Way way WAY TOO MUCH to read

My baby Bond grrl is getting grief off her James for using Bond Girls as “paradigms for improvement.” He says they are all “hoes” (you know what I mean) -- that fall all over Bond like white on rice -- that he loves'em and leaves'em. They are shallow, “bimbos,” and (pffft!) “why you want to be like THAT?”

Granted, for every “general” example, there are “specifics” that can go against the grain. If you tell me you want to emulate The Donald in building up from nothing to make zillions, I can pick on the “specifics” of his womanizing and say - “what a crappy idol to have, look at THIS.”

So first of all, I say, what is the motivation behind the message?  When someone is trying to convince you NOT to do something – the first question you need to ask is….Why?

Everything is driven either by Fear or Love. So does this James Fear that his Grrl is going to “wind up a slutty ho that falls all over men”...?  Does he Fear she will look for someone more suave than he is, more like James?  Why's he saying this?  What is driving this “you are wrong” attitude (which is what it is) . . . is it “fear” that his Bond grrl will get “sucked in by someone she doesn’t know nothing about, and get brainwashed” (by me, of course), or is it that he’s afraid she will get her own feet under her, not need him, and leave him?

The thing that I can say about the “hypnosis” idea is that it winds up being a real slam on the grrl – that the person would think that the grrl would somehow “emulate” things that don’t match her own style, her own morals and codes, is quite something (if true).  So my guess is that it’s just that this is somehow not a good “model” for him . . . and then again, the answer is – so, so what?

Who would be a BETTER “model”?  The Bond grrl model is ~fun.~  It’s not ~serious~ -- I mean, come on now.  Sure, there are other models out here – “real people models” - Oprah, Coretta Scott-King, the Founding Mothers, whoever. But the deal here is that whoever is to be the model, it's just for “fun” - it's to have a goal. It's to get to the gym when you're weak :-)  It’s not to “become” that person – that’s a psycho stalker mentality. And I can’t believe any James who Loves His Woman can believe that woman would change radically enough using a model to emulate (something to use as a goal) that he would imagine she would turn into (in his words) a “slutty ho.”

So, as I am not certainly advocate the ‘slutty ho’ makeover (and I defy you to find one in a Bond movie, but that’s beside the point), what are those characteristics of a Bond grrl?  Let's go over it, just in general....

She knows her territory. She's in the movie because she “has something” or “does something” Bond needs - but she's generally a “regular person with no special training.” The Bond grrls are moving away from that direction (toward them being more “on par with” James), and I think that's a shame. A Bond grrl is solid in her belief in herself – she’s not a shrinking violet – she’s not an “eek” grrl.  She treasures herself -- she looks hot because she takes care of herself.  She makes time for herself.  She has mystery (as said by Kathryn Morris in this month’s “Tango”:  “All great women need to keep a little mystery.  I think you ruin it for men when you don’t hold a little mystery back.  Let the man put you on a pedestal, because he really would like to – it’s part of the game.  Let them be the huners.  Get over it!”)

Bond grrls are #1 at what them do....but #2 to James in this “movie”. Note though - this doesn't mean he “treats them as #2” - James is VERY solicitous of the Bond grrls in general. Oh, he might be so “attractive” they can't “help” but sleep with him - but thinking that then they're mooning over him after he leaves is crazy. Pussy Galore, Octopussy, Honey Rider, the fishing gal who rescues James in Never Say Never Again....these women aren't sitting by the phone waiting on a call...!  And he NEVER “takes” them – they go “with” him.  

But the thing here -- the thing that started this whole “journey” -- was the realization that as society goes on, at least as I see it as it surrounds me, it seems to me women aren't being “allowed” to be that #2 role - they have to “kick down the doors, they have to be Lara Croft or the gal in The Terminator. Part of being a Bond grrl is being confident in what you do, that “specific something” - but also realizing that in life, you're not #1 all the time - and being a great #2 takes talent!  

I think that “these days” society doesn’t seem to be “allowing” women to “want to be” anything but #1.  And then men suffer – and the women themselves suffer.  This is my own true belief.  

I will give you an example of this.  When I started “practicing what I preach” – really helping out my James, thinking of ways that I can be his #2, I thought of stuff that I really don’t mind doing that much, but he hates (laundry is one, making dinner is the other).  Now, maybe you are one of the women out there that already does these things, and is “not appreciated” for them.  Maybe you’re simmering with resentment because you “do it all” and he “doesn’t do anything.”  I say – like Kathryn Morris – get over yourself!  If you’re in this situation, you got there somehow.  And let’s look realistically at the trade-off.  Is your James actually out there, making the main $, for you to live in your house the way you do, etc.?  Do you “thank” him for this?  Yeah yeah, I know, your life is so thankless – then get over it.  Get doing something you’re passionate about, but still be supportive of that relationship (if you really do want it).  Appreciate what he DOES do, and see that what you do is a compliment to it.

In my personal case, this meant taking over doing the laundry and the meals – getting him cups of tea when he works from home, etc.  Why?  Because he is making the bulk of the $, and I don’t mind.  And I don’t need to burden him with my problems, because if you read books on male/female chemistry, men really are not ‘Equipped’ to deal with “overwhelm,” etc. the way women are.  So I talk with my women friends…and I’m there for my James, to support him, and to make him feel supported.  In return, HE makes ME feel great – we have become a “team” because I’m thinking of these ways that I can be supportive – and things that I would like, if I was the James.  Do I want a gal with a huge debt, who might drag me down?  Do I want a gal who is hanging around in sweats all day?  Do I want someone to be complaining to me?  Well, no.  Again – I believe that a Bond grrl takes her “being #1 at being #2” seriously.  What does this mean?  It means LISTENING instead of talking all the time.  It means paying attention to how she looks – not in a ‘bimbo’ way, but in a “I might get kidnapped to Paris in 3 hours” way.  (For this reason, too, she has her affairs in order, and “time” in her week so she’s not so jam-packed she has to say “no” to a surprise impromptu dinner or special surprise from her James.)

Sure, maybe there are other “examples” out there for what I'm espousing here....could be your grandma who ran the farm AND kept her marriage/the family together for 50 years, could be someone else. But the deal is that Bond grrls are a general example that can be used to illustrate a point....and of course, there are always going to be parts in the movies someone can use to call out and say “hey, you don't specifically want to be THIS, do you?”

So what else is there?  Let’s see.  From the outside in . . . From the outside, a Bond grrl looks great. She ain’t a “ho.” Far from it. Even the Bond grrls that are a little “much” and go goo-goo over James (and usually these are not the “main character grrls” in the movie, they are some “extras” thrown in!) – even they look great. And not all of them are blonde, thin, model types.  I can think of one gal who was somewhat heavy set, she was in View To A Kill – and she’s just as sexy as the rest.  (Again, she’s not a “Main” grrl, but it doesn’t matter – of COURSE they pick super sexy looking ones for the movies…because they CAN.  But that’s movies – that’s not a “must have” for being a Bond grrl.)  

So this leads to the clean out your closet/present your best self bits. Be the sexiest, most alluring, put-together woman that you can.

Next, a Bond grrl generally has something specifically going for her. They fly planes, drive yachts, and the like. She is also resourceful – she might be scared, but she does what she needs to to get things done.  Again – she’s not a “trained spy” (well, until the latest “crop”) – she’s a “civilian” with a cool life who is very, very sexy in an “empowered but feminine” way.  She’s not macho (e.g., “just” empowered) and she’s not an “eek girl” (e.g., not “just fluffy/feminine”).  She is a balance – and to me, the part of the balance we seem to be losing out on these days is the “yin” or “giving” or “feminine” or “yielding” side.  All the books you read and magazines, etc. talk about getting “more out of” your James – him to do more chores, him to listen to you more, etc.  I think this is a mistake – I think that women are pushing men a bit too much in a lot of this.  I think that you need to find the balance in what you do and it has to include that feminine/listening/yin/yielding part AS WELL AS the strong bits – and to be strong “in” the feminine parts.

Another movie I think is so great about this ideal is True Lies - the part where Jamie Lee Curtis' character talks about her life and why she “did what she did” (not to ruin the movie), when she's in the room with the one-way mirror and her husband (Arnold Schwartzenegger) is on the other side questioning her. If you haven't seen this, it's worth renting - because what she says is critical and is the sort of woman I think that is who I’m talking to here.

A Bond grrl is very much her own person - and doesn't try to make her James into something else – she won’t let herself be a doormat, but she also isn’t asking him to cater to her Princessly Self.

A Bond grrl “knows how” - whether it's salsa dancing or eating an oyster. James, you figure has been trained for his mission – she’s a civilian.  But he sits her down at a table and she knows the fork to use – she can tango – etc.  Without a lot of “eek’ing” – and because she’s just Totally Cool.  Again – he TRAINED to be this way – the Bond grrls just “happen to have” these skills.  

So what’s a Day In The Life of a Bond Grrl look like, to me?
1.  She spends a couple of minutes “envisioning” how her day is going to go.  Without this, you are at the mercy of the day – everything in your life is really all about what you “intend” for that day.  This is the time to set and ask for “little things” to “surprise” you throughout the day, to know that you’re on the right track.  (For more ideas of this sort, see the movie “What The Bleep Do We Know?” and listen very carefully to the guy who talks about “setting” his day up.)

2.  She gets up, and washes her face, brushes her teeth, and takes stock of herself.  She looks at herself RIGHT THEN RIGHT NOW, not as she “used to be” or how she “will be,” but RIGHT THEN RIGHT NOW.  She picks 3 things that are awesome about herself, right there in the mirror.  She smiles at herself.  She knows she’s hot.  She puts on moisturizer and sunscreen.

3.  Whether she goes to the gym, goes and does a video, walks the dog, or the like, she gets in a little exercise right then and now.  If she has kids, of course, she might need to get them up, etc. – so it might be a 10 minute Ab tape, it might be a 20 minute Yoga tape, it might be walking the dog, etc.  But getting the blood flowing and getting in SOME exercise right at the beginning is really critical.  It’s best to do it before breakfast, because this revs up your metabolism, so that when you eat breakfast, you’re burning more calories already.  If there “isn’t enough time” to do this – then it’s time to make time.  No joke.  Some commitment “has to go” that’s keeping you from doing this.  We are all mammals – we are “made” to be exercising every day, and eating certain “healthy” things and not fast food, etc.  It’s time to remember that “civilization” is killing us….we are still just cavewomen in our internal systems, and have to act that way, no matter how much our taste buds and our “heads” don’t want to!

4.  She goes into her closet, which is clean and tidy and organized, and picks out something awesome, that she loves to wear, for the day.  Even if she has to wear a uniform for her job, she has wonderful lingerie that she loves – something that reminds her of her Bond grrl self in what she wears.

5.  She puts on minimal makeup, just enough to highlight, but not “hide,” her face.

6.  She eats a breakfast that is balanced and based on her “cavewoman” metabolism – SITTING DOWN.  (See the book “French Women Don’t Get Fat” for more on this.)  Eating in the car/standing up/etc. is a surefire way to not “realize” you’re eating – and so not digest well, and to eat too much.  No TIME TO DO THIS?  Then….ta da!!! … get rid of something else out of your life.  This is critical.

7.  She gets to work and either listens to inspiring music, or inspiring tapes from the library, or the like.  The news is OK for finding out if there is traffic – but does it “inspire” You?  Remember – you are what you think – and if you think that the world is a scary, dangerous place, it will be, for you.  Instead, try listening to self-help books on tape (Wayne Dyer, etc.), or even take a correspondence course, or get a tape to teach yourself French for when you are whisked off to Paris!  Remember – you don’t need to take all this seriously – just have fun, and learn, learn, learn every day.

8.  She keeps her eyes smiling.  This keeps the mystery going for those around her (WHAT is she thinking?)  She walks slowly and remembers that Eyes Are On Her.  Remember about walking….too fast, you’re obviously “late somewhere” and so a bad planner….too slowly, you’re a “lazy/dawdler.”  Sexy walk, smile on the lips, people are doing to Wonder.

9.  Work, and remember it’s Not Your Life.  A Bond grrl has other things in her life besides work.  She doesn’t get involved in the politics.  She doesn’t get involved in the gossip.  She is only as engaged at work as she’s interested in being.  Work is a way to get money to do what she wants – and she doesn’t begrudge that – but work is not her life.  

10. GET OUT and eat lunch – preferably something you have packed that’s healthy and that you love to eat.  Any time you eat out, you are at the mercy of the salt, fat, sugar, and such that the cook wants to happen to stuff into what you’re eating.  Don’t be a victim to food – pack and bring your own.  And get OUTSIDE to eat it – away from your desk.  Again – you have to take breaks in the day!  Bring your books on tape with you – sit on a park bench and listen to a book on tape from the library – use that time for Yourself.  One fun thing to do every day at lunch is make a “thankfulness” list – 3 things you are thankful for, right then.  It’s not a “wish” list – which keeps your thoughts in the future – it’s a “right here right now” list.  Stay present – stay on track.  If you live too much in the past (“when you were thin”) or in the future (“When you lose weight”) your present will pass you by – and the present is all you have!

11. After work, decompress in some way.  One of the best things for a woman is to have another woman to talk with – preferably, while doing something like walking or jogging!  Chemically (see “The Mars And Venus Diet And Exercise Solution”), women need to talk to stop from feeling “overwhelmed,” men don’t have this same deal.  So if you were going to go home and “complain to your James,” (1) usually he can’t do anything about it (so you take away from him what HE loves to do – “fix things”) and (2) your talking to him actually lowers a neurotransmitter in his body that HE needs to feel wellbeing….so you wind up with you saying “You never LISTEN to me” and him saying “You freakin’ talk my EAR off, don’t you ever shut UP?”  So having some time after work with a (woman) friend to chat a bit about the day – but not complain too much, because that’s not the deal here! – before getting home is a critical thing.  Preferably with exercise involved again!

If you are “decompressing” over an alcoholic beverage, I can only say that this should not happen every day – it’s awful for your skin, and not great for your ‘insides’ either.  But if you do, practice your Bond Grrl self and go somewhere really special – remember, you ARE special – and have a drink that makes you feel alluring and different.  AND – only ONE.  If you don’t drink and are at a party, a trick is to drink something that “looks like” a drink (e.g., 7-Up in a martini glass) so that people don’t feel you are going to “judge” them b/c you aren’t drinking.  And if you ARE drinking, be sure that you only take a sip every THIRD TIME you bring the drink up to your lips.  This will keep you from drinking too much.  (Especially at parties where people are doing a lot of talking.)

12. Go on home – and make sure that it reflects your awesome, clean, neat, “ready to go” Bond grrl self.  Again, you need some “downtime” when you first get home – myself, I put a load of laundry in, b/c it gives me something to do (sorting) that is mindless, but sort of “zen” in a way.  Another thing that works like this is chopping things for dinner.  Try to do these without being on the phone, yelling at your kids, etc.  Just do this for about 5-10 minutes, but be focused and present.  Are you surprised at how “not present” You are, often in your life?  We all are – our minds are “elsewhere” nearly all the time.

My friend who was over this past weekend made my James and me laugh – when asked why she doesn’t have the radio on in the car, she said because her head is so full of what she has to do/plan/etc., that it’s “already too noisy in there”!  (This came up b/c my James said next time she came down, we had to practice some silence – she was very “talky” this weekend which brings up my talk quotient – and he just about got talked out of the house, in fact finally sending us for a walk so he could just be silent (smile).  She told him that even if we had a silent retreat, he would probably still hear the words “whizzing around him” out of our heads.  It made me laugh.)

13. Don’t plop down and just channel surf.  If you’re going to watch TV, it should be something that’s inspirational to you for some reason.  I don’t care why, but somehow.  Whether it’s History channel where you’re learning about something new, or  Oprah where you are hearing about awesome people, or what, just don’t do it “mindlessly.”  A Bond grrl’s time is too precious to do ANYTHING “mindlessly.”

14.  During the evening (after or during dinner), this is the time to practice being “#1 at being #2.”  Find out about your loved ones’ days.  Be supportive of them.  Get THEM to talk – don’t just let them talk and then say “oh yeah, I know what that’s like and go blah blah blah on about YOUR stories.”  Make it a game – see how much you can get “out of them” (and be INTERESTED) with them not finding out really “anything” about you per se.  Not in a “mean” or “hide the ball” way – if they ask you something about your day, pick something, a SMALL STORY, that was something awesome that happened that you found inspiring, and tell that.  How much more are people going to want to be around you, if when asked how your “day went” you say “oh, let me tell you about this awesome thing I saw” and then in a MINUTE (not “blah blah blah”) you are able to say something inspiring, or fun, or uplifting?  You CAN IF YOU PRACTICE (that’s what being a great “guest” or “hostess” is all about).  If you are getting out at lunch, or you’re listening to books on tape, etc., you HAVE these sorts of things to share.  Right?

15.  Before going to bed, you look at your finances.  Yes, really.  Every day, you need to touch your finances, especially if they are in a shambles.  I know you’re too tired, etc. – but that isn’t going to get them better.  You need to look at them, plan, be sure you know where you are, reconcile what you might have done that day, etc.  It will only take 15 minutes if you do it every day.

16.  Pray and be thankful.  This is so important.  Your day should begin and end with praying and being thankful.

17.  Get ready for bed – brush your teeth, makeup off, some good moisturizer on – and get your mind around some Great Sex.  Men love sex at night – if you get too tired, then PLAN some, but make sure that your James knows that whatever night it is (Thursday night for example) HIS responsibility is to help you “be there” at whatever designated time.  It sounds un-spontaneous (and it is), but let’s be serious.  If he’s “gettin some regular” then he’s going to work on this schedule so it works for the two of you!  If he wants to get up after and go watch TV or work, etc. – that’s fine by you, right?  You can go to sleep (he’ll be there eventually!) – everyone is happy.  

This is just a flow of consciousness thought as to how a day COULD go.  But you notice that parts of things are left out – getting your kids to school/playdates/grocery shopping/etc.  The thing is – these do need to be worked in – but the “backbone” of your day needs to be something similar to the above.  If you don’t plan your day, your day will plan you.  If you don’t plan your life, your life will get away from you.  You don’t get yesterday back – and tomorrow doesn’t change unless due to something you do today.

I can’t tell you that I will get my book done in a way that people suddenly are able to say “ah-HA” about the Bond grrl paradigm……………or that I will be able to really articulate what it is that I’m advocating.  But I can certainly say that right now, I’m living the best life I have ever lived…by taking care of my James and really thinking before I talk, with trying to do things that help him out, by being very excited about my “helpfulness,” I am getting a MUCH better James out of the package.  He is so wonderful to me.  He apologizes if he didn’t “think” about something – he tries to make things easier on me, he thanks me for what I am doing.  Sure, that’s not quite a “Bond grrl” per se – James isn’t around that long (smile) – but it IS in that in them being all that they can be, he truly and honestly appreciates them.  And they don’t “need him” to tell them that they’re hot – to “form” their lives – they know who they are, what they want, and they are empowered enough to get it.  

Every time I write, I think about some “doormat” woman who does “everything for her husband” and who gets ridden over by him because of it – I don’t actually know any of these in my life.  But I do think of them.  The thing I would say in this case is…be empowered.  If you’re “afraid” of your James or you are being treated like a doormat – get out.  That’s not what we’re onto here.  What this is about is about the women (most of my friends and acquaintances) where the woman is running too hard, working all the time, doing too much for everyone else, but then also bitchy to those she loves because of it, harping on her James to “take out the trash/do more around the house/etc.” and making her own and others’ lives miserable in the process.  I think of my life – instead of harping on my James about house work and such, I juggled around finances so that I get someone in to clean twice a month.  I don’t ask HIM to pick up slack that I want off my plate – unless HE wants to – I figure out some other way to deal with it.  Because that’s the deal, right?  HE also wants to live the lifestyle that he wants – and if he’s “doormatting you” then stop letting it happen – but don’t do it by putting it back on him when he doesn’t want it.  Get out from under – but by making room in your life, doing what you want, and then finding way to get the rest that “has to be done” in some way that’s at least moderately enjoyable.  Do you know what a difference it makes to do housework when you’re listening to a “guilty/trashy novel” on a book on tape from the library?  It makes a LOT of difference!  You will keep cleaning and cleaning just to hear the next part!  So think like that – not on harping on your James.

Wow, that’s way enough.  Better get to work!!