What's It All About (Alfie)?

(You're probably too young to remember that song. Heck, I'm too young to remember that song.)

I was asked today for a "one-sentence description" of what this whole fEmpowerment business is about. Yah. One sentence. From me. Yah.

In general, what I think this is all about is being "congruent" ("empowered") in one's femininity -- not like that awful book "The Rules" where the writers basically said "manipulate the Hell out of your man to catch him by being feminine" -- and not in some "weak sister" way. The real "Bond Grrls" aren't the ones that are falling all over him with the "Oh JAMES"...those are the accoutrement Bond Grrls that generally don't even get a name. If that's what you remember from the movies -- go back and look again.

I keep likening the whole idea of fEmpowerment to winning a Best Supporting Actress Oscar. In life, EVERYONE at some point has to take the "supporting" role, and it's my view that women have lost a lot of what they're "good at" (and what can make them indispensible) by acting "like men" and expecting their men to act like women. ESPECIALLY at home. I think it's awful.

There is the other side of it, of course - there are women out there who are doormats, and they need to get a little more "empowered" and a little less "subservient" -- but I sure don't see those people in my life, frankly. Most of them are like the story I told of the high-powered executive who got a divorce and was out on the dating scene again -- and couldn't figure out how to "make it work." In becoming a highly paid, hard charging "cog" in the man's world, she had lost the ability and more importantly the DESIRE to be "of service" in a true way.

It seems that in a man's world, the idea of being "in service" somehow means "subservient." So it's all about push, push, grab, testosterone, get out of my way. The thing is -- women really were NOT made for this. That's not how estrogen "works" frankly -- we are the harmonizers, we have "groupthink," etc.

And somehow, "being a woman" or (goddess forfend!) being "feminine" has become equated with "weak." (Maybe it's that "weaker sex" tag that does it.) I, personally, am never going to "look feminine" -- at 6'2" no one is going to ever EVER think I'm "cute." (Maybe this works to my advantage -- it's easier for me to cultivate a very feminine "inside" because no one pushes me around.) Of course, fEmpowerment isn't about wearing little dresses with bows (what Bond grrl did that?) And it's also not about dressing in black and being Lara Croft. It's about being balanced between the two. And it's about taking control by, to use a ballroom term, sort of "back leading" the situation without anyone knowing -- if that's what the situation needs -- but more importantly, to NOT TRY TO LEAD when, in fact, you should be following.

Ballroom dancing is such a good analogy. In any dance couple, there is a leader and a follower. If you want to be the leader -- go ahead. But be the one facing forward. But, I'll give you a little secret. The deal is that the follower is the one who makes the leader look GREAT. But she HAS TO FOLLOW. It's her job to NOT know what lies ahead (for goodness sake, she's going BACKWARDS). Her job is to feel each little nuance of her partner's body, and to effortlessly flow in that direction. His job is to keep her out of harm's way, and to make her (and the team) look great. In every situation, there is a leader and a follower. If the follower is trying to "back lead" then it's a power struggle. If you TRUST your leader (that's the key here sisters, you have to trust that you will be cared for), then following is the ultimate high. When it really "works," your leader makes you look GREAT, and the team looks great. And the whole point of it is that you really do not know where you are going -- you trust that your leader will watch out for you, and you concentrate completely on staying congruent with where you are being lead, to make the team look awesome. And you know what? This is SO HARD! It's SO much harder than being the leader! Take it from me -- if you have a crappy leader, all you want to do is backlead. (And sometimes, you have to, so that the leader "gets" what is supposed to be going on.) But a leader can't know how to give you the right cues if you're always going to be backleading, or if you're going to be "doing the choreography without him" (e.g., not letting him "lead" you into a move, because you know what that move is "supposed" to be already). You do a disservice to him by doing that -- he never learns "how to" lead -- and you do a disservice to yourself, because there really is nothing like being expertly lead. The leader is ALWAYS worried and concentrating on what's around him -- who might bump you, where to go next, what move goes with what follow-through move. If you're the follower (and you're with a good leader) -- you just get to float and fly. You have to be totally present and congruent, don't get me wrong -- you are ALWAYS vigilant, because you have to be ready if he has to "twist" you in a new direction to avoid some clod who isn't watching what he's doing. But that's your job -- to be ready, vigilant, on your toes, and indispensible.

The deal with the "Bond grrl" analogy is that in all of "popular mythology," I couldn't find a better example of what I was talking about. These women run their own businesses, know what they are talking about -- but take a "supporting actress" role to Bond. And they're fine with it, too. I still haven't gotten my hands around the one-sentence description of what it's about -- tho again, I think fEmpowerment is such a fabulous trademark and is net-net the key "issue" -- it's about being empowered, while still being feminine and sexy.

It's about being "ready." It's definitely not about "man-bashing" -- it's not about being a "victim" at all. (That's so key. The whole "victimhood mentality" that I see awash in America makes me crazy -- NO ONE will take responsibility for their life or their mess. Get a grip, sisters.)

Interestingly, by using the Bond grrl as my paradigm, I wind up immediately getting the "Hackles up" of many, many women. If anyone has a way of figuring out a way around this, I'd love to hear it. Most women who hear the word "Bond grrl" think of an empty-headed bimbo -- which is amusing and amazing to me. Somehow these women want to be Lara Croft instead. I think that this is because most women, somehow, deep down, feel that they're not "kick *ss" enough. The people I get the warmest reception from are men -- and often, they actually 'get' the whole concept right away.

I guess maybe the one sentence description of what this is all about is:

"This is about fEmpowerment -- helping a woman feel both empowered and feminine at the same time. With how-to tips and using a humorous, "best girlfriend" style, I want to coach and coax women out of the blame game and into realizing their authentic selves. I use the Bond grrls of James Bond movies as a paradigm for women who can not only run their own businesses, but also be quietly indispensible to someone else taking the lead."

Hm. I guess I still have to work on this. It's such an important concept -- the "guinea pigs" I have coached in the whole fEmpowerment concepts have given rave reviews to what I have to say in the voice, deportment, and sex departments. (OH HO, you want to read the SEX stuff huh? Yeah, OK, maybe tomorrow I will start.) Once I get going in talking about the concept, they realize that this is a new take on the standard "self-help" material -- and it's fairly easy to get an immediate change and to make it permanent (if you really are serious about coaxing your inner authentic self out!)

Time for coffee...my lord how is it I get up at 6 and then suddenly it's 10? Mercy Me. :-)