One of the keys to finding your Inner Bond Grrl is to come up with the adjectives that you want to "embody." This can be fun -- really! I swear! (It's more fun if you do it with some grrlfriends, but don't share your new Bond Grrl goal with anyone who is going to "poo-poo" the idea. Remember, there are friends and there are "frenemies" -- enemies disguised as friends. I want you only to share this with your real ~friends~).
You might do this by putting down adjectives on one side of a page that come to you during a week, or a day even, that describe who "you are right now." Overwhelmed? Frazzled? Tight? Happy? Crazed? Overworked? Joyous? Depressed? Passionate? Whatever you feel, keep track for a day (or a week), and write those adjectives down any time you feel one.
This is such a great exercise -- because it gets you in touch with your "inner witness" -- it helps you to see where you are right in this present moment. We're going to work on getting that present to be "congruent" with your Inner Bond Grrl by, first, just noticing where your attitude "lives" most of the time.
And as an aside, I want to say that I don't want any victims here. "I wouldn't be overwhelmed if James took out the garbage once in a while" means you're treating yourself as a victim. (You are a "victim" of a circumstance.) Or "I wouldn't be so depressed if I hadn't lost my job." Look. Be a big grrl. There is only the present -- if you want to continue to live in the past, you go ahead, but in my opinion it's a waste and now's the time to get over it. Me? I've had some seriously bad circumstances in my own past. (Abused? "Downsized"? "Hopelessly" in debt? Bad injury/didn't think I could walk again? Car wreck? Had to move back in with my parents in my 30s? Cheated on? Do I have to go on?) I have quite a bit of things that I could "blame" -- but if I resonate with the past, I'm just going to get more of the same. The more I wallow in my depression, or overwhelm-ment, or anger, the less I am able to attract joy, and passion, or even just boredom.
In the book "Ask And It Is Given" (this is a GREAT book), the authors discuss that there is a "scale" of feelings -- with depression at the bottom and passionate joy at the top. The thing is, if you're really suicidal, and someone tries to "jolly you out of it" (what I call "puppies and kittens" talk), it is so far from your own resonance as to seem completely unattainable. HOWEVER, if you can just feel angry -- that energetic resonance is "faster" than suicidal depression. If you can go from depression to anger and it "feels better" -- go for it! The problem here though is that if you go in this direction (I don't want you to stay angry for long mind you!), the people around you are going to try to push you back into depression -- because depression is easier for them to "deal with." But it lightens your energy. So where do you go from anger? Revenge might be a higher step. (You're more in control if you're "plotting revenge.") Again, I'm not saying to stay there for a long time -- but from revenge, where could you go? "Just" being overwhelmed is higher than revenge. Or even boredom -- that's a higher resonance. The idea here is to take baby steps from your suicidal depression -- every day holding onto a higher resonating feeling for about 20 seconds (so say the experts -- it takes about 20 seconds to change your energetic vibration) -- and just keep on moving up. Sooner or later, if you're "just" at boredom . . . you're neutral. Then you're on your way to the higher or more joyous vibrations from there -- you can "bounce up" into feeling lighter and lighter...
As an aside, if in any of this someone calls you "selfish," or (heavens) YOU are calling someone "selfish," I want you to remember just one thing. The word "selfish" means that that person (or you, if you are being the one called "selfish") is acting in a way that is not in the best interests of the OTHER person. If you call someone selfish -- guess what -- you're trying to manipulate them into the way you want them to act. Everyone is ONLY responsible for their own feelings and actions -- and the word "selfish" is one of my hot buttons. The second I hear it or think it -- I remember that it's a 'manipulative' word. You remember that too. Because in changing, if you hear that word applied to you, it means that your new Bond Grrl self isn't doing something that perhaps made someone else's life a bit easier -- but if it really doesn't suit you, then in your change you're changing their reality -- and they're trying to change you back. But on the flip side, if YOU are using that word on someone else -- you're manipulating. You're trying to say to that person "knock off what you're doing, I want you to do something else instead." Bond grrl rule number one is -- don't manipulate or try to change anyone else. If their "selfishless" gets to you -- get out. Period. Don't manipulate. Please.
Woah, OK so I have gone way far away from where I started -- gee how unusual for me (laugh). Where I started was suggesting you come up with adjectives that sort of embody where you are "now" -- be truthful -- and then make a list of the adjectives that embody your "Bond Grrl self." And I don't mean some mythical Bond grrl from the movies. I mean your own Inner Bond Grrl.
Let me give you an example. If you don't look like a stick-figure runway model and are never going to be there -- then let's come up with some adjectives that you can "embody." How about "luscious"? How about "juicy"? (Stop laughing.) Would you call a twig-figured model either "luscious" or "juicy"? I sure wouldn't. If you're going to carry around a few extra pounds and you feel fine about it (if you don't -- do something about it, knock off procrastinating, it's just not worth it) -- then work it into your adjectives. What other ones do you want to embody? Savvy? Sultry? Mysterious? Happy? Exciting? Adventurous? Svelte? Sophisticated? Aware? Smart? Confident? Chic? Come on now -- you do it.
Once you have a good list, order those adjectives so that the ones that really ring your bell are on top. And then tape them to your mirror, your car visor, then inside flap of your purse...on your fridge, your closet. Because from now on, I want you to think about your Inner Bond Grrl, and really nurture her.
What does this mean? It means some things like the following:
1. Think about what you eat.
Is what's going into your mouth a "match" for your adjectives? If not -- stop it. OK yeah fine, you live a life where that's impossible. I do too. Want to know about my life? I'm an attorney. I'm a realtor. I'm a masseuse. I put about 1,000 miles on my car a week, travelling around to clients, etc. I'd love to stop at Burger King and snarf down a milk shake, burger and fries -- and I used to, and then gee, how come my clothes are tight and I don't feel so great? Respect your body, grrls, and get a grip. I also greet my James with dinner, make his lunch, make breakfast, do the laundry -- even when he's surly. But by thinking ahead a little, I don't get hungry, and I don't snack on crap. (Go get a book like the South Beach Diet or David Kirsch's Ultimate New York Body Plan for some ideas that can help you.)
Eat like a Bond grrl -- not an overwhelmed frazzed businesswomanmotherIdon'thavetimeforsexdon'ttouchmedidyoutakeoutthegarbage woman. Eat like who you're becoming.
2. Go through your Closet and Drawers.
Oh god no. Yeah yeah, I know :-) But I mean it. Look Bond grrl, do your undies match? Do you have (she isn't going to say it, is she...?) "period panties"? (Oh my gracious! She said it!) Do you have "granny panties"? No no no no!!!! Get them OUT of your drawer! If you need "period panties," then go out and buy a bunch of sexy black panties, and wear them during your "time." They aren't going to show stains. (She isn't REALLY saying this is she? Yeah yeah, I am.) If you are used to being a Victoria's Secret shopper, so those panties and matching bras cost you bank, well I have a thought for you -- think of how many times you have worn them already -- and do the math. They probably have been well worth whatever you paid for them -- now it's time to bid them bye-bye. Go to Marshall's or Ross or Mervyn's or Kohl's and go get matching bras and panties -- and replace them ALL. Because if you're wearing shoddy underdrawers, that shows how you feel about YOURSELF. (And I'd also SERIOUSLY suggest going to somewhere like Victoria's Secret and get MEASURED to be sure you're buying the right bra size -- this is often a huge revelation and it's free.) Even if no one ever sees your undies on you but you -- YOU are the most important person in this equation anyway, right? Right?!
OK, if that doesn't work, here's a scenario that will scare you into a good clear-out (smile). You are (gasp!) in that car accident your mom (ok, my mom) always warned you (me) about. The most sexy firefighter in the whole world tries to carry you out of the wreckage -- but your dress is caught! The only way to get you away from the car before it explodes is to cut away your dress and carry you to safety! And there's a camera crew there recording every heroic step! (Yeah that makes it really bad huh?)
What are you wearing under that dress, sister??
OK -- so other than the underwear drawer (which you're running screaming to right now LOL) -- I also want you to go through all your OTHER drawers, closet, etc. If you have kids, I bet you run around in sweats and a sweatshirt that can take whatever "hits you." (Huh?) Honey, look. It doesn't match your adjectives, does it? If you're really committed to being a Bond Grrl, it's time to be ruthless.
Get everything you own out on the bed -- and anything that you can't wear because it's too small, that has stains (ANY stains), etc. has got to go. There are wonderful charities that you can send these clothes to. You're going to feel SO much lighter once they're out of your closet -- I promise.
Here's another book I can recommend to you -- "Almost French." It's about an Australian journalist who falls in love with a Parisian man, and moves to Paris -- and her "adjustment" there. (It's great.) One of the things she talks about is her habit of going out of their apartment (to get the paper, etc.) in sweats, her hair not really "done," etc. And how her boyfriend (now husband) cringed each time -- explaining that this is just considered unspeakable. Why? Because it's ugly. Just like wolfing down too much food, etc. (more on this later) -- it means that you don't respect yourself...and you don't respect others (because the French are inveterate people-watchers).
To this end, I want you to go through your closet -- be brave -- and I want you to get rid of anything that's out of date, that you only have because of "memories" of something that "happened" in that dress, that is stained or torn or too short (even a "little bit"), etc. What I really want you to try to do (as I mentioned, I believe, last post) is to come up with two "piles" of clothing -- one that is "black based" and one that is "brown based." "Brown based clothing" (and shoes -- YES you have to go through your shoes, too) could be yellow, brown, orange...you get the picture. "Black based clothing" would be red, black, grey, etc. (You could actually also go "blue based" too -- e.g., navy). Then, when you're putting the clothes back in your drawers or your closet, hang them in the "brown set" or "black set" or "blue set" -- so it's really easy to pair up something fast. Shoes the same.
So what about "baby spit up clothes"? Look -- get rid of them. Get a bunch of white T-shirts or white button down shirts. You can bleach these like crazy (why do you think farmers wear white??) and still look OK.
Your "play clothes" (things you will do housework in, garden in, etc.) are NOT going to be baggy droopy-drawers sweats. This shows disrespect for yourself! Come on -- be brave -- get rid of them.
One thing you could do (boy I'm really wandering this post) is to have an evening with grrlfriends where you all bring the clothes that you are still "attached to" -- and swap. Throw them all in the middle of the room, go around and let each person pick one thing and then another and another -- like one of those Xmas gift "stealing" games. Everyone has to swear though that anything left over is given to charity (in my town, we have Aid To Retarded Citizens, Cancer Society, Dress for Success, Princess Project, and all other sorts of places that won't "rag bag" your things). Someone of your group might even have a housekeeper who would be immensely excited to send these clothes off to her family in El Salvador (I have a friend in this situation). As I write, there is extreme devastation in New Orleans -- there are drops in 2 places in my town for ANY kind of clothing -- ANYTHING (yes, even clean but "formerly owned" undies). Even though I've gotten my closet down to my Bond Grrl best, today I'm going to go back through and see what I can "spare."
One more thing about clothes -- I tell you, I have lived a number of "lives" (corporate attorney, sales person, living East Coast, living Europe, living West Coast, etc.) AND, since I take good care of my clothes, I have a LOT of clothes. (Had a lot.) When I was first going through them with my "Bond grrl adjectives in mind," I was having a terrible, terrible time giving away "perfectly good clothes" that I did know in my heart of hearts either (a) didn't fit my adjectives or (b) were never coming back into style (single breasted suits come to mind). Because why?...Because I had "memories" attached to these clothes. If you're like me in this area, read on. My (ever-suffering) James came up with actually a pretty fun idea -- he said that I could put on all the clothes one at a time, and he would take a picture of me in them. Then I would have a scrapbook of the clothes to look at when I wanted -- on a shelf. But I would have shelves and racks of space because the clothes themselves would be gone.
I have suggested this to folks who have lost a loved one and can't get rid of their clothes -- to make a "scrap book" containing pictures like this -- but to then give the momentos away. Same for T-shirts that are "milestones" for you but you never wear (e.g., a Race For The Cure participant shirt, etc.) I just never thought of it in relation to my own clothes.
You know what? I actually was able to give away the clothes, and didn't do the photos. Because I realized that holding onto photos of clothes that held memories was a LITTLE bit sillier than I really wanted to be. But it was a great and thoughtful idea from my James -- and so I pass it on to you.
As for all my triathlon/Race For The Cure/marathon/etc. shirts, you know what I did? I made a training group for some people that wanted to do their fist triathlon (they all did -- Yay!) -- and I gave them all these shirts to train in. Because if you're out running with a few extra pounds on you but you're wearing a marathon shirt, people passing you are going to think "hmmm, she might be slow, but wow, she did the Big Sur Marathon!" I know -- it's kinda cheating -- but it gave these gals I trained the confidence that some of them needed. If you are just getting started in a training program, how about asking one of your grrlfriends that's done these sort of races if she has a few of those T-shirts that she might give you for motivation? I promise you she probably doesn't wear them that often (I didn't) -- and she'd love to get them out of HER closet.
If you have clothes that are too small for you -- you know what I'm going to say -- get rid of them. If you think (like in the makeup post) you "might" wear some things, then put them all in a big green trash bag, and put a date on them -- if you don't get them out by that date, do NOT OPEN THE BAG -- just take it to charity.
So, back to the beginning. What are your adjectives? Write them down, grrls, and have some fun with them. Because the idea here is to get congruent with those adjectives -- and I'm not kidding you -- once you start looking good on the outside (we've all seen those Oprah makeovers), it's going to seep into your inside.
You'll still have "play clothes" -- but I want these play clothes to be such that when you're cleaning your toilet bowl and that firefighter who saved you from your car wreck comes by to check to be sure you are OK (grin), you're not going to have a spazz attack. Or if you win that Publishers' Clearing House Sweepstakes you entered on a dare. A Bond grrl is NOTHING if not prepared.
Now -- get to it.
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