Walk the Walk..and Talk the Talk

When I hear people use this phrase, they usually mean “be congruent in your ideas and your thinking.” But to me and any nascent Bond grrl, this means just what it says – you’ve got to work on the way you walk, and the way that you talk.

I know this sounds mundane. But you know what? Having a fabulous walk and a fabulous voice is never going to leave you, once you have Bonded with it as part of your New You. Whether you’re schlepping around the grocery store in your new version of your “play” clothes (didn’t get rid of the droppy drawers yet? Shame on you, go clear out that closet this instant!), or whether you’re with your James on a night on the town, the Walk and the Talk are going to be part of your new signature. So, let’s get down to it.

I want you to walk across the floor. Yeah, really – stand up from the computer (or, if you’re me, take the laptop off your lap) (OK if you’re on a packed subway reading this on a download, I forgive you just this once), and walk. But, wait just a second – don’t get up just yet. When you walk, I want you to pay attention to what you feel like in your body. Don’t change anything – just do it. If you have a full-length mirror available to walk towards, of course, that’d be great . . . but you can do this by just paying inner attention. Now – scoot.

Back? These are a few questions I have for you.
1. Do you walk quickly, or slowly?
2. Do you take little steps, or do you “stride”?
3. What part of your body do you “lead” with – your head? Your chest?
4. Are your shoulders forward? Back and down?
5. Where are your eyes?
6. What does your stomach feel like? Your butt?

Do you need to go again? Have at it – now I want you to come back and really think about the above and how this possibly conveys your Self to others around you.

1. Pace. Do you walk fast, as if you are going to mow people down if they don’t jump out of your way? As if where you are going is much more important than where you are now? Do you walk so slowly that grass grows under your feet, implying you have nowhere to go at all? I am sure you get where I’m going with this one. You want your pace to fit with those adjectives that you came up with for your Inner Bond Grrl. What were those adjectives? Bold, adventurous, seductive, sophisticated? I am pretty sure that they weren’t aggressive or dis-attached, or mopey and dejected. If you walk very fast, your outer Self gives off a perception that what is going on around you isn’t nearly as important as where you are going. But it also gives off a whiff of poor planning. Even if you’re excited to go somewhere, you don’t want to go at a pace that gives you shin splints. One of the undercurrents of the “Paris” post had to do with planning and timing. If you have banked and planned your time and day so that even a traffic jam is accounted for (ALWAYS better to be too early than to arrive late), then there is no need to “rush.” You’re there to “Bond” with your environment; to see and be seen.

Let’s try a little example. I want you to get back up (sorry, today is “exercise day”) and I want you to walk really quickly across the floor, and I want you to do it with a relaxed, easy smile, appreciating everything around you. OK maybe you don’t even need to get up. Even imagining that is pretty impossible, right? That’s because I personally don’t believe it can be done. To appreciate and to radiate your Self, you have to move at a speed that allows you to admire your journey – and to allow others to admire you.

On the flip side, walking super slowly can often be perceived as “troubled” – you are “inward looking” and aren’t “paying attention.” Again, this is not the Self you want to radiate!

So I want you to have a pace that really reflects those adjectives that you came up for that match a Bond grrl persona – and I want you to envision your walk to incorporate those adjectives. Next time you walk – anywhere that anyone might be watching (yes, that includes the grocery store, though there, walking slowly might mean looking for the right box of cereal!) – I want you to have a pace that speaks confidence without briskness; that reflects that you are on a fabulous journey, and will make people want to know all about where you are going – maybe even to make them smile at your radiant, confident face!

2. What sort of steps do you take? “Baby steps”? Strides? I had this brought up to me personally by a Somatics teacher. In a very basic way, Somatics is a way to build a personal presence that says “Yes” to your desires! First, you become an effective observer of how you move through the world, then you become comfortable with your own power and presence, and ultimately you learn now to reflect your awesome Bond grrl inside, out! Believe it or not, you can learn how to transform self-limiting beliefs and habits from the “outside” – by enhancing your body skills. As your body goes, your mind goes – and vice versa.

One of the things a Somatics coach will uncover for you are small things that wind up projecting a different image than then one you might want to portray to your “audience.” One of the things that we had to work on for me was my steps. Why? I am over 6’ tall. And I took “baby steps.” In fact, when I’m in heels, it becomes very obvious how small my strides are – you would hear a “clickclickclickclick” to each one of my James’ steady “thunks.” I hadn’t really thought about it until it was brought to my attention by the coach, who said that for my having legs that just about came to her armpits, I walked with a stride that was even shorter than her stride! She actually made me walk with my “normal” stride – then she made me take very exaggerated steps (as long as I could really walk, without taking “Giant Steps” like we used to do in grade school games). She asked what that different pacing triggered in my mind. (That’s what this training is all about.) I realized that by taking tiny steps, I felt “more feminine.” I have been tall all my life – always head and shoulders above the crowd, you might say. But it wasn’t until I started talking about how “gigantic and unfeminine” I felt as I lengthened my stride, that I started realizing that there is really a LOT that’s “lodged” in the way we move, hold our head, and such. (If you’re interested in this area, you really might want to hook up with a Somatics coach; the best ones will give you a free “consultation” about the way you hold your head, walk, sit, etc.)

With this learning, I wound up “modulating” my stride, so it’s about twice as long as it once was, but still isn’t “giant steps.” When I tried it at first, I really kept getting this voice in the back of my head about how “gigantic” I was. Even though I was just taking a stride that matched my body! You might not have this issue – but it’s something to look at and to mention, which is why I brought it up. If you are taking too long of a stride for your body (this might happen to a short person who constantly feels she has to “keep up”), you’re going to look rushed, and certainly not “poised.” For a tall or heavy girl to take tiny little steps, you’re also going to look unbalanced. If you’re like me, you may be doing it because you’re trying to take the steps of a “petite” woman and therefore somehow imagining that you’re a foot shorter or 100 pounds lighter. Don’t do it. Be congruent with who you are now.

3. Body positioning. Boy, this is a big one. What part of your body do you “lead” with when you walk? Where are your shoulders? Where are your eyes? What does your stomach feel like? These are all related to body positioning. So let’s talk about that now, next.

Eyes. Your eyes are the “windows to your soul.” Everyone has heard that. But how often when we are talking to someone, and certainly when we are walking, do we have eyes that dart around like a bird after seeds – or that are focused on some mythical cloud or angel up and to the left? Your eyes should be looking straight forward, but not “locked.” (If your eyes are locked on something – like your James rushing forward to scoop you up into his arms! – people will often actually turn around to “see what you’re staring at.”) You want your eyes to be soft, and really just sort of “present.” When you walk next in a crowded area, I want you to pay attention to how few people, in America at least, meet your eyes. Or if they do, it’s someone who might be trying to “menace” you, or catch your eye to give them a quarter. I want you to practice (a mall is a great place) walking confidently, and with a “smile in your eyes.” I know you can do this – that smile doesn’t even have to be on your lips if it’s in your eyes. I want you to scan the people who are coming toward you, and I want you to practice really looking at the oncoming crowd of people that feel “safe” to you (an older man maybe, or a woman in a business suit). I want you to think as you look at them “I’m really interested in you!” Just think it for a second, but really concentrate on it and on them. Sometimes, they will even come out of their reverie for a second – sometimes they will even smile back! Once you have gotten that acknowledgement, you want to slide your eyes over to a new target – if you keep your eyes on someone after you have had the acknowledgement, they’re actually likely to approach you (“Do I know you?”) or think that you might be able to help them with whatever is going on in their mind at that point (“Do you know of a good restaurant? Do you know the way to this store?”) Again, you’re just practicing and walking – shining happy eyes, “you’re so interesting!”, nod or smile, and on you go.

I want to tell you what I imagine happens when I’m really in my Flow on a day like that. I will often do this in the mall, and by the end of the hallway, I might have had 20, 30 of those encounters. I actually get a little jet of energy, I feel really beautiful, and I make up a story that one of those people that I have “encountered” is going to carry that energy on to perhaps make 20 or 30 of those encounters of their own. How great would it be, if suddenly everyone in the mall was really looking at each other with a quiet, happy, shiny feeling, that “I’m really interested in you!” look, even if everyone kept walking? I think we would feel more knit together – I think it’s also harder to harm someone who you feel, even if just for an instant, has an interest in you.

Now, back to your “posture.” No, I’m not your mother. But how do you hold your shoulders? No one can slump like a tall girl, take it from me! So I want to suggest something – I want you to think about rolling your shoulders “down and back.” Try it now. Roll your shoulders back (mmmmm, feels good, doesn’t it??) Now I want you to sit up (if you’re lying in bed with the notebook on your stomach – OK yeah fine so that’s how I’m writing so sue me) and I want you to reach back and feel the point of the shoulderblade of your opposite arm. If your shoulders are down and back, the shoulderblade point will be “in” (pointing toward your backbone). Now, roll that one shoulder forward (slump). Feel how the point of the shoulderblade juts out?

That’s just not any good for your anatomy. Our shoulders, in their “relaxed” position, are “down and back” (flat). It’s slumping for years that allow our muscles to get pulled out of shape – the muscle that stretches forward so the shoulders can easily “slump” getting longer while the muscle that would hold them back into their more natural position getting shorter. If you’ve been a “slumper” for a long time, it’s going to feel very, very awkward to get your skeleton into the “right” position, with your shoulderblades flat, your shoulders “back and down.”

As an exercise, when you’re next walking, I want you to think about those wingtips of your shoulderblades. I want you to think about them pointing towards (or “pinching” – without actually pinching them back) your backbone. Now, often people will say that means to “put your chest out” (having a Size A-B cup, I would almost always counter with “what chest?”) – but my more endowed sisters have even more of a problem, their “slump” often comes from carrying around all that weight forward. Whatever your anatomy, I want you to think about keeping those shoulderblades towards one another – and those shoulders down and back. When you see the back of a skeleton in Anatomy class – that’s how those blades fall naturally – because all the muscles that have been pulling the skeleton out of its natural shape are gone. (Think about that.)

So why don’t I concentrate on the chest? Because one of the things that I have noticed is that often when women walk, they either walk with their forehead or chin our, or their chest. Walking “from your chest” looks aggressive; walking with your forehead or chin forward often means you’re looking down, and it just doesn’t cast a good light on your face. So where should you walk “from”?

From your pelvis/hips! I suppose that I’m supposed to make a knowing “Bond-type” comment about this, but I will demure. So what does it mean to walk from your pelvis? This:

1. Stand up, shoulders “down and back.” (Come on, stand up, you can still see the screen.) Now concentrate on your stomach. I don’t want you to “suck in your stomach” (though that will happen). I want you, instead, to think about drawing up your bottom ribs “away from” your hips – basically “elongating” your whole torso. Yes, this will make your stomach “suck in,” but in a different way than if you just held your breath.

2. Now, I want you to think about your tailbone (if you want to, feel the end of it). Your tailbone should point toward the ground. Once you realize how “swaybacked” you might be, you’re going to feel you can’t walk at all with your tailbone in where it belongs! It takes practice – often it involves tucking your buns “under” (which will ALSO suck your stomach in “automatically”). You do not want your booty to stick out. It should be tucked under and in – because you can’t have the Bond grrl walk with your sacrum dislocated. Your booty has to be part of your back.

3. OK, so you’re relaxed, “stretched,” tucked under. Now I want you to take a step, but NOT FROM YOUR FEET. (What?) I want you to take a step by actually turning your hip on a horizontal plane. What this means is that I want your step to start up at your pelvis, and what you’re going to do is to step forward not by swishing your booty from side to side, but by actually pivoting your hipbone to the side, staying in the same horizontal plane. What this means is that if you put your finger on your hipbone, when you step forward this way, the finger doesn’t move up and down, it just goes forward, but where the hipbone/finger was originally pointing toward the wall in front of you, now, after the step, it’s pointing slightly to the left (if you moved your right foot) of that point. Your foot/leg will naturally follow, but you can actually only move your hips on this “axis” if you have your ribs pulled up, booty tucked under, and stomach in.

4. This is often called “walking the line” – imagine having a line in front of you, and walk with one foot after another on that line. Try it. See how, “automatically,” if you were to swish your booty, you would fall off the line? And if you are a “stomper” (feet on either side of the line, not “on” it one after the other) – not very attractive -- you can only “make” your hips do the pivot, by walking that imaginary line? Even more interesting, you need to hold your stomach in, tailbone down, ribs in, and all that jazz, to do the “line walk.” If you’re too heavy to be able to actually physically walk a line, one foot after the other, then just do your best – the idea here is to have something to work towards.

5. It’s going to feel weird, no doubt about it. But this is The Way a seductive walk starts. Not swishing your booty from side to side like a streetwalker – instead, what you’re doing is “pivoting” on the axis of your backbone, so first your right hip comes forward with your right leg, then your left hip, and so on, but if someone was to look at you from behind, your booty stays exactly in the same plane. Another way to think of this is that if you were “walking the line” and there were two walls on either side of you, you wouldn’t bump into either one – if the walls were literally snug against the side of your hips, you would just glide on down them, not bump from one side to the other. Women often think that this “booty swing” is a sexy walk, but from the front it looks juvenile, and from the back it looks trashy. “Walking the line” looks sophisticated, whether you’re wearing sweats (you know, those nice, clean, tailored ones, right?) or black tie. And there is NOTHING a James likes better than to just Watch You Walk.

6. This is the graduate level – now LEAD with your pelvis, as you “walk the line.” What does this mean? Very subtlely, “lean back” away from your pelvis – this is how models walk. It means that your pelvis “arrives first” and your chest arrives just a split second after. This is the gold standard of sexy walks – though I will admit to you I’m not that great at it. It takes super abs. But just by mastering “walking the line,” you’re going to know that you look just as good going as you do walking away.

Talking to Talk.

What does your voice sound like? I don’t mean whether you talk fast or slowly – whether you always seem to be the one talking, or whether you leave your listener breathless just hearing you. I mean – what does it actually sound like?

I want you to talk. Yes, just talk – read this paragraph aloud if you want to. Put your hand on your forehead – your nose – your throat – your chest. Where is your voice really coming from?

Now, let’s find your Bond grrl voice. I want you to do the following – I want you to come up with a “pitch” or tone that is as high as you can make it, that reverberates in your forehead. (You might need to sit up if you’re reading in bed.) Now keep “toning” but lower the “pitch” of your tone, making that tone “travel” down your face, into your nose, down lower vibrating your chin, to your throat, down to your chest, and finally, coming to rest down at the base of your sternum – the area that would be just below the middle of your bra. Go ahead, do it.

Now, try again – read this paragraph with your normal voice. Do you get a better idea of what “pitch” your voice is? Usually, our voice comes from our throat, or sometimes (if we have a “nasal” voice) from our nose, and sometimes (if we have a “throaty” voice), it originates in the upper chest. But what I want you to do is to read this paragraph out loud from here on, and concentrate on that space that you found – below the middle of your breasts/brastrap –read it with your voice coming “from” there.

OK stop laughing. Do it again. THIS is your Bond grrl voice. No – not all the girls in the movies “have” this voice – but you should. Why? It’s sexy as heck. And because it’s coming from so low down in your lungs, you can’t “support” a huge stream of talk – you actually have to slow down, which gives your listeners a break. Also, you can’t “shout” – because that voice lower down in your lungs means, again, less “air support.” That’s better too – having your James lean forward to listen to you instead of leaning back getting his ears blown off by your barrage of words is a lot more sexy.

When I remember to use my “authentic” or “congruent” Bond grrl voice, my James really notices. Because I have to speak slower, I also have more of a chance to choose my words. He says that automatically, he is more interested in what I have to say, just because I changed the “pitch” of my voice. I will be the first to admit that when I’m in a big gab sesh with one of my grrlfriends, there is no chance I can hold up my end by speaking in that authentic voice. But what does that mean? That, likely as not, you’re either gossiping, or talking too much. Do you really want to do that, even unconsciously – do you want to “let your hair down” with your grrlfriends and use that as forum for nagging, running off at the mouth, etc.? Instead, if you can keep your ear out for your new Voice, and use it in all of your social relationships, you will soon discover (maybe to your dismay) how often you lose the Voice because you have to “talk faster” or “louder.” If that’s the case – you’re potentially being annoying. I have friends that talk and are fun and entertaining – but I can’t get a word in edgewise. I myself, when wound up, can get this way. I’m not saying that you’re not going to slip – I’m just saying to be vigilant about it.

If you find that you have the urge to mouth Marlene Dietrich’s torch song, “Falling in love again, never Vanted toooo, Vhat am I to dooooo, Cahn’t HELP it” you’re not alone – every time I get back into the swing of using my Voice after a period of mindlessness, I laugh when it comes out of my mouth and I hear that torch song in my subconscious. Granted, I never heard the real thing, only a mock-up of it on old Hogan’s Heroes re-runs – but if you know the song, I bet you are going to feel the same way too!