Your Inner Bond Grrl

It’s interesting to me that often when I discuss the idea of “discovering your inner Bond grrl,” I am faced with one of two relatively distasteful opinions.

The first reaction comes, by and large, from men who fancy themselves to be Bond. To them, a Bond grrl is a “trapping” – a gorgeous woman who is easily beddable. The second reaction comes, by and large, from women (who may have faced the men found in #1!). Their reaction is that they don’t want to “just be an ornament” – and when I discuss my ideas of what a Bond grrl is and why she is so indispensable, I am shot down time and again – from a very “lofty” level. As in “what you’re proposing is awful, insane, and you’re sure not going to make me into THAT.”My guess is, if you’ve come this far, you’re at least open-minded on this subject. So, what is a Bond grrl?

In the Bond movies up until the present (a little more on that in a second), the Bond grrl was the one with specific knowledge, that was indispensable to Bond. The Bond grrl, while often bedded by James, was also the one to get him out of tricky situations. She has her own life which she’s very comfortable with – thank you. In other words, a Bond grrl is not hanging onto James’ arm, waiting for pearls of wisdom to fall from his mouth or to be treated to some bauble of some kind. No. She runs her own business, and has come onto the scene because she has some sort of “inside information” or “inside knowledge” that is going to help him move along to his goal.

Recently, the “Bond grrl,” in keeping with the times, is moving more into a “Lara Croft”-type role, or one wherein she is at “the same level” as Bond (an agent herself, etc.) In other words, the 21st Century Bond grrl is more “on equal billing” with Bond. This does not mean that the previous Bond women, by and large, were any less integral to the story – and in fact (to me), detracts from the point that these Bond women had their own very full and rich lives without Bond…that he had his certain things to do, and they had theirs.

But, in general, the Bond grrl for the last few decades has had a certain type of role, and it’s important to appreciate the difference between a Bond grrl and, for example, a Lara Croft/Tomb Raider type.

1. A Bond grrl doesn’t need to be an expert. They leave the specifics up to their “James.” Bond is the one who shows off the facts of wines, flowers, and the like. In discussing the Bond grrl idea with a friend, her suggestion was that a “perfect” chapter would be one on actually knowing how to “seem an expert” on wine, caviar, etc. I disagree. You should have tasted all these various delicacies (more on that in a separate entry), but it’s not that important to be able to “take charge” in this area, and in fact, it’s emasculating to most men. Know what you like – but an integral part of being a Bond grrl is not being a know-it-all. Leave that to “your James.”

2. A Bond grrl doesn’t need to be a hard-ass. Though Bond grrls are put through the ringer often, they are physically fit, but they aren’t generally experts in rock climbing, sky diving, or the like. Again, this is the sort of thing that’s best left to Bond. Should you learn how to ride a motorcycle or drive a manual car – shoot a gun, do martial arts, or scuba dive? Sure, if you’re using it as background information and a “tool” that, if pressed, you can exercise. I’m not saying that if you’re an avid (for example) martial artist that you shouldn’t continue on that path. But in general, this is a “Bond” thing – don’t brag about it. I have wonderful women friends who teach in these areas – and after protesting, they all actually do agree that when faced with male clients, there is nearly always “pushback” about them being women and “good at” what they do – and they say that even women often don’t listen to women as well as they do male instructors. I don’t want to get a big pushback on this one on the “that’s not how it SHOULD be” realm – it just IS. If you open your mind up and really think about this, you will know (in your heart of hearts) that this is true. So if you’re a black belt – great. But that’s just not what you’re going to be talking about with your potential James in cocktail conversation. That’s because it’s men who need to brag about this – if you do it and love it great – just don’t brag. Don’t “one up” your James (or intended James). Hey, remember – you should be listening and gathering information at that cocktail party, anyway!

3. A Bond grrl isn’t a (blink blink of the eyes) bimbo. It’s interesting to me that men take the Bond grrl “Stereotype” and turn it into a “bimbo.” I believe that if you watch the movies, you will see how wrong this is. What’s the difference? Bond grrls don’t brag about their prowess or what they do – they just “do it.” That’s what makes them so interesting – nonchalant experts in an area that Bond needs.

4. A Bond grrl is indispensable because she isn’t #1 – she’s the best supporting actress. This is one thing that’s very clear to me, and hard to get across to women in particular. In the Bond movies, Bond is #1. The Bond grrl is there – in a “best supporting actress”-type role. Now, that doesn’t mean that the Bond grrl is not #1 in her own life. Think of Octopussy running her circus, or Pussy Galore running her airshow. They are definitely the boss, in that realm. But when it comes to their interface with Bond – they are there to be “#1 at being #2.”

Women in particular bristle at this. I am amazed at how many want to be #1 in all aspects of their lives – including their interface with their James. Let’s face it – in every interaction, there really is, subtlely or not, a #1 and a #2. I don’t believe it when people tell me that they have a “totally equal” partnership, particularly in relationship – nothing is ever equal.

When it comes to interfacing with your James, I’m not saying to “be a bimbo.” Far from it. The deal here is that in some aspect of your life, your responsibility is to be the “best supporting actress.” I don’t care if it’s the fact you’re the head of your division at work –you still report to your boss. In that respect, you’re the boss’s “support.” Similarly, even if that boss is a CEO, s/he is still “supporting” the shareholders and the like. So as a Bond grrl, the idea is to give totally unqualified support, because that’s how you get to be indispensable. And that’s what you’re aiming for.

Remember – there have been 5 men who have played Bond. But the Bond women are never recycled. They are their own women as it were – and they are each so different and unique that you can’t just fungibly replace them.

Again (I am such a broken record – ah, what an anachronism THAT phrase is!), the deal here is that Bond really NEEDS the Bond women – I’m not so sure that I would say the same back. I don’t think that a Bond grrl “needs” Bond at all. But the trick is that Bond believes it’s all his movie – it’s all him, all the time. So, let him.

When the Bond grrls are interfacing with Bond, by and large, he’s the “man of action” and they are the helpers. That’s something that you really want to keep in mind when you look at your James. He wants to be considered to be the leader. Why is it that it’s so important to you to beat this out of him?

Bond leads, the Bond grrls are often providing what it takes for him TO lead – but they don’t make a big deal of it. Because they don’t have to.

In this day and age, men get the short end of the stick. Most women are working, trying to take care of the kids, and exhausted all the time. They don’t feel that they “should have to” take care of their James “too.” So our Jameses wind up fending for themselves – or finding some other woman who would be perfectly happy to be #2 to their #1. Wise up here – and take a page from the Bond grrl. She’s not a doormat – far from it. She just knows what she wants, and how best to go about getting it. This means, in the aikido sense, you use the other person’s “energy” to get you to go in the direction you want them to go.

The businesswomen Bond grrls still knew how to care for – or seduce, or even “have their way with” – Bond. You don’t see a Bond grrl asking James to take out the garbage, or, as she comes in in a huff, to fix HER a martini because SHE sure had a bad day. No. The idea here is that the Bond grrl knows that her responsibility is to take care of herself, but then to take care of her James. Because if he’s mollified, she’s a lot more likely to “get” what she wants anyway. Why is this so hard?

Again, there is something that prickles many, many women in this. They don’t want to be “walked all over.” That’s not the deal here. A Bond grrl definitely is “in her power.” And in fact, in doing a bit of soothing to her Bond, she remains in her power – because ultimately there are just some battles that are not worth it. In being fully supportive of her James, she is going to get what she wants anyway – unless what she wants is to turn her James into a girlfriend, somehow. Men are, by and large, just not hardwired in this way.

5. Bond grrls are women of economy. This particularly goes for dialog. Bond women don’t try to get James to listen to how their day was; to banter back and forth; to, in sort, have him be their girlfriend. That is not what their relationship with James is about. Often, I believe that women act this way to try to get “into” their power. They blather on all about themselves, to try to “prove” that they are interesting – that they “count.” Even in “downloading” a tough day, they are trying to get their serotonin up – this doesn’t work for men. I’m not saying to “be a guy” – what I am saying is to realize that some things are best left for your grrlfriends. (If you’re interested in the whole serotonin thing, check out John Gray’s new book, “The Mars and Venus Diet and Exercise Solution.” There are other great books on this subject, but his is definitely the most accessible. I feel it’s a must.)

6. Reclaim your femininity. Women often say that they feel they have lost their touch with the “sensual spark” – part of this, in my mind, is all about trying to “one-up” their James and therefore winding up on the short end of the stick with respect to ‘gender identification’ as it were. Women are now expected to earn their own way, be “powerful,” take charge, and the like. They are almost never taught how to reclaim their sense of femininity. I would certainly say if you were to look at the Bond women, they are not only all powerful in their own way – but they know how to shut it off and be A Woman. Part of this is not ‘having secrets from’ your James – but still being mysterious. In “letting it all hang out,” women basically have taken the lazy, easy way. No makeup, no getting “dressed” for your James to come home – bitch bitch bitch. What’s up with that? When you make someone feel special, they almost always will turn around and then make YOU feel special.

7. Bond grrls are fEmpowered™. Yes, you say, but what if my guy “gets used to” me being there waiting, martini in hand, when he gets home? Well, what of it?? If you’re “worried” about this, it means that you want to have a big fanfare each time you do something that’s not just selfishly all about you. What about thinking about your “partnership” with your James? You want him to massage your feet and meet you with a martini? He’s not the one with the “mom gene” or “helper” mentality – by and large, that’s an XX characteristic. You want to be appreciated – sure. But maybe you need to look for your appreciation in other areas than to have him fall all over you when you do something just a little civilized.

Don’t think about this as “trading off” either. “Sure, I’ll meet him at the door with the martini, but only if he gets his dirty clothes up off the floor.” If the dirty clothes bother you – pick them up. And stop complaining. How much of an effort was that, really? If you want him to change – leave him, because he’s not going to do it.

In the Bond films, the Bond grrls usually bring home their own bacon. They meet James on his own terms – he has his job to do, and they get a part of that. But they have their own whole and complete lives without him in the picture. And when he is in the picture – which is a miniscule amount of their day, really – they make sure that they are memorable to him and that (for that moment at least), he’s not straying. (They might get blown up in the end, or he might wind up on another assignment – but he doesn’t ever leave because she’s a shrew telling him to pick up his laundry.)

I hate being on the defensive about this stuff. I hate hearing my grrlfriends complain about their husbands. It makes me crazy. I think that it’s time to understand where your James is coming from – and to let him come from there, not to “make him” into what you want (or to react to you like a girl would). In exploring your inner Bond grrl, it’s time to take a critical look at yourself and your relations, and to see whether or not you’re making your life easier for you and for your James. And if not, how you can.

I’m certainly not saying to have dinner on the table every night at 6:00 and not get thanked for it. A Bond grrl would walk – remember, she’s a powerful being. If you’re in a relationship wherein you’re not appreciated – maybe that’s not the right James. Remember, James takes for granted that the Bond grrls are going to stand up for themselves, and he takes care of them (or dies trying).

What does a James want? A goal. To feel appreciated. Yeah, I know, you do too, but don’t you realize that it’s likely you’re the only one that your James is going to turn to? You have your grrlfriends, activities, etc. In general, men don’t have this same network – they might have “poker nights with the guys” or tennis matches, but that’s not going to feed his soul or make him feel appreciated. That’s what you’re about. So come on. Don’t emasculate him by ordering the wine and discussing things with the waiter. Or making him change the diapers when he’s returning from a business trip worn to the bone. Life’s just too short.

By schlepping around the house in a T-shirt and sweats, what are you telling him? That he’s not important enough to “rate” for you to clean up for him. And, not only that, you’re telling yourself you don’t “rate” either. If you set things up right – such as going through your closet and being sure you can match things up quickly – and throwing out things that don’t suit you – you’re going to be able to make him happy to come home to you. What about a little meditation before getting together with him – whether listening to wonderful, soul-refreshing music on your way home from work, or doing the same if you get there first? How about some candles?Setting the tone is so important. If you set a tone, you can effortlessly get where you want to be – by just changing your own vibrations. Even taking a shower, if you take that time to appreciate your body, can be a wonderful experience. Why rush rush rush all the time?

This is a tough one for all of us. We say that we “know” we’re “supposed to” set aside time for meditation, or yoga, or the like, but then our days are out of our own control. So how about finding that time in the shower each day? Instead of racing through it, how about making it a sensual experience? If you have a whole family to “get ready” and so this doesn’t seem to be a possible option for you, think about taking your shower before you go to bed – when you can also relax yourself for some time with your James. All those Bond women look so at ease when they fall into bed with James – that’s because they leave their other stories at the door of the bedroom. Maybe a shower can help you with that.

Well, that’s enough of a ramble for today….