More on "overwhelm-ment"

Today, waking up at 4:45 to try to get some of the things done today that I need to, I thought "I would love to have a congruent and passionate life. The problem is, the things I am passionate about don't pay."

Cynical, sure. And likely NOT true in the long run. You see, I really DO believe that in the long run, doing what you are passionate about is going to make you a zillion dollars and bring you happiness. It's just that in the 'tween time, you are doing what you are NOT passionate about (but likely good at -- so getting some benefit from at least in that respect), AND the stuff that you ARE passionate about.

I booted up the computer to write down what's going on in my life right now, because I want to get it out of my head. I feel sick, and I know I'm doing too much. And in some respects I made some errors in timing. I can say this -- don't bite off more than you can chew -- or at least force down with a gulp of water.

Law. I am still doing the law "stuff" -- even though I'm in "real estate school" full time these past 2 weeks. The thing is...the law work is so catch as catch can, that I can have weeks where I have "lots" of work (a "lots of work" week is 10 hours), and then weeks with nothing. I have "luckily" not had any billables for the last 2 weeks...the problem with that of course being that means no $. I can't keep my eye on that ball right this second (just too much to think about), but when it comes around to invoicing in about a week, I think we have about 1/3 of normal. This is really not good.

Real Estate. My James and I thought I should go into real estate, because it would be sales (which I like), get me out (which I need), and would help us find where we REALLY want to live. We had thought that we would be finding a "new house" when I started all this -- now, we've decided to stay where we are for about 3 years or so, and "consolidate our lives" there. This is good, in that we're not "house shopping" too -- it's bad, in that I have to move into a house I don't really like, and watch as he doesn't make room for me. That's not really fair -- he has to do remodelling, things like that -- but we're both really stressed out about the whole thing. And now he found termites and dry rot in the deck -- yikes.

So in the real estate "realm," I'm in "school" and have been last week through the end of this week. It's actually a gas -- but I realize it's been a LONG LONG TIME since I did anything from 9-4 with any regularity. You have to be "up" -- and I'm realizing this is completely exhausting me (and my reserves). I think a lot of my "panic" is just "non-well-being" due to so much interaction that I am unused to. Interesting, but true.

I don't want to "let my broker down," so I have to get out there and start DOING real estate. This is freaking me out, because I also have to move (more on that below), think about the wedding (at least a little), get some Passion Parties going (so I don't lose the ability...) -- see the horses...sheesh.

Horses: I thought I had that one licked. A friend was going to sponsor one of my horses, and really care for her. I was ecstatic. Now, her husband had a serious health setback, and she can't. This was unexpected (obviously) but she's upset because she wanted to get horses back in her life -- and I'm upset, because I am now once again overwhelmed that my sweeties aren't getting any time and attention. Not to mention I'm paying $200/month each, and getting zero for that investment. If they were closer, I could at least get out, talk with them, brush them, get that "big zen energy" going. I'm not a big rider -- buying the horses was a big mistake. But now, it's very hard to figure out what to do -- thought I had it licked. Hopefully this is just a matter of timing.

Rent My House. I love my house. But I can't care for it, and I have to move in with Herbert -- meaning, I need to rent mine out. This means Moving (god, shoot me), sorting things, packing, etc. but also saying "goodbye" to my house that I love so much. This is on hold right this second -- but has to pick back up very very soon, as I need to be down in Marin more -- because of the real estate (based there).

Cats. I have 2 cats that belonged to a friend, and I was going to keep -- but it's too many cats for my James. I love'em, but my friend is back from the UK now (after me having them for 2 years) and so she is getting them Sunday. So much is going on, I can't even really pay attention to them to say goodbye.

TV: Blew up -- do I cancel cable? Lose the programs I like to watch, that are in the "Tivo" part of cable? I can't GET to them -- I keep paying -- and have no idea exactly what will happen when I finally get a TV attached.

Passion Parties: Took my eye off the ball and now I'm up against my $600/6 month deadline. I REALLY do not want to lose the ability to do PP's, because I'd like to hold a number of them in 2006 to offset wedding costs. I need to get those going and an email out, etc. to get $600 by 12/6 -- then after the wedding I can just stop doing it -- I just need to keep doing it for now. Sad, I have fun at that too -- I just haven't time to "fill my pipeline."

Working out: I feel like a huge slug. But in the morning (oh, NOW), when I have "time" to work out, I can't get my *ss out of bed. I have to remedy this -- likely with walking (in my "territory" of Sun Valley) -- I want to be in better shape before Hawaii, that's for sure.

Eating badly: I'm drinking too much and eating too much bread and "bad food." I know this, too, I just watch myself do it.

Book: I want to turn this into a book -- the whole 'fEmpowerment/coaching' thing really appeals to me. I actually think of all the things I am doing, this could make a "difference."

Moving: Said that. And renting.

OK that's enough I gotta get a shower, get the dog walked, then go meet a friend I haven't seen in 1,000 years (friendships are falling by the wayside too -- just no time. This is not good either.)

So anyway -- believe me, I get it -- it's HARD to try to "move more towards doing your passion" because of lots of things. I hope I will look back and realize that this time was just a time of "in-between-ness" -- in between making $ doing something I'm good at but not passionate about to making $ doing something that floats my boat, living somewhere where it's lovely but too much work, having too many things to care for (that I brought into my life on purpose), etc.

I hope I can use myself as my own example, about 5 years from now. That's what Suze Orman says -- look back on a time of high stress at least 5 years back -- something equally "good" as that was "stressful" always comes out of it. It did happen to me -- in getting this house, I was coming out of a time of a James cheating on me, work stress in a big way, loaned $ to a friend who renegged so I had to sell his house out from under him (I had that as collateral, I'm not a TOTAL fool), though I had held the house for less than 2 years and so the "gain" (which didn't even pay the debt) was taxable to the tune of like $20,000 (including the $ I didn't get repaid), moving, a house deal falling through...ex taking my horses and refusing to give them back until I gave him 2 of them (1 is now just "lawn art" and the other died soon thereafter, someone tells me of neglect, I don't need to know that...) you name it. Then, I had a breakdown -- wound up in the hospital. Let's just stay THIS side of the hospital this time!