Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands...

I have been doing a number of Passion Parties recently (I have so much fun at this), which helps me to "solidify" my thoughts on Bond Grrl'in' it re. s-e-x.

Imagine a Bond movie -- here is this sexy Bond grrl, you know that she has her job that she's empowered in (she runs a fishing boat, or she's a nuclear physicist, or she leads a flying squadron, or...), you "respect" her, she's not an "Oh Jaaaaames..." grrl. She's lying, all seductive on the bed. Then the next words out of her mouth as her James approaches are....

"I'm not ready yet."

or how's about

"I need more time."

or how's about

"No, James, I can't have an orgasm, you didn't take long enough, get your mouth back down there."

(OH....MY....GOODNESS did she just say the O word and make a "reference" up there. Yeah.....yeah yeah)

Can you imagine? Come on grrls. I am shocked and stunned when I take informal polls at my classes, how many women still believe that it's "the man's job" to get her to her "O."

Let's take this from just a physical perspective. I think I have discussed this before, but a man, on average, takes about 3-4 minutes to be "ready to go." (That's average -- taking all men 8-80 as it were). A woman? It's closer to 22 minutes. And women seem to EXPECT their James to "make up" that 18 minute "gap" for them.

What up with that? I want to pose a more fEmpowering scenario to you. You know that you're going to have an Evening with your James that night. You come home earlier than he does -- you PLAN IT. I don't care if your boss wants something at the last second, whatever -- tell him you have a "female appointment" he won't dare keep you (laugh). Remember, your LIFE comes FIRST! So you get home so you have plenty of time. Now, time to start the Ritual Count Down. Set the stage....I don't care if you and your James have been together for 10 years! Why would that make romance a thing of the past? Just a candle on the dresser somehow changes things.

(As an aside, yesterday I was taking out the trash, and I happened to look into our neighbors' house. They have been married forever, and there they were, having dinner by candlelight. I think they probably do it every night -- we don't know them that well -- but it just looked really nice. How many of you are eating out of Chinese take-out boxes over the sink? Get real. How Bond Grrlish is that? Not!)

Anyway -- so the first thing you want to do is to take a nice shower or bath (whatever is your choice). Why? Because a woman's #1 sense is TOUCH. What you want to do is not hurry yourself through in 2 minutes, blasting yourself with water and running a washcloth over all your "parts" quickly and stepping out....no. You want to use your HAND, so you have skin to skin contact. You want to start at your feet, and really caress yourself. Take time. Don't have the water too hot, warm is good. Really LOVE your body (all of it). Run your hands all over your body first, with no soap. Second time, with soap. Close your eyes. Imagine your hands are your lover's hands. If you think about it beforehand, it's super nice to have a soap that you use specially before meeting your James -- I use a pheremone shower gel off my website (www.passionESQ.com) that smells like plumeria (mmmmm!) and also has pheremones in it -- that tell YOUR BRAIN (and your James'!) that you are relaxed and "ready." I also love rose, which I get off my other website (www.mooncrafting.com -- yeah, I'm full of'em -- I just like getting the discount for myself LAUGH).

Make sure you DO NOT MISS the "bits" that turn you ON! (Watch out, did she say that? YES I DID.) This is the important part! I don't care what it is -- could be inside your elbow, back of your neck, or of course the "usual" bits. Keep your eyes closed, keep that water warm, and imagine that you're under a warm waterfall and your James (or a fantasy lover!) is caressing you! You will be decreasing your 22 minutes as you go!!!

After your shower, step out and do the same with a fluffy towel -- really take time to wipe every bit of your body of the water, and caress yourself doing it. Don't go fast. Have I said that like 15 times? The idea here is this is "part of the seduction" -- the seduction of YOU by YOU! Your biggest and most important sex organ is your BRAIN -- that's what it's all about.

Now, you want to apply a lotion -- again, for me, I use the plumeria-scented/pheremone lotion that matches the bath gel -- I also have another one that has pheremones in it called "Spice" (that's also off the www.passionESQ.com website). I am not writing this to say "go buy my products," but the deal here is that they don't have SLS in them (sodium laurel or laureth sulfate, which is a known skin irritant and has been linked to cancer), and the lotion doesn't have water as the first ingredient, so it actually is emollient to the skin instead of stealing the moisture away!

Next, I apply a little lubricant (I use Revelation, again off www.passionESQ.com) "inside." (WHAT did she SAY? Yeah yeah...) The idea here, hello, is that you ALWAYS want to use a lubricant, and you might as well get a little head start. Don't use a ton, just get a little in there. Revelation doesn't taste and is re-activated by moisture, and so anything that "goes on from here" is going to help you with the lubrication "issue." (I have talked about that before -- nearly all women are dehydrated, and that is the first body "liquid" that a woman's body holds back on.)

Now, put on your sexy undies/bra/etc. You got rid of your grannie panties and such during your closet purge, RIGHT? I mean, come on! You can go to Ross or Marshall's and get great sets for next to nothing -- and the ones that you have for your "evenings" don't have to be the cross-your-heart-pull-it-all-in-comfy-to-walk-in undie/bra combo. It can be a cute thang because it is just for this purpose. Remember -- this a Ritual for you.

Now, here is a radical concept. You might be, at the end of all this, "ready to go"!!! (Yes, could happen, and your James is not even home yet!) What makes it that you have to go through dinner, etc. before you have sex? If you're feeling ready, call him on his cell phone and tell him that dinner comes "last" tonight. If you know he's going to want to shower and change, then get it all ready for him. Is the shower back ready, or is your wet towel lying around, mirror steamed up, etc.? Come on grrl! Maybe have a soap that he can use that you love the scent of -- you definitely want that fluffy towel for HIM (and how about being there to rub him down?) -- maybe a sexy pair of boxers (I'm a sucker for boxers) laid out on the bed? Do you have music playing? Is that candle lit?

This is just one example of a Ritual that you can set up....one that I teach grrls about all the time. I'm amazed at first the "pushback" I get from women who say that basically their James should be in charge of them having the Big O, and "why should they cater to him like that."

Hello.

FIRST, you cater to YOU. Then, you share that with him. You know how much time, in true reality, we're talking about here? Probably 1/2 hour for you if you go in real slo-mo, and what, like 10-15 minutes for him. And you know what? He will feel like a KING. I know, you want him to make you feel like a "Queen." But grrlfriend, to be fEmpowered is to be in charge of your OWN LIFE. And in this part of your life, it's time to take that empowering control -- to know that you're in charge of your own happiness and that you can affect HIS happiness.

Let me tell you -- you do this a few times (or you do a "30 Days in 30 Ways" or EVEN "10 Days in 10 Ways"!), and your James is going to be grinnin' when he sees you. His eyes are going to light up when you enter the room. I don't care if he doesn't "do" things for you -- you can "do" for your own self, you're a Bond Grrl. But that light in his eyes, that's worth it all.

Since you've also decreased your time to the "Big O," you can not only relax and "have it" (smile), but you are going to make him feel like the hottest thing around. And you know when our Jameses are feeling hot and "expansive," it's all to our benefit! And, YES, I mean that you're going to work on decreasing your time to "liftoff" EVERY TIME (don't sass me, I mean it). You want to take this responsibility on, because it's all of about 10-15 minutes, and it's going to make your sex life LIGHT YEARS BETTER. By taking that control, you're not lying there thinking "oh, no keep doing it a little longer, please keep doing it" and he's not getting a cramp in his hand/neck/whatever saying to himself "I am not doing a good job, I am a bad lover, I can't please her, will you PLEASE get off grrl" (laugh). I would like you to consider making this promise -- to take AT LEAST this area of your life -- into your own power, starting today. (Your James isn't going to know what happened, and he doesn't even need to know. Even if you come home 5 minutes early and "work out the kinks" with a vibe a little, it's going to decrease your time -- and we ALL know that there is no relaxer like the Big O anyway, right?)

So take matters in your own "Hands," grrls. Get yourself ready, and then lie back and ENJOY.

Solitaire