Making Mistakes

I am often quite pig-headed about mistakes that I make (especially if they cost me money that I want to somehow 'recoup'). The thing that's interesting to me is that nearly every "mistake" is tied to not feeling totally "joyful" about what I'm doing -- in other words, these "mistakes" are usually preceded by a feeling like I "have to" do whatever it is.

Usually this is "having" to do the thing because I need the money, or someone thinks it's a good idea 'for me' to do it and I get swept along....things like that.

I'm in the middle of one of these right now. I went into real estate because my James and I were (originally) going to rent my house, sell his, and move into a bigger/better house. This is because his house was 110% full of his stuff, and so to get my stuff "in," he'd have to really make room for me. Now, mind you, I am coming from a 750 s.f. house -- but you can DEFINITELY fill up a house that's "not that big" (his house is around 2,500 s.f.) . . . if you live in a "comfy" manner (e.g., don't go for the austere "less is better" look).

So I went out and got my real estate license, signed up with a broker, etc. This all costs dough. My best friend (and maid of honor in September) is a realtor, and she said that though there are costs on the front end, once you make your first sale, it "more than covers them" and then it's all really "worth it." The idea here was that I would kinda be "forced" to go out and look at the market, and find a place for us.

Well, once it got down to it, we realized that if we sold my James' house and bought another, with the INSANITY that prices are in this area, we would be able to only get "more house" if we were to live somewhere neither of us was crazy about. Not only that, but we would need to pay more property tax -- because in our state, property tax is "fixed" as of the date that you buy the property (on its value then). My James bought his house about a decade ago -- the price has DOUBLED. So if we were to buy a new house, "worth the same" as his current house, we would suddenly be paying twice the property tax (not quite, but pretty much).

He "did the math" (not my strong suit!) and realized that if we were to do some things here -- put in a walk-in closet, a closet in the "den" that I'm going to use as my office, possibly build out an area below a deck, etc. -- that I could "fit" (if I got rid of a bunch of stuff and HE did too -- though that part hasn't happened yet (laugh)). And that in the savings on property tax alone, he could just about pay for the remodelling, etc. that we would need to do, if we stayed here for another 2-3 years.

Also, though I dearly love this man, I am his FOURTH wife (not quite, he wasn't married the 3rd time, but he might as well have been, they were together for long enough). We seem to get along fine, but hello, what happens if this doesn't work out? He has this in the back of his mind -- he doesn't want to be "stuck" with a big, new house (and big, new mortgage and property tax bill!!) where I can just go on back to my house (which I am renting out, not selling). He wants to be sure this is going to "work" (none of his previous relationships lasted 3 years...mind you we have been together for 6, but not "living" together). And I do understand that.

SO, here I am, with another "job" that I can/should do -- and that is costing me bank (in insurance, "desk fees," etc.) -- and let's face it...I don't particularly care for it. I'm not a huge "lookie loo," so going on "tour" to see what's in the market, etc. doesn't really fire me up. I make enough $ in other businesses to stay afloat (not particularly "comfortably," but I do pay my bills)...so I don't "need" that job, either.

I would much rather write my book, work on the fEmpowerment stuff, write the blog, do the law stuff (to make "income"), do the massage/Passion Parties/etc. I already have a ton of stuff goin' -- what was I thinking?

I have my office meeting today -- that's why this is on my mind. I go there, and dutifully do what I'm "supposed" to do. But this does not match the energy that I know I am supposed to be putting out -- and what I espouse to my fellow Bond Grrls In Training. It's frustrating.

I am also putting together a seminar on Experts for Elders -- in other words, options for people who are older, and might have big houses that they need to move out of, etc. We are having a "planning session" on this next week -- and I realized this morning that I don't want to have to fund or "pay for" the seminar. I think that this is what might happen -- because I'm an "independent contractor." My broker was all enthused about it, but now she's worried about getting $ for a build-out of our office, and it seems likely she will say "oh, I never said I'd pay for it." So at the planning session, the costs need to be assessed...and I need to be firm that I will be a presenter, do the legwork of putting the postcards/notification together, etc. -- but I don't want to be out any $. The rubber has to meet the road.

My James threw something in my face yday and that is sticking in my craw right now, too. I had a price "break" at a thing that we used to do together -- because I couldn't afford it at full price (I had a break from $50 down to $35). He said that I never should have gotten that break -- that I make enough money and it was "shameful" that I had gotten it. I find this interesting, because I am just doing my taxes...and last year I made a total of about $34,000. This is definitely NOT a lot of money in my neck of the woods (and about 1/5 of what he makes). Granted, my company "reimbursed me" for things like office rent in my home office, car allowance, meals with clients, things like that -- so I did have some more "income" (in that the company reimbursed me for some stuff), but that's really just a way of shifting things around from an accounting perspective. Because I wanted to fully fund a retirement account, my corporation wound up having a loss at the end of the year -- so it's not like there is a lot of dough on that side "hiding"!

My James pointed out that "people that make $34,000 don't have expensive horses." This REALLY pissed me off (as he was sitting there eating the dinner I had prepared and kept hot for him -- kinda took MY appetite away). He always throws the horses back at me, and that is a very sad story. I purchased my horses (which are Shires, a Domestic Endangered Species, bigger than Clydesdales, etc.) back about 10 years ago, when I was with my last relationship. This guy also loved horses (my James does not), and we were going to have a breeding facility. I just loved "being around" the horses and having them on the property that we had -- I'm not a big rider, I just love their energy, and as they were on the property, it was fairly easy to care for them and the costs weren't any more than, say, having a kid would be.

Then, my ex and I broke up, I wound up getting my house, but I made a number of mistakes...meaning, I didn't really let my realtor know the reason I wanted "country property" was to have my horses on the property (e.g., to save costs and have them there to enjoy in the mornings). I wound up with a wonderful house that I adore, BUT on an acre of land (not quite big enough in my county to have a horse on). Now that I have to rent my property out, this is a big burden, as taking care of an acre of land (especially as in my Rich Days, I landscaped it with a hot tub, gazebo, fruit orchard, 100s of roses and lavender, etc.) is NOT EASY. I am going to need a special kind of renter, and they have to like the idea of a fairly pricey rent, but in the country/on a dirt road.

This meant I had to board my horses -- and then that's kinda where the "problems started." Since I really love horses on a "be with" basis (not to get out and ride/compete/etc.), I wound up not "being with" them -- and paying board and such for them to be "lawn art" at someone else's property. I even paid for someone to ride them. Yes, this was in my rich days. Then, in 2002, when I lost my job and had to start being a contractor, I stopped being able really to "afford" them -- moved them further and further away, because I "love" them -- but at the cheapest, they cost $500/month (there are 2 of them) just in board alone...and then they weren't getting ridden/exercised/etc., because as an independent contractor, I was constantly on the go and unable to get out to the "outer country" where I could afford to board them.

My James TOTALLY doesn't understand this, and I do agree that it's illogical. Why couldn't I let go? Why do I continue to pour money into these beasts, that I never get to see?

Right now, I am holding my breath, because they are being considered by a vaulting academy and are in training -- if they work out, the academy will pay all their costs, and they will be working with kids and special needs people, which is PERFECT for them. They are big, bright, sweet, honest, lovely beings. I just have no ability to see them -- since paradoxically, to afford them, I have to have them too far away to visit or to "enjoy them" on the basis I like (which is just "being with" them).

This situation, too, doesn't make me feel "joyful" -- until the vaulting thing, I felt increasingly "trapped." I didn't want to sell them -- because they are my 'babies' and I'm desperately afraid they will be mistreated, etc. It's so common. But then I pay out $400-500/month, to not even see them? I can see how my James can think this completely insane (though it's unfair to throw this in my face, as it's a very very sore spot for me).

Anyway -- so I am here, writing this morning, on the "do what I say, but sometimes it's hard to do what I say" theme. I am not sure what is going to happen with the real estate stuff -- maybe the problem is it's so long since I had training and I haven't had any deals, I'm a little scared what will happen if I ~do~ get a deal. On the horse front, I am praying every day that they will "take to" the vaulting, because it's the answer to my prayers. On the house front, I am praying for a renter who will love to garden -- even if what they want to pay doesn't pay my mortgage. I have one guy very interested in the house, but he is a business guy (super nice, just not a gardener type), and I'm just afraid that he doesn't really realize how much it will take to upkeep the place -- especially as he's on the go all the time. I think he has a fantasy of wanting a "country home," but no one (including me!) realizes ever how much WORK that sort of thing is (not to mention the fact that the Rush Hour from there is awful, as the freeway narrows down to 2 lanes).

Well, so that's my post for this morning -- nothing too special, just getting back in the feel of writing. And ignoring some work that I have to do before going to this real estate office meeting -- so I better boogie!

S