley-approach to conversation: 'You say something, and quickly, I say something next.' This happens almost without pause or without us taking a breath. We are all guilty of formulating what we are going to say next, even before the person speaking stops sharing their thoughts. What if the words you did not speak were more powerful than the words you did speak?"

Another quote: "Building on this same idea, the 'silent words' you say to yourself are extremely powerful."

The idea here is that the only way to learn something new -- really -- is to listen. Not to talk. I personally am guilty guilty guilty of talking like an auctioneer (if you go to heidimillerpresents.com and listen to my interview on her podcast of a couple days ago, you can hear what I mean!) But the thing is, in a social setting, the more you get the other person to talk, the more information you're going to have.

One of my trainees, Gold Rush, was talking the other day about dating again. (She's the one who lost her fiance at the end of December -- some of his last words to her were "please start dating right away -- or else you never will.") She was one of my very first "Baby Bond Grrls." In talking about her dates (she uses match.com -- that's how she found her fiance, too), she said that she has wound up in some uncomfortable situations, due to the fact she has a big big house (all her money is in her house) -- and that makes guys she invites "over for a drink" nervous...also that she has some food allergies (me too), and when she goes out for dinner, these come up.

I told her -- you're giving Too Much Information, grrl! Basically, once you have won over your James (or your boss, or whomever) whatever you need to do that's out of the ordinary -- take care of your kids, have a special diet, or whatnot -- will be "no big deal" because they already appreciate you. But in the beginning...do NOT give "too much information" on yourself -- whether it's so-called "good" things (remember, she is the one who used to talk about her high-powered job when asked), or so-called "more difficult things" (like food allergies). Just listen, be free and easy, be YOURSELF of course (don't LIE), but don't get too deep into "you." You want to get into that boss/James/etc. -- you want to see what makes them "tick." Once they see that you're interested/in it for them/etc., then ultimately you can let "little bits of" your "stuff" out -- because by then, they "like you."

The more "things" or "titles" that you have, the more that someone else is going to have "baggage" attached to those things/titles/etc. For example, if you have a food allergy, right away you become a "picky person" -- even if you really aren't. (I have food allergies too -- but I never, ever mention them -- I just order stuff I am SURE won't have what I'm allergic to in it, and don't make any deal out of it....OR I call the restaurant in advance to be "sure" that I can get a meal without that thing in it.) Or if you're a high-powered executive, you might suddenly be "hoity-toity." YOU know that you aren't -- but what it comes down to is all these "titles" or "things" have ties back in the mind of the person who is receiving them (your boss, James, person at a cocktail party, etc.) It's what they have "made up" that "matches" these titles/things.

So one of the ways to be sure that they really get to know "you" is to leave the "trappings" out as much as you can. Sort of be "naked" there -- what's your sense of humor like? Don't tell "war stories" -- instead, listen, and be yourself. Don't "tennis volley" to the stories of the person you're listening to -- that is often not seen as being "with them" -- it's seen as trying to "one-up" them. So enjoy, and let THEM have that spotlight. Believe me, once they "decide they like you," you could be a janitor or a CEO, you could be allergic to cats or peanuts, you could be afraid of flying or heights....if it isn't going to be a "big part of your relationship" with that person (e.g., you're afraid of flying and they want to hire you as their pilot! LOL), then it's going to be No Big Deal and you aren't going to be "different" because of your "title" or "tag."

One last thing. I was watching Golden Eye last night. I was watching it to get a bead on the Bond Grrl, the computer programmer, who I think is quite a good example of what I have been talking about. But another thing I found in that movie, right after it says "9 Years Later," is a TOTAL "Eeek Grrl." There is a gal who has been sent by M to "evaluate" Bond -- they are driving in his car, and then the "Bad" Bond Grrl (Ms. Onatop) winds up racing him down a windy hillside road in France in her car. The interviewer gal does a full-on EEEEK routine. (She does wind up having sex with Bond on the side of the road and giving him a good report, but that's neither here nor there -- she's definitely one of the "throw away" girls.) If in a situation like that, take a look at this movie -- ho boy. She obviously is supposed to be "scared" but she totally becomes a nag -- a definite "Eeek" grrl. He beds (cars?) her to get his good report, I am guessing, and then he's on his way again. Don't be an Eek Grrl :-)

And finally, on CommanderBond.net, there is a HILARIOUS editorial with respect to Daniel Craig as the new Bond. Not sure if you download podcasts, but this is a must. I laughed out loud this morning listening to it. The movie is due out November 17th, and it will be interesting to see how Vesper Lynd "works into" the Bond Grrl "analogy." My guess (as it's based on Casino Royale and supposedly sticks quite close to the book) is that she's going to be much more her "own grrl" (as was Halle Berry's character in Die Another Day). This doesn't mean that the "#1 at being #2" analogy "fails" -- it just means that not EVERY Bond grrl is going to fit this bill. I'm not writing a dissertation on Bond Grrls -- I use Bond Grrls as an analogy because I can't find another one that I like any better. (People ask me that all the time -- they hear what I say and then say "Well, [this Bond grrl] or [that Bond grrl] doesn't fit what you're saying." I say back "I'm not trying to say what the salient feature of all the Bond grrls in the movies is...I'm saying that a good portion of them work to illustrate my point." It's sort of a "vice versa" thing. Which came first, the Bond grrl or the egg? (LAUGH)

OK, time to go to work!

Solitaire

PS: Did I mention I had to get 6" clear Lucite and vinyl "stripper heels" for my S-Factor class? Ho boy. I'm 6'7" or so in them. Too freakin' funny.