Double Oh! Productions

Who-hoo! Valentine's!

2008-02-14T07:42:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, you gotta check out this website:

http://quicksaysomethingnice.com/

It's just too much fun, and the quotes are good for a smile. You can even add your own!

My publisher came up with Valentine's Cards that go with the book -- and the fabulous Sallie Goetsch is re-designing my BeABondGirl.com website, and has posted them. If you want to get a sneak peek at the site, check out:

http://beabondgrrl.com/wordpress/

If you go to the blog, that's where the Valentine's Day Cards are located.

Have a great one! And be sure to pamper yourself, and (if you have one) your James!

Soli.

KCBS Health Etc with Dr. Oz seminar!

2008-02-04T15:14:00.000-08:00

This Saturday, I attended the "Health, Etc." conference where Dr Mehmet Oz was the featured speaker:

http://www.kcbs.com/pages/236034.php?

(the photos aren't up yet)

What a fantastic event. I had imagined that Dr Oz would be "just as great" as he is on TV -- but he definitely was. In fact, he stayed late to answer questions from the hall, and was just super. I have been to seminars and seen (and met) folks from TV/etc., and often they are not what they "seem" to be on TV. If anything, he seemed NICER than on Oprah.

One of the things that I also did was wait in the (very VERY LONG, but fast moving) line to have my Glucose, Blood Pressure, Cholesterol tested.

My Glucose was 102 non-fasting -- which is normal (Less than 140). YAY!
My total cholesterol was 178 -- which is normal (less than 200). YAY!
My blood pressure was 139/93 -- which is WAY BAD and ABNORMAL. Yikes!!!!

As in, they said to see my doctor immediately. Then I talked with the doc who was there, who said that this had to be monitored and had to go down "like now," b/c it was stroke-level (the bottom number is the "baddie" tho they are both bad).

115/75 is good
120-129 on top and 80-89 on the bottom is "pre-hypertension"
130-159 on top and 90-99 is "Stage 1 Hypertension" -- the bottom number being the more important and "worse" one.
Then you are basically just about to die if you are over that.

SO ANYWAY, she said that I had to get back on exercising, b/c also my fat percentage was high. This does not surprise me, since after my wedding (oh, now 1.5 years ago!) my James and I have been the foie gras and wine and lolling King and Queen. But this freaked me out bigtime. No more red meat, blah blah, and NOW.

I heard once that it's when you get a "wake-up call" that you really get serious. I never really thought that was going to apply to me. I know, what a dummy. But I'm definitely still slim, etc. -- I didn't know I had a time bomb ticking away.

So that's my post for today -- after I get the podcasts done that I'm working on on "Inner Game," I'm going to be doing a few interviews with some doctors about health (Dr. Monte included -- YAY!), and also a hypnotherapy induction for free. Hey -- and I will use it!

Soli

Podcast Four: Feng Shui

2008-01-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

Click here to see what a Bagua map looks like (from www.wsfs.com):

I know it's difficult to "imagine" the bagua square just from my talking about it, so this should help. I tried to find one I could insert here -- but most of the ones that are available on the internet are "Magnetic School" and more difficult to understand. I think that this one should help to envision "what I'm talking about" in podcast 4!!!!!

Let me know what you think about the podcasts!

Solitaire

Podcast Episode Two/Three: Resources

2008-01-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

Hi Again!

Here are the resources that I mention in Podcast Episode Two and Three...

1. Podrunner.com: Here is a great podcast to download some tunes for your closet cleanout!

2. beatport.com: Here's another one!

3. ImageForSuccess.org

4. ebay.com and half.com

5. freecycle.org

And, if you're interested in reading up on the subject of Podcast Four, see if you can pick up a copy of The Western Guide to Feng Shui -- a click through is under Library on the BeABondGirl.com website :-)

Happy listening!
-- S

Podcast Episode One: References

2008-01-10T16:56:00.001-08:00

SOME day, these podcasts are going to load into iTunes! I'm not sure what's going wrong -- frustrating!

That said, I'm going to list the references that go along with the episodes here... so that once they are working, this will be done :-)

Obviously, the number one reference in the podcast is my book, fEmpowerment: A Guide to Unleashing Your Inner Bond Girl. The link to purchase the book in a manner that gets me the "most dough" is through the homepage on BeABondGirl.com -- hey, I'm a shameless capitalist :-) This link goes directly to the on-demand publishing house that my publisher used, so there is none of the "50% discounting" that goes on when you sell a book through a bookstore (online or regular retail).

If you have Amazon.com credits, of course, be my guest and get it on Amazon :-) I only get 23 cents this way as the author -- but I'd rather you have the book and if Amazon is the way -- it's the way!

If you go to the Resources for the book on the Home page of BeABondGirl.com and click through on any of the books, you will be through a "portal" where you can then search for the book... and I get another 2 cents since I'm an "Amazon Associate." Yeah Yeah -- Shameless, Shameless, Shameless!!!!!

The links to the other websites that I reference in Episode One are listed under Resources on the main BeABondGirl.com website, but I will also note them here:

BeingJamesBond.com
MotivationToMove.com
FitnessRocks.org
BehindTheBarShow.com
[my heros!]

Thanks for reading!
"Solitaire"

My podcast is UP!

2008-01-02T10:26:00.001-08:00

If you check the Homepage at www.BeABondGirl.com, you can download my first podcast! I have actually already done another one, but I have to wait for my James (the technical one of the relationship) to get it up there. It's also uploaded on iTunes.

Yippee!

New Year, New Habits (from advancedetiquette.com)

2008-01-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

Syndi Seid is a client of mine, and I thought I would share her New Year's email here. She has a great "tip of the month" you can subscribe to -- always something that you can "put into action" to improve your life! -- Solitaire
++++
[Tip of the Month, AdvancedEtiquette.com]

Whenever the New Year arrives, it says to me… “Yippie! I'm leaving behind all the terrible stuff I did last year and beginning a new year with a clean slate.”

For me, a clean slate means New Year's Resolutions. Do you make them? Perhaps you did at one time, but stopped when you couldn't stick with them. The key is to make a list according to the SMART method… being Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Reasonable, and Timely.

I used to list things such as "lose weight" and "make more money," yet know I will be contending with these forever... so I don't bother to list them. Instead, I work on goals and resolutions, some challenging and some mundane, to develop better habits and make me a better person.

Here are my eight New Year resolutions for 2008:

Say "please" and "thank-you" with every request. This means not only with co-workers, but my spouse, family, and close friends, as well. I should treat the people most important to me as well as strangers.

Be on time for appointments and parties. The primary reason I am ever late is because I do not take enough time to think through and plan for traffic and other situations. When I leave enough time, I am never late.

Wait for the green light at all crosswalks. It amazes me how calm I become when I wait instead of crossing, even when I'm in a hurry. The extra few seconds don't amount to a hill of beans, compared to losing life or limb, causing other traffic jams, or other disasters.

Twice a week, send someone a card and note by regular mail. Thanks to Send Out Cards, it’s easy to build this habit. To all those I have said, “I’ll be in touch, “ or thought, "I wonder what's new with so-and-so," I am now taking action. The responses are well worth the effort---tenfold, at least!

Keep all shared items and areas at home and in the office clean and neat. I admit, I have been known to take a pair of scissors from a drawer and not put them back for my husband or others to use. I am also picking up after myself and cleaning all areas I've messed up before leaving the room.

Invite someone to lunch or coffee once a month. There are certain friends, co-workers, distant family members, and other acquaintances I'd like to know better. I will now do it by having lunch or coffee with these individuals, once a month. For folks far away, a telephone call will surely be a welcome surprise.

Make a habit of turning off my cell phone and other electronic devices the moment I enter a meeting, restaurant, theater, museum, or other public place.

Not to talk over or interrupt someone while they are speaking. This, I admit, is my worst offense. I get so eager to share information or ask a question, I forget to remain silent until it is my turn to speak.

How about you? Do some of these goals sound familiar and are you willing to make SMART resolutions for 2008? Here are some suggestions on how to achieve results and receive a reward for doing so:

Make a list of six to twelve items, based on displaying better manners, adhering to good etiquette, and generally transforming yourself into being a better person for life. Display this list in a visible place on your desk, on the refrigerator, or wherever you are likely to see it daily.
Send your list to me at doubleohsandy@yahoo.com as witness of your firm commitment. We'll check back in, by the end of 2008, and if you feel you've made your goals, I'll send you a complimentary gift of congratulations!

Do not tackle your entire list at once. It will be unrealistic and impossible to manage, and you will become discouraged. Choose one or two items each month. As the year progresses, you will make these a habit each month, then add more in subsequent months. By December you will have six to twelve new habits ingrained that will enhance your life forever.

Happy Practicing... and Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!!!!! (The "Cracker Story")

2008-01-02T09:48:00.000-08:00

I was sent this link this morning and thought I would share:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm6ktYq0Yxk%20&NR=1

You have to watch -- it makes me feel GREAT seeing it. So fun!!!

Over New Year's Eve, we have a big bonfire and invite everyone we know to come and throw in lists or representations of things they want out of their life in the new year. Then, after midnight, everyone throws in lists or representations of what they want IN their life, for 2008. One of the gals came with a new tradition -- she had a big round "cracker bread" (BIG), and she had everyone say what they thought the "representation" of the roundness meant. Unity -- the world -- etc. Then, everyone grabs a piece of the edge, and then on the count of 3 everyone breaks their piece off for the New Year.

There were about 8 of us when we did this -- and everyone broke the cracker off -- when I was bending mine, it cracked off the ENTIRE cracker except what was in everyone else's hand! Yes, the WHOLE thing. I started laughing, and the gal said she had never seen THAT happen before. I of course held it over my head and said....2008, "O" stands for "Oprah"!

Have a grand new year, all of you!

Solitaire

Your Morning "Coffee" . . .

2007-12-12T07:26:00.004-08:00

A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor.

The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life in general...

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal - some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite.

Quietly he told them to help themselves to some fresh coffee.

When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering.

''You may have noticed that all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems! "

He continued...'

'Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, but you instinctively went for the best cups... Then you began eyeing each other's cups....'' '

'Now consider this: Life is coffee. Jobs, money, and position in society are merely cups. They are just tools to shape and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the Life we live. Often, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that God has provided us. God brews the coffee, but he does not supply the cups. Enjoy your coffee!''

The happiest people don't have the best of everything - they just make the best of everything they have... So please remember: Live simply. Love generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God. And remember - the richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least.

The $40 Gorgeous Day

2007-11-15T12:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, coming from my pole dancing class, I'd parked about 2 blocks away from the building in which the class is held.

When I had driven into the city it had been a “pretty day,” but in the 2.5 hours I had been inside – WOW. It had become ~unbelievably~ beautiful.

The class is in the Cow Hollow area of San Francisco - which means you see the Golden Gate Bridge, sailboats, marina, etc – and so I started to walk slower….and slower….just amazed at the beautiful day.

I walked so slowly, in fact, that the 2 minute walk took me 15 minutes. And when I got to the car, I had a $40 parking ticket!

So, when asked today by a friend who is “enjoying” (not) the drizzly, cold, nasty New Jersey weather how the weather was in San Fran, I said that, in fact, it was not only gorgeous, it was a “$40 gorgeous” day!!

:-)

Enjoy Your Life, NOW!

2007-11-01T13:10:00.000-07:00

You know - I'm such a lucky Bond grrl :-)

Today, here in Bond grrl land, it was grey this morning, but it's lovely now. Yah yah, I'm supposed to be going to the gym, but I was up in the Russian River helping out a friend going thru a divorce (no work to do? Don't obsess -- get out of the house!), and so I decided, WTH, I would head up a bit farther North and go to my fav winery (Hanna -- http://www.hannawinery.com/).

So here I am - the tasting room gal knows me - so I've had a couple tasting glasses (gratis) of their new chardonnay, with some nice crackers, sitting on a big redwood picnic table (alone - it's weekday) in the wine fields.

The crows and sparrows are calling and swooping, there's a little highway traffic from 101 ... but otherwise, it's me, the crackers, the grapes, and the Chard.

They had a midweek 40% off special and so I bought (yeah. Credit cards. Bad Bond Grrl) some wine for my James for the holidaze he is going to LOVE.

Instead of getting stressed out re "no job, etc." - except for the buying wine on cards part - this is the Bond Grrl life.

Take a break when it's offered. Forget the hustle. In a month, it'll be rainy and cold. Glass'a chard, me, the wine grapes, the sun, the birds.

The gym can wait another day :-)

Solitaire

Bookin' !

2007-07-24T13:03:00.000-07:00

You'd think that being an author kinda ends when you turn the book into the publisher. Not so! Now comes the "visualization" part. Figuring out how to portray your vision on the page, in a manner that's not going to break the bank (e.g., use lots of fancy colors, 'screens' and fonts). Everything from margins, lines, fonts, ... ack!

It's tough, too, to get a mock-up from the publisher and then see mistakes that weren't caught. Maybe it's seeing it in more "book-like-form" that does it; just a second ago, I re-read one section and realized that my "math" was off by a factor of 10! (I said in the book divided your age by 10 and multiply by your income, and then used the example of someone who is 40 and making $50,000. My sentence blithely says: "so that's 4/10 x $50,000 or $20,000." Um, no. It's 40/10...and $200,000. Aw, only 10x more...(laugh). Also have been seeing a lot of sentences that, for example, start with "you" (as if I'm addressing the reader) and end with "she" (as if I'm addressing a third party). My publisher can't be happy that I keep sending little "oh, just one more thing" love notes to her!

Thursday, a friend of my mother's (my mother is the head of a Public Relations company), who used to book folks on Oprah, is giving a seminar I'm going to attend via telephone. I'm going to get on Oprah, yet! I'm ready to take lots and lots of notes! LAUGH!!!

It's Done!!!

2007-07-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

Well, amazing but true -- I haven't posted for nearly a year! Why? Lots of reasons...but most importantly, I have been working on my book. And it went to the publisher today!

I am SO EXCITED!

In 5 minutes, I also have an interview with a reporter for Money Magazine -- the Universe literally delivered this opportunity "unto" me. I'm excited, and... OK, kinda scared. I just have to tell myself those are butterflies in my stomach -- not condors!

Solitaire

Happy New Year!

2007-01-03T04:55:00.000-08:00

What're your "Resolutions" for the new year?

Whatever they are -- write them down. And tie them to reality!

Instead of "lose 20 pounds" -- how about "eat 5 vegetables and a fruit a day, plus walk 30 minutes per day"........?

It's a lot easier to make sweeping generalizations (that you then blow, and don't even think about it) than specific promises that you can meet each and every day.

The thing that's amazing is that the specifics, when they add up 12 months from now (because you've stuck to them), will surpass the generalizations!

Try to keep things to the Positive, instead of the Negative. For example, ADDING some veggies, instead of TAKING AWAY dessert. Try to keep things Possible, not Probable. For example, ADDING 30 minutes of walking a day, instead of adding an hour of cardio at the gym and weightlifting and.....

I was reading the book "You: The Owners Manual" by Dr. Oz (Oprah's doc). His deal with the 30 minutes of walking is that it doesn't matter WHAT else you have going on, what the weather is, etc. -- you HAVE to do it (even if you're walking around the dining room table for 30 minutes!) Every day. If you park your car in the far part of the parking lot at work, or you get off one bus stop early (carry your tennies, don't walk in your biz shoes!!), that could be 15 minutes each way (voila -- 30 minutes!)

I've managed (oy!) to gain 20 lbs since my wedding -- because I stopped working out, and I started eating whatever I darned well pleased.....but we're going to Miami in February, so once again, I Got Goal! :-)))

I've been walking 30 minutes a day.....and as of a few days ago, I started paying attention to eating again.

I have also BLOCKED IN time for myself to get to the gym. When I was "counting down" to the wedding, there was no question I would get there. Now -- I always seem to have "one more thing to do" at work, etc. Butyasee, now that I have the trip as a backstop, I have blocked in time to get to the gym, started buying salads to take to work (instead of eating food that I can't be sure WHAT is in there), etc.

Miami is end of February. Not a chance I can lose the 20 -- silly me, but what the hey, I'm a big fat happy married woman! :-) I can be closer though -- and in a healthy way.

How about you?

"Casino Royale" is great!

2006-11-17T12:28:00.000-08:00

I wasn't a huge Daniel Craig fan before last night...........now I am!

We were comp'd by Sony/MGM to the Premiere in Vegas last night. (The movie is in "regular release" starting today.) It was pretty outrageous! Bond girls in cages, pole dancers, women flying through the air and pouring vodka into "martini shaped" ice sculptures....(isn't that what EVERY evening is like? (laugh)). I did bid on one item in the silent auction -- a framed set of photos and autographs of all the Bonds (including Craig) -- but my $2400 bid was just a drop in the bucket. At the "live" auction, the Aston Martin from the movie was dropped by a platform from the ceiling -- A.M. auctioned off the "first production car off the line" to the winner (the car will be out in production in 2007). It went for -- get this -- $675,000. A yacht trip for 10 went for something like $500,000 -- a USED Hummer went for $175,000. (OK, it was totally tricked out, but still...........)

I think the best part was watching the movie on big couches set up in the "screening room" (for 500), with black truffle oil drizzled popcorn and champagne. You gotta love that.

We had our photos taken for Las Vegas Magazine -- we were comp'd by my favorite designer, Colleen Quen (www.bondgirldress.com or www.mycocktaildress.com) to wear two of her dresses. Domino wore the "Saketini" dress (if you go and look at the website, it's under cocktail dresses) and I wore the "Manhattan" dress (it's under the travel collection).

There are some GREAT LINES in this movie -- but I won't spoil it. I'm going back to see it tonight, with the "public."

I'm not for "Movie Reviews" -- that's not what this website is about. Besides -- I think you should form your own opinions. Interestingly, Vesper is a "different" Bond girl -- but her persona basically matches the book.

The men will definitely have to watch the screen with their hands over their eyes when they see the torture Bond is put through. Though of course the girls in the audience can just say "DANG that guy has an amazing body!"

True to Vegas, the whole thing started at 5:30 p.m. (we got onto the "red carpet" around 6:15 or so), and didn't end until 2:00 a.m. We didn't get up until noon -- and here I am posting at 12:30 -- closest I could get :-)

:-)

Solitaire

Lance Armstrong..."Domestique."

2006-10-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

The other day I went to a lecture about Teamwork. The speaker talked a lot about Lance Armstrong -- the best long distance bicycle rider in the world, etc. etc. But the point was that for Lance to do that, he has a whole team supporting him.

These folks are referred to in the bicycle world as "Domestiques." (As in, "Maid.") If the main rider needs a drink, they get it for him. Powerbar -- they get it. He crashes his bike -- they give up theirs.

The "main" rider can NOT DO IT without the Domestiques. No way.

Now, the thing is, the speaker was talking about Lance Armstrong's latest ride, here in California. In this race, he wasn't the winner -- someone else on the team was. Because Lance rode....as a domestique.

Isn't this the perfect Bond Girl analogy? That's the deal. Bond is the "main rider." And the Bond Girl is there, to do what it takes to help him succeed -- she's not "#1," she is "#1 at being #2" or, in other words, the "domestique."

I hate it when women seem to see this as my saying "OH, you are saying that women need to be subservient to men" (blah blah). Well, James happens to be a man. And the Bond girls all happen to be women. But -- HELLO. The Armstrong/Domestique analogy is the same thing.

When a Bond Girl is doing what she "does" (whether it's being a nuclear physicist or a deep sea fisher), she is #1, and in fact, in the movies, Bond basically for that short period of time is her 'Domestique.' He hands her the plyers, so to say. But when she's not doing what her #1 thing is -- she is doing what it takes for HIM to succeed -- because then, as part of that team-for-a-time, SHE succeeds.

Yeah yeah, the Bond/Bond girl "teams" don't last for long. But that's the movies. They last as long as they are productive and the "team" is moving forward. (Just like the bicycle teams -- it might just be for that race, but that's what it's for and everyone works for that goal -- get the main rider over the finish line and everyone else on the team there too hopefully in one piece.)

Who gets the glory? The main rider. Who gets him there? The domestiques. Will the main rider BE a domestique at some point? You betcha. Or he can be a prima donna and not ever "assist" -- and then get a bad name like so SO many basketball players these days.

Bond Girl -- and sports analogies? Hey, why not?

Here's another analogy. When I was in the Marines, there was a big physical wash-out rate for lawyers (me, too -- blew my knees out). Why? Because the Marines, unlike any other service, believes that everyone who is a Marine is basically a "grunt"/rifleman "first." Yeah, so you're a big bad *ss lawyer -- you went thru Boot like everyone else. You can field strip an M-16. You slogged through the swamp, running in file carrying a telephone pole with your belt with the other girls in your team. (Um, yes, that is all true.) Anyway -- the deal here is that the other services send lawyers and doctors through what is called 'Knife and Fork School' -- meaning you learn what all the different ranks are, and are pretty much soft-soaped through any of the combat stuff.

But to me, this is another analogy for a Bond Girl. Now, I know, don't call any Marine a "Girl," but let's put it this way. Let's say I hadn't gotten hurt, so I was a JAG for the USMC. Guy comes in, needs me to defend him. He knows that I didn't just go to "Knife and Fork School." I had to go through the ringer too. So, he basically can take what I would call the "Bond Girl" position (or the "Domestique" if you prefer) for that case -- he knows that I have done something that he respects, so he can take the "back seat" and let me do my Stuff for him.

This is probably not as good of an analogy as the Domestique thing....but it came to me as I was writing.

Guess Who.

Postscript on Laughter

2006-10-19T14:57:00.000-07:00

When we were on our honeymoon, my James and I stayed at some WONDERFUL B&Bs, Inns, etc. (To the extent I am starting a job in the city on Monday...sigh...because my Bond Grrl trainin' and lawyerin' and such is NOT going to cover that wedding and honeymoon money blues :-) )

Anyway, at one of the B&Bs, we came down, and as you do, we were eating and chatting politely with the folks that were at the Breakfast Table. Well, one of the gals looked at me, and then LOOKED at me. (It felt a little weird.) We were talking about where we had been, what we all had been doing before meeting at that Breakfast Table here at the Sloan Mansion B&B.

When we said we had been down in the Maritimes area of Canada, she looked at her husband and said "I knew it -- were you in Peggy's Cove two days ago?" We smiled and said Yes. Well, I'm tall, so maybe noticeable that way -- but it had been a cold and blustery day, so I probably looked just like everyone else muffled up in jeans, parka hoodie, etc. So I couldn't figure out how she "knew me."

She went on, saying that she and her husband were walking along the main road in Peggy's Cove, and then "she saw another couple standing and taking pictures and having a good time," and the woman's laugh was so "infectious, catching, and attractive" that she actually stopped just to listen to it, and it "made her feel happier the entire day."

Guess who the woman was?

Me.

She said she knew the woman was pretty tall, but that when we sat down and she heard my voice and where we had been -- and then I laughed at one of the other couples' stories -- that "I was that woman."

How about that? I told you that how you talk, walk and laugh is not only important, but can affect those around you. She said she was "happy the rest of the day" just from hearing me laugh.

Get out there, make the world a happier place! Smile with your eyes. Listen. And laugh -- an attractive laugh!

Soli

étiquette....

2006-10-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

Do you know what 'etiquette' means?

My James and I were comin' back from our honeymoon (yeah, that's me, Mrs. Bond :-)) and a gal in front of us had one of those head/neck pillows around her head, and the tag was sticking up. Since we were in Canada, the labels have to be in French and in English.

I never really thought about what that work, "etiquette," means. Well, I was bored (and she was right in front of me), and so I was reading the label, first the English, then the French.

WELL, you know that part that says "Don't Remove This Label?" In French, "label" is...."étiquette."

I think that is beyond perfect.

Your "etiquette" labels you to others. The French word is a derivative of the "estiquer," which means to attach, or "stick." Your "etiquette" -- your behaviors, proprieties of conduct, and how you deal with others, "sticks" to you....it "labels" you.

I remember one of my Bond Grrl students once asked me one of those "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound" questions. She talked about if no one is around that 'knows you' (or you are at home, etc.), does it "matter" if you put on a professional appearance, are courteous, are that Bond Grrl You.

Well, seeing that head pillow and where the word "etiquette" comes from made me smile -- because that is the answer to this question.

Are you "labeled" because of "etiquette"? Look -- I know, you didn't make the rules. Maybe it IS easier to push the peas on your fork with your finger -- or to wipe your hand on your pants. But your "etiquette" is labelling you -- not just to others, but also to yourself. Like that tag on that pillow, you can't just remove it when you want to -- you're going to slip.

So remember, though "etiquette" sounds like a pretty word and makes people roll their eyes and say they are "someone else's" rules, in reality, they are your Label. And you want to be wearing a Label that says Gucci, Manolo, Neiman's....not McDonald's, Ross, and Marshall's.

Right?

Let it go...

2006-09-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

One thing that is important is not only keeping your time fairly free (not booking every second), but also keeping your mind/options open.

What do I mean by this?

Don't get too attached to any outcome -- because it will put you on a path where you can't see any other paths (that might wind up being nicer or better for you).

Here on our honeymoon, we had pretty much "set out" what we wanted to do for each bit of our trip. We have one "set" portion (we are going on a riverboat cruise down the St Lawrence River.) The rest of the trip we had "planned out" (including a SUPER deluxe train trip/sleeper/etc. around the outside of Nova Scotia to Quebec), etc., and we were pretty excited and "set" on what we were going to do.

Until, oh, this morning.

My James (who does the driving) said that he thought that it was going to be just a bit too hectic to do what we had wanted to do on one part of the trip -- hit an area called the "Charlevoix." We would need to get off the "fancy train" early (at about 5:00 in Quebec City, instead of 8:30 n Montreal), then we were going to do about a 300 mile "loop" through the "Flavor Trail" on Charlevoix. Being big lovers of good food and drink, this sounded fantastic.

But here we are in Nova Scotia, and though the food isn't the best -- WOW, is it ever beautiful. We're staying at a B&B that we didn't even see online -- we made a wrong turn, and kept going, winding up at the Bayview Pines Country Inn. Our hosts are lovely, and the views are just stunning. We look out over a peninsula and some islands in Mahone Bay; the inn itself is on a wonderful bucolic farmland. Our room is in the "barn" -- for about $100, we get a gourmet breakfast, plus a 2-room "suite" with a jacuzzi bath, and its own wrap-around porch facing the bay (completely with Aiderondack chairs).

So my James said this morning -- why don't we just stay here for a little while longer? Mind you, the only part of the trip I actually researched was the Charlevoix. My "Job" was to plan the wedding -- and so he gave me just that "snippet" to research and find inns to stay at, things to do, etc. Most important thing I did this morning? I didn't open my mouth, and thought about it for about 30 seconds.

Because the first thing I wanted to say was "This is the only part of the trip I actually know anything about....I spent a lot of time and effort....blah blah blah blah blah." I thought about it, and I realized that he was actually right.

We would cut about 300 miles of driving out -- and spend time in this lovely place instead. We can have the train trip without having to worry about immediately getting on the road again -- and we can have an extra day down in the Quebec City area -- which looks lovely, too.

So, instead of complaining or talking about all my "wasted effort," I said "that sounds like a good idea, tell me about what we'd do instead."

You know what? My James was so relieved. I have been living this "Bond girl lifestyle" for about a year or so full-on -- I was much more a "regular girl" before that. I would have b*tched and moaned, I would have sort of pressed to do what we were "supposed" to do, I might have had a little foot-stamping. (Just a little.)

Instead, I said -- "Good idea."

So guess what? Here I am, getting to catch up a bit on book stuff, and my James is in the other room on the other computer, re-booking our entire trip. He's finding stuff that he thinks I will really like -- he keeps coming in and saying "So, queen bed with a view of the ocean, or suite with a view of the gardens," stuff like that. The other thing that's happening is that he's booking us in nicer accommodations -- we even are staying at a spa one night. I am not sure, but he might feel a little "guilty" about "changing our plans" -- but I didn't say a word, you see.

He knows what it would be like to spend a lot of time and effort on something, and then having new plans "sprung" on him. I mean -- come on. We all do. So by NOT complaining, he is going out of his way to make the bit of the trip that will now be "new" (and not the bit I planned) really really nice.

How great is that?

So when things change -- don't hold onto your old rut, don't talk about all the "wasted time" you spent -- come on Grrl, don't make the other person "feel bad," that's all your trying to do, right? Make them "pay" for your "wasted time." Breathe, think, and then go with the flow.

You never know. You might have your motels in the Charlevoix turn into a spa outside Quebec City! :-)

xxxoooo Solitaire

Know What Your James Relies on You For

2006-09-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

In the Bond movies, the Bond girl generally has an expertise, for which Bond relies on her. It could be flying a plane, or diffusing a bomb, or driving a car -- but when she's called on, she does it. It's complete trust on Bond's part.

What does your James rely on you for? My James relies on me to pour him a glass of wine when he gets home. Does this make me a "doormat"? Are some of you saying "Hey, HE should pour YOU a glass of wine when YOU get home." Whyzat?

I can do something fairly simple like this and know that he's completely relying on me for this area of our lives together. He also completely relies on me for doing the laundry, and by and large getting the groceries. I don't mind doing these things -- and he hates doing them. So here, he knows he can rely on me.

Don't cut down these sorts of things, or demean them. Why are these more "demeaning" than, oh, paying the mortgage, which I rely upon him for? I hear women constantly stating that they are "so sick of doing the laundry all the time" and that their James should "pitch in," etc. Why? I'm sure he's doing something that you would rather not do -- and is it really so bad that you do these things for him?

Maybe your James doesn't "appreciate" what you do -- how do you know? And are you doing it for the "appreciation" (outward motivation), or for the inner satisfaction for knowing that things are getting done right? You need to look at your own motivation sometimes.

So what does your James rely on you for? Even if he doesn't cry "thank you" every time you do whatever it is that you do -- that's just not the Bond way. He relies on you -- he trusts you. He appreciates it but you should be getting inner satisfaction from it. (Satisfaction, from doing the laundry? Yeah, I get it -- because I know that it's done right, and I do know that my James is relieved that he doesn't have to do that chore any more.)

When a Bond girl drives the car while Bond is shooting the bad guys, or diffuses the bomb that Bond brought her along for, or the like, he doesn't stop to say "Thank you." It's implied.

I think a lot of women want thanks every day for what they "do," but then they aren't giving the big thank-you to their James' either. Is that where you are coming from? Want the big kudos for doing the laundry, or picking up the kids, or getting dinner on the table, but don't mention the things that your James does, like taking out the garbage, or keeping whiskers out of the sink, or bringing home the 'bacon,' or taking you to the movies?

Another thing that comes to me here is the phrase "Don't Complain -- Act." What does that mean? Complaining and gossiping is for folks that just don't have enough to do. If you're gossiping, you're trying to bring someone else "down" (and therefore your own self "up") through your gossip. If you're complaining, you're not acting to change what you're complaining about.

Get a grip.

Stop complaining -- and start changing. If you're in the wrong relationship (and take a good look -- maybe your James is so "awful" because you haven't been appreciating him, have you thought about that?), or in a wrong job, or the like -- then just start thinking about change. Every change starts as a thought. Then in little ways, start turning your thoughts into action. Don't make a big jump without a parachute -- but stop complaining, because that just keeps your "stuck energy" where it is.

Using the parachute analogy, complaining is like this -- you're in a plane. The engines start to sputter a little. What do you do next? Complain? Start considering your options? Do you know how to use a parachute already, in case? Sometimes it seems to me that people get to the point where the plane is literally going down in flames, and then they just jump (maybe without even strapping on the parachute). How does this analogy work in your life? Are you conscious of what's going on for you? What's sputtering? What's starting to smoke? Don't let it all burst into flames before it gets your attention. If you are a Bond Girl, you are paying attention to your life, in every dimension. If you're "suddenly" in a huge amount of credit card debt, or in an awful relationship, or in a dead-end job....how did that happen. 'fess up. You were unconscious, weren't you? Bond girls stay present. So take a look around your life, and see what's what. Maybe even write it down, and what steps you're going to take to get the stuff in flames out of your life -- the engines that are sputtering tuned back up, and get more of what's going well.

You know what? If things are going well -- they take less of your time. You know that, right? You will have so much more time if you take care of the stuff that's gone off course. And again, DO IT. Complaining and gossiping takes time -- right? For the hour that you were on the phone with your grrlfriend "complaining" about your life, perhaps you could have spent that hour doing something that would actually be productive.

I dare you. Take a day, and be present all day. Be present to what you say and what you do. How much of a downer are you, really? How much time are you taking complaining, in your head or to other people? Amazing, isn't it? I bet you'll find that you are "spinning your wheels" a lot more than you thought. I once told a friend that she "had the clutch in" on her life -- she was always putting a lot of energy (gas) into what she was doing, but she never seemed to move forward! Vroom! Vroom! Going nowhere? It's better to be present and "have the clutch in" and put a little less energy -- but concentrated energy -- into it, than a ton of energy with the "clutch in," you know?

Well, I'm on my honeymoon -- and I'm rambling. OK, in truth, I'm trying to get some thoughts written down, so that they can make it into the book and HOPEFULLY still make the 11/17 "Bond movie release" deadline!

On to the next subject....

Travel!

2006-09-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

Well, my James and I are on our honeymoon (tis true!) and I certainly had the 'test' of my Bond Grrl-ness and preparation at the start!

We left Saturday. For the entire week, my James has been telling me that our plane left "around 1:30." (Silly me, I didn't check.) So this means catching a taxi, then Airporter, to get to the airport by about noon or so. Backing it all up, that means leaving the house around 10-ish. No worries.

Saturday morning, we got up "early" (a little before 7:00) to have a "leisurely breakfast" and then pack. My James did a "leisurely check" on our reservations . . . and discovered that the plane left at 11:00.

YIKES!

So, there we were -- and suddenly (before a cup of coffee, even!) we had to get ourselves in gear immediately, to catch the Airporter by 7:30 -- not 10. (We didn't even have time to catch a taxi!). My James says, laughing, "Well, I guess this is going to test your 'quick trip to Paris' thoughts for the book, hmmmm?"

I immediately decided to go with my "black-based clothing" (remember -- black, navy, or brown). First, I threw into the bottom of the suitcase black loafers (to walk in), black sandals (strappy, can be dressed up or down, and flat so also easy to walk in), and some black pumps. Next went in 3 small zippered bags. One has my cosmetics,. the next has my "non-cosmetics" (deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, feminine products, sunscreen, toothpaste, toothbrush, face wash, etc.), the last has earrings and necklaces that go with my 'black-based" clothing, and my medicines. (I recently separated out my jewelry into black-navy-brown as well -- just about 2 weeks ago. This was the first test of "grab and stuff in a bag" -- worked perfectly.) The first two went into my checked luggage, the last into my carry-on.

Because I keep these bags ready, I didn't need to wonder whether or not I had conditioner, or contact lens fluid. It's all there. As I mentioned before, I have thrown away all the "testers" and the like I have gathered up over the years -- there is just no reason to have all that stuff lying around. So everything I really use is in those bags. It even has 3 different lipsticks (red, pink and apricot) -- so I don't need to search around for the "right" one to take. Boy, glad that I am a Bond girl!

Next I laid out what I would wear for the plane -- jeans, a T-shirt, a sweater, and my fitted windbreaker, plus sneakers. These are "bulky" items, and so wearing them on the plane is the way to go. It leaves more room in your suitcase.

In the suitcase, on top of the shoes and the "personals bag," went undies and such. About a week before I go on a trip, I always pour a glass of wine, and in a leisurely manner go through and "tidy" my closet and drawers. So all my undies, shirts, etc. are "back" into order (we know how that gets out of hand!) and gone through for spots, stains, wear, etc. So I just opened up my drawer and was able to "scoop up" a couple bras (one with "see-through straps" and one without), undies, socks, etc. and then into my drawers to grab some T-shirts and a pair of (nice) sweats, up onto the hangers for a few skirts/"little black dress" -- in they all went plopping into the suitcase. Don't forget -- you can do laundry on your trip! No need to bring enough undies to last you the entire time -- why drag all that around with you!

I have also eliminated from my wardrobe anything that needs serious ironing -- why deal with that noise? -- and I knew that everything "plopping into" the suitcase would ultimately be okay.

Next, I grabbed my (one) black purse, and my wallet (in which I only carry the cards and ID that are necessary to 'go to Paris' as it were -- or is that 'go to Nova Scotia'?). My passport already "lives" in my suitcase, so no need to search for it. A bathing suit and flip-flops also "live" in there. Also, every time that my James made any hotel/train/car/plane reservations for the trip, he printed out the itinerary and put that in the bag, too. So we actually knew that we had all our reservations, passports, and the like -- because we follow this procedure.

We didn't even have time to print out a "list" because we were running so behind. I have "lists" on my computer for all the "base" things that should go on a trip -- things that you might forget (like the cord connection for the iPod to the speakers -- the speakers live in the suitcase of course -- or our sunglasses from the car). We did OK without it in the "pinch." It also lists the base clothing/cosmetics/meds/etc. that should come -- but as those all are in their bags and/or in their black/brown/navy categories, we had no problem there.

The packing took a bit less than 10 minutes. And remember, this is from "closet to suitcase."

(Are you ready for Nova Scotia...?)

Next, we realized that it would be completely impossible to get a taxi to drive us to the Airporter in time. Our neighbors, who are usually a wonderful resource for our cries of "HELP!", had actually left early that morning for Hawaii. We called my Mom -- out with the dog. So in wracking our brains, I thought of my friend Julia -- who I don't see often enough (she's wonderful). She actually lives up the street from my James' house (where I now live) -- and I saw her more often when I lived out in the country! Funny, but true. So we go into "split" action -- I call Julia (all my phone numbers are at the tip of my fingers in my Blackberry), while my James makes coffee.

Julia was asleep (her James hadn't gotten home until 2 a.m. -- I owe them a nice dinner!) -- and my "What are you doing right now?" was answered with a sleepy "well, sleeping..." . I said "Any chance you could be down at our house and take us to the Airporter in, oh, 5 minutes?" She laughed, and said "give me 10."

There she was, 10 minutes later, at our driveway. Looking lovely as usual -- Julia is a Bond Grrl too, able to come and rescue her sister Bond Grrl in a time of need!

We actually raced the Airporter bus, and caught it about 2 stops after the stop we usually use. I looked at trepidation to my James -- because the one thing that I did not have was enough cash for the ride. (Going to the ATM had been a "thing to do" that morning.) However, in accordance with Kyrazi's "James Bond Lifestyle" book, my James keeps an extra $50 hidden "at all times" in his wallet. This is "don't touch it" money...unless, of course, you're boarding an Airporter for Nova Scotia a couple hours earlier than you'd anticipated. It was all good.

On the ride, we laughed and tried to figure out what we'd forgotten (again, because we hadn't had time to print out and check the list). We realized that the one thing that "got left" was the battery to our camera and the charger, and his black belt. We had charged the battery the night before -- and then just not picked up either the charger or battery from the table in the dining room (because no "dining" had happened that morning!) I emailed my Mom from my Blackberry, and asked her if she could pick it up, and Fed Ex it to our next stop. Since we had the reservations printed out, of course, we had all the information. Piece of cake.

As we boarded the plane, my James said to me, "I am so glad you're a Bond girl." This made me laugh -- but I knew what he was talking about. How many of you could do what we did -- get out the door in about 20 minutes, packed for a 3 week trip? Are you ready for Nova Scotia?

xx Solitaire

Thoughts Based on a Re-Read of Kyriazi's Book

2006-09-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite life coaching books is actually Kyriazi's "How To Live The James Bond Lifestyle." I actually found it after I started writing my book -- and have had wonderful correspondence with him since. This book is a great read, and the "book on tape" version is wonderful as well (just an abbreviated version of the book itself).

I was emailing with a friend (can you tell I'm clearing out my email?), and she came up with some questions and comments based on Kyriazi's book. So I thought I would go into some detail in those answers here -- so that they're not waiting in my other email, to be turned into a book chapter "some day." (I'm also leaving on my honeymoon in a few days -- and trying to push all the chapters I still need to write into this one week. Good LUCK, yeah, I know!)

SPENDING:

My biggest bugbear is buying on credit if you're not going to pay it off -- and being in debt. This can just be a prison, as all the Debt Diet/etc. books try to explain to everyone. It seems as if folks try to “look a part” that they can’t afford, to perhaps make themselves feel better. That’s no good – one needs to be ‘fEmpowered’ from the inside, out.

I think too that if you do things like eat one amazing Godiva chocolate instead of 10 Hershey's bars, you will get a bigger "bang for the buck" and feel more "prosperous." I had champagne by myself the other day in a "celebratory" luncheon, and it was the SAME price as the wine, but I felt ‘special’ all day because of it. Another thing that I did at that lunch in fact was leave the waiter an outrageous tip (it was a $20 tab and I left $10), rather than going out and buying myself....what? Not even something good....what can you REALLY buy for $10? But, I KNEW that I had left an "aura" with that waiter and I felt totally cool about that too. I just sat there, was catered to, read Brides' magazine ate salad, and had a glass of champagne. It really was good.

Just spending time (not money!) in high-class locations can be a way to upgrade your life. You can order bubbly water and just relax and watch people, and hang -- or if you are so inclined, a glass of champagne, and sip. Ordering champagne actually makes everyone look at you with a "what is ~she~ celebrating" look. Then you get the little cat-ate-the-canary look and honestly, all sorts of folks around you will start smiling every time they looked at you – as just happened to me at lunch – the other “lunch-ers, the waiter, etc.! (Then again, I was reading a Brides' mag so they might have put 2 and 2 together (though I was celebrating the interview going well, but so be it).)

TRAVEL:One of the best chapters in Kyriazi’s book has to do with how to handle swanky hotels, tipping, and such. A Bond girl needs to pack light, know how to use a valet, and the like – and an etiquette class (they offer them at The Learning Annex!) will go far towards helping you to feel confident in more upscale situations.

PURSES/WALLETS:
Kyriazi talks about not only having a money clip with cash separate from a wallet, but also about having a specific attitude toward spending and actually handling money. In my view, it’s important to “plan to shop” rather than doing so impulsively, especially in an “emotional” moment. As a corollary to Kyriazi’s “money clip and wallet,” though, I also stress that women should not have purses packed like they are going to Anapurna for a month. Part of becoming ‘fEmpowered’ is paring down all the "contingencies" in a purse so that you don't look like someone off Let's Make A Deal (of course, that dates me ). The "brick purse" thing is awful, ruins the line of clothing (if a shoulder bag), and makes you look less "cool" In fact, I had an interview the other day . . . I had taken my car key off and put it in my pocket, a credit card, my driver’s license, and $20. The rest I locked in my car. The gal was "AMAZED" that I was there that way -- and I know it made a huge impression. Oh, and I had a pen, and of course my Blackberry. She even mentioned it to my next interviewer – pointing out how “sleek and prepared” I was, and how I ‘didn’t even carry a purse.’ I thought that was very interesting!

In fact, a slimmed down purse could be the Bond Girl’s “symbol of power” – like Kyriazi suggests a new watch or an attaché case.

SAVINGS:
After getting out of debt (not before, the “math” doesn’t work otherwise), it’s important for a Bond girl to have a special fund for positive contingencies. Like going to Paris J This is the “pay yourself first” concept – the first thing should be paying down debt, second paying all money that you can towards retirement (it’s coming sooner than you think), and then of the rest of the money, taking 10% and socking it away towards something positive. I also personally save 10% to give to charity – that’s personal, but I also think that having a wider world view is a wonderful thing.

FOOD AND EXERCISE:
Don’t be a fanatic – but be able to hold your own. You want to feed your body for the wonderful and EXPENDIBLE thing it is . . . if you feed it crap, it’s going to be like trying to make a car go on watered down gas.

I had a friend visiting the other day, who was from the city, and doesn’t really do much walking. She walked my dog to the end of the road and back – and had to rest for like 2 hours. The one thing I can say about Food and Exercise is – you know you ‘should do it.’ So, do it. Don’t eat junk food, don’t tell me you’re “too busy” to eat right. The book I currently really like is “French Women Don’t Get Fat” – she talks about how French women really enjoy their food – really TASTE it, and walk everywhere. Being a Bond girl is preparedness, health, enjoyment, energy, zest. Being able to do what's asked for. As a start, that means things like parking farther away from your destination and walking part way . . . just "be active."

CYCLES:
Though in going through your closet the first time you do know what to get rid of (and you should), often there will be some “old faithfuls” in there that you think that you will wear. Therefore, if you want to be a bit easier on yourself, separate your clothes into “seasons” – and make yourself a promise that if, at the end of a “season,” you haven’t worn a certain outfit, you need to pass it along. When the season changes, you should also check each outfit for tears, stains, and the like – and you do need to be merciless. Remember – you can’t fill a full cup. Meaning – there is only so much room in your life for clothes (no matter what your girlfriend with 200 shoes might think). So clear some out that are just “dead energy” to you – and make room for something wonderful that will be more like the new Bond girl “you.”

BE INTERESTING: LISTEN
Some of the most 'desirable' women that I know are desirable because they know how to listen. They aren't "knock out" gorgeous, but by really listening, they have something that can be better (and last, if something “happens” to their looks . . . oh, like age!). Being “listened to” is an enormous turn-on -- and is something to cultivate as a Bond girl.

BEING ON TIME
This is not something I'm normally good at, but Bond Grrls certainly show up on time to help save the day, provide the crucial information, or whatever. It's one of the reasons for not overscheduling. If you keep space between your appointments, you're not only less frazzled, but less likely to be late. Plan for getting lost, or stuck in traffic. Time how long it actually takes to get out of the house. (I'm terrible with that "one last thing" bit, myself.) You should be the master of your schedule (and things like your email box), not vice versa. What this means is find out what is your biggest time-waster – and then corral it. If it’s email – then tell yourself that you will read email from 2-3 each day, and that’s it. If people ~think~ that you will answer right away, they will come to expect it – then your life gets run on ‘their’ time. Of course, certain things in your schedule can’t be changed – a boss’s meeting, or maybe picking your kids up at school – but those things usually aren’t the ones that are the problem. It’s getting on the phone, or watching TV, or doing email. Corral some of these things, to “make room” for your life.

Speaking of being on time (and overscheduling), one good reason not to overcommit is the difficulty of keeping all those commitments! You should be able to keep commitments, and also factor in the time to write a hand-written thank you for the nice things people do for you each day. As a matter of discipline, I try to write five handwritten notes a day. People are so shocked, they will keep these notes at their desks – and remember your kindness. Though you might dash off a “thanks!” email, it’s just going to go into their “Recycle Bin” on their computer, after a quick smile. Be memorable.

Miscellaneous Ramblings With A Friend about fEmpowerment...

2006-09-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

I was recently having a “back and forth” with a friend on email with respect to what it means to be fEmpowered – and I thought a few snippets of that email “trail” might be a little instructive.

She is very “Bond” herself – and says that she “tends to know more women like this because of the things I'm involved in, but am well aware that not all women are cut out that way.”

She says this as almost a put-down, and really didn’t understand the whole “feminine + empowered” idea – and Bond girls, by a long shot. My answer to her was:

. . . The idea of a Bond girl is that she's not the one who does the big adventures that Bond does . . . BUT . . . she is not an "eek girl" when it comes to doing stuff either. She can 'do it' but 'it' is stuff that one "should know how to do" -- swim. Walk over a canyon. Swing from a tree to another tree. Drive a stickshift. Stuff like that. The "technical" stuff (scuba, making a bomb, whatever) is generally not 'Bond girl' material – that’s generally what Bond does. A Bond girl should be prepared to do what she "might have to do" (because Bond gets her thrown off a ship and she has to swim to shore, for example). The best way I can describe it is this: Think of the "lowest common denominator" of an activity (whether swimming to SCUBA diving, or stick shift driving, or shooting a gun versus being a sharpshooter, or whatever) and a Bond girl needs to at least have some clue in all these things. She can't say "eek, I can't swim" or "eek, I'm afraid of heights" -- she isn't the one navigating the boat, or tying the knots, or (you get the picture), but she has to "go with it" when it happens. If you were going to use SCUBA as an example, she understands "this is what happens when one SCUBA dives," so if handed a regulator and told "the boat is blowing up in 5 minutes" she has a clue -- but she's not planning a dive to 80 feet to plant dynamite on the underside of a bad guy’s boat, etc.

Or, let’s take riding a motorcycle. A Bond girl needs the weekend "CC Rider" course -- where she can turn it on, change gears, get around some cones, and skid to a stop. She's not going to get her license -- but if she has to hop on a bike and Bond says YOU DRIVE I'm SHOOTING -- she can do it . . .

My friend then analogized to women that she knew who were “all very tough cookies (but at the same time very loving), totally in-shape, very focused, they are attractive but not the high-heel wearing kinds . . . they have followed their passion to live & be with what they love.”

My answer:

The deal with a "Bond girl" is very much like this. That's the "specific" part of being a Bond girl though -- every Bond girl is a "specialist" in something. Bond seeks her out (or she is "in the movie") for that reason. Take Dr Christmas Jones. She's a nuclear physicist, and has to disarm a nuclear bomb (Bond doesn't know how to do it). But on the WAY there, he has to do all sorts of fighting, leaving her back and saying "open the door when I blink the light" stuff like that. She doesn't "fight him" on that -- she is "#1 at being #2" -- she takes that role and does exactly what she's told. (I know MANY WOMEN of the Lara Croft archetype who would say "F*ck you, I'm going to go fight the bad guys, YOU hold the door when ~I~ get back"). But when it comes to the area of her expertise -- blam, she's on, and she's #1. On the way, she's made to climb out of an elevator up a HUGE and "scary" thin ladder, deal with being handed a gun "just in case" then of course Bond gets in trouble and she (with his "this is the safety, this is the trigger, this off first, point, this second") kills the bad guy. The idea is that the Bond girl always has something that's her "thing." In another one (Never Say Never Again)), she's a deep sea fisher"person", and she rescues Bond because she's out fighting marlins and he basically comes up on her line. You get the picture.

Her Answer:

My husband & I were talking more about the Bond topic, and I came up with a couple of women friends that would be prime candidates for B-girls, which helps me to visualize this better. Also, he says I'm looking at it all too literally, and to start from the perspective of your audience/client, vs from the perspective of the woman-chemist-Nobel prize winner. In other words, the Nobel prize winner is not your client...your client is a woman who wants to improve herself in the direction of having more self esteem, being a more interesting (multi-faceted) person for herself and her partner, etc. That makes a lot of sense, once I get out of trying to 'literally' figure it out, which is what you've been telling me the whole time, but I haven't been able to 'get'.

My answer:

He is definitely right BUT..........it also IS for the "Nobel Prize winner" in THIS respect -- maybe this makes it easier. That drive/drive/drive is very "yang." It is my very serious feeling that people need about 50% "yin" and 50% "yang" or 50% "leading" and 50% "caring/following" to be "whole." A Bond girl is "yang" in what she does -- her area of passion. But she also knows that this has to be balanced with "yin" -- and she is the BEST follower/caregiver/etc. that there can be.

I know many women a la what you're talking about -- the "knock’em dead be #1 at everything gals" -- and in fact one was my first "client." She got divorced, and then does LIKE sex/men/partnership/etc. -- but all she could do was talk about herself and her accomplishments. She didn't have a CLUE how to listen, be "yin," be enthusiastic about someone "else" (e.g., "hold their energy" without doing a "me too"), etc. Even walk -- she "didn't care" -- and so there she was, galumphing along.

I think part of what you are say is that all women should be "just love me the way I am, or f*ck you" (nicer, of course). But the thing is, I don't think anyone REALLY is like that, b/c I think that as "beings" we are 1/2 yang, 1/2 yin. And I really think that women are possibly even more than 50% “yin” beings –- and then wind up, due to being in a “Man’s world” or the undervaluing of the support-giver role, having an over-drive of “Yang” going on. The idea, once again, is not at all that a woman has to “roll over” on something she’s #1 about. The best way that I can describe this, and definitely the best example, was the post I made a while ago from Sheila Kelley/S Factor about the friend of hers she set up on the bowling date. It’s the perfect example of what I’m talking about here.

From Sheila Kelley (head of S-Factor)'s newsletter, August 2006

2006-09-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

I love this story -- and it REALLY exemplifies the whole "Bond Girl thang." Hope you enjoy it!

+++++++++++++++

I set my friend Rebecca up on a blind date with my friend, Sam.

Cute guy. Nice guy. Not a red-hot, smokin’ babe, but a good guy. A guy you wouldn’t mind hanging onto for a little while.

A long-term relationship to Rebecca is four months, and she’s had three of them in her life. She’s thirty-two. Rebecca’s nice-looking. She’s a lawyer who went into the stock market, got out good, and is set for life. Then she decided to learn to play pool and became a world class pool shark.

To call her an overachiever is simplifying the point. She moved to LA to find the perfect man, settle down, have kids and live happily day by day. She told me that East Coast men didn’t ‘get’ her.

Like most people, she wants a great love in her life. So I set her up on this blind date with my very sweet, successful, ‘nice guy’, buddy Sam. It was a double date. We went bowling. Rebecca and Sam have one lane, Hub-man and I have the next one. I am bowling with my lover and I am there to have fun and get sexy with him. Hub-man and I are rolling balls, striking and guttering and, generally, just getting turned on by each other. I roll a strike, he rolls a strike, I knock down eight pins and then a gutter, he knocks down nine and a spare.

When we’re almost done with our game, I look across the lane at Rebecca and Sam. He’s sitting at the score table, smiling. She’s standing there, prepping to roll a ball, and I can see yet another strike written all over her face. He’s admiring her form. She’s driven to conquer. I look up at the scoreboard. She’s got 125, he’s at about 110. He checks her butt out. She rolls. It’s a strike. She raises a fist up to the ceiling like a Masai Warrior. He tries to catch her eye for a congratulatory smile but she's already set on the next set of 10 pins.

He stiffens a bit around the shoulders, looks up at the score board, and nods his head a little. I pull her away from the lane, look her in the eye and ask, “You like him?” “Yeah, he’s cute,” she says with a smile, “I really like him!” I get real somber. “Then it’s time to roll a gutter ball.” Her face is blank. “What?” “Roll a gutter ball, Rebecca.” “Are you serious?” I gaze steadily into her eyes, “Never been more.” “I don’t get it,” she says. “Why would I do that?” “Well, do you want to totally emasculate the guy or do you want to titillate him, flirt with him?” I ask. Rebecca smiles, shrugs off my request and rolls yet another strike, and wip-dee-shit wins the game by a long shot.

Therein lies everything I’ve ever observed about women and men and the all-around game of missing each other over and over again. You are on a date with a man you like. You think he’s hot. You go bowling with him. You want to ‘hook up’ so to speak. So you kick his ass because you are such a great bowler. For some reason, this means more to you then finding a true love, warm arms and a symbiotic connection.

Why the hell do women do this? I would, by the way, say the same thing to a guy friend in the same situation. I would tell him to roll a gutter ball, wake up and see that he’s alienating this woman that he wants to impress. I’m not saying lose the game but make it close, for God’s sake. Tease him with the game, flirt with him through the game, make the game about connecting with him, not winning and losing.

There are tangible, physical gifts that we give people we care about in our lives: a watch, a stuffed animal, a nice shirt. There are also gifts that we can give people that are not tangible, but usually more important and more meaningful: giving a lapdance, a compliment, a hug or, in Rebecca’s case, rolling a gutter ball. I’m not endorsing that anyone should make any less of themselves, but I did want Rebecca to see that the guy she was with wanted to make a connection to her but she was so busy playing a hard game that she wasn’t looking at the signs. She didn’t see him looking at her, checking her out. Instead, she was overwhelmed by her mission to win. Look, there are times to kick some guy’s butt bowling and there are times to use a game as flirting or foreplay. Notice the difference. Ask yourself what you want more, the victory or the flirt? Sometimes you can have both - they don’t have to be mutually exclusive - bowl a good game but at least let him see some humanity through the fortress of your athletic skills.

"Rolling a gutterball' is a metaphor for living life moment-to-moment and knowing which moments to focus on. It's a metaphor that screams life is this wonderful thing that takes place while you're focused so single-mindedly on something in the future. "Rolling a gutterball" is a statement of "Hey, you're more important in this moment than everything else." If you want to take it even further, are you here in this life to win at all costs or are you there to connect to another human being while having a great time? In that game, there are no losers.

I love men. They inspire us, confound us, irritate us, enrage us, tickle us, frustrate us, elate us, send us to the f#$%@& moon and back. I have given up believing I will ever truly understand them. That's okay. I just need to know how to love one. I worship their masculinity. I could snuggle my nose into a man’s chest and breathe in his ‘scent’ for days. I take it as part of my job in life to make my man feel powerful, virile, utterly male and adored. He makes it his journey in life to make me feel feminine, adored -- no, no, no -- more like worshiped, powerful and divine.

Two weeks after the bowling date, I see Rebecca and she asks about Sam. She wants to know if he has said anything about her? Yeah, actually, he did. He said he liked her but…(I bet it’s something many a man has said about her)…she was a little “hard.” “Yeah, she’s cute but didn’t seem interested.” “Yeah, I like her but she’s a little, boring.” Even, “Yeah, she’s hot but a little tough - not someone I would want to cuddle up with in a storm.” I soften his actual comment a little with, “Yeah, he liked you but he’s not sure you’re a match.”She smiles tightly, wants to move on from the conversation but forces herself to ask, “What was that thing you said about rolling a gutter ball?”

Doing something and NOT being good at it...

2006-08-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah yeah, I know, I haven't posted in like a month. And it's bad, because I need to post to get my book done. But I'm Bridezilla in a Big Bad Way right now...so so be it.

Anyway -- so this is my thought for the day, though. I have been interviewing for a "real job in the City" -- yeah, I know, sue me. But part of it has to do with wanting to reach for the big bucks while I can -- get in, get it done, and get out. I can do this at this job, and I can still do my Coaching on the side -- but I don't have to "also" be an attorney, masseuse, chief bottle washer, etc. to make ends meet.

That's not what this post is about, though.

It's about trying new stuff -- anything that tickles your fancy -- and then....NOT being good at it.

I have tried SO MUCH stuff, because I thought it was cool. Biplane flying. Scuba diving. Martial arts. Yachting. Golfing. Tennis. Blah-ti-blah, you get the picture. But you see, the thing is, that I was never much "good at" these things. They weren't my "big thing" -- my "big thing" is actually coaching, I just love it.

I know tons of folks who do things like Golf, and they are Obsessed with it. They have to Be Good. They get all bent out of their happiness if they aren't. And it's actually kinda funny -- they "complain" about their low handicaps, shots they missed, etc.

This came up at an interview that I had for that job. We got to talking about something -- whether it was scuba, or golf, or whatever. The guy interviewing me (a Big Wig) then went on to talk about his "high" handicap of I think it was 10. (As a point of interest, 0 means that you play a "perfect game" and handicaps go up to 40 -- which means you get to subtract 40 points from your strokes at the end....so in reality, someone could play Tiger Woods and BEAT him, because he could play a scratch or perfect game, and they could hit like 20 over par, and then they get to subtract their handicap, and if it's over 21, they beat him. I do like that part about golf.) OK so anyway -- my handicap is FORTY. So he's all on about his "high" 10 handicap, and I am laughing, saying I have a 40. But I love to get out there, that I pick up the ball when I'm playing badly, blah blah.

You know, folks actually don't BELIEVE YOU when you tell the truth, when it's like this. It's totally funny.

I remember another time when I was talking about martial arts, and I said (true!) that I wasn't all that great at it, my knees aren't all that good. Or maybe it was riflery, where I am left handed but right "eyed," and so I have to pretty much lay on over the sites to get a good shot.

I will mention the stuff I've done, but I am NEVER good at it. I always have these funny stories about how I did something-or-another that makes the person laugh, but I just play it down -- and then ask them what THEY do/like to do/etc.

See, the thing about this all is, what you do makes you interesting. Try new stuff that you think is cool -- you want to fly a helicopter? Go to a school and get them to give you a "demo" lesson for 1/4 price or something. You can SAY YOU DID IT then. But don't make it more than it is. When I tried out being a pilot, you know what? I didn't care that much for it. So I didn't keep it up.

So you try something, and then stay in your Truth, and you can chat about it, and be interesting. But if you get TOO DEEP into something (you turn out to be "crazy" about diving, or flying, or what-ev-ah), then you're going to be a Bore. Because people want to hear the interesting thing that you've done -- in like 10 seconds. So you can make a joke about it, and then move on, and do what they want you to do -- ask about Them!

In some things, I am fairly good. I have some certifications in various stuff -- but I never really talk about it...unless someone pushes me. When people ask what I do, I always say "a little of this, a little of that" and then pick whatever I feel like talking about. If that person I'm talking to is an attorney, I will NEVER tell them that I am. Then he (usually a he) will go on about how Important what they do is, and when I get tired of it, I will smile and say "Oh, yeah did I mention I've been an attorney for 15 years, and been in on some of the most important stuff that's gone on in this area, as both a law firm attorney and then general counsel? Oh I think I forgot, and told you I am a masseuse."

Yeah OK fine that's not nice, but I'm not always nice...sometimes I just like to see their jaws drop :-)

SO my note is this -- do what you feel like doin', that sounds interesting to you. You only get one chance this time around! And if you hate it -- quit. And make a story of it. If you love it, great, but be humble.

But get out there! Do it, Do it! Something outrageous! Find a "demo" each month at some scuba store, or a school of some kind, or whatever, and make them do whatever it is with you for free -- heck, if they "rope you" then you can pay, but don't pay to demo, tell them that you're really interested in whatever it is, and go try it out!

What can it hurt?

Solitaire

Something In The Way She Moves....

2006-07-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was out running errands a good bit of the day in San Francisco. I seldom get into the city and it's a shame, because it's sooooo good for people-watching!

I have spoken before about "rushing" and a Bond grrl walk. I came up with a thought yesterday that I thought I would share.

I happened to be in town in a pair of trousers that are JUST long enough. Being 6'2", sometimes this takes a bit of tailor's magic -- but usually they are "onto" my shoes -- not brushing the "top" of my shoes. These trousers though, were such a steal, I bought them anyway -- though I knew that even with the hem all the way out, they would JUST touch.

So what's up with that and why is it important? Because I had an "a-ha" moment over it.

Have you ever been wearing trousers that are like this -- "just about" long enough? If you have, then you know you have to walk a little bit slower, turning at the hip like I have explained before. If you don't, and the trousers have any sort of bell at all (you can't get away with too short trousers if they are peg-leg!), you can keep the bell from "moving" -- when it moves, that's when the trousers look too short.

So you sort of "glide" a bit more. As for me, I definitely didn't try to "dash" to cross any yellow lights, etc. -- because by striding out that fast, my perception was that the pants looked too short. I took long "enough" strides, but at a slow, sort of "foxtrot" pace, and it all looked fine.

Yeah, so, I checked in all the windows. So shoot me.

I have been working out for quite a while now -- since I'm trying to get my size 12 body into my mom's size 4 wedding dress. Had a fitting yesterday -- and the tailor thinks I need to lose "about 5 more pounds" right at my belly line -- but we could "suck it up" and zip it in back. Yowzah! She said though it has to be lost in 2 weeks or else she's going to have to figure something else out (e.g., it won't be ready by the wedding date).

I'm back on the treadmill...........it's 105 degrees here, and yes I was slackin' on cardio. Bad me!

My fav new CD for the treadmill CRACKS me up -- the Workout by Kanye West. Oh man. LAUGH!

Solitaire

What's In Your Purse?

2006-07-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

Is your purse something that would win you a chance on Let's Make A Deal? (If you remember that TV show, you're old like me (smile).) What's in there?

The purse thing is very much the same as the house thing. The clutter thing.

What do I carry with me now? I carry ONLY the keys that I use every day (the others are in the ashtrash of my car, ready, but not jangling around). I carry ONE lipstick -- and only that sometimes (now I use a "lip stain," and so in reality, I apply it like once a day. So I have one in my gym bag, and one in my car). My medical insurance card, driver's license, one credit card, business cards, cash.

If you are carrying a ton of stuff with you -- why? It's dragging down your side -- carrying a heavy purse or (forbid!) a "backpack" rumples up your clothes, messes up your posture, and definitely makes you more of a "target" than a Bond girl!

All the other "cards" that I might need (such as Costco card, Safeway card, coffee card and such) are in my car, all in a zipped bag in my glove box. This way -- I know exactly where they are. And if I'm going out shopping, I am not going out "on a whim." (That's how you get in trouble!) I plan to go out wherever I'm going -- so if I'm not driving the car, I can go into that little purple zip-case, and get out the "membership cards" that I'm going to need.

My "purse," in actuality, is a little wallet-thing, on a key ring. It's red leather, and my mom got it for me a long while back. It's sort of a wallet-business card holder cross-over. Very nice. And that's all I carry. I don't really carry a "purse" per se -- and I have a Blackberry which is my combo phone/address book/email/etc. -- which I just "clip" onto the leather keyholder part of this wallet/business card holder. So it's all together. If I'm going to be somewhere where I need to look a bit more "professional," I just put it into either a brown or a black purse (remember, you have all those categorized now in your closet -- R-I-G-H-T? (laugh)), and away I go.

I believe I talked a long, long time ago about getting all of your "lotions, potions, and makeup" down to one bag. This is what I call my 'gym bag' -- I happen to have a small ripstop bag that has everything in it. Spare contacts, a tampon, body lotion, deodorant, small brush, hairspray, blah blah. It's NOT a huge bag, either. Just small containers of everything. I have another little case (about the size of an eyeglasses case) that has all my makeup in it -- base, powder, blush, eyeshadow, lip moisture, mascara, etc. Together, these take up maybe.....I dunno, about 7"x5" of space, something like that? Very easy. Very portable.

Just this weekend, I went through boxes and boxes from under my fiance's bathrooms, stocked up with old "crap" from years gone by. Lordy, lordy. Look -- this stuff does NOT LAST. So GET RID OF IT. I don't care if you give stuff away (that's unopened) to your church, or leave it on a curb if it's opened where a homeless person might make use of it, or give it to your kids to play with for dress-up if it's one of the ZILLIONS of extra bits of makeup you have -- BUT GET RID OF IT! It is just weighing you down.

I really made this my "mission" a year ago -- and I remember how much stuff I threw out. It was amazing. The thing is, after that, you just don't collect any more. If they want to give you a "sample pack" when you get something at a makeup counter (and why are you buying that expensive "counter" stuff anyway...but never mind...), then go through it and assess immediately whether you're going to be using whatever is in there -- to REPLACE something you ALREADY HAVE AND ARE GOING TO THROW OUT -- or not. If not, then DO NOT TAKE IT. Or -- take it, and give it away to a homeless person.

I did this a while back -- I gave out the packs that you get on board an airplane (back in the day when I used to get to fly the "expensive seats") to some homeless guys. They looked pretty darned surprised. (Wonder which of them is using the Lavender Eau De Cologne and which is wearing the Virgin Atlantic footie warmer socks? (laugh).) Anyway -- you get the picture here.

We keep going and going and going back to the "de-clutter" concept. That's so important here. To me, the essence of a Bond girl is one that is surrounded by every single thing -- 100% -- that she loves and adores. Nothing is "catching dust" -- because neither is she! All she wants to do is please herself -- and when she's "tired" of something or it doesn't warm her heart any more -- she finds somewhere else for it to go. Because if your cup is totally full of beer, how you going to get the champagne in there? Get rid of the beer, get rid of the clutter. And then concentrate on the champagne. You might even be able to make use of a smaller "glass"....but think of the benefits!

Solitaire

Organizing/Cleaning your Car/Desk/Etc.

2006-07-17T16:45:00.000-07:00

I spoke about Feng Shui a while back -- this is just an adjunct to that piece.

Feng shui "works" on the smallest of spaces (a desk) or the largest (a house). The idea (to me) of feng shui is that it gives your brain 9 quadrants "in which to look" to be inspired in a certain area. So, for example, if you are looking for something that will inspire you in abundance, you look "up and to the left," whether it's on your desk, or in your house, or even in your car, you "see something" that reminds you of abundance.

But there is a "bedrock" thing -- and that is No Clutter. It's hard for me -- I have a lot of interests, and so clutter seems to follow me like toilet paper on your shoe. (laugh) But that is also one of the main tenants of Feng Shui -- if you haven't used it for a few months or it doesn't "tug on your emotions" every time you see it -- you shouldn't have it out. It's a dust magnet.

So what this means with respect to, say, your desk is that all sorts of things that you use but don't use EVERY day (say, your stapler) belong in a drawer. You want to put forward an organized and streamlined front. If you are working in an office, is there a ~reason~ that you have a ton of photos and little sayings and knick-knacks all around? If you were fired, how long would it take to clear up and clear out?

You want to only have so much stuff as you can really "manage well." So on your desk, again, anything that you're dealing with right at this instant should be out. If you're not dealing with it right this instant, or don't use it every day -- it should not be out.

If you are a "Sticky Note Fanatic," do you have notes that you actually haven't looked at in a while -- or that you write and then forget? How to you manage your time? I would suggest a little black book (very Bond Grrl), that you can even put sticky notes into, or whatever you're thinking of. If you want to put a picture of a Porsche up in your cubicle to "aim towards," why not put that in your little black book? Do you put stuff up so that folks will ask you questions about it? Why do you do that -- you want to have "internal approval" and "internal goals" working for you.

I heard something about goals the other day, too, which I thought was really interesting. A friend told me she had read that if you set a "goal," you're not that likely to reach it. But if you "make a promise," and then "make steps to get there," folks are much less likely to "break a promise" (even if it's "just" to themselves).

When you look in your car -- is it clean? Is it "ready to go"? One thing that came up at an Earthquake Preparedness Meeting the other day (and I am very bad at this one, but I get the point) is that you should never let your tank of gas go below 1/2. Because let's say that you're on E and then -- BLAM! -- earthquake. You are in trouble! If you still had 1/2 a tank, you could "decide" when to use the car, or maybe when to blow up the tires on your bike and go that way!

If you saw your favorite heartthrob on the side of the road and he flagged you down needing a ride -- what would he find when he opened the car door? Fritos bags? McD's wrappers? Shoes? Even if it's not spotless, it should be un-cluttered. You might not have gotten it detailed in a while...but that's one thing. Empty Fritos wrappers or smelly socks is a whole 'nother issue!

And speaking of Earthquake Preparedness (we were, weren't we?), another thing that is really mandatory for EVERYONE's car, desk at work, and house is some sort of "preparedness kit." Yes, I don't care if you think that you are totally safe...I heard the other day that the biggest and most "dangerous" faultline is somewhere like St Louis (!!) -- yeah, St. Louis! We're all surprised, right? Well, supposedly that's so (of course, I haven't gone and Google'd this, but it's somewhere really that you would not expect). The way the world is going these days, who is to say that you won't somehow get trapped in your car -- or at your desk -- or in your home -- and need what is in that pack. You can actually get "preparedness packs" all made up for you...or you can make your own. There are lots of lists on websites all over (I know that there was one for sickness-related stuff -- e.g., Avian Flu -- on a government website a friend sent me). Are you ready? If you're not ready -- are you really a Bond girl?

Clutter.....bad.
Preparedness....good.

:-)

Sharpening The Saw...

2006-07-17T16:40:00.000-07:00

Wow -- it's been nearly a month since I posted. I guess this wedding prep has caught up to me!

I heard a saying today that I hadn't heard before. Maybe you've heard about it -- it's called "Sharpening The Saw." Let me explain.

The seminar I went to had to do with setting your own personal goals and aspirations -- but to make sure that "in there somewhere" was a "goal" of spending a part of each day, and definitely at least one day a week -- to yourself. I have heard the "recharge your batteries" comment -- but I liked this one better.

The speaker said that this was like "sharpening a saw" -- meaning, that if you're going to be out there fighting the good fight and "cutting down trees" to get at your goal, that you have to take that time to "sharpen your saw" -- meaning, get it ready to more quickly and effectively cut those trees down the next time you use it.

When I use the term "recharge my batteries" it sort of means "lazing around doing nothing and maybe catching up on a little Oprah." I am sure that this phrase COULD mean the same to some folks -- just not to me.

So I'm switching to the "sharpening the saw" downtime description. Because just by saying it, this means something totally different -- instead of drinking a chocolate milk and watching bad reruns of Magnum PI (don't shoot me), which would be "recharging my batteries," I would be reading my back issues of "Experience Life" magazine, or sorting through a cabinet to make it easier to access the next time around, stuff like that.

I work from home -- so though the "reorganize the cabinet" stuff might sound like "work," to me, if I'm doing that at 2:30 p.m., it's a "break." And as I reorganize, I might be thinking about something I need to do for a client, etc. -- but I'm definitely putting my house to rights. Similarly, though sometimes I am galvanized by something I see on Oprah, I am REALLY inspired, every time, but something I read in Experience Life. And I just don't seem to "get around to it" (because I'm lazing around "recharging" of course).

So that's just one to think about!

Solitaire

Cancelling and Re-scheduling

2006-06-21T13:10:00.000-07:00

I heard a seminar by a really funny guy a while back. It had to do with wine -- and being "comfortable" with wine/wine tasting/etc. He was great.

One of the things that he suggested was that EVERYONE, on their next bottle of wine that they order, should "send the bottle back" after they taste it.

(Yeah, I gasped too when I heard that.)

He said you can't do this with a GLASS of wine, but if you order a bottle, and you don't like it, you have just taken the tiniest little sip out of the top of it (because at a good restaurant, of course, they let you taste it). The restaurant can always sell it by the glass, or behind the bar. So what he said is to send it back, saying basically "no, that's not going to go with the food, I'm sorry but we'll have the X instead."

If the waiter freaks out (which he probably will), say that you would like to speak with the manager, and then just explain that you know that s/he will understand, but the wine isn't actually to your liking, and so you know they can sell it behind the bar, so you'd rather have (the other brand).

Now you're going to ask me if we've been brave enough to try this yet, and we haven't (smile). But I thought I'd use it as an analogy with the whole cancelling/re-scheduling thing.

If you have said "Yes" to a bunch of obligations that you realize you are looking "forward to being over" instead of looking "forward to," then it's time to call and cancel. No excuses. If they ASK for an excuse, just say that you overfilled your commitments accidentally. Don't LIE (you know, that it's your mother's funeral...again....(laugh)). Obviously, you don't want to leave anyone in the "lurch" -- just like the wine analogy, there is no way for them to resell a GLASS of wine that you have tasted, so you've left them with a deficit by rejecting it (if it didn't have like a fly in it or something). But if it's something where they're not "counting on you" to do whatever it is -- get out of it if you're not all hot and juiced to do it.

Give it a try -- this is a real Achilles' heel for some folks (me included). I just did this today, in fact -- that's why it's on my mind. I went to the gym and worked out this morning, then coming home, I realized that I was just not going to be able to do what I had planned for the day. Which was a lot! So, I called, apologized, and cancelled. NONE of these were things where someone was "counting on me" -- my office meeting, a lunch with a friend, swimming with a friend, a class, and two other appointments. I called them all off, and came home and slept for like 5 hours!

Listen to yourself -- and at least from now ON, don't "order" something you know that you're doing to "please others" or "make their life easier" or (et cetera). Only put something on your "plate" that you're juiced about, if you can help it. I know, some stuff is going to be on there that isn't your favorite -- I have some work to do right now that I'm procrastinating about too (smile). But the idea is the more you do this, the less of that plate will have "mushy peas" on it (I hate mushy peas), and the more nice juicy steak and crunchy salad -- and even dessert -- that will be on there for you.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm guess who must be hungry? LAUGH

Practice Practice Practice....

2006-06-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

What's the "hardest part" about actualizing your Bond grrl self? Is it saying Yes to yourself? Is it saying No to others trying to creep in on your time? Is it cancelling and rescheduling?

Is it getting started....?

I had an experience just yesterday that I call a "practice what you preach moment." I am trying to finish my certification in sexology before my book comes out -- which is hopefully going to be before the next Bond movie (so I can take advantage of putting it on Amazon.com and anyone who puts "Bond girl" or "Bond" in the search engine). This means I'm going to need to self-publish the darned thing -- no publisher is going to take me that fast. 'S OK by me -- I figure I can do a run of some, get them in the hands of some people to give me great quotes for the next version (Pierce Brosnan, anyone? (laugh)) and then get it back out there . . . and then hit up publishers for follow-on books, workbooks, whatever. I just want to get that darned book out there, because I feel a lot of doing the seminars, etc. is on hold as I only have so much energy and time for something that (right now) is not making me $.

Anyway -- the thing that's falling off my schedule right now is getting that certificate. A friend said to me the other day (after our pole dancing class - SMILE) "You have to actually schedule that time, just like any other appointment. If you had to go to classes [the certification is online and through mail], you'd just book that time and you would be there. Because it's not -- you're not. And that can never work."

Duh....isn't that me just speaking out of her mouth? Yes it is indeed.

So, my Goal for today is to get at least 10 segments of at least 1 hour a piece "blocked into" my schedule, where I am going to study. Then, on the last one, I will put "book 10 more" and I wioll book 10 more -- etc -- until I get the program done.

This is what you need to do as well. Can't face cleaning your whole house/desk/purse/etc.? Start with the least "awful" room (or drawer, etc.) When you do it, you have to touch EVERYTHING, and make a real conscious decision to keep it -- it has to have a real gut "energy" for you, not just be a "momento" or "something you don't want to get rid of because X will get mad." For those things, put them in a box -- you don't have to get rid of them right now, but you do have to have them out of the room/drawer/etc. that you're working on. You can do them "last."

What I've found is that folks get to one of these, and they just stall out -- then quit. There are some rooms/drawers/closets that have a lot more of these than others (we all know that). But what you need to do is schedule time in whatever time system you use, and book it and say specifically what you're going to do, when. If it's a room, you're also going to clean EVERYTHING that's left in it -- and baseboards and ceilings and behind and under things, etc.! So be sure that you book enough time for it -- so you can be leisurely. As I think I've mentioned before, I find the whole process less painful if I put some great tunes on my iPod -- I can sort of "divorce myself" from the emotions tied to "objects" if I'm rockin'.

See, this is the thing (which I heard on an Oprah repeat last night). It's your decision. If you say that you are going to "try" to do something, you're not committed. If you say you WILL do it -- then you will. I have suggested signing a contract with yourself -- and Oprah is a big proponent of this. But in reality, what it takes is commitment to the process and the end result.

Before I moved in with my James, I processed through my house this way. I actually took 3 full days to do it on a 3-day weekend, told him I was off limits (laugh), and just DID it. I did my whole house down to every drawer and closet, my yard, my car, my purse, my desk -- you name it, I did it. WOW there was a lot of stuff that went into that "box" I mentioned above -- and even more went into trash, and charity/giveaway!

At the end, the trash obviously was thrown away, I brought the charity stuff to the various charities that could use it (a Baptist Church that feeds the homeless for lots of food/tea/etc. that I had extra, Dress for Success for "good" clothes, and we have a program called "Freecycle" for other stuff -- if you have one in your area, it's an email "board" where you post what you have and folks just come and get it -- it's fantastic). For the "box," I had a big potluck party and invited a bunch of local grrlfriends, and told them that was my party gift to them -- anything in that box (which actually turned out to be a BUNCH of boxes) were things that I couldn't part with, so I was hoping some of them might like them so I could go "visit" at their houses. They were all over that! I had put some clothes in there, LOTS of "chachkis" like candleholders, picture frames, etc. -- hair stuff, some costume jewelry I'm never going to wear, pillows, books, you name it. The personal stuff I'd taken off my walls that didn't totally give me an emotional "hit" any more (some photos of family, etc.) I put in a scrapbook. I can pull that scrapbook off the shelf any time I want -- but you know what? I don't. I have a few photos still out that inspire me and make me totally grin when I look at them -- but all that stuff has to be LIVING memories -- not something "past."

I have a friend who has a ton of photos in her house -- lots of them of her kids (who are grown and with their own families now), etc. She mainly dusts them -- I know she doesn't really "see" them. I had another friend who had the same thing in her house -- and when she got it painted, she really thought about each one before she put it back on the wall (the wall looked so good she didn't want to "put a lot of holes in it" which I thought was fun). A lot of us get into this "grandma syndrome" the older we get...and I think it's really just dead energy. That has to "flow." If you have a lot of photos up, or things that are old medals, trophies, stuff like that -- put them in a scrapbook (or for trophies, take a picture of them, put THAT in the scrapbook, and think a lot about whether you really NEED that trophy any more, especially if you're not still doing what you got the trophy for or it's more than 3 years old -- all it's doing is reminding you that your "glory days" are in your PAST and they SO ARE NOT!)

I had one of my grrls mention that she didn't feel like she had any goals -- except getting out of debt, which is going to take a lot of energy and "doing." The thing is -- it's not really true. She does have goals, and I know it (smile). She has to still do all the "clearing out" stuff. I have found -- truth -- that after this has been done, that somehow, something in the clearing "spurs you" into another goal. I'm not sure how this happens, but something "Sparks" and suddenly you think (when you find a long-lost "thing" that you "saved" and forgot about)....you think "HEY, I really wanted to check this out" (whatever "it" is)....and if you are still hot to do it -- THERE YOU GO, there is your goal! Don't tell me you're too old/fat/whatever. I see gals in my pole dancing class who might have said the same thing -- but they are all trying it out and having the TIME of their LIVES.

So bad to the time I totally cleaned out my house. After that, I moved in with my James. His house is 100% full -- as was mine. (Though mine was 1/2 the size (smile).) So NOW, here I am, having to go back through all the stuff that I felt I had "cut down to the bare minimum" -- and get rid of 1/2 of it again! Wow....it's been really enlightening. Because if you had asked me after I did my house last time, I would have said that everything that was still in there I "couldn't part with." Now -- I'm "parting with" 1/2 of it.

So you see -- part of this has to do with "expanding to fit your space." I heard a gal speak the other day, who wrote a book called something like "The Not So Big House." (It had to do with decorating, storage, etc.) Someone asked her "How big is 'Not So Big'?" And she said..."It's 30% less than what you currently have."

I felt that was a great definition. Her book has to do with "downsizing" to a degree-- but she also believes that everyone has at least 30% too much "stuff" and should be able to fit into a space that's at least 30% smaller (and be fine).

I'm coming to a realization that this is really true. Let's just pretend that your James came to you and said "Hey gorgeous, I have the greatest idea. I want to pack up all our stuff, and move to Buenos Aires for 6 months. I am going to pay for everything to get us there -- and we're going to have a fully furnished apartment that is just to die for. We just need to bring our essentials, then pack up what we want to get back into when we get back home." Just take a breath, and imagine this. And any excuses that you can come up with are taken care of -- it's going to be fine with your kids' soccer coach, with your boss, with WHOMEVER you are using in your head as an excuse not to go. (So that means -- it's all up to YOU.)

Now, the crux of this. Storage is expensive -- as is shipping your stuff to Argentina. (Or Paris. Or Rio. Or Miami. Or....) So you have to pack up the stuff that you are going to put into storage and don't "need for 6 months" -- but you and I both know that there is stuff that in reality you are not going to need -- EVER. Then, you're going to have to pack up stuff that you "can't live without" for the 6 months you're going to be away (remember, we have a fully furnished apartment here).

Okie dokie, so after that little mental exercise, you're in Argentina doing the tango with your James, and you find out that the storage unit was hit by a hurricane, and only 1/2 of your stuff survived. What stuff are you super hopeful made it?

You see what I'm getting at -- if you start going through it this way -- just like what happened to me when I cleared and cleaned my house, and am doing it now AGAIN because of moving in with my James, there is stuff you know that you can get rid of (that didn't make it to the storage unit). THEN, there is stuff you "want to keep" and put in there, but that isn't actually "irreplaceable." THEN, there is stuff that is actually "irreplaceable." (And then there is stuff you brought with you so that is "necessary.")

The cleaned out stuff might include clothes that aren't fashionable, pictures you never look at, books you have but haven't read and probably won't -- stuff that you could let go.

The stuff you put in storage that you realize would be OK (though a little painful) if taken by the hurricane are books you read and loved and so "want to re-read some day," DVDs, CDs (that aren't already in your iPod or came with you on the trip), furniture, old toys of your kids', candleholders, all your childen's drawings and papers going back for their whole lives, kitchen pots and pans that you have that are really kinda "extra," etc.

The stuff you put in storage that you realize you are really going to miss might include scrapbooks, that particular kitchen pot that you really cook EVERYTHING in, your grandma's silver, a picture by your child or a poem that every time you see it puts a tear in your eye.

The stuff you brought with you includes your grandma's antique broach, clothes you love, toys your kids really love, etc.

You know what I'm going to say now, right? You gotta get rid of the stuff that is the "hurricane stuff." I know it's painful, but that's what I'm doing now, and I am HATING IT, but it's so freeing.

A friend told me the other day that her school sponsors a "consignment day," where everyone brings their old toys, books, clothes, etc. -- all kids. It takes a bit of doing, because each item is "tagged" with the kids' names. And then, at the end of the day, that kid gets the $ from the stuff that has sold -- and everything else goes to a deserving charity, that the kids have learned about in school (e.g., clothing homeless kids, etc.)

My friend said that this has been the biggest lesson for her 2 kids -- that they LOVE getting that $, and often they want to give away stuff that she realizes she bought for them but they've never used! (This has taught HER as well!)

I think this is the most amazing idea, and wish all schools did something like this!

So, long post again (gee how surprising, I haven't written in a while), but I think the take away is this -- get your family involved, get rid of stuff, get some goals going (the first of which is -- get rid of stuff), and.....get GOING.

I know you can do it! I'm suffering through it -- suffer with me!

A comment from a gal who attended one of my seminars...

2006-06-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

A NOTE (from email) from one of the gals who came to my Party last week....

Most of us Brits would have a hard time doing the Passion Parties. Not only is it a tough subject, but getting up and speaking would be hard.

You do it very very well! I really enjoyed coming to this past one. It was much more informative than I had imagined.

It is why I am trying to put the word out, because the message that "us girls" need to take care of ourselves in order to be pleased is crucial.

That you can put facts to it, like we are on average 18 minutes behind them, is key.

The old idea that men are supposed to "know how to do it" needs to be kicked out. Poor blokes, for them it is so easy... they fancy a woman and that = "I'm ready." We are the complicated ones and if we don't really understand ourselves -- fat chance that men will!

So I'll try to spread the word.

Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands...

2006-06-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a number of Passion Parties recently (I have so much fun at this), which helps me to "solidify" my thoughts on Bond Grrl'in' it re. s-e-x.

Imagine a Bond movie -- here is this sexy Bond grrl, you know that she has her job that she's empowered in (she runs a fishing boat, or she's a nuclear physicist, or she leads a flying squadron, or...), you "respect" her, she's not an "Oh Jaaaaames..." grrl. She's lying, all seductive on the bed. Then the next words out of her mouth as her James approaches are....

"I'm not ready yet."

or how's about

"I need more time."

or how's about

"No, James, I can't have an orgasm, you didn't take long enough, get your mouth back down there."

(OH....MY....GOODNESS did she just say the O word and make a "reference" up there. Yeah.....yeah yeah)

Can you imagine? Come on grrls. I am shocked and stunned when I take informal polls at my classes, how many women still believe that it's "the man's job" to get her to her "O."

Let's take this from just a physical perspective. I think I have discussed this before, but a man, on average, takes about 3-4 minutes to be "ready to go." (That's average -- taking all men 8-80 as it were). A woman? It's closer to 22 minutes. And women seem to EXPECT their James to "make up" that 18 minute "gap" for them.

What up with that? I want to pose a more fEmpowering scenario to you. You know that you're going to have an Evening with your James that night. You come home earlier than he does -- you PLAN IT. I don't care if your boss wants something at the last second, whatever -- tell him you have a "female appointment" he won't dare keep you (laugh). Remember, your LIFE comes FIRST! So you get home so you have plenty of time. Now, time to start the Ritual Count Down. Set the stage....I don't care if you and your James have been together for 10 years! Why would that make romance a thing of the past? Just a candle on the dresser somehow changes things.

(As an aside, yesterday I was taking out the trash, and I happened to look into our neighbors' house. They have been married forever, and there they were, having dinner by candlelight. I think they probably do it every night -- we don't know them that well -- but it just looked really nice. How many of you are eating out of Chinese take-out boxes over the sink? Get real. How Bond Grrlish is that? Not!)

Anyway -- so the first thing you want to do is to take a nice shower or bath (whatever is your choice). Why? Because a woman's #1 sense is TOUCH. What you want to do is not hurry yourself through in 2 minutes, blasting yourself with water and running a washcloth over all your "parts" quickly and stepping out....no. You want to use your HAND, so you have skin to skin contact. You want to start at your feet, and really caress yourself. Take time. Don't have the water too hot, warm is good. Really LOVE your body (all of it). Run your hands all over your body first, with no soap. Second time, with soap. Close your eyes. Imagine your hands are your lover's hands. If you think about it beforehand, it's super nice to have a soap that you use specially before meeting your James -- I use a pheremone shower gel off my website (www.passionESQ.com) that smells like plumeria (mmmmm!) and also has pheremones in it -- that tell YOUR BRAIN (and your James'!) that you are relaxed and "ready." I also love rose, which I get off my other website (www.mooncrafting.com -- yeah, I'm full of'em -- I just like getting the discount for myself LAUGH).

Make sure you DO NOT MISS the "bits" that turn you ON! (Watch out, did she say that? YES I DID.) This is the important part! I don't care what it is -- could be inside your elbow, back of your neck, or of course the "usual" bits. Keep your eyes closed, keep that water warm, and imagine that you're under a warm waterfall and your James (or a fantasy lover!) is caressing you! You will be decreasing your 22 minutes as you go!!!

After your shower, step out and do the same with a fluffy towel -- really take time to wipe every bit of your body of the water, and caress yourself doing it. Don't go fast. Have I said that like 15 times? The idea here is this is "part of the seduction" -- the seduction of YOU by YOU! Your biggest and most important sex organ is your BRAIN -- that's what it's all about.

Now, you want to apply a lotion -- again, for me, I use the plumeria-scented/pheremone lotion that matches the bath gel -- I also have another one that has pheremones in it called "Spice" (that's also off the www.passionESQ.com website). I am not writing this to say "go buy my products," but the deal here is that they don't have SLS in them (sodium laurel or laureth sulfate, which is a known skin irritant and has been linked to cancer), and the lotion doesn't have water as the first ingredient, so it actually is emollient to the skin instead of stealing the moisture away!

Next, I apply a little lubricant (I use Revelation, again off www.passionESQ.com) "inside." (WHAT did she SAY? Yeah yeah...) The idea here, hello, is that you ALWAYS want to use a lubricant, and you might as well get a little head start. Don't use a ton, just get a little in there. Revelation doesn't taste and is re-activated by moisture, and so anything that "goes on from here" is going to help you with the lubrication "issue." (I have talked about that before -- nearly all women are dehydrated, and that is the first body "liquid" that a woman's body holds back on.)

Now, put on your sexy undies/bra/etc. You got rid of your grannie panties and such during your closet purge, RIGHT? I mean, come on! You can go to Ross or Marshall's and get great sets for next to nothing -- and the ones that you have for your "evenings" don't have to be the cross-your-heart-pull-it-all-in-comfy-to-walk-in undie/bra combo. It can be a cute thang because it is just for this purpose. Remember -- this a Ritual for you.

Now, here is a radical concept. You might be, at the end of all this, "ready to go"!!! (Yes, could happen, and your James is not even home yet!) What makes it that you have to go through dinner, etc. before you have sex? If you're feeling ready, call him on his cell phone and tell him that dinner comes "last" tonight. If you know he's going to want to shower and change, then get it all ready for him. Is the shower back ready, or is your wet towel lying around, mirror steamed up, etc.? Come on grrl! Maybe have a soap that he can use that you love the scent of -- you definitely want that fluffy towel for HIM (and how about being there to rub him down?) -- maybe a sexy pair of boxers (I'm a sucker for boxers) laid out on the bed? Do you have music playing? Is that candle lit?

This is just one example of a Ritual that you can set up....one that I teach grrls about all the time. I'm amazed at first the "pushback" I get from women who say that basically their James should be in charge of them having the Big O, and "why should they cater to him like that."

Hello.

FIRST, you cater to YOU. Then, you share that with him. You know how much time, in true reality, we're talking about here? Probably 1/2 hour for you if you go in real slo-mo, and what, like 10-15 minutes for him. And you know what? He will feel like a KING. I know, you want him to make you feel like a "Queen." But grrlfriend, to be fEmpowered is to be in charge of your OWN LIFE. And in this part of your life, it's time to take that empowering control -- to know that you're in charge of your own happiness and that you can affect HIS happiness.

Let me tell you -- you do this a few times (or you do a "30 Days in 30 Ways" or EVEN "10 Days in 10 Ways"!), and your James is going to be grinnin' when he sees you. His eyes are going to light up when you enter the room. I don't care if he doesn't "do" things for you -- you can "do" for your own self, you're a Bond Grrl. But that light in his eyes, that's worth it all.

Since you've also decreased your time to the "Big O," you can not only relax and "have it" (smile), but you are going to make him feel like the hottest thing around. And you know when our Jameses are feeling hot and "expansive," it's all to our benefit! And, YES, I mean that you're going to work on decreasing your time to "liftoff" EVERY TIME (don't sass me, I mean it). You want to take this responsibility on, because it's all of about 10-15 minutes, and it's going to make your sex life LIGHT YEARS BETTER. By taking that control, you're not lying there thinking "oh, no keep doing it a little longer, please keep doing it" and he's not getting a cramp in his hand/neck/whatever saying to himself "I am not doing a good job, I am a bad lover, I can't please her, will you PLEASE get off grrl" (laugh). I would like you to consider making this promise -- to take AT LEAST this area of your life -- into your own power, starting today. (Your James isn't going to know what happened, and he doesn't even need to know. Even if you come home 5 minutes early and "work out the kinks" with a vibe a little, it's going to decrease your time -- and we ALL know that there is no relaxer like the Big O anyway, right?)

So take matters in your own "Hands," grrls. Get yourself ready, and then lie back and ENJOY.

Solitaire

Have you WRITTEN DOWN your goals?

2006-05-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

Have you made a contract with yourself? And signed and dated it?

Part of the project here was to set down some goals -- and to sign and date that you would accomplish them by X date.

Have you accomplished your first goals?

Have you SET your goals?

You are in charge of your own destiny. Before you decided to unleash your inner Bond grrl, you probably floated through life, just taking what came your way. My guess is that it was not a habit of yours to set goals.

Time to change that!

It's nearly a new month. When you look back on last month, are you proud and happy? Do you see your accomplishments? Were you everything that you could be?

NO?

Guess what. Every minute, you get a chance to start again. So put some emotion behind it -- get excited, get angry with yourself, get SOMETHING -- but get going!

What motivates you? If you know the end-goal of a week, a month, 3 months, then see if you can go through some magazines and cut out some representations of what you're aiming for. Now, we KNOW that you're not going to get the castle on the estate in 3 months -- you can save that for your "end" goal. But what about some pictures of money to represent abundance and paying bills, or a picture of something who is not model-thin but who looks fine (have you SEEN Janet Jackson after losing 60 lbs?), and use them as something to really "see" that goal. Heck, find a picture of YOURSELF -- that's best!

Look, the key to this whole thing is that it's not easy. I know. You're going to want to be back in the comfy rut you have been in for a long, long time. But the difference between success and failure, someone once told me, is the successful person just picks themselves up one more time after being knocked down than the person who gives up. Similarly, the folks out there who are successful -- guess what -- it didn't just "happen upon them." I can see Oprah, when she was a weather girl, writing down goals, taping them up on her wall, planning. I mean, aiming a little higher, a little higher -- and continuing and continuing. (She's SUCH my hero.) Can't you see it? You can do that!!

I mean, how exciting would it be to get a check in the mail with enough "left over" so that you could support a charity that's meaningful to you. All your debts paid, and to be able to give a significant amount to help others in need. Often, we have gotten ourselves "in need" by buying clothes/purses/"crap" that we never really use, etc. -- we bought it to fill up a black hole inside. OK, now I am going to get serious with you -- imagine instead that all that debt on your cards had gone to the women in the Congo. Do you realize that you could be considered pretty much a saint? Do you realize you could save women's lives? Do you realize that that "latte here, posh jeans there" could have gotten a woman out of a horrible, horrible situation?

I want you to think about that. We all fall on hard times -- but the most fulfilling thing that I do each month has to do with giving to charity. And I only am able to give because I stopped "treating" myself and shopping, shopping, shopping. Just a thought.

I want you to hold yourself responsible. I want you to write down your goals. I want you to stop blaming others, and watch how things will immediately change. Set a goal -- and don't let yourself down. If your boss had given you that goal and said "that's it, if you can't accomplish it, you're fired," you'd be pissed, but you'd find SOME way to do it, wouldn't you? If you had live fire on your tail and you had to get that goal accomplished or be mowed over, you'd do it, wouldn't you? So why do you let yourself down, laze out, on your vision?

You need accountability and responsibility to yourself. You have to have goals and a vision. And you have to have passion to reach that goal. It's time to take control -- stop blaming, look inward, get your "gut" involved, and give yourself the present of success in achieving your goals.

Here are some long term ones -- write them down. What do YOU want? (And what will you need to do to step-by-step get there?)
1. Pay off your credit cards?
2. Have a vacation?
3. Quit your job and find one you're passionate about?

In thinking about this, I heard someone in a movie the other day say "we are just little people, and we can just do little things each day. So what little thing can we do today, to chip away at this big problem?" That really hit me. So here are some other questions to answer:

1. What little thing could you do differently right now, to chip away at a problem or contribute to your overall success? Something small, that you could just about get up and do right this second? Now, what's something a little bigger, that you can accomplish this week?

2. What makes you excited? What made you excited when you were a little girl? Are you getting that into your life, at LEAST once a week? I don't care what it is -- you gotta go back to your little "girl" and see what she loved -- she's still in there and I bet you still love whatever that was. (Do you gotta go buy some Crayons? Get out in the woods? Go to the zoo? Read princess books?)

3. What have you "always wanted to do," but didn't have the money for? What would you do if you didn't have to worry about money? (See, for me, that's going to the Congo and helping those women. It's not bling. That's where my heart is definitely.)

4. What additional amount in your bank account every month would let you relax and help you make ends meet? It's probably not THAT much once you get rid of the crap you're doing because you're not thinking (e.g., buying a latte every day -- ka-CHING that's like $100/month). What about thinking about a business you could run out of your house? (I do Passion Parties, for example -- I made $300 this weekend in 3 hours and had a blast.)

These are just a few questions I came up with -- what are yours?

Why a Bond Grrl...and Why Now?

2006-05-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

I had a very interesting conversation with a gentleman at a networking "thing" that I do at the end of each month. He asked what I was up to, and I said that I was still doing the law thing, but (since he's never going to be a client, I figured, what the heck) I mentioned about the fEmpowerment thing. He was intrigued.

His response to using a Bond grrl as a "paradigm" was "Why would women of the 21st Century want to use a sex symbol/bimbo from the 60s as a paradigm?" I laughed, and said "Well, a Bond grrl has her own job, that she's passionate about. But she also knows how to be part of a team where she is NOT the leader. Give me another woman figure that fits that bill -- and is also undeniably sexy and desirable to boot."

After a bit of hemming and hawing, and pointing out the throw-away "bimbos" that do show up in Bond films (You know the ones -- the ones without some job they're passionate about, who wind up just going "Oh James" and swooning and get about 5 minutes of air time), he wound up agreeing it was an "intriguing" paradigm to use.

We started talking a bit about the whole "#1 at being #2" concept that a Bond grrl has, too. I told him that in my experience, if someone is a leader in one aspect of their life, they wind up trying to "lead" in most other areas -- or being unable to really follow. In other words, they try to 'back lead" (to use a ballroom metaphor, of when a woman tries to get the man to do what she wants).

This is not what a Bond grrl does. When it comes to a situation where she is not leading, she is absolutely committed to following/supporting. I think that this is becoming a lost art. I particularly think this is a lost art in the manner of personal relationships. I have said this before, but I'll say it again -- men don't have anyone in their lives they can go to when they have "a hurt paw" -- except their significant other. Women, on the other hand, always have their grrlfriends to go to. If a man goes to his "guys," they're like a dog pack. He will be "one down" from then on. If a grrl goes to her grrlpack, she's "sharing." And everyone usually sort of forgets about it later.

If you treat your James like #1, really listening, rubbing his stomach, flattering him (not lying, just flattering), giving him treats, etc. -- he's going to be there for you. Yeah, now you're going to say "so, why can't he do that to ME?" Because you should be strong enough to be doing this for yourself. Are you vain? Men are vain (tho they will never admit it). You will hold them in the palm of your hand if you just give them that attention 10-15 minutes out of the day. AND -- listen -- if your James WERE to give you that attention, would you ACCEPT IT? Or would, when he says "baby, you are so sexy," you say back "oh, but doesn't my butt look fat?" THIS is the way to train someone to NOT compliment you (hello). So if you get a few out of him -- say THANK YOU (and give him one back). NO MORE of this "self-deprecating" stuff like "oh...you think so?" That's just you fishin'. Knock it off.

So a new month is coming -- have you gotten started on your Bond grrl self? Have you written down some goals -- for the week, for the month, for the next 3 months? Have you taken a deep breath, and started plotting your full-house/closet/car/desk clean? If you did one already, is it time to do it again? Things accumulate! Anything that's not part of your Bond grrl life's gotta go. What about having a "give-away" party with your grrls? You need to make space for your new Bond grrl self to sashay on in!

Success Through Goal Setting

2006-05-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

From and Article by Brian Tracy

The ability to set goals and make plans for their accomplishment is the "master skill" of success. It is the single most important skill that you can learn and perfect. Goal-setting will do more to help you achieve the things you want in life than will anything else you’ve been exposed to. Becoming an expert at goal-setting and goal-achieving is something that you absolutely must do if you wish to fulfill your potential as a human being. Goals enable you to do the work you want to do, to live where you want to live, to be with the people you enjoy, and to become the kind of person you want to become. And there is no limit to the financial rewards you can obtain. All you have to do is to set a goal (for example, for financial success), make a plan, and then work the plan until you succeed in that area.

The payoff for setting goals and making plans is being able to choose the kind of life you want to live. So why do so few people set goals? According to the best research, less than 3 percent of Americans have written goals, and less than 1 percent review and rewrite their goals on a daily basis. So the reasons why people don’t set goals have been of considerable interest to me. I think that there are five basic reasons why people don’t set goals.

The first reason is that they are simply not serious. Whenever I speak with a man or woman who has achieved something remarkable, I learn that the achievement occurred after that person decided to "get serious." Until you become completely serious and totally determined about your goals, nothing really happens.

The second reason why people don’t set goals is that they don’t understand the importance of goals. We find that young men and women who begin setting goals very early in life invariably come from families in which the importance of goals is emphasized. The discussion that takes place around your family dinner table is one of the most powerful formative influences in your life. If your parents didn’t have goals, didn’t talk about goals, didn’t encourage you to set goals, and didn’t talk about people outside the family circle who had goals and were moving toward a higher level of achievement, then you very likely grew up with the idea that goals are not even a part of normal existence. This is the case for most people. And for many years, it was the case for me.

The third reason why people don’t set goals is because they don’t know how to do it. One of the greatest tragedies of our educational system is that you can receive 15 to 18 years of education in our schools and never once receive a single hour of instruction on how to set goals. Yet we find that in certain schools where goal-setting programs have been introduced since first grade, young people become excited about goal-setting - even if the goal is only to increase the scores by 5 or 10 percent over the course of the semester, or to be on time every day in the course of a month. Children become so excited about achieving goals that by the third or fourth grade, they love to go to school. They get the best grades. They are seldom absent. They are excited about themselves and about their lives. So encourage your children to set worthwhile and realistic goals from an early age.

The fourth reason why people don’t set goals is fear of rejection. The fear of rejection is caused by destructive criticism in early childhood and is manifested, in adulthood, in the fear of criticism by others. Many people hold back from setting worthwhile goals because they have found that every time they do set a goal, somebody steps up and tells them that they can’t achieve it, or that they will lose their money or waste their time.

Because each of us is strongly influenced by the opinions of those around us, one of the first things that you must learn when you begin setting goals is to keep your goals confidential. Don’t tell anyone about them. Often, it’s the fear of criticism that, more than any other single factor, stops you from goal-setting in the first place. So keep your goals to yourself, with one exception. Share your goals only with others who are committed to achieving goals of their own and who really want you to be successful and achieve your goals as well. Other than that, don’t tell anybody about your goals, so no one is in a position to criticize you, or to discourage you from setting your goals.

The fifth reason why people don’t set goals - and perhaps the most important reason of all - is the fear of failure. People don’t set goals because they are afraid that they might fail. In fact, the fear of failure is probably the greatest single obstacle to success in adult life. It can hold you back more than any other psychological problem.

The primary reason why you fear failure is simply this: You probably do not understand the role that failure plays in achievement. The fact is that it is impossible to succeed without failing. Failure is an indispensable prerequisite for success. All great success is preceded by great failure. If you wish to fulfill your potential, you have to be willing to risk failure over and over and over, because there is no way that you can ever accomplish worthwhile goals until you have fallen on your face so many times that you have eventually learned the lessons that you need for great achievement.

In doing research for his classic book The Law of Success, Napoleon Hill interviewed more than 500 of the most successful men and women in America. All of them admitted to him that they had achieved their greatest successes just one step beyond the point where they had experienced their greatest failures.

A key to succeeding through goal-setting is expecting temporary setbacks and obstacles as inevitable parts of the goal-achieving process.

Now, in order to be successful, you need to focus your mental and physical energy in a single direction toward a predetermined objective. People who are especially energetic or talented have a hard time with this. They are the ones who try to do several things at once and end up doing nothing well.

Setting well-defined goals enables you to channel your efforts and focus your energy toward something that’s important to you. Goal-setting gives you a target to aim at and enables you to develop the self-discipline to continue working toward your target rather than becoming distracted and going off in other directions.

Let me share with you five keys that will help you to reach your goals more effectively. Each of these keys starts with one of the letters in the word goals. Whenever you find yourself getting off the track, simply repeat the word "goals," and think about how each letter stands for a key that just might apply to your current situation.

G stands for Get To It. Sometimes, the only difference between a successful person and a failure is that the successful person has the courage to get started, to do something, to begin moving toward the accomplishment of a specific goal.

For example, when I was younger, I realized that because of my limited education, I was stuck in a low-paying job. I began reading the want ads and decided that I wanted to work in advertising, especially as a copywriter. I went to an advertising agency and applied for the job of writing advertisements. The head of the agency was very polite, but he told me that I was unskilled and totally unsuited for the position. He thanked me for coming in and wished me luck.
Now I was back on the street, but I had a goal. I wanted to be an advertising copywriter. I immediately took the first step, which was to learn more about how to write copy, so that I would not be turned down in the future because of a lack of ability. I went to the local library and checked out books on the subject of advertising and copywriting. Over the next 12 months, I checked out and read every single book in the library on the subject. Meanwhile, I read magazines and newspapers and thought about how I could improve their advertising. I wrote sample advertisements and began taking them to advertising agencies.

To make a long story short, at the end of the 12 months, two of the largest advertising agencies in the country offered me a job as a copywriter, and I accepted one of those offers. My income doubled. I had worked at other jobs in the meantime. But I had never lost sight of my goal, and I had kept on doing the things that I needed to do to put myself in a position to eventually achieve my goal.

You, too, may have a long-range goal. In order to achieve it, you need to sit down and make a list of all the steps that you will have to take to get from where you are to where you want to be. Then begin with the first and most obvious thing that you can do on that list. Complete it, and then start on number two. Don’t worry about the long term. Just concentrate on the obvious first step that you can take. Surprisingly enough, everything else will take care of itself. The Confucian saying, "A journey of a thousand leagues begins with a single step," is so popular in so many languages because it is so true.

The second letter, O, stands for Opportunity. Successful people do not wait for opportunities to turn their goals into reality; rather, they make their opportunities, because they are perfectly clear about the kind of life they wish to create. Once you have taken the time to decide exactly what you want, you will experience an endless flow of opportunities that will help move you in that direction.

For example, a young woman worked for me as an executive secretary. At the same time, she had a goal to be a successful real-estate agent and investor. So while she worked for me, she regularly took night courses to get her real-estate-agent’s license and also to learn how to buy and sell real estate profitably. Over the course of a year, she and her husband bought, fixed up and sold three houses. They made more money from their real-estate transactions than they did from their jobs. At the end of the year, she passed the test and got her real-estate-agent’s license.

Within a few days of getting her license, she and her husband were sitting in a small restaurant, and they got into a conversation with a woman at the next table. It turned out that this woman was a very successful real-estate agent who needed an executive assistant to work with her and learn the real-estate profession. They got along so well that my executive secretary was offered the job, where she would be earning double what she could earn as a secretary and have an unlimited upside potential.

My secretary did not wait for an opportunity to come to her. She set a goal, made a plan and went to work to prepare herself for the opportunity when it arose.

A stands for Ability. Many people hesitate to set high, challenging goals because they lack the ability necessary to turn those goals into reality. But remember that we all lacked knowledge and experience when we started out in our careers or fields of expertise.

Do you remember when you started your first job? You probably felt a little clumsy, inadequate and unsure about how to do it well. As you progressed and got more experience, you became more and more confident, and in many cases, you did an excellent job without even thinking much about it.

Since you gain the ability necessary for high achievement through knowledge and experience, if you increase the speed at which you acquire both of those, you increase the speed at which you move ahead.

The letter L stands for Leadership. Leadership is simply the ability to get results. And you begin to get results when you accept full responsibility for yourself, for your job and for the outputs required in your position.

You demonstrate leadership when you refuse to make excuses or blame anyone or anything for the problems you are having. The acceptance of the responsibility of leadership enables you to move ahead and take action.

When you are not satisfied with your job or income, and you sit down and make a written plan to change it, and then take action on that plan, without waiting for anyone’s approval or permission, you are behaving like a leader.

The final letter, S, stands for Stay With It - have the resolution to persist in the face of adversity until you succeed. Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles. Your decision to be, have and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else.

When you look around you, you will see that all achievement is the triumph of persistence. You will see men and women everywhere who are struggling with and overcoming adversities in order to accomplish something that is important to them. And so can you.

So these are the words and phrases to remember in setting and achieving goals:
* The first is get to it! Get started; take the first action at hand.
* The second is opportunity. Begin to prepare yourself now so that you will be ready for the opportunities that will inevitably arise.
* The third is ability. Resolve to learn what you need to know to live the kind of life you want to live.
* The fourth word is leadership. Take charge of your time and your life, and accept responsibility for your results.
* And, finally, stay with it. If you stay with it long enough, nothing can stop you from finally winning!

Amen to that!
Solitaire

What Makes a Bond Grrl Invincible?

2006-05-25T16:42:00.001-07:00

Guns? Some little sexy trick she "duz"? Well, when you come down to it, as a Bond grrl in training, I would say no :-)

What your "James" (and all people around you -- you, too!) really are craving is to be understood. If you can help fill this need for those special to you, you are going to be an amazingly special woman indeed.

You want people to seek you out, because they need to be heard and understood. I don't mean talk your ear off -- you can set your boundaries. But how often are we talking talking talking so much in a conversation, and we realize we haven't shut UP and don't know a thing about what the other person is doing or feeling -- or they say one thing and we jump on it and ride it with "our experiences"?

I know we're trying to be "sympathetic." Knock it off. In fact, it makes people feel like you're using their experience to "springboard" off into your own ego-ramblings.

Once you have listened to someone -- well, they are "emptier" and a lot more likely to listen to you. That's a fact. Just make sure that they are all done talking before you blurt out your fabulous wisdom on them.

Understanding is usually the key. Helping someone "understand" why they do something (especially if they, or you, don't like it ) can be life changing. If everyone is truthful, it can be a really deep way to find out more about yourself, and about others. Besides, when someone feels heard and understood, they are DEFINITELY going to be more "present" for you.

One of the best ways to show that you understand is just to take a bit of what they said and mirror it back to them. NOT ADDING your own two cents, just with a "wow, I heard you say X, and that really makes me feel Y." (Period)

Yesterday, I had lunch with an old high school flame (you know, one of the EARLY crush ones, where you don't even have a clue what to do so it's just hopeless (laugh)). He looks GREAT! I don't think I've seen him in 20 years -- a mutual friend of ours ran into him, and gave him my email. He and his wife moved back from the East Coast a few years ago, and now live where we all grew up again. (It IS gorgeous here, but I think it's better if you come to it from living away for a while -- I was away for a long time and so I don't feel that "all my life" I have spent here.) Anyway -- so I practiced this -- nearly the whole lunch, I talked about him, what he was doing, etc. -- and really drawing him out on it. We were just about paying up when he asked a bit about what I was up to and I answered -- but I kept it short, because the time was short. Not short as in "mad" short as in just little bits and pieces. And so what happens? He wants to get together again! (Maybe the 4 of us -- he says that his wife and I would really get along.)

See, that's the thing. Listen, Listen, really Understand, be Curious, give a tiny bit, GET ANOTHER DATE (as it were). If you shoot your whole "wad," then how interesting you gunna be? And besides, THE most interesting woman is the one who gets and keeps the most interesting conversation going. And what do you think THAT is about? The listener's interests! Don't fake it -- I mean, a little if you must -- but practice on this. You will get deeper info into someone, and the thing you thought that he did that you hate, will turn out to be tied to something TOTALLY FASCINATING you knew nothing about.

Practice!

What is your Frame of Reference?

2006-05-25T16:42:00.000-07:00

In unleashing your inner Bond Grrl, you are aiming at expanding your life in many ways. We often follow that old Beatles song, 'Money Can't Buy Me Love" -- thinking (I think) that we should aim for joy, happiness, etc. What I think we want to aim for is prosperity and abundance.

That is the SOURCE of all the other things.

In looking at the way that you talk with yourself, do you use "scarcity thinking"? If you do, you are "thinking about scarcity" and, by the "law of magnetic attraction," you get what you are putting your energy in. What? SCARCITY! The best way to slow down the good things coming to you is to dwell on the lack of them. Poor you. Woe is you. Knock it off!

We all have a little voice inside -- some of us call it the "voice of reality," but in actuality, I think it's a voice of someone who wants power over me. (The minute I say that, I kinda get my back up more straight and I think -- HEY, I am not giving my power away!!) But you see, you ARE giving it away, when you listen to his negative and scarcity-based trash.

So what does it take to POOF make him go away? The best way is to shoot rays of bright light at him -- rays of optimism and abundance. If you are talking about a job you "hate" or "don't want," then it's time to talk about what you "intend to do" or "where you're going." If you're talking about something being "scary" to chance, how about that it's a "challenge" and "exciting"? Say that you CHOOSE to not buy something, not that you are not buying it because you "can't afford it." Envision. See the opportunities. Keep the power!

The Law of Attraction states that you resonate "to you" what you are resonating. Thoughts of prosperity and abundance attracts more of the same. Self-defeating phrases and pessimistic, scared, scarce thoughts send out a charge that -- ta da! -- attracts that right back atcha.

Starting today, LISTEN to the little goblin in your head. Really hear what s/he has to say to you. A LOT of it is not so nice! Every time that it starts up, I want you to take a big breath in on a count of 5, hold it for 2, then breathe it out firmly for a breath of 5. When breathing in, I want you to see that wind gathering up all those negative things that the goblin is saying -- when you hold your breath for those 2 seconds, you're tying a knot and trapping them inside your breath. Then when you breathe back out, you breathe them into an imaginary rose, that you hold in your mind's eye, right in front of your face. Pick a color that is really powerful and meaningful to you (mine are usually orange). Once that wind and all those words and gunk get out and in that rose, I want you in your minds eye to blow it to smitherines! Yes, real fireworks! Blow it up, and see all the parts fall to the center of the earth, to be burned up.

It doesn't take that long to do this exercise (it's about 15 seconds from when you realize that your "gremlin is on" until you have blown up the rose) -- but I think it's well worth the effort.

Solitaire

Set Aside Space/Clear The Decks...

2006-05-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

Why do we fill our lives so full? Do so much for others? Spin, spin, spin?

Is it because if we take it all away, if we're sitting in our own quiet room by ourselves, we feel that we're just a nobody? Do we feel that we "are what we do?"

This is my question for you this week. I think that we often do a ton of stuff because we want people to look at us and say "wow, look how great she is" or "wow, she does so much" or "wow, she gives so much to her community/family/etc."

The thing is, that as a Bond Grrl, all you want to do, you want to do with and for Passion.

Are you Passionate about all the little chores that you're up to during the day? Or are you doing them so that you can say "HONESTLY, I just do NOT HAVE TIME to do all your Bond Grrl exercises, I am BIZZY BIZZY BIZZY!" I think this is just a coping skill, for not wanting to find out what's "inside." It's all Fear-based. That you will find out who you are, and you won't like her! That you will find out that you are "only" what you wear, or what you eat, or who you meet, or what you do.

The thing is, that's just not so. ~I~ know that you're an awesome Bond Grrl in there (or else you wouldn't be reading this). I just feel that you have dripped all sorts of things all over yourself, to "avoid thinking about" the hard stuff. Like how much debt you're in. Or how much you need to tone up. Or how low energy you feel, because you don't eat foods that nourish you. Or how stressed out you are, because you do things "for others" -- to get their appreciation.

I heard once from a child psychologist that one should never EVER say to a child "Wow, I'm so proud of you!" You should instead say "Wow, you must be so proud of yourself!" That the "pride of accomplishment" is "rooted" outside us by the first comment, given to us very early on. We wind up going outside of ourselves to find someone "proud of us" -- instead of being firm and warm about it on our own insides.

I'm definitely there with ya'll, my Bond Sisters. I definitely want to hear that I look great, I want to hear that I'm fantastic, etc. It's all a process. But I also know, when I hear that little voice in my head that "wants to hear that," that it's all just training from when I was a little kid, and I learned through that about how if you do something someone likes, you get praise, and it feels good. I didn't learn until a lot later about doing something that is right, and feeling that "flush" just inside.

(Sometimes I still have to go "tell someone I did it" -- though I am workin' on that. See I am still a Bond Grrl work in progress, too!)

So what I want to reiterate is that you need to set aside space in your life just for you. And don't let anyone say that you're "lazy" or "it must be nice." I actually get this all the time from my James. He is an employee -- so "has to work 9-5." But we all know that employee bees are NOT "working 9-5" -- there are a LOT of breaks, downtimes, etc. in there. However, I work for myself. This means that some days (like today) I only have 1 project to do for a client -- and then, well, no more work. So I'm going to go hiking with a grrlfriend, b/c we haven't seen each other in a long time, and it's beautiful out. What's the haps on that from my James? (Derogatory, "sigh/fed up" tone of voice): "Well, THAT must be NICE."

Other people just don't understand where you are coming from, and if you let them "make you" fill in your downtime because you feel "guilty" having it, then you're reacting to something outside yourself, to make Your Life. Things like cancer, heart attacks, etc. are tied to this sort of "whirring around" and "rushing" etc. This is not good!

If you think about Aboriginal living, what do they do? Lie around. Hunt some food. Enjoy their families. Have some sex. Lie around again. In a way -- this is Bond Grrl living, just with a higher style! This is what we're supposed to be doing with our lives.

I will definitely tell you, of course, especially as my James is one of them, that some people just are not going to "get" this. So, don't tell them. Do they really NEED to know that you're going hiking? My James is going to go to work -- what does he know about what I do all day? Not much. And if I don't have any work, what am I supposed to do? Obsess about it? Freak? Look at my bank account with $32.12 in it? Heck, if I go out hiking, have a good time, get some fresh air in and clean out the cobwebs, I'm more likely to be positive and "attract" good energy and things to me.

So I want to be sure that you are making room for your Self in your life. It can start with just waking up each morning 20 minutes early, and stretching from your feet up to your head, and saying your prayers of thanks for being around, give thanks for the FANTASTIC day you are GOING to have (set that up!) That's such a good start -- I do this now, and I think it makes a big difference not to just have the alarm go off and SLAM I am running into my day. I also found a Pilates class that I do 2x/wk in the morning, first thing -- it's hard to get there (and that's just me -- I don't have kids to get up and out!) -- but once I ~do~ get there I am so thankful. That "gym time" -- especially stretching -- is really time for yourself. (Hard core running, etc. often seems more "out of body" to me -- maybe because it's more painful than yoga/stretching/Pilates/etc.!)

Are you going to make that room for your Self this week? Because the only way to be ready to be spontaneous -- you NEVER KNOW when that ticket to Paris is coming! -- is to have ROOM in your life to be so.

Go grrrl.....

Making a Clean Sweep!

2006-05-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

It's Spring here -- well, OK, it went from being rainy nasty winter to SUMMER. :-) But it ~should~ be Spring...

One of the things that is very important, in realizing your inner Bond Grrl self to the outside (I know that's not English but I still like it), is to get RID of unwanted stuff, then to ORGANIZE what you have.

Look -- I know that there are 50 billion ways to do this, so I'm going to give you my way. (Since you're readin', anyway...)

As I think I have mentioned before, one of your first "exercises" is to go through your house -- your car -- your desk -- your (name it), and touch EVERYTHING, throwing out ANYTHING that you don't "love." If you still "like" it or "might get a use for it," then put it in a bag, mark it with a date 3 months from now, and if you haven't missed it (be sure to staple the bag shut) -- off that bag goes to charity. OK? OK. (And I think I have mentioned having "swap parties" too with grrlfriends, where you all bring over whatever you are "getting rid of," with the promise to one another that anything that is NOT taken by the end of the party is GOING TO CHARITY -- even if you still "like" it, it's gotta go.)

The way that I organize is actually based on the ancient principles of feng shui.

Now, feng shui (pronounced 'Fung Shway') can be considered this great mystical thang. OK, fine, if you want to go that way, you go. That's not what I think. I think feng shui is a "memory device" for quickly finding things in our lives that can help us, in various areas, when we are in need.

Our homes are mirrors of ourselves. They can be sanctuaries for retreat; places of recharge and regeneration. To understand how to cleanse and clear the energies of your self, it is essential to understand that everything is composed of constantly changing energy, and that you are not separate from the world and energy around you. This means that all "things" in your life also have and hold that energy -- your house, your car, your bed.

When you step into a room ‘charged’ from an argument, you feel it. If you step into a room full of comforting and joyful things, you will get a similar energetic ‘charge.’ The energy that is invested in ‘things’ is powerful and important, and we can also train our brains to look for support by the way in which we order our world using techniques such as feng shui.

Feng shui believes that every area is made up of 9 quadrants, called the “bagua.” Simply placing the “bagua” map on the area you are considering, you have regions in that room (or desk, or home) that correspond to parts of your life. These 9 areas are stacked like a square, with the bottom of the square aligned with the entrance to/front of that room/home/area. The bottom 3 squares, from left to right, are (1) inner knowledge and self-realization; (2) career path in life; (3) helpful people; travel; spiritual guides. The middle 3 squares from left to right, are (1) family/ancestors/heritage; (2) health/chi energy (this corresponds to the “middle” of a room/home/desk/area); and (3) children; creativity; projects. The final “top” row of the square is (1) wealth, good fortune and abundance; (2) fame and self-expression or reputation (what you are “known for”), and (3) relationships, partnerships, and love/marriage.

Now don't think I have gone all "new age" on you. This is what I believe: I believe that by arranging your home, and each room, and even your desk, with these 9 quadrants in mind, you give your mind a place to “look to” if something is awry in one of the quadrant areas. For example, if you are having trouble with your James, by having positioned a wonderful picture of the two of you and some silly mementos on the “top right” of your desk, your mind will be trained to look there in times of partnership strain (the “top right” corresponding with the relationship area of the bagua). Similarly, if the “top rightmost” corner or room of your home is dedicated to relationship/ partnership, you have an area to examine and clean should this go awry for you. If you are feeling less than abundant, you might visit the “top left” corner or room of your house (which you set by imagining the squares "laid on top of” your house, from the roof). In this area, you will have placed items that speak to you of wealth and abundance -- because (as per the previous paragraph), the "bagua" for financial success/prosperty/etc. is in that "corner."

By being congruent in this way, you have an area to energetically ‘recharge your batteries’ in your house, and even in your office, and in each room of your house (starting from the entry door as the “bottom” of the bagua square). As you can imagine, this means that the wealth corner in the wealth room of your house is particularly important, as is the relationship corner of the relationship room, etc.

Your home is also comprised of millions of overlapping energy fields. For example, a chair alone has residual energy from the raw materials that made that chair (e.g., the “energy” of a California oak will be different than that of an English oak), energy from the craftspeople who worked on that chair, energy from former owners, and your own energy while sitting in that chair. This is not even to discuss the energy of the sun coming into your home, the energy of the home itself and its builders, or the residual energy from interactions that have taken place in your home.

This is important because you are not separate from your home. Your home is not just an extension of your thoughts and feelings and the energy of its furnishings and surroundings; in a larger sense, your home is You. “You” are no less your home than you are your body. Both are outer manifestations of your inner energy fields and Spirit – which is the true You. In the deepest sense, your home reflects and mirrors your consciousness. Just as your body is “symbolic” of your inner state, your home also reflects that state. Therefore, as you can imagine, you can shift personal energy by shifting energy in your home. For example, the windows are your eyes to the world around you – just the simple act of cleaning your windows, with the Intent of being able to “see your way” in life more clearly, will effect that clarity.

After you have cleared and harmonized your home, car, desk and the like, they can function both as a collecting and a transmitting point for energy. Your home can become a peaceful oasis for you, but almost more importantly, it can attract and radiate love and clarity out into the world, becoming a beacon that will in turn direct more love and clarity to you.

So, how do you go about it?
Preparation: Where Intention goes, energy flows. Your intention is very important. What is your overall Intention here? If your overall conscious and subconscious Intentions are aligned and are to instill an uplifting energy in the home for the betterment of the occupants and mankind – so it will be. If your overall Intention is to contribute to the vibrant health and well-being of the home’s occupants and thereby raise the energy of mankind – so it will be. Do you want to create an environment in which you can undertake the creative work you dream of? Or to create a warm social center where friends and family can gather to share hopes, laughter and tears? Take the time to clarify, define clearly, and write down your Intent. This is an essential step. This is similar to preparing the soil before you seed the ground. Your Intention will be instilled in your home at the time of the clearing, even if you are not constantly thinking about your Intent.

What specific results do you want for yourself and the other occupants of the home? After you have clarified your overall Intention, decide what immediate and specific results you want. For example, if your overall Intention is to generate a loving, creative energy in the home, a specific Intention might be to shift energy in the home so that you can write poetry easily and creatively. This specific goal could be further broken down into specific objectives. For example, you might decide that you need to create a beautiful work space separate from the normal living spaces of the rest of your home in which to do your writing. Or if your overall Intention is to create a social center for friends and family, then you might want to consider what specific elements your heart tells you will help bring that Intention into being. Is it a kitchen with a big oak table to sit around in a light-filled room, where you prepare meals with friends? Or everyone gathered together with glasses of wine and take-out, watching movies and enjoying a crackling fire? Think of your overall Intention as an aerial picture, and your specific intentions as focusing on your street, your house, the rooms inside, the furniture inside, the books and flowers on the tables, and so on. What “supports” your Intention?

What long-term results do you expect to achieve? It is important to know that, as energy is always flowing, clearing and arranging will not be a “one-time deal.” You can yourself clear, purify, and re-set the energy of your house in the manner you will learn during your re-alignment session, and we suggest that you set aside a time (for example, Friday evening after a wonderful bath) to re-clear your home and re-set your Intention every week. This will keep your energy and Intention focused and current.

When you consider long-term results, you want to consider results that will help to “concrete-ize” your Intention. For example, if your Overall Intention is a home that is abundant and prosperous, your specific intentions might be a financial increase at work, getting rid of objects in the house that make you feel poor (and specifically listing objects in the house that make you feel abundant so that we can focus on them during the session), or a specific intention might be living out a specific dream (like a luxury safari to Africa). The long-term results could be a continuing and growing feeling of expansiveness and always knowing that you have enough for all your needs to be met. Or, if your Overall Intention is to have a home that contributes to the spiritual development of all occupants, your specific intentions might be the creation of a beautiful meditation room area and an altar in your home, focusing on colors and objects in the home that elicit a spiritual or uplifting feeling, and daily private meditation times becoming part of your normal routine. Your long-term results might be that all members of the household have an increased sense of connection to their spiritual source, and all members feel more physically and spiritually vital and energetic.

It is important to remember that all things in our homes are given importance because of the energy that we have tied to them. You may have items in your home that were given to you and you don’t feel you “can give up” (or else you will “insult” the giver); you might have furniture that was given to you by an aunt who you hate but it is “good” furniture and you therefore don’t want to part with it. It is important to remember that the Universe can only fill your glass with new and beautiful gifts if there is room in the glass. By the sometimes difficult parting with personal items that do not resonate 100% with your Intention, you are giving the Universe the ability to replace these items with items that are 100% resonant. This leap of faith is critical if you are to lead a 100% energized and non-dissonant life.

And on that note -- my James just said he wants to take me to dinner and to go see MI-3 -- so I guess it's time to get changed and get goin'!

Who-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO - first trailers are UP

2006-05-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

http://movies.aol.com/movie/casino-royale-2006/18129/trailer (turn your sound up!)

http://commanderbond.net/Public/Stories/3216-1.shtml (what it's all about!)

This looks good too! (A book to order!)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/193377102X/ref=pd_cp_b_title/002-5994843-2700023?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155

YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What Up?

2006-05-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

So, this weekend was a pretty productive one -- we got the final "stuff" done on my house...and also found a renter for it. Well, there are a couple things to do, but it's more like "bring the ladder down because it didn't fit in the car," not "fix the watering system."

I walked the couple around the property and showed them all the trees, improvements, good spots, etc. My property manager had had 60 people show interest -- then she narrowed it down to about 5 couples, and I had met them (this couple was the last one). I had kinda decided on another couple before meeting these ones -- but these ones were definitely better.

It was funny, b/c my James was there while I was showing them around. He couldn't understand how I was spending like 2 hours doing this. But what happened was I showed them around for about an hour (there are a lot of trees, the hot tub, spa, watering system, etc. to talk about) -- and then we were standing there, and I had been saying "the tenant needs to do XYZ" and then they were saying things back like "We would totally take care of XYZ" and I finally turned to them and said "So, would you like to rent my house?" and they got all kinda teary-eyed -- the guy even -- saying "Are you saying you are going to pick us???" It's such a great place, it just takes a lot of work -- which my James is not interested in. He even told me they were a great choice, because with TWO people who love to garden, etc. it's a Paradise -- it was just too much for one (me) and he didn't want to take it on b/c he doesn't care for gardening and such.

So after I said yes, I had picked them, we went all around the property AGAIN because then they had questions. It was pretty funny. They were jumping out of their skin happy. It made me feel really really good. They were in their late 40s -- so a better choice that some of the other "younger ones" who have families or are planning families, etc -- they have "been there done that" and just want a place they can "stay and take care of for the next 20 years." Sounds good to me!

I am feeling good about that -- though I won't make my mortgage on the rent (I will wind up losing like $300/month or so), I feel it will be taken care of. I was really sad, but happy at the same time that they seem like good "stewards" of my property. As the roses have started to come out, I sent them home with about 100 roses and I brought some home, too.

My James' schizophrenic daughter is still in our house, and it's getting so old and wearing and awful. If he didn't hate it too, I might have stopped the rental process and just moved back to my house (especially as it's looking so FINE right now!) Her meds aren't working. The other day we saw a class action on the TV about the meds -- the dang class action lawyers sue on anything and then the doctors get scared to prescribe it -- and so now, she is seeing aliens, not able to work, etc. He said that he is going to talk with her doctor and that if it doesn't get fixed, that he's going to look into group homes or the like. But then he doesn't do it. I need him to do that. He knows it, but he just doesn't. And I don't want to do it -- because it's not my responsibility. I have enough going on for that.

This weekend I did a Passion Party -- there were like 6 girls that ordered, and it came out to about $100 each. So I made something like $200-300, not a ton, but as always, it was really fun.

I am feeling somewhat like my life is getting ordered -- when the house gets rented, that will be a big $$$ off my back. Now just to get my car back, and I will feel like things are moving in the right direction!

OK, off to work. It's been gorgeous here and I gotta also start getting back into working out e.g., running or walking outside. I'm doing the Pilates and strength training with a gal at the gym (WOAH is she gorgeous, what a role model), but that's not enough. Gotta get rid of the belly that is for sure! I put on some shorts for working at the house this weekend -- Whew, not pretty!

Humor

2006-05-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

It's always good to remember to TRY to diffuse a situation with Humor.

I sent out one of those horrible email things today -- because of having such a bad week -- you know, one of those Prayers to St Theresa where you need to send it on to 12 people within the next 5 minutes or your prayer won't come true (you know the one). Anyway -- I sent one to a gal who wrote me back that ~I~ of all people was intelligent, educated, blah blah blah and should KNOW BETTER than to do that.

I wrote her back that actually, I thought that intelligence and education and the like often got in the way -- that really if one believed a bit more in prayer and was a little more in the Heart versus in the Head, it might do everyone some good. (I said it nicer than that, but that was the jist.)

She wrote back (still with a "head of steam on") that THAT wasn't her deal, of COURSE prayer is great "if you believe in it," but what SHE objected to was the twelve people part, etc. She went on a good bit.

I thought about it, and deleted it (first). Then, I sent back an email that just said "Hey, how do you know? 12 might be St Theresa's lucky number...?"

She sent me back one of those emails that was just "laughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaugh." And I knew I ~had~ made her laugh, too.

So she'd gone from being up and snooty and such on me and "people" who 'send these things' to -- blam! -- diffused.

Good stuff, huh?

A Few "James" Comments

2006-05-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

I was reading Cosmo the other day (Hey, a grrl's gotta do what a grrl's gotta do in a waiting room at the auto body shop -- I'm lucky it wasn't Road and Track), and there was an article on basically what "Sex Goddesses" have that us Mere Mortals do not have. There were a ton of "tricks," but there were 3 things that are things MY James says to me all the time, and really work with him. These 3, I thought I would share -- because they are very Bond Grrl.

1. Use His Name. OK, we all know from the Bond movies -- the "oh JAMES....." from the Bond Grrl who has definitely had a Nice Time Of It shall we say! But my James is all about this. When I say his name -- not Honey, but his actual given name -- he LOVES it. It's really funny -- when he uses MY name, I find it really jarring. I like "pet names" better -- I find being called by my name to be kinda "ick" especially in Sensual Situations. (Hey, probably b/c I am being Ms Solitaire and when you say "MyRealName" then "Solitaire" is all -- huh? Oh Gawd, not HER (laugh).) ANYWAY, the article says that when you use his name, it reminds everyone that he "beat out the competition" on you. Honest -- I would not have listed this hear, if it wasn't the one thing that totally rocks my James. So there has to be something to this. As the article said tho, you can't use it all the time -- the deal is to sort of "drop it in" here and there. Men dig it. Strange.

2. Tell him less -- he'll want you more. OK this is SO what I have been saying for months! You don't want to Tell It All to your James. They don't care about the specifics. They don't care about the stories (unless of course you're telling them about how hot you told your grrls he was (smile)). They don't care about the details. Details are a GRRL THING not a GUY THING. They are not wired this way. Grrls want to know what color the waitress in your story was wearing -- they really do! Your James doesn't even want to know there WAS a waitress, or you were in a restaurant, or that you were with your GrrlGang, or....you get the picture. Reader's Digest Version. At Best. The Cosmo was saying that the deal here is that if he asks what you were up to, you say "Oh, just out with my grrls" and STOP. If he asks, don't be all "coy" or anything -- just give as LITTLE AS YOU CAN without being a b*tch about it. When he has enough info, he will STOP ASKING and then....duh grrl....STOP TALKING. Don't be all snitty that he didn't "ask you more" about it. It's not that he doesn't care. It's that men get full-up on details so so SO FAST. Listen to HIS stories to YOU. They are all about the Verbs. Women talk all about the Adjectives. In other words, you and your grrls are about the "atmosphere" -- the "she was ugly/wearing yellow/talking loud/driving fast when she..." whereas a James is all about the "she was DRIVING FAST when she...." See? This is all, I believe, chemical. Back when, they had to go out and hunt, and be quiet, and sit in trees for hours waiting for game, shhhhh. WE were back, taking care of the kids, picking berries, and being LOUD and talking to scare AWAY the game. Get it? So save the details for your grrls. Don't "be mysterious" -- give me a break. That's such a game. Just play to the chemistry!

3. Compliment him right away on something -- or at least once a day on something. And DO NOT EXPECT IT BACK SISTAH. Remember -- you're about the Adjectives (you SEE THINGS). He doesn't, really. It takes a Big Change (like, you shave your hair off) to get a reaction b/c they really aren't made that way. Just wait for your Grrls to tell you DANG that DRESS IS GOOD ON YOU! Get it from them. But (as the Cosmo said, which totally cracked me up), your James is not EVER saying to you "Hon, does this shirt make my pecs look flat?" (OK, did that make you laugh? It made me laugh.) We do it all the time with clothes, etc. to our James and he is screwed with whatever the answer is (if it's Yes you're going to be pissed even tho that thing shouldn't be in your closet if the answer is Yes and you know it even in the back of your mind -- if he says No and you think it's Yes, you think that he's an idiot. Face it you know I'm right.) SO ANYWAY -- the deal is that a James will NOT FISH for compliments. That's why it's up to you to GIVE them -- b/c his boys will NOT. (That puts them in a "one down" position.) They might if it's a nice jump shot that helped them win the game -- but that's about all.

OK? OK.

What a Week....

2006-05-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

I had the worst week of my life last week -- a deer came barrelling down our court from a steep hill to the side of our neighbors' house, and instead of hitting the deer (NOTE: HIT THE DEER, it's only a comp claim on your insurance), I swerved and hit the neighbor's BMW. 15 MPH is still HARD....cars definitely Are Hurt, airbags off, the whole thang. Sigh. And the neighbor's not Mr. Nice either -- turns out, too, that day he had found out he has prostate cancer, which is now my fault of course.

Next day, my James dropped my notebook computer (which is my life) -- frying the motherboard -- so now the screen and wireless card don't work. (Thank goodness for Dell In-Home Tech Support.)

Then finally, I decided to up my rates in my law practice (to try to give me a little bandwidth to have more time for my fEmpowerment biz) and my biggest (e.g., "pays the mortgage") client said "nope." (We're talking a small raise, when I haven't raised the rates in 4 years.) Yikes. So I blew that all away last night at S-Factor pole dancing -- and releasing my "Inner Bond Grrl" to come and just take me away!

Away with you, bad energy! Away! Away!

I am behind on reading posts -- I see that Mica has like 4 that she's made in the last week and I haven't even been able to read them. (Of course, not being able to use my notebook at a cafe, etc. -- having to be wired to Life Support here at home makes it a little harder (smile).) Gotta catch back up.

I spoke with a very wise woman -- Susan Bird, who is one of my trainers at fEmpowerment. One GOOD thing that happened last week is that spurious ("unfounded") lawsuit against me settled -- yes, they got some of my $, but the deal basically is that if you go to court, it will cost you BANK in lawyer fees, agony, etc. -- and you might LOSE. So -- pay, go, and blow it out of your energy field, that's basically what my lawyer said.

But this has been going on nearly two YEARS. and what Susan said to me is that the problem is when you "obsess" about stuff that is NOT joyful/good energy, you "magnetize" things to you that "match" the energy you are giving off. (I have talked about this in a previous post.) So, tho the lawsuit settled, the problem was, with that out of the way, all the "crap energy" I have been generating against the guy suing me, against the system, fear, etc. (hard not to) "pulled in" stuff that was equally "bad energy." Hence -- once that lawsuit was over, BANG I get hit by some SERIOUS crap bang-bang-bang.

Susan said that this was The Universe/God/The Big "Is" showing me that this is what it's all about -- magnetism. You Get What You Think. You Get What You FEEEEEEL. If you are FEELING angry, fearful, vengeful, etc. -- you're drawing that to you like a magnet. You become a "tuning fork" for that energy. As a kid, did you ever do that science experiment with "tuning forks"? That if you start one going and have a few next to it, if one is the same "tone," it will just start resonating too, even tho you never touched it? That's what this is all about -- illustrated graphically. If you are "resonating" on revenge, or what you're going to "do to her" who "did to you," or you are with a James who is keeping you in fear or keeping you in a stomach knot, this is all I have to say to you. I am living proof, Grrrrrls. You are drawing to you other things "attuned" to that same energy you are giving off. So when that James is out of your life, or you stop being vengeful, IT WILL NOT STOP. You have put that stuff in the pipeline, and you're going to reap the "benefits" of your energy for a while until it clears OUT.

I am no New-Age, Woo-Woo Grrl. But let me tell you. I just had this graphically demonstrated to me.

So what's it mean to you? Set aside that time I said a long time ago -- even if it's 10 minutes a day -- and concentrate on "Kittens and Puppies." Get yourself to FEEEEEL great! Do that Inner Visioning of you in your Gorgeous Bond Grrl life. Don't cut it back! Dream Dream Dream -- Go! If you don't put yourself in this place EVERY SINGLE DAY, at least part of the day, and your day is made up of Go Go, Frustration, Hit My Head On The Wall, Pissed Off, Get The Kids, Hate My Boss-ness, well Grrl, that's what you will GET MORE OF. Sorry, but it's true. You get what you "resonate" and that is a FACT that I have just learned.

Let me give you one more tidbit of this. Susan worked with me on Monday. She does hypnotherapy -- in fact, she does CDs, where she finds out where you feel you would like to "go" in a hypnosis -- e.g., beach, desert, mountain, etc.), and what you want to "work on," and then she does it for you so you have it for your "time" each day -- personalized to you (let me know if you want her number (smile). She works with you to just raise that energy, so you're "resonating," at least for that period you're listening to that CD (and it should be EVERY day -- she can make them so you can do it in the car e.g. don't have to be lying down, or if you want, to do at home/quiet) -- for that period, you are "resonating" your inner Bond grrl, your awesome life, etc. You "break" the "chain" of the Bads. So we worked on me on Monday, and I absolutely no joke thought "this is not going to work" BUT -- while doing it -- I concentrated on feeling that it WILL WORK. (That "be in the Now, give up the How.")

So what did I find in my email this morning? That client that said You Are Cut Off No More...sent me 2 contracts to review. I had given up my fear of that yesterday specifically -- because I almost have my house rented out, etc. and I was thinking "you know, heck, this will give me more time for the fEmpowerment biz...if I don't have the mortgage, etc. I will have more time, and don't "need so much" $." Let it go and....in it comes. Weird, huh?

I am also driving a friend's car, while mine is getting fixed. It's a beater, and really slow. And a stick shift. You know what it's making me do? SLOW DOWN. (Driving this car at 55 is like taking my life in my hands (laugh) -- but it's free, no rental fee!) In my big car that my James got me, it's an SUV (yeah don't bust my chops on the gas guzzler bit -- it had to fit my dog and my massage table for going offsite to clients), and I can go like 80 and still be filing my nails, talking on the phone, daydreaming.....ok that is not good. This is bringing me back into Focus.

Last thing. Have you read Gayle Sheehy's new book? (I think that's her name.) She wrote "Passages." Another grrlfriend is reading it, and if you are in your sort of 40s range, it's a MUST. I have to get it. She was reading parts of it to me last night -- she's on the part about Passion Parties (which of course I do, as part of the fEmpowerment classes -- in fact I have one coming up on Friday). It's a book about women and sex -- and taking that area into your own hands, grrls.

Which, of course, is all about what being a Bond Grrl is all about!

Late'ah -- hopefully next week I will have enough time to Catch Up!

Solitaire, Resonating Madly On The Higher Good

"Musicality"

2006-04-18T13:54:00.000-07:00

Woah. We just got back from our ballroom dancing lesson (I am really contemplating -- yeah OK among my other things) adding competitive ballroom as maybe Dream C along the line...

ANYWAY -- our teacher was talking about "Musicality" -- which is really making the dance work "to" the music. He pointed us to this website to watch a really amazing "clip" that shows "Musicality" in a very big way . . . it's 4 minutes, but well worth it. WOW...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776181634656145640

Solitaire

Ready....Fire....Aim!

2006-04-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I meant that.

How many of us live our lives like this? I ask you.

You get prepared to do something. Ready.

Then you Fire -- and your shot goes way off target.

And so then you Aim....and get a little closer....and a little closer...

Howcome we work this way, instead of the Ready, Aim, Fire way?

Because getting Ready is action. And Firing is action. And Aiming is -- calm, breathe, think, "internal" action (read: inaction).

But it's such a crucial step.

So when you're looking at your Dreams, get yourself ready....clean out your closets, throw out your old makeup, match up your clothes...get "Ready" for your Inner Bond Grrl. BUT...before you Fire -- before you step on out "TA DA HERE I AM" -- Aim.

Take a look at where you want to be, get a bead on it, think about it, breathe, be calm. You're aiming to be a sniper, knock down that Dream the first time. Not take an unaimed pot-shot at it, which is going to make it jump up and run further away like a little Bunny!

I know -- I know -- I must be pre-coffee because this analogy is working for me and you are probably going -- (love this from ...Harpo's... blog) "doing the Scooby face" -- "Rrrrrrhuh???"

Never mind...

+++++++++++++++++

So what I came here to talk a bit about was in giving someone else advice.

Again, this was brought to my mind by ...Harpo...'s blog. She was talking about when one is called upon to give advice.

Often, your friends look at you, and think of you as a strong mentor, to give them advice.

And we do it -- because we know exactly the right remedy.

You can "fix" it. You are brilliant!

The thing is, that if you give that advice, it gets heard....it doesn't get "embodied." And that person nods their head -- and goes along the path they were on before your brilliant revelation. So how to get around this?

We have all had a teacher that PAINFULLY made us go about finding out the answer ourselves -- right? Where we had to push thru our Duh-ness to come to that flash of insight ourselves?

Well, that's how it's done. Sometimes there isn't time of course -- but as a coach (or a friend), that's the best way to get someone to really "hear" you -- by having "your idea" come out of "their mouth."

Once it comes out of their mouth, they will "own it." It will be "their" idea -- and they will move on it quickly.

It takes some time, finesse, and all that good stuff on YOUR part, but it's well worth it, if you care for that person. I admit to not being so finesse-ful often -- because of the lack of time usually. I just say "Hey, why don't you try this out" and give them the whole picture. But it's just NEVER as successful as if I take the time, and we "walk around" the issue, and the "solution" comes out of their mouths.

OK time for coffee. How I can drag my sorry behind out of bed at 5:30 to go to Pilates is beyond me. My James doesn't even budge. OK sometimes he does when I accidentally kick him when getting out of bed (grin). Then he says "You are SO BRAVE." Yah that's me. :-)

Too Fun To Read: ...Harpo's... blog

2006-04-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

Now I'm totally curious how the Miss found me. GREAT fun to read -- loved the post about men. Also just read re June Pointer dying -- DANG. She was the youngest, too! And ~yes~ I loved their music -- I'm way older than ANY of you -- especially "I'm So Excited" -- I remember living in D.C., blasting that out of the little crappy speakers in my Ford Escort, just thinking I was THE thing..........

...Harpo... is in Norfolk -- where I was born. My Dad was in the Army, working down there, but when I was supposed to be born was supposed to be a hurricane, so they told my dad to get my mom into the Navy base. Good thing too, because if they hadn't gone (Mom, of course, didn't want to go, she was "too busy boarding up the windows" -- that's my mom...) -- if they hadn't gone, I would have been born in a halftrack!

...Harpo.... is also a Marine. You go grrl. I was at Quantico when I blew out my knees -- that was Desert "Shield" (before it was Desert "Storm"). Was leading my fire team in a live fire drill, crawling through this concrete conduit for a good long way, tried to get up and...um, nope. My kneecaps had swollen up so good, they had "fused" to my bone, and then scored the inside of the kneecap. Youch. I remember my lieutenant just LIGHTING into me, about how "in a real combat situation" I would be leaving my team to die, "Get UP, Lead your TEAM." I got up...I led my team....I came back over, saluted, asked to be excused to see the medic "Ma'am Yes Ma'am"...and off I went to Bethesda....whew, that was a long time ago.

Mem'ries!

Copper Wire Analogy

2006-04-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

I found out the coolest thing today. I went out to lunch with an old boss of mine (who is trying to entice me away to basically take over his empire -- definitely tempting, believe you me). He is going to Stanford right now, doing their (I think) PhD program in Business. And he said he learned something in a class the other day that he shared with me -- and I wanted to share with you.

Apparently, if you take a fairly thick piece of copper wire and you bend it in 1/2, it's not that hard. But if you try to bend it back -- it's VERY hard.

That's because the process of bending the copper actually changes the molecular structure of the copper -- and it becomes stronger.

I think there is an analogy here to life, don't you? That "get bent, don't break, get stronger" thing?

Yeah, I thought so :-)

A few more thoughts for today.

2006-04-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

The great become great because they have talent, yes -- but more because they work on it every single day. Take someone like Tiger Woods -- he had talent as a youngster clockin' that golf ball -- but he goes out EVERY SINGLE DAY and practices.

This is so important. In finding your Inner Bond Grrl, your Path To Passion...you are NOT GOING TO BE A PRO the day after you make your decision!

Let's put it in perspective here. You decide that you want to play the piano. So, the next day, you can sit down and jam out Mozart? Um....no. It's going to take some EFFORT on your part - and practice. Just time put into it, doing scales, doing what it takes to reach your goal.

So that's part of this, too. That's why it's so important than in fleshing out your dreams, and figuring out what is Dream A, top of your heap, that you also think a bit about what it's going to take to get there.

If you have a flash dream that you want to be a concert pianist, is it that you want to "live the life" of a concert pianist (or author, or artist, or...?) -- like a genie just BLAM giving that to you and all the ability -- or are you willing to put the time in each and every day to GET there because piano is your passion?

See the difference?

Often our "dreams" are, like I said before, the Bling and the Merc' and the House and the Stuff. But does this dream have a "blam, the genie gave it to me" quality to it? Or is there an inkling of "yeah, I am totally willing to put in what it takes to get there"?

I'm not talking about your coming up with the "How," now. Don't think that. But let's say that you decide that you want to be....a successful real estate agent, like these gals in this training seminar. Are you willing to write some cards, check out Open Houses, getting interested in the market, etc.? Or are you just seeing the truck back up to your door with the cash?

Think of some steps to get where you're going -- but also remember each night to "give the How up" to Grandma/The Universe/Jesus/etc. Do those daily things that you know are going to work you towards your success -- that are the steps you know towards your Path to Passion. You do have to do that. But you also don't want to have blinders on.

Someone once told me something that I think is really true. That to a large extent, how long something takes is based upon how long we THINK it is going to take. If you THINK that it's going to take 10 years for you to get some goal -- well then, it will. Because you are going to somehow parse your effort out over those 10 years, and at the end -- well, self-fulfilling prophecy. BUT, if you think it's going to take 10 MONTHS (if you have that urgency), you would smoosh together all those actions you know and steps you know to take, and -- though you might be panting at the end! -- it WILL take 10 months (OK or you might die trying...joke! joke!)

I have just a couple other things to say on this subject. A wise man (I think it was my father) once told me that "The difference between a success and a failure is that the successful person gets up one more time from being knocked down than the failure does." In other words -- you're going to make mistakes. There will be some setbacks. But if you do NOT make mistakes -- you're not doing anything. Mistakes are part of the learning process (don't you hate it when people say that? But it's true) Without mistakes, it means you're staying on some well-worn, tried and true path, and there is no risk. If there is no risk, there is no urgency. If there is no urgency, there is no change.

Remember, also, that it's all good and well to hear something. If you hear it (or read it), you might learn it. But to actually UNDERSTAND it, you must EMBODY it. This means that saying that you're going to do something, or be something, is all well and good, but then not DOING that thing means you will never get it into your body -- you will never really "embody" whatever that is.

Think of the golf example. You could read all about the perfect curve of the "magic" swing, all the rules of the game, and all that -- but if you don't pick up a club, what then? And believe you me, if you don't think you're going to shank a few balls...come on now, Tiger shanks them all the time! But each slice means a learning. Each mistake means a course correction. But not getting out on the course doesn't make you a golfer. It makes you a talker.

Some of this is going to be new to you -- and none of us is great at something "new" right away. (You know that's true.) But you have to trust in yourxelf, and trust in the process. You need to pick yourself up that one extra time, the time that separates you from the pack.

Believe in yourself. I do.

That Magic Voice...

2006-04-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

I'm actually doing some training with real estate agents this week. I just had a great experience, that I would like to share.

One of the gals who is bright, eager, and "rarin' to go" is 23 years old. She has a very girlie voice, and wants to come off competent on her outgoing message. So she had me listen to it.

She does indeed have a "girlie" voice -- and she definitely sounds 23 on her message. So we went through finding her "authentic voice."

I made her read some real estate listings, until her she could hold her hand on her chest, and feel her voice coming from "that part of her." She (like everyone!) laughed a lot doing it...but when she "found that voice" -- wow! She sounded 30. And that's the key for her -- she is just starting her career...she wants that outgoing message to sound competent and confident.

To find that authentic voice, just talk. But feel where your voice is "coming from -- it's probably coming from your nose/sinus area, or your throat. Not from your chest. So practice reading, and getting your voice down...down...down into your chest. You'll also find that as there is less air supporting your voice, that you have to talk slower, and you won't talk as loud. This is good.

Once you find it, listen to it. Don't she sound awesome? Finding your authentic voice, you're going to not only sound a little sensual (hey, that's not bad!), but competent, slow, relaxed, reliable.

Give it a try...see where your voice is coming from. And then use it. If you're in a crowded restaurant, don't "shout to be heard" -- heck, make them lean forward to hear what you say. It will make you choose more carefully. Stay in that voice -- and see how much closer just that alone moves you towards your Inner Bond Grrl.

About that Dream...

2006-04-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

I heard Barbara Sher talk once, about people who want to "give up their life" for their "dream." It was a great great talk -- if you can ever see Barbara Sher (she's on Public TV a lot), don't miss her.

To paraphrase what she said, people often will say "I'm going to give up my life as a business executive, because I have always wanted to..." (big dramatic pause) "...be an ARTIST."

I actually had a friend who did this. He was supposed to be in the World Trade Center on September 11th -- his law firm was in there. His boyfriend -- who never saw him (my friend was a big hot-shot lawyer) -- MADE him stay at home for breakfast that day.

The night before, they had taken a photo (no joke, it has a digital stamp of "September 10th" on the corner) of the World Trade Center -- because they could see it on their roof. A gorgeous photo, on a clear crystal night.

The next day, over breakfast, they watched the planes come in.

My friend gave up his job, and did what he had always "wanted to do" -- become a photographer. "Life was too short," you know how it goes. He actually even started a company, to try to get more money to photographers and digital artists for their works, stuff like that. Very awesome and noble.

So what's he doing now?

He went through all his savings...and he's back being a lawyer. I have lost contact with him -- but my guess is he's not a little bitter....

This isn't a Cinderella story -- and that was Barbara Sher's moral. If you are going to make a "big life change" -- it's MUCH BETTER to make it in little changes. In her story -- the executive becoming the artist -- she said that if this is what you want to do, then rent the "garret studio" -- and spend a portion of your day there, and paint. Do it. Take a sabbatical. Whatever. But if you make a big "break" -- you're often jumping out of that plane without a parachute.

If the painting thing "works" -- if people buy your stuff, and you ultimately wind up being able to potentially support yourself -- HEY! Quit the other job! But don't do the "Cold Turkey" thing -- not good.

You need to try your Dreams on -- because you need to really see what is a Passion -- and what in fact is just a "daydream."

You might Dream about a family and 2.5 kids -- maybe it's time to go work at the daycare in your gym for a little while, to be sure that you're REEEEALLY ready. Or you dream about having an awesome garden (this was my dream....oy) and don't really REALIZE what the water systems/weeds/pruning/etc. is all about (WHAT A MISTAKE!)

SO try on your Dream -- and when you realize YES YES YES that's for me! -- go a little further...and a little further. That's your Path To Passion!

Solitaire

In Answer to the Comment This Morning From "...Harpo..." About Delivering Up The HOW

2006-04-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

Hey Grrl!

This is the key, my friend. The HOW is not up to you. Your responsibility is to get that Dream as tasty as possible -- and to have real emotion behind it. Yeah yeah sure we all wish we were rollin' in the Bling and driving the Mercedes to our mansion...or do we? I can't get a lot of emotion around that. I ~can~ get a lot of emotion around the idea of doing a Bond Grrl Makeover on Oprah's audience (big grin) -- that makes me feel AWESOME! I just dream and dream and dream on that one! Or being strong and fit enough to walk so long my DOG gets tired (he is always disappointed with me (smile).)

Once you get the juicy Dream goin', and it's attached to your emotions (KEY!), so you can FEEL it in your heart, in your STOMACH, then Deliver It "Up." The HOW is not up to you.

In fact, if you THINK the "how" is up to you -- listen here now, serious, listen...if you think that...You Are Going To MISS IT. If you think that the "How" is up to you, you will decide it goes down a certain path . . . and you will totally MISS the path that your Grandmother/Jesus/God/Buddha/The Universe throws in front of your feet. Because you're only looking for the path YOU decided is "The Way."

If you're open and completely give up the HOW, you will look for any little thread of path in front of you, not be focussed on "the path that you decided on."

Swear.

And guess what? You'll find it SO MUCH QUICKER. Stay focussed in the NOW (keep your Dream juicy, and your eyes wide open for the path), and give up the HOW.

GREAT hearing from you grrlfriend!

How are you getting on your Path To Passion(TM)???

2006-04-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

What are your steps to getting to your Path To Passion(TM)? Don't forget...as a Bond Grrl, you want to be PASSIONATE about what you are doing. Bond Grrls don't dog it out in dead end jobs...!

Are you active or passive when it comes to your passion? (Do you believe that your life will be exciting and fulfilling -- and spend time visualizing how great it will/can be -- or are you "waiting for life to happen to you"?)

So let's talk about how to get on that Path To Passion(TM)!

1. Detail What You Want. We have talked about this before -- you have to be able to visualize what you want -- smell it, taste it, see it, hear it. Details Details! If there were no "speed bumps" to your success, what would you do? Where would you be? DREAM! That is your first order of business. Better yet -- dialog with a coach, someone who will be excited about where you're going on your path.

2. Examine Your Life. How does this dream match with your current reality? And how can you "smoosh" them together? I read something the other day that was a suggestion by a life coach -- she said that if you feel dead-ended in a job, to try to take what you are doing, and just do what you are doing "closer" to your passion. Her example was if you're an accountant, and you want to be a rock star, to become an accountant in the music industry. (My high school boyfriend actually did just this!) You don't have to throw everything up in the air and start over -- because that's a good way to fall flat on your face :-) I remember also hearing an analogy once about "quitting everything and going to pursue your passion" -- the gal analogized this to jumping out of an airplane without a parachute, assuming that everything would be OK. Splat!

So who can help you get yourself on your Path To Passion(TM)? Who do you need to help you "magnetize" this into your life? Don't forget -- hold fast to your dreams, and don't spill them to ANYONE who might beat you down. Only share with people who are going to be as supportive of them and your success as possible! As for the others...just let them wonder why it is that you have a little smile on your face like a cat drinking cream!

You also want to think about what you want, and why you want it...not how you are going to get it. "How" is going to present itself to you, as you move towards your goals -- your Path To Passion (TM) will open up. You need to concern yourself about detailing the "what" -- and feeling the emotion behind the "why." Then, every night before you go to bed (I do this, no joke), you say to God/Jesus/The Universe/The Virgin Mary/Your Grandmother In Heaven: "I am delivering up this dream to you -- you do the HOW, I will stay committed and excited in the NOW."

3. Come Up With A Gameplan. Often, this is where a coach can really help. You need to have steps (baby steps are good!) towards reaching your goal, and a timeframe. What are you going to do today? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? I have found (myself!) that if I have a coach I have to "report to" (whom I am paying!) I want to be sure to "get my money's worth" from her -- meaning, I do the things I said I would, because I am paying her to keep tabs on me! :-)

4. Plan Your Work -- and Work Your Plan. This means actually DOING the goals that you put in your game plan. Keep moving forward -- and if you don't get to something on your list, you need to re-evaluate, and see whether you need to make time from other areas, etc. to get on your Path To Passion(TM). Also, you need to make sure you're really emotionally fired up about whatever it is. Let me give you an example. Right now, I need to lose 10 pounds. Am I working on it? Yeah....kinda. (And I just had 1/2 a donut from the kitchen at the office, too. Bad grrl.) But when I was going to do a strip dance for my then-boyfriend, now-fiance, YOU BET I was in the gym, making room for it out of ALL other time in my week. I wanted to be HOT (and I sure was). I am not so emotionally 'tied' to losing that weight right this second -- but in about a month, when the wedding dress gal gives me a call that it's "fitting time" -- whoa, doggie! Keep your goals and priorities -- and what you're aiming for -- in front of your eyes, and also keep your emotions committed to that goal!

5. Once you Get Your Goal -- Plan The Next! Try not to dilute your focus on your first goal by thinking about another and another -- be focused on that one, get it, then move on to Dream B. :-) Make sure you keep your Dream Pipeline full -- you don't want to reach your goal and do one of those "OH, my life is so EMPTY" things (back of your hand to your forehead) -- always have Dream B and C and D...but just give them enough energy to keep them from drooping -- get Dream A first, then move the rest up the line.

Go get'em!

Choose Your Image...Choose Your Name.

2006-04-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

We all have names that we were born with. Names that have managed to accumulate a LOT of "baggage" throughout our years. If you wonder what I mean, can't you hear your Mom shouting at you, using your "full name" or maybe your first name AND your middle name? Ohhhh, bad things were comin' down.... :-)

As you become fEmpowered, you are choosing your image -- you are choosing what parts of you you love and want to keep, and what parts you want to fade away. You are going to adopt things that you like from other people, just to "try them on."

One of the best ways to try on that image is to come up with your Bond Grrl name. Now, my Bond Grrl name happens to be Solitaire -- NOT because that's the name of an actual Bond Grrl. (I don't particularly care for the Solitaire character, personally, though it's kinda hard to adopt "Pussy Galore" or "Christmas Jones" (smile).) You want to pick a name that addresses one of your "issues."

How's that?

Well, in my life, I am almost obsessed about doing for others. That's what I think I was put here for -- to help others out. As a corollary to this, I often find that I am looking to other people for approval, instead of looking inside.

This is one of the things that I wanted to change in my Bond Grrl image -- I wanted to be more solid just "unto myself." And so, the name Solitaire -- Solitaire plays the game for her own enjoyment, NOT for (or with) anyone else.

This might not be the best name for you, of course, if you're kinda a loner! You might want a name like Poker (joke! joke! just kidding!).

As an example, one gal in one of the seminars chose the name "Bubbles," because she felt that she was way too serious. (She looked very serious, kind of "broody" -- and when she was called Bubbles it made everyone laugh -- even her. Nice choice.) Another gal, who was very "giggly" and was afraid that would come out if she were to do any sensual dancing for her husband, picked the name "Sultry" -- because if you're sultry, you are NOT giggly.

You get the idea -- pick something that works for how you "want" to be.

And . . . another thing to remember is that it's not all "cast in stone." My first name, in fact, was Sheena -- but that was a little too 'queen of the jungle' for the personality that I was aiming for. My Mom's Bond Grrl name is Nicole -- after Nicole Kidman, who she believes to be the most glamorous, poised woman she has ever seen. (My mom is kinda bouncy and cheerleader-y (think Meg Ryan in her movies like that); she wants her Bond Grrl persona to be more "Nicole-ish." I'm not sure what Dad thinks about this...or if she's willing, after 50 years of marriage, to try it out on him! (smile).)

So, what's your image -- what's your name? Time to think about it ... Vixen? Sultry? Lavender? Honey? Sophia? Let's start drawing her out by...naming her.

Daydream Believer...

2006-04-10T17:42:00.000-07:00

I get an email called the "Coaching Compass" about once a week. The one I just read was talking about visualizing your success.

Research into the brain and the mind/body connection has stated that our minds actually can't tell the difference between a "real" occurrence, and one that has been fully imagined. (Have you seen the movie 'What The Bleep Do We Know?' This is gone into in detail in that move.)

The whole idea is that if you have truly, viscerally and sens-ually lived an experience (e.g., you can taste it, smell it, etc.), then your brain actually categorizes it as an experience it has HAD.

The Coaching Compass stated this:

" Picture this... Liu Chi Kung, a world-class pianist in the late 1950's, was imprisoned during the Cultural Revolution in China. After seven years without a piano, he immediately resumed his concert tour. His fans said he played better than ever and wondered how this was possible. Kung said, 'I rehearsed every piece I had ever played, note by note, in my mind.'

Mental rehearsal, or the process of visualization, can give you a competitive edge. Olympic athletes have used it in training for years and it works not only in sports but for every goal you set."

So, what are you visualizing before that important presentation, or even for overcoming the challenges you are facing? Are you rehearsing a Mental Masterpiece? Or obsessing over all the things that can go wrong?

Just remember -- your brain doesn't know that you didn't succeed "already." So practice thinking for success -- thinking to win -- and make it easier on your brain to think of You as a winner!

Sherri's Ranch

2006-04-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

I was telling a business colleague the other day about the whole fEmpowerment "schtick." This is a guy that I know through a business networking group, who was talking to me about basically why I am not building my law business (and why I won't agree to be on the Board of this networking group). I said in short (a) I am not building the law biz because I'm being unjustly sued and I don't want that to ever happen again and I'm a chicken and (b) I don't want to be on the Board because I have to save my time and energy for things that are going to give me an ROI, and I don't see the return on the investment of my time by being on the board, especially as my real "passion" is the fEmpowerment biz.

Which he knew nothing about.

I took great pleasure in dropping the "while I'm at pole dancing classes..." into the conversation, too. (big smile)

In chatting about the whole concept, he said "you've never been excited like this about anything, as far as I have known you." That is true. I just love the whole fEmpowerment "thing." He asked more questions about what it could lead to, and I said the book (duh) but also a workbook, and also seminars and travel-related workshops for women who want to explore "becoming a Bond grrl"/fEmpowerment.

Then I told him about our trip 2 years ago to Vegas, to "check out the viability" of a "Vegas 101" long weekend for attendees. The idea of it was that, for about $10,000, women would be flown in and put up at a hotel on the strip (e.g., like the Bellagio), and have "assignments" during that time (e.g., full immersion in the "Bond Grrl experience"). I fantasized about having a suite, and then having classes for the "select dozen women" who had decided to come -- e.g., mixology, walking, talking, etc. Then, we (my fellow Bond Grrl Domino and I) checked out all sorts of great things -- the ability for one of the "pit bosses" to teach everyone how to play chemin de fer/Baccarat and craps or roulette (of course, during a "down time" at the casino like noon, and in a private room)....a driving school where you start in a BMW Z Roadster and wind up in a Formula 1 racecar....a defense academy where you learn the basics of self defense, and how to shoot a myriad of weapons....and then, the best part....Sherri's Ranch.

This is the story. Domino and I decided that we would want a "professional courtesan" to come to the Bellagio (or wherever we had the "suite") and discuss, basically, Sex, with the attendees. (Since sex is definitely a Bond Grrl Must!) The closest "legal prostitution" to Vegas is a small town about 90 miles away called Pahrump. (Yeah, pronounced just like it looks.) We couldn't get anyone to chat with us on the phone about it (surprise surprise), so we decided to drive on out to Pahrump.

Well, it turns out that all the "bordellos" are along one strip. We were driving this Lincoln Towncar (that's all they'd had at the rental agency), and there we are driving down the road, realizing that all the OTHER cars driving down the road (100% filled with....guess what, men) were -- well, going to do what they were going to do. And if we would pass a car, or pull up at a light, of course, they would look at us, and WE knew what THEY thought that WE did for a living. (We actually found this pretty funny.)

So, we drove up first to The Chicken Ranch. It was featured in Dolly Parton's movie "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." It's kinda a sad place, I have to report. It is basically a bunch of trailers, that have a "false front" that looks like a 2-story sort of Southern mansion. We pulled up in the parking lot -- and couldn't get out of the car. We couldn't figure out what we were going to ask. It was really funny. We had spoken to all the other business owners at the driving academy, self-defense school, casino, etc. about our idea of a "Vegas 101," but we really hadn't formed what we were going to even ~say~ here. We just sat there.

Well, there we were in the parking lot, and we looked up (basically) at the next (and last) place on the Pahrump "strip." It was called Sherri's Ranch. It had a huge sign, and it was a nice, clean, BIG sort of mansion-looking building. Under the Sherri's Ranch sign, it said "Tours Welcome."

We just looked at one another. Tours? What the heck -- that was our call.

So we pulled over into their parking lot, and we were cooking up this big story about how our brother was getting married (Domino and I look alike), and we were checking out bordellos for his bachelor party....and then I looked at her and said, "Um, no. We have a business here -- and we came for a reason. Let's just say what our reason is, and be businesslike about it. Why are we lying?" I mean -- really.

We both opened our doors at once, and this sirocco whirls out from the desert -- and grabs ALL of our paperwork/business cards (our "real life" ones and our "Double Oh! Productions" ones), etc. and whisks it out into the desert. WELL, we then had to madly dash after all of it, since we both realized that if we didn't get every SCRAP of paper up, there was no question that the first man to pull into that parking lot next was going to be one of our clients, and SLAP get one of our biz cards whisked onto his windshield -- right there before his baby blues!

We got all the "stuff" back, tidied ourselves off, pushed our now a little limp hair off of our faces, and approached the door. It didn't even have a peephole in it. We knocked.

It was immediately answered by a very pleasant looking woman in her late 40s. (She looked great -- dark, feminine business suit). We were ushered into an ante-room with hardwood floors, a crystal chandelier, etc. To the side on the left was a bar, with a lot of very beautiful women in it, obviously having fun, playing pool, and....well, having fun. Varying ages -- the only difference between them and perhaps the typical "girls night out" was that well, OK, they were inside a bordello (laugh) and they were all wearing 6" Lucite strappy heels and shorts. To our right was a big white plush leather sofa, very comfy, very understated, with a lot of "floor space" in front of it. Forward were huge plate glass windows looking out onto a "compound."

The woman asked us how she could help us. We said that we had seen the sign, and would like a Tour -- that we had a business and wanted to understand what Sherri's Ranch did and how perhaps we could tie in our business to theirs. Then (because we couldn't help ourselves) we said "How did you know to be at the door right away? There's no peephole...?" And she said "Oh, my dears, there were dozens of cameras on you from the time you drove into the parking lot."

(Can you SEE the guys in the video room laughing their *sses off at our scurrying around the desert? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Gotta love it.)

So, she walked us over to overlook the "grounds" -- gorgeous swimming pools, volleyball courts, some "special cabanas" etc. On the wall, there was a listing of the "services" with somewhat euphemistic names -- but with descriptions that left nothing to the imagination -- e.g. a "Fire and Ice" was a courtesan going down on a man with tea in her mouth, and then with ice cubes. There were also photos of some of the rooms. The cabanas could be rented "all night" -- and you could have ANYTHING that you wanted to eat -- they had a full staff/chefs/etc. You were either brought to Sherri's Ranch in a "complementary limo," or (if you were going to "party" for a sufficient amount of $), they would send the helicopter for you. Though there were prices for the varying rooms (and the cabana prices were STIFF), there were no prices next to the various "ways to party."

The door gal "buzzed" one of the "free" courtesans, and we were introduced to April Rain. I won't go into a lot of details -- just too much to type -- but basically Domino and I were toured around the "open areas" of the facility (including one room that has a corporate sponsorship from Bud Light -- "the only bordello with a corporate sponsorship"), etc. It was mid-day, so most of the rooms were free. (One of the funnier things was seeing another statuesque gal -- April Rain was diminutive, especially compared to Domino and my over 6'! -- touring an older guy in a plaid shirt and a matronly woman in a smock dress. They looked like they had just walked in off a field in Oklahoma.)

April Rain explained how she had been a dancer in Kansas -- and that Sherri's Ranch is the "gold standard" of bordellos. That they only accepted a certain number of girls -- you had to interview, etc. She was honored to have been chosen. They had their own masseuses, cook, gym, etc. -- and though they were independent contractors, they were provided access to people to help them with everything from financial planning to education options, and the like. She explained that she had a couple kids, and that she had already funded their college trust funds, plus she would likely be "able to retire" in about 4 years.

She was articulate, amazing, proud. Whew. Who knew? And OH MY GOODNESS gorgeous.

We talked to her a bit about "her job" and she was very very frank about it. We talked about our idea of having a courtesan basically be paid for an hour or 2 of her "time," just to talk to our attendees about sex and all things ABOUT sex. What men generally wanted, etc.

It was so telling.

She said that she wished that she could offer this to women, because, in her words, what she does "is not rocket science. In fact, often men -- husbands -- just pay me to massage them and tell them that they are good providers, strong, sexy, wanted. They want to cuddle. They even pay me to massage ME. Then they want a little sex, and to go to sleep in my arms. If their wives would just do what I do -- and I don't do any 'nasty stuff' -- I would still have too many clients to handle -- and these men would think they had died and gone to heaven." It was the most amazing, eye-opening experience. She was basically validating our "hypothesis" -- these men were coming and PAYING her to listen to them, make them feel "wanted" and "sexy," and then not to do any "nasty" sex -- she said it was mainly "regular" sex or "the occasional blow job" (OK, I know, I'm graphic, sue me.)

What have we been talking about here, and how to make your James feel like he has "died and gone to Heaven"? What small costs to you, and what amazing benefits ultimately?

She also explained her little "call button" to us -- it apparently works not only to call gals out who are "free," but also as a "panic button" for them if anything goes wrong. If a patron wants a "line up," then the girls that fit the patron's "bill" are called by their buzzers -- ones that are basically the type s/he is looking for, and also are willing to "party" the way that s/he wants. For example, she said she did not do lesbian sex on patrons, nor did she do Fire and Ice ("Makes my teeth hurt"). For the line up, the patron sits on the couch with a drink and the gal that met us at the door (who takes down his preferences and choices), and he picks the woman of his choice, chooses the room that he wants (differing prices) and then they go to the room and discuss the price in private.

After our tour, we spoke with the manager, and floated our business idea. She was fantastic. She actually took us out to another "wing" of the Ranch, where they have a full wing that is a hotel. The rooms are as nice if not nicer than your standard "Strip" room (some have "themes" as well), but for far less cost. By staying at the Ranch, you have access to a gym, masseuse, the pool, the bar...and of course the Girls if you so desire. The manager was very proud to announce that not only do they have the only corporate sponsorship in the "industry" (the Bud Light "bubble" room complete with surf boards, bar, etc.), but they also are the only one to have a full hotel facility that they are building out.

We loved it. We imagined taking the women from our seminar out there after a hard day driving race cars and shooting guns, to be pampered, given great food from the on-site chef, get their nails done, etc. -- and then to have some frank talk with a courtesan about sex in a fun and non-threatening setting. How much more "fun" to do the talk there, than have someone come on out to Vegas and do it in the suite? (And how much more likely to get some great marketing for it...can't you see the husband that would say to his wife "you want $10k to do WHAT? Go learn sex techniques from professional courtesans? OK and HOW many times are you going to take that seminar?" LOL)

There is no doubt that we left that place changed.

After we'd been to Sherri's, of course, it was No Big Deal to walk up to the door at the Chicken Ranch. We went on in, and we spoke with a gal who said that most of the "girls" were not on call right then (it was about noon). It was dark inside, and...OK, well, it was what we sort of expected before we went to Sherri's -- "tawdry". The gal was nice enough, but with one of those 3-pack-a-day smoker, rode hard and put away wet "looks." I did buy a couple of Chicken Ranch T-shirts (hey, what the heck) and we left.

I think a lot about Sherri's Ranch. Now that I myself am taking pole dancing classes (see www.sfactor.com), I think about their "pole dance" room, and how Aspen Rain told us that the girls didn't really know how to pole dance -- that this had been her forte in Kansas, and she was thinking of doing a video or "if there was ever a time when we could find enough girls not busy and I am not busy doing Tours or parties," to teach some of the girls. She said that was one of the things when she first got there -- there was no "shadowing" or "training" program (yeah, OK, "duh"), but all the girls basically sort of "showed one another the ropes" and you really went up in the pecking order if you could show someone how to "do something" that would (of course) give them an extra "talent."

I remember these gals, all of whom really seemed frank and open when we went back to the bar and chatted some more with them as Domino and I had beers before the long drive back to Vegas. These gals are flown into the Ranch every month for a few days or a week from wherever they live, and were there 24/7 during that time, then went back home. We did wonder, of course, what Aspen Rain's kids thought that she did during her week gone "on business" from Kansas each month! But mostly, we really wanted to get some of our grrlfriends out to Sherri's -- to start busting some stereotypes and show them some women running their own businesses with passion, putting money away, and making men feel great.

How do YOU feel, after reading this?

Whoa is Me...

2006-04-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah yeah, you spellers out there....I know, it's W-O-E.

But not really.

To use a horse analogy....you are the rider of your own Life - and just like a good horse, your Life is responsive to your every move. It "trusts" that you know best! So are you giving it an exhilarating run - or plodding along in the weeds, and steering in such a way that's going to ultimately scrape You off on the overhanging trees! (And then, are you going to blame Life for your falling off??)

When you spend time and mental energy on your "woes", it's just like yelling "whoa" to that horse called Life. So - you see why I say "whoa" is me?

(NOTE: SO when I first wrote this, I wrote "woah" which to me sounds like it should be right, though my friend wrote to me to say it's "whoa." That to me looks like "Wuh-ho-ah." And so to misquote the Caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland "Who Is The Master? You, or the Spelling?" :-) )

I know it's hard. Sometimes, it seems that "life" dishes out some doozies. I certainly have been known to wind up on my backside after being scraped off by the tree branches, cursing either the tree, or "life"! But the reality of it is that I "put me there." And it's my responsibility to "get me out."

Sometimes it's hard to "get out of where you steered Life," too. Really hard. Sometimes it will take time, effort, and money to get back on course - or get back on the ride at all. I know.

Believe me.

And for me, I feel like a hypocrite when I can't "practice what I preach" sometimes. For example, there are things that bring me an intense amount of enjoyment....writing my book, doing seminars, etc. The new real estate "career" ain't it - the still-going law career ain't it. Passion Parties are...but I don't find the time to get them booked -- and now I'm facing losing my "license" to do them, if I don't do $600 worth of sales by the end of May! Oy...

I have "steered Life" in a direction, but to be able to get back on that Path to Passion, I find myself sticking it out in law/real estate to "earn out" the $ I have spent (lots) on (for example) the real estate "thing" - which is not a "passion." And putting to the side the things I love.

This is stupid.

This is against my own teachings. This Stuff Happens :-). I figure if I can sell 2 houses, I will "make back the $ I have spent" on this - then I can decide whether to "stay in." The thing is, I KNOW that what I "want to do" is go national with the fEmpowerment thing - to really commit, to get the book done before my wedding in Sept - etc. That is where my passion is :-). And I am GOOD at it, too.

It's all a process. Just do your best not to get in your own way....find your path to passion, and let your horse called Life go.

And try to bite back the Woes.

Set Some Goals Now...

2006-04-04T10:40:00.001-07:00

Here I am again, with about 15 minutes (not enough!) to write. So I thought I would jot down some thoughts here -- on starting down the Bond grrl "path."

Getting to that Bond Grrl "Lifestyle" is actually not that hard (believe it or not). It just takes putting your Bond Grrl high heeled toe on the right path.

You want to have goals -- daily if you are an employee and so actually have the ability to "plan a day" without "surprises" taking you over (which happens more if you're an independent contractor and suddenly SURPRISE you have 10 hours' worth of work that all needs to be done "now" from 3 clients) -- but definitely weekly, monthly, and then at a 6 month mark. You can have yearly goals, 3 years, 5 years -- but these are more "aspirations" (things to "aspire to") than goals per se. They are too far away to really make any difference on your life.

So what you need right this second is 4 weekly goals -- one a week, starting this week, for the next month.

Some day, I'm going to have a "Workbook" to go along with the book I'm writing -- but I need to get the book out first! The "Workbook" will have exercises that you can do each day or week that help you along with the goals. But for right now, this is going to have to "do" (smile).

Unless you have a mansion, I want your first goal for the first week to be going through every single drawer, cabinet, nook and cranny of your house. (OH NO you say. OH YES, says me!) Under the ancient principles of feng shui, if you have anything in your house that is just "dead energy," that energy is "deadening" a portion of your life. Things that are cluttered are cluttering up that portion of your life. (Feng shui believes that your house represents your "life" -- and there are 9 quadrants...Health, Wealth/Abundance, Ancestors, Children, Relationships/Love, Career, Fame, Travel/Helpful Friends, Knowledge/Learning.) You don't need to know what quadrant is where, etc. -- it's not that important for right now. What is important is touching EVERY SINGLE THING in your house -- and making sure you love ALL OF IT.

Yeah OK this is hard huh? But that's your goal for this first week. And in reality, if you put on some thumpin' toones on your MP3 player, it's not that bad. It's easier for me to do it with music, because then my emotions don't "kick in" so much when I hit something that I 'know I need to get rid of but feel I can't.' Like something that I bought because it was "cute" but I don't wear...or something someone gave to me that I am kinda attached to but that is gathering dust...stuff like that. For some reason, having "tunes on" helps to shut that part of my brain up :-)

For me, it's usually easiest to start in the kitchen. If you have kids, have them help you out if you think you can make it "fun." The goal here, remember, is to touch EVERYTHING. Anything that you haven't used or just loved in the last "season" is going to go in a pile on the floor. (If you're really organized and have bags or boxes that's easier, but get it OUT of your drawers/closets/etc.!)

I say to start in the kitchen, because usually there is a TON of stuff that is just sitting in your cabinets that you bought and "didn't eat." And you know you bought it more than 3 months ago. Grrrrrl, what do you want to put that in your body for?? I want it OUT of the cabinets. Anything that's not open, you're going to take to the local shelter. They're going to love you. And you never know -- separate out the "open" and "unopened" stuff, and take the opened stuff down as well -- shelters are so desperate these days for help, they might have some use for the open stuff too.

When I did this, it was scary how much stuff I had. Tea was a big culprit. The essential oils in tea just don't taste the same after a few months -- get rid of it. Flour. Why did you buy that whole big bag, to make one batch of cookies?? (I now purchase just enough flour in the bulk bins at the store, and keep it in the freezer until I use it, so that it's very very fresh.) Go on -- go through it ALL. Scary how much stuff we have, isn't it?

Now, sure, someone out there is going to say "BUT SOLITAIRE, we need to have 20 days' worth of canned goods in case there is an earthquake/tornado/what-have-you." If that's REALLY why you have that pile of soup gathering dust in the back of your closet, I still ask you -- when did you buy it? Do you really want to be eating something out of a can that you bought a year ago -- and was probably canned way before that? E-yew. So start eating it now and replace it out fresh -- or take it to the church/homeless shelter (do NOT FORGET A RECEIPT -- it's a tax-deductible charitable contribution!), and again keep it fresh.

Going through your drawers really does mean ALL of them. Do you need all those dishtowels? Gadgets? Magnets on the fridge? If Bond were to walk in right now and open a drawer, would you cringe?

That's not good, grrl. Because the deal here is that you are Prepared and Cool. And the only way to be that is to have touched every single thing in your house, and have a use for it NOW (or very soon), or to LOVE IT and CHERISH it. If not -- it's gotta go to charity.

There are veterinarians and humane societies looking for even socks with holes in them, to ball up as cat toys. Abused Women's Services and the Cancer Society looking for clothes. Princess Project looking for formals. Goodwill/Salvation Army for "knickknacks" -- or my favorite, "Freecycle." (This is a group, at least in my area, where you send out an email to a "list" that is basically a "come and get it" call out to subscribers -- where you ask for or offer stuff at your house for people to just get. So far, my James and I have gotten rid of ceiling fans, a big screen TV that did not work, hospital scrubs, the "extra" coffee maker, pots and pans, etc. It's the best.)

Set aside the day. Go room by room. Keep throwin' stuff into the middle of the floor :-) Keep it up -- touch EVERYTHING that you have. Love it -- or chuck it.

I said everything, right? I mean it. Makeup. All those lotions and potions under your sink in the bathroom that you bought and never used. Get'em out.

NOW, you get to have some fun. Invite some of your grrls over, yes, with the piles in the middle of all your floors. Invite them for a "peeling off the extra me" party -- heck, make them bring some bags, a bottle of wine, and some appetizers! Then 'splain to them that the things in the middle of the floor in all the rooms are things that are "fair game." If there is anything on the floor that one of your grrls GAVE to you, tell her ahead of time that you loved it, but that you need to make some room in your life, and you would LOVE it if she would like to have it in HER life since she gave it to you! (The funniest part is how often the giver gets a pout on for you giving away the "thing" but then THEY don't want it, either!)

They can take anything -- the rest is going to charity. Have fun!

That is actually your "week two" assignment -- to get rid of everything that is on the "floor" after your week one assignment! So if you do them closer together you get a REST during week 2 (laugh).

The other thing that you need to start doing starting the first day of week 1, is to keep a diary. If you do NOT keep a diary (I don't -- OK except this blog!) then it's going to be a little harder on you, if you're not "used to" doing it. But the most important thing here is that every single day, 2 times a day (so, on brushing your teeth is a good time), you write down 3 things you are "passionate about." They can be silly things. Could be your straight and lovely teeth! Could be your James....could be that it's not raining that day. Anything. The idea here is to start building a "Passion Portfolio." And don't sass me and not get started because you "don't have a diary." You can do this on sticky notes that you ultimately "paste" onto a piece of paper once you find a diary for yourself. But get started....

Also starting with week 1, you need to find 10 minutes out of every day SOMEWHERE (bus to work? lying in bed after you hit Snooze one time?) to really play your day and your life through your head, and highlight the "high" points and the good you want to come out of that day. It can be total fantasy -- but the idea here is the more you do that, the more you magnetize that good stuff "to you." It's only 10 minutes -- but it's 10 minutes solely and completely for YOU. This is very important, too. We don't find times in our busy lives for ourselves -- to really "dream" like we did as kids. Suddenly as adults, that stuff "flies out the window of our life" (that we used to daydream and "fly ourselves" through)! Picture yourself paying off your bills. Picture yourself at the gym. Picture yourself eating really nourishing food. Picture yourself hugging your James. Go for it -- dream the dream. Heck -- picture yourself on Tahiti! But get your Bond grrl juices flowing, so you can "magnetize" that dream to yourself. In short -- get up and out of your existence for a bit -- because the idea here is to ultimately be living your passion -- and often, you have to FIND your passion, first! Write down what things come to you during your 10 minutes -- even if you write down just little snippets, not the whole 'story.' So if you have this long and involved dream about doing a ballroom dancing competition, just write "ballroom competition" in the diary -- you don't have to tell the whole story there if you don't want to. (It just takes more time and getting you to "do" the 10 minutes is usually enough! (smile).)

What we're building here is what your mind -- which is going to be SO EXCITED to be let free to fantasize! -- is going to bring up for you. At the end of the month, we're going to go back through and see what your "3 passionate things" were for you, and also what your "daydreams" were about. These are HUGE clues as to what your Bond Grrl Life should be aimed towards.

If you're dreaming of a lot of "bling" -- take a look further. Where did it come from? I don't care right now if things are "realistic," but we want to see whether that's something that is in your dreams. Or is it more that you're lying on a beach? Or relaxing? Remember -- don't second guess your dreams. Let them flow.

Set Some Goals Now...

2006-04-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

"artifacts" of wealth

2006-04-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book called "The Millionaire Next Door." It was recommended to me by a NUMBER of people....which I find interesting because "so far" I am not quite sure why.

Well -- I don't exactly mean that. I got the book as a "book on tape" (through half.com, for cheap) -- because then I can load it into my MP3 player and take it "with me" in the car/gym/etc. Generally (so far) it is talking about the "differences" between what he calls UAWs (Under Achievers of Wealth) and PAWs (Prodigious Achievers of Wealth).

Interestingly, there is a "Bond grrl" link to all this (in my mind. Then again, there is a Bond grrl link to EVERYTHING in my mind (laugh)). One of the biggest differences between UAWs and PAWs is that PAWs do not "collect artifacts of wealth." What this means is that the surveyed millionaires -- all folks that have socked away $1-10 million in THEIR lifetime, not inherited it, and not including the worth of their house -- they do not have fancy cars, do not "shop for fun," do not have fancy clothes, etc. The #1 car in the group is a Jeep Grand Cherokee (or a Ford F-150). The suits worn are generally from JC Penney (which apparently was written up recently in Forbes has having some of the best cut/wool/etc. suits when done in "blind comparison" to way more expensive brands). They all have budgets. They stick to it. They know where their money is going. They know where their spouse's money is going, and where their kids' money is going. Everyone in the house understands that Frugality is the way to live, because whoever dies with the "best clothes or the most toys" does NOT win -- he who dies with fully funded college programs for his kids, grandkids, etc. and who passes on a "way of living" that will work for these kids DOES win. That person leaves a "legacy."

In the Bond grrl realm, I have said this a number of times -- don't buy for the sake of buying. Trim down -- "travel light." And what you have -- LOVE it and USE it. One of the things that they do is a "per pound" price for automobiles -- millionaires on average pay "$11 per pound" (I think it was) for their cars. (I want to say that in comparison, a Ferrari is about $200/lb -- but I'd have to go back and listen again to be sure that's right.)

One should know how to ACT when faced with caviar, champagne, or ballroom dancing -- but this is not what you eat every day, even if you can "afford it." You take 15% of every paycheck, and put it away in a "wealth account" (assuming all credit cards are paid of course, but we've talked about that before). Plan, plan, plan. Know "how to drive" the Ferrari -- but don't OWN it. PAWs all live in middle class neighborhoods -- and their mortgages don't kill them. Most of them have paid off their houses.

The way to figure out how much wealth you are "supposed to" have accumulated (so if you're a UAW you are under this amount, a PAW you are high above it), is you take your age, divide it by 10, and multiply it by your gross annual income from all sources. So if you're 40, and you make $50,000 gross, that means that 4/10 x 50,000 = you should have $20,000 in stocks/bonds/investments/401k/IRA/whatever (not including your house if you own one, or cars etc. which are not "investments." A house is only an "investment" if it's a ~rental~ and you're the landlord).

Right now, I am at about 1/2 of where I am "supposed" to be (though if you include my house, I'm right at the line). What that means (since I am going to rent my house out) is that "suddenly" by next year, I will be in line -- whereas right now I'm a UAW.

The "budget" thing is king to the writers of this book. I track everything I spend -- but I don't budget per se. I have decided that this will change. I guess part of that is that I'm sick of being "poor" -- meaning, I'm sick of feeling freaked out all the time looking for my next buck. That was the nicest thing when I was an employee -- I knew that every 2 weeks, there would be $. That was bad though too -- because I didn't save that much of it.

The "goal" here is that you have enough wealth, that it kicks out enough "income" for you to be able to live on -- without your "working." That's what retirement really means -- that you have assets that are kicking money out to you, without you "working." A rental property is a perfect example of this -- so long as you are able to pay the mortgage and upkeep on it, then anything "over" that amount is income to you. It's taxable -- but only Federal/State taxes, not Social Security, medicare, self-employment tax, etc. So it's a "better" way to make money than actually "earning" the money.

I read a book about 4 years ago that changed my life -- I wish I had read it in my 20s. It's Rich Dad, Poor Dad. It's a "stupid" book in a way -- easy to read, etc. But it "explains" the whole deal with respect to being an employee, being self-employed, owning a "business" (where the business can run without you), having investments, etc. I wish I had understood what I read in that book a long, long time earlier. I would have gone down a number of different "paths" than the ones I did.

But back to The Millionaire Next Door. They call the "things that rich people are supposed to buy" 'artifacts' of wealth. Meaning -- they are things that "point to" you being wealthy. The super interesting thing is that the ACTUAL wealthy folks -- e.g., folks with over $1 million "in the bank" -- DO NOT buy these things. Who does? It's generally folks that want to "look" wealthy. The authors said that on average, the folks that buy the fancy car, watches, suits, etc. are folks that do NOT actually have $1 million in the bank -- and almost uniformly, they are UAWs. Because when you buy these "artifacts of wealth," you need to keep them up. And you need to buy OTHER "artifacts of wealth" to go WITH them.

One example is that a person buys "too much house" for themselves -- in an upper middle class neighborhood, say, when they really can't afford it. Well, they can't have their beater car in the driveway -- so they need to have a better car. Then they have to furnish it. And the new car needs to be serviced...and not at "Joe's" down the street! And then you can't just wear beat clothes if you're lounging in your rich house....and it goes on and on. Reminds me of the Oprah that's going on now about the Debt Diet. That's how all these folks got started down the Debt Road to Hell.

Apparently the authors found out that the folks who buy these are generally the people who want to SERVICE the wealthy. So for example, a stock broker who wants to attract folks buys the Rolex, fancy suit, flashy car, etc. Even if he can't really "afford" it, and certainly he's generally not putting away 15% of his income towards his own wealth accumulation each year.

The authors say that many, many UAWs seem to want to "cover themselves with artifacts of wealth" because in truth, they have a (very real) fear that they are NOT wealthy -- so they want to "look" wealthy. They pretty much have their heads in the sand. And often, they aren't even crazy about the "artifacts" that they have -- e.g., they are working so hard, they never get to "enjoy" the neighborhood that they have bought into, or the clubs that they have joined, etc.

I can totally relate to this. Right now, I'm feeling the pinch -- as I'm self-employed, I sort of "never know" how much income I am going to have, and for the last 3 months, I have made less than 1/2 of what I "usually" make. (Why this hasn't spurred me to get my *ss in gear and get my house rented, I don't know...probably because my James' daughter is back off her meds and in the house, and I don't like the idea of not having an 'escape' -- who knows, that could be it, even though all my "stuff" is here. ) I haven't heard from my accountant yet, to find out whether I owe taxes or whether I am even or am getting $ back -- but if I owe, there is no $ to pay for it. And my credit cards are once again up -- because though my expenses are very low, with no income, what are you going to do? So the mortgage, gas (oy!), groceries, etc. go on the cards...and after 3 months, I'm looking $8,000 in the face. Ugh.

A lot of crap is going down -- James' daughter being back (and him being truly evil about it -- he does hate her and I can't stand the energy in the house...which means I am not "supportive" -- vicious circle), the lawsuit against me is not ending, I am going thru menopause (don't ask, it sucks), $ is tight, I am eating too much, I'm not working on my book, I'm freaking out about $....so you see! Everyone goes through these sort of times. I was up at 4:00 this morning, staring at the ceiling. Oy!

Give Give Give...

2006-03-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

If you haven't started thinking about Spring Cleaning your makeup/purse/closet...time to start.

OK maybe I only say that because we're on the second of two non-rainy days in a row...whew, it's been wet here! Comments run from our being the "new Seattle" to "gee, I keep wondering what that old guy is doing in my backyard, buildin' the big boat and lining up those animals..."

But maybe this is spurred on by the newsletter I just received from Image For Success.

Image For Success is a non-profit organization, that collections clean, I think they say "gently used" clothing from women (and now actually men and kids) and distributes it out to women who are coming in off the streets, trying to make the most of their life.

The "letter" on the inside was immensely inspiring. It was written by a gal who lives in her car. It was about how she has 'turned her life around,' gotten off drugs, etc. -- but has to get a job to get out of that car. About how hard it is to stay clean, pressed, neat, etc. when everything you own is basically in the back seat.

She talked about coming into the Image For Success offices, and how the volunteers "made her feel like a queen," taking out business suits, dresses, shoes, etc. and giving them to her to try -- having a "fashion show," talking about what really "didn't" work for her, etc. The letter was so from the heart. The editorial "follow up" was that she had gotten a job, and was now saving on a security deposit for an apartment.

I made the mistake a while ago of giving something really good away (by accident) to Goodwill, and going to their "sort" to try to get it back. Clothing was just all over the floor -- it was being put into "rag bags" by the ton. It made me totally sick. (Made me sicker that somehow the leather briefcase my parents had gotten for me when I got my Masters degree had wound up there...never to be found.) After this experience, I have "sought out" smaller enterprises, like Image For Success, or The Princess Project (which takes your "gently used" black tie or dress-up clothing, and gives it to underprivileged girls for their proms).

Though places like Image For Success, Marin Abused Womens Services, and the like can't take "used" makeup, they do sometimes take unused makeup (e.g., "samples" you have gotten and never used). They definitely take clothes and shoes.

You are supposed to be throwing out makeup, lotions and the like that are over 6 months old...they're no good to you and with the chemicals in most of them, you could be putting something toxic on your body (or in your EYES -- eyew old mascara!) if you aren't careful.

So now's the time. If you won't do it for "you" -- do it for them. Get up right now and "let your fingers do the walking" -- do you have a place like Image for Success, or a Hospice (especially good for magazines/books/sweats/etc.), Princess Project, or Marin Aid To Retarded Citizens (these are all ones that are local to me) in your area? I KNOW that you do. Call them up, and find out if they have a pick-up coming near you (or where you can take your stuff). I had a bad experience, as I said, with Goodwill, and so I can't recommend them, but that's just me.

They might tell you that the clothes have to be "in fashion," but they don't really mean it :-) If you have a business suit and it's dry cleaned and in the bag, believe me, they will take it. Put a little polish on the shoes you're going to bring in -- they will take them even if they have some cuts in them. Believe me.

Do it for our less fortunate Bond Grrl Sistahs -- help them get to it.

Solitaire

My Day Today

2006-03-17T16:19:00.000-08:00

Well.

After about 2 weeks of having no work at all, I got some in yesterday and got it done -- about 5 very small contracts, probably about $500 worth of work. (For which, of course, I will be paid in about 30 days. Ah the life of an independent contractor...)

I also spoke with a potential new client today. I am getting "surlier and surlier" with potential law clients. One part of this is probably because I'm on the receiving end of a "spurious" lawsuit from one shareholder of an ex-client (he sued the other shareholders, lost, and is now coming after my malpractice insurance, saying things were "my fault" I had nothing to do with). For $2.5 million, no less (and I have $100k of insurance). The other part is that I really REALLY want to move on to doing what I LOVE to do, which is the Bond grrl stuff.

The gal who called today sounded nice enough -- but I forwarded her on to 2 other people to contact before coming to me. I "could have" taken the work she wanted me to do....I just would rather not. These folks will do the work that she has as her immediate needs, then likely will refer her back to me for drawing up some contracts.

I am caught in such a quandry. On the one hand, I am trying to get the Bond Grrl Biz moving....but there isn't a lot of "time room" for it what with still having the law practice, "starting" the real estate practice (which was supposed to go quicker than this, so I could really "close" the law practice, but so much for that), planning the wedding, trying to get back in shape (so I look good AT the wedding!), needing to rent out my house, getting my Associate degree and Certification in Sexology from IASHS (which right now entails me watching about 5 hours' worth of tapes I'm "behind" on, most from the 70s, and all of a sexual nature...not so pleasant I'm afraid I am not much of a voyeur!), etc. etc. et-c. The one thing I should be making time to do, which is in my mind a "linchpin" of the Bond Grrl Biz, is working on the book. This means reviewing the outline, and seeing what I haven't "written yet"....

Oy.

I am actually really glad I'm doing all the IASHS stuff today. I got those contracts "knocked out" and there are all sorts of things I should have done (gone to the gym for example), but it's so important to knock out this Certificate, so that I will have that in my "author's copy" for the book. Similarly, I have written to a client who is a life coach, and asked her if there is a "cheap and easy" certificate program for life coaching -- I have done a LOT of seminars, etc., but never an actual certificate program. Again, it's all part of having something that will give me an "imprimatur" of expertise. Kinda silly -- just to have a certificate saying you can do what you are doing. But I feel that this is likely key. I know when I got my massage certificate, I actually didn't "learn all that much" that I didn't already know when it came to massage -- maybe a little about putting moves together and how to "drape" a client, but that's about it. Then again, I did learn SOME things -- and it also gave me the feeling that I had some "templates" for doing what I already kinda knew how to do.

Now, how just to give 40 hours into the day???

www.dontdatehimgirl.com

2006-03-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

Holy smoke, OK, now I've seen everything....

One of my "baby Bond grrls" sent me this link. Apparently before your next date, in addition to the research you do already on your potential James, you can check www.dontdatehimgirl.com in case he has been nailed. You could also download your dates if they turn into cheaters and liars.

I don't even WANT to think about the potential for libel/slander/etc. -- ah, the Internet!!!

Solitaire

PS: If you want to hear the funniest podcast on the "new James Bond," listen to CommanderBond.net's posting, think it was from 3/6. It's an editorial by a British guy, and I have listened to it 3 times, because the language really makes me laugh out loud.

S

Ballroom Dancing

2006-03-16T10:53:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that there is a blind woman in my ballroom dancing class? Wow. It's amazing to me -- she has a great, sunny outlook, and is actually a fantastic dancer. I wind up "holding her arm" when we do some of the "floor" exercises before the class -- just basically telling her "2 more steps and we're at the wall" and whatnot.

We are taught fairly complicated steps, but we get to WATCH the teacher do them and follow along. She has to hold onto the wall. Then he comes over and "dances the steps with her," to show her what the pattern is that we are doing. She gets it each time.

The guys in our class (barring a couple) aren't that good -- I have trouble following them because they aren't getting their feet quite right, or they don't really "lead." If, as a follower, you "know the steps to the routine" you can actually look "fine" without BEING led -- but that's not what's supposed to be going on here. I wind up often frustrated because the guys are looking at their feet (and this is an intermediate class), or not leading, or have their arms down so I am not "held right" -- stuff like that.

I don't know how she does it!

I had something really great (OK, in my mind) happen at the lesson 2 days ago. We had done American foxtrot in the first hour, then the second hour was Quickstep. They never used to teach Quickstep outside the International curriculum (it's not an American Smooth dance), but Dancing With The Stars has Quickstep in it, and as SO many people have started taking lessons because of that show, they have added it into the "American" lessons.

I was dancing at the very end of the hour with this one guy who is a great lead (and tall enough for me, too). I was wearing this pink and black striped shirt, and jeans that were tight at the thighs but flared at the bottom., with my hair long but pulled back in a clip at the back of my head (off my face) and bangs. The class that comes in after ours is a Beginner class. That class used to have about 10 people in it at the beginning of each month, sort of the "dreg guys" who obviously were taking the class because they wanted to have SOMETHING to attract women....the women were usually pretty "normal" but there was never a guy who was over like 5'7" or was....well let's just say they were not the cream.

NOW (due I think to D.W.T.S.) the class has like FIFTY people in it -- and there are some FINE people walking in those doors. Ballroom dancing schools all over America must be praising the Lord over that show.

ANYWAY -- so I was dancing Quickstep, and we were actually GETTING the steps (even the turns at the corner). I came around one corner of the floor, just has these 2 women came in. One gasps as we go by, and whispers "Oh my God! It's Stacey Keibler!"

So, I knew they were talking about me. WHAT a flattering thing to happen! OK, not only am I about 20 years older than Stacey Keibler, but I definitely don't dance that well (I'm not as flexible as she is). But I was just beaming. And of course, it took my mind off what I was doing, I took a mis-step, and nearly fell on my face. The guy I was dancing with burst out laughing and said "You just heard that compliment, didn't you? See what happens when you let that go to your head?" It was really funny.

Anyway -- I've been thinking of that for the last couple days. I was really excited about it.

Solitaire

Silence Is Golden (Golden!)...

2006-03-14T08:57:00.000-08:00

Remember that old song? It's from like the 50s...

I get a great ezine that's called the Coaching Compass -- and today's subject was about "silence." It definitely DEFINITELY tied right in with my thoughts on Bond Grrls as Listeners.

This is what it said: "We live in a culture that supports the tennis-volley-approach to conversation: 'You say something, and quickly, I say something next.' This happens almost without pause or without us taking a breath. We are all guilty of formulating what we are going to say next, even before the person speaking stops sharing their thoughts. What if the words you did not speak were more powerful than the words you did speak?"

Another quote: "Building on this same idea, the 'silent words' you say to yourself are extremely powerful."

The idea here is that the only way to learn something new -- really -- is to listen. Not to talk. I personally am guilty guilty guilty of talking like an auctioneer (if you go to heidimillerpresents.com and listen to my interview on her podcast of a couple days ago, you can hear what I mean!) But the thing is, in a social setting, the more you get the other person to talk, the more information you're going to have.

One of my trainees, Gold Rush, was talking the other day about dating again. (She's the one who lost her fiance at the end of December -- some of his last words to her were "please start dating right away -- or else you never will.") She was one of my very first "Baby Bond Grrls." In talking about her dates (she uses match.com -- that's how she found her fiance, too), she said that she has wound up in some uncomfortable situations, due to the fact she has a big big house (all her money is in her house) -- and that makes guys she invites "over for a drink" nervous...also that she has some food allergies (me too), and when she goes out for dinner, these come up.

I told her -- you're giving Too Much Information, grrl! Basically, once you have won over your James (or your boss, or whomever) whatever you need to do that's out of the ordinary -- take care of your kids, have a special diet, or whatnot -- will be "no big deal" because they already appreciate you. But in the beginning...do NOT give "too much information" on yourself -- whether it's so-called "good" things (remember, she is the one who used to talk about her high-powered job when asked), or so-called "more difficult things" (like food allergies). Just listen, be free and easy, be YOURSELF of course (don't LIE), but don't get too deep into "you." You want to get into that boss/James/etc. -- you want to see what makes them "tick." Once they see that you're interested/in it for them/etc., then ultimately you can let "little bits of" your "stuff" out -- because by then, they "like you."

The more "things" or "titles" that you have, the more that someone else is going to have "baggage" attached to those things/titles/etc. For example, if you have a food allergy, right away you become a "picky person" -- even if you really aren't. (I have food allergies too -- but I never, ever mention them -- I just order stuff I am SURE won't have what I'm allergic to in it, and don't make any deal out of it....OR I call the restaurant in advance to be "sure" that I can get a meal without that thing in it.) Or if you're a high-powered executive, you might suddenly be "hoity-toity." YOU know that you aren't -- but what it comes down to is all these "titles" or "things" have ties back in the mind of the person who is receiving them (your boss, James, person at a cocktail party, etc.) It's what they have "made up" that "matches" these titles/things.

So one of the ways to be sure that they really get to know "you" is to leave the "trappings" out as much as you can. Sort of be "naked" there -- what's your sense of humor like? Don't tell "war stories" -- instead, listen, and be yourself. Don't "tennis volley" to the stories of the person you're listening to -- that is often not seen as being "with them" -- it's seen as trying to "one-up" them. So enjoy, and let THEM have that spotlight. Believe me, once they "decide they like you," you could be a janitor or a CEO, you could be allergic to cats or peanuts, you could be afraid of flying or heights....if it isn't going to be a "big part of your relationship" with that person (e.g., you're afraid of flying and they want to hire you as their pilot! LOL), then it's going to be No Big Deal and you aren't going to be "different" because of your "title" or "tag."

One last thing. I was watching Golden Eye last night. I was watching it to get a bead on the Bond Grrl, the computer programmer, who I think is quite a good example of what I have been talking about. But another thing I found in that movie, right after it says "9 Years Later," is a TOTAL "Eeek Grrl." There is a gal who has been sent by M to "evaluate" Bond -- they are driving in his car, and then the "Bad" Bond Grrl (Ms. Onatop) winds up racing him down a windy hillside road in France in her car. The interviewer gal does a full-on EEEEK routine. (She does wind up having sex with Bond on the side of the road and giving him a good report, but that's neither here nor there -- she's definitely one of the "throw away" girls.) If in a situation like that, take a look at this movie -- ho boy. She obviously is supposed to be "scared" but she totally becomes a nag -- a definite "Eeek" grrl. He beds (cars?) her to get his good report, I am guessing, and then he's on his way again. Don't be an Eek Grrl :-)

And finally, on CommanderBond.net, there is a HILARIOUS editorial with respect to Daniel Craig as the new Bond. Not sure if you download podcasts, but this is a must. I laughed out loud this morning listening to it. The movie is due out November 17th, and it will be interesting to see how Vesper Lynd "works into" the Bond Grrl "analogy." My guess (as it's based on Casino Royale and supposedly sticks quite close to the book) is that she's going to be much more her "own grrl" (as was Halle Berry's character in Die Another Day). This doesn't mean that the "#1 at being #2" analogy "fails" -- it just means that not EVERY Bond grrl is going to fit this bill. I'm not writing a dissertation on Bond Grrls -- I use Bond Grrls as an analogy because I can't find another one that I like any better. (People ask me that all the time -- they hear what I say and then say "Well, [this Bond grrl] or [that Bond grrl] doesn't fit what you're saying." I say back "I'm not trying to say what the salient feature of all the Bond grrls in the movies is...I'm saying that a good portion of them work to illustrate my point." It's sort of a "vice versa" thing. Which came first, the Bond grrl or the egg? (LAUGH)

OK, time to go to work!

Solitaire

PS: Did I mention I had to get 6" clear Lucite and vinyl "stripper heels" for my S-Factor class? Ho boy. I'm 6'7" or so in them. Too freakin' funny.

Dinner with Dad...

2006-03-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

OK so I am currently doing about 4 different things. I am trying to download some podcasts, I am copying some OLD CDs to my iPod I have meant to get in there as "gym music" (Christina Aguilera, if you were wondering), I'm sorting iPod entries and...........I am blogging! Oh, how ME.

So tonight, I went out with my Dad. He's great. At over 70, he's in the middle of "re-inventing" himself. He has been a doctor since he was in his 20s -- retired when medical insurance basically was eating him alive (did you realize of that $10 co-pay you pay, the doc doesn't even get THAT? Criminal!)...though he didn't really want to...and now he's trying to be an expert witness (on medical cases).

I love my dad, because whatever I do, he thinks it's great. I love my mom too -- but since she married dad (at what, 23?) she has kinda lead a charmed life (though of course she would not say that). She has always been "protected" by my pops...so she has built up a very VERY successful PR practice, but never had to "work for a living" in reality. (OK, she did, when she was a nurse back in New York, but hello, that was 50 years ago.)

Dad really "understands." He's totally had his hard knocks, and so you have to kinda talk about what you're doing obliquely....especially if (cough cough) you're really trying to give up a successful law practice to (cough cough cough) train Bond Grrls.

He loved it.

YIPPEE!!!!

So these are the things that Dad came up with, to "share back at" me:

1. My Last Job. At my last job, which started in 1999 (it was a dot.com job, so it "dot.bombed" in 2002 when my position was eliminated with about 200 others'), my dad reminded me of the "New Age test" that was given to all the high-level executives. There were about a dozen of us -- and during that test, they asked all sorts of questions (ah, the 90s). When the gal came to "interpret" the results, she singled me out particularly (HOW EMBARRASSING)! This was a company of "rock stars" -- a bunch of people who "really know what they were doing" -- bigtime entrepreneurs that envisioned themselves on the front of Newsweek and Inc magazine (and who might have gotten there, if they'd started the company about 1/2 year earlier, before The Crash). This gal had all these charts and graphs, based on some Very Expensive tests that she had administered to us. And this is what she said (as "reminded to me" by my dad)....

I was the only "Indian" of the group. What she told the whole gang of executives was that EVERY SINGLE ONE of them was a "Chief" personality -- that I was the only "Indian" of the gang. That I was the only one who would pick up all the balls that were being juggled (and dropped); that I would be the only one to "make things happen." She told them that if they didn't take care of me, that I was going to have a heart attack -- that they all had "grand ideas," but had to way of putting them into action. She told them that my personality was to want to "get those ideas to work" -- that I was the "perfect" "team player" and the one to "carry the ball to the goal line" (not to be the quarterback)...but (at that time) I was being forced simultaneously to "be like them" (e.g, "lead my team," etc.) but ALSO to do what came naturally -- e.g., pick up all the balls they were dropping and (to use the Dr Christmas Jones analogy) keep diving down in the cold, dark water to be sure I was there when they needed the submarine hatch door opened back up!

This company is still around (so I can't mention its name) -- and in fact, they are still my client (and my James works there -- that is where we met). But I think one of the big issues with the company is that there was this problem -- too many "Jameses" and not enough "Bond Grrls." I was fantastic at what I did (running the Legal Department) and I was fantastic at "supporting" all those chiefs. The problem is -- that you can really only have so many chiefs (at those expensive Chief Salaries), and you gotta have a LOT of "Indians." Dad reminded me of this -- said that the Bond Grrl analogy really reminded him of that time in my life. And how one of the most important things that I did at that job was to just keep making sure that people (like my James) had a cup of tea...had support...had Legal when they needed it...but definitely had an Audience for what they were doing. Was there, in short, to open that submarine door when they needed it, and dry them off.

Good analogy, Dad.

Another story that Dad told me was one that his favorite brother (who passed away from cancer when he was very very young -- in his 40s) told to him. It is sort of a "joke," but it goes like this:

A guy wanders into a Navy SEAL bar, and sits down at the bar next to a guy who is obviously One Of Them. After a bit of small talk, he finally gets up the "guts" to ask the guy what he does for the SEALs. The SEAL says "I'm the 6th Man." (In basketball, don't forget, it's a 5 man team....dad uses basketball analogies, just in case you're lost here (smile). The "6th man" is usually what the fans are called, the "integral person who's not really on the team but is still an important part of it"...hard to explain.) The other guy is puzzled, he says "What do you mean you're the 6th Man?" The SEAL says "Well, we have Dan, that's the crack sharpshooter of the outfit. He can shoot anything from so far away that you can't even see it. Then we have Jimmy, who is our bomb expert. He can just about smell a bomb from 50 yards, and is so fast that he can diffuse it before you even know what's going on. Then, we have Joe, who's our cyphers expert. He can crack any code that the enemy can throw at us. And Bob, he's our strategy expert. He can figure out what the enemy thought, almost before the enemy even thinks it. And Alan, he's our 'black ops' guy -- he does what needs to be done, we don't ask too many questions, but when Alan is done, it's done, say no more." The SEAL takes a sip of beer. The other guy says to him "Well, if you're the 6th man...well, what do you do then?" "Oh," says the SEAL, "I just drive the boat that gets them there, and pick them up when they're done."

As my dad pointed out (in telling this joke/story) -- though the guy in the boat is the "6th Man" -- he's not on the "Op," he doesn't have the "sexy job"...WHO is really the most important guy of the whole deal?

How Bond Grrl is that?

My Dad's so great. He said he knows a guy who knows Pierce Brosnan -- or, at least, brags about it all the time (the guy actually is the lawyer that got Patty Hearst off, when the first lawyer messed up -- I don't know much about that stuff, but I do know his name). Dad said he'd give him a ring tomorrow, to see if he just "brags on" Pierce, or whether he "really knows" him. I was mentioning what would be great is to get the book written, and then "self-publish" 20 or 30 copies, and get them to folks that could review and give me comments. He mentioned the Pierce connection. We'll see...how great would that be?

OK, back to listening to old, old CDs and copying them to my iPod (it's Elton John, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road now -- how old is THAT???)

Solitaire

Eating...

2006-03-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

I have written before about eating, and I'm likely to do it again. Probably because I ~love~ eating/food/wine/etc.! What can I say...I'm a great cook, I really enjoy food, and my James and I actually enjoy it "together"...whether he's actually helping cook, or just rolling his eyes in rapture at some new recipe I've tried, it's all good.

WELL -- not ALL good...because I suppose we all know that the problem with LOVING food (and perhaps being American) is that somehow it "mysteriously" leads to our clothing being a size too small when we get it back out of the closet the next season!

I have mentioned before the book "French Women Don't Get Fat." It's actually a great book, because the recipes really "work," and the little bits in between are fun to read and, I think, very telling. I think that the author, Mireille Guiliano, is spot on with a lot of her observations.

I was looking for a breakfast recipe this morning in this book (as it's Sunday, I figured I would have a really super nice breakfast for my James, who is currently slaving away painting the walk-in closet he had put on the house for me). In the recipe search, I came across her chapter entitled "Bread and Chocolate," and parts of it reminded me of issues that I have seen with many friends and roommates in the past.

Guiliano talks about a problem that she has seen in American women's relationship with chocolate (hey, the whole chapter is ON bread and chocolate). To her, one of the biggest issues is that American women eat chocolate "en cachette" (in private). She goes on to talk about American women eating on the sly, having "guilty pleasures" -- and how this is very "un-French."

In France, if you get pleasure out of something, then it needs to have a place in your life -- one needs to "maximize the rewards of pleasure while minimizing the costs." She discusses how "guilt-ridden scarfing" is what she tends to see time and again with American women and chocolate, whereas in France, one takes a morsel of chocolate as almost a religious experience, very much savoring it on the tongue, and eating "on purpose." She discusses "sensory awareness" of food -- e.g., if you are "scarfing" down food, you are very VERY unlikely to be able to reap the rewards of all your 5 senses revelling in that taste...and you are going to feel cheated and "bad." Again, to quote her, "To know how to appreciate that burst of delicate flavors, that supreme smoothness of texture as it melts in your mouth and begins its way down your throat, is to me a great accomplishment of sensual eating. It's an experience that could not be more remote from eating a Snickers bar on the run."

All of this reminds me of a few friends of mine, who are constantly battling with their weight. (And, it reminds me of me, too.) The words that they would use when eating were words such as "nibble" -- a word I can't hear to this day without cringing. Because "nibbling" was really just a "cutesie" word for ~grazing~! Eating a little bit -- constantly. And often, not because the food was something delectable that the eater really wanted, but instead, just something "for the mouth to do."

I had this experience just the other day. We happened to have some "pita chips" in the house, after a party. I guess I just don't throw this stuff away because "some children might be starving in China" -- or whatever it was my Mom used to say Way Back When to get me to "clean my plate." I was cooking, hungry, and what did I do? "Nibbled" my way through that whole darned left-over bag of chips.

Yikes! The thing about this is, it's that same "closet eating phenomenon" that just isn't really in existence in France. And it's VERY un-Bond grrl. I mean, really. Can you see a Bond grrl scarfting down pita chips or "guiltily" eating a big handful of M&Ms? No.

Three things that I vowed and promptly forgot about at the beginning of this year had to do with Food. They were:
1. Not to eat in the car.
2. More particularly, to sit down and eat at the table, with a plate and everything, when I eat.
3. Not to eat and do anything else (e.g., watch TV, talk on the phone).
4. Put down the fork between bites. Chew every bite.

I have broken every single one of these since making that promise -- and I find that to be very silly. On the "I know better" scale, this stuff is high, high, high. In fact, if I were to be really honest, I find myself "nibbling" a lot. Ack! The N-word! (LAUGH!)

This stuff shouldn't be so hard -- I mean, the last thing that I want to suggest to myself or anyone else is to "keep an eating diary." Ugh -- what a chore. But I actually do think that by embodying those 4 "vows" above, a lot of the "casual nibble eating" will go by the wayside.

Often part of the "nibbling factor" or "eating what I shouldn't" revolves around not being a careful planner. If I go to a seminar that happens to occur at a meal, somehow I seem to think that "all bets are off" during that meal. (The "scarf at the buffet" situation.) I was at a seminar the other day, and sat down next to a gentleman who had the most beautiful plate of food -- looked like it came right out of Gourmet magazine. I looked at mine -- the usual "heaped high with everything jumbled" plate -- and actually said to him "that's really quite a beautiful plate of food you have there." He smiled, said that by really laying things out and thinking about what he was eating, he ate less. This was a really good looking guy, definitely a "cut above." And I learned something from that. Next time I'm at a buffet, I'm going to do my best to do the same -- to have an "artistically beautiful" plate of food, and not too much. And to eat SLOWLY (that's #4 above!) -- your stomach doesn't get the "signal" from your brain until WAY after that first bite hits that it's "full" -- so if you eat fast, you can wind up being overfull well before your brain even sends the "stop eating" message.

One way I have found to help out with this (when I'm eating at home) is to heat the plates up when I am cooking a hot dish. This keeps the food hot -- it doesn't go "lukewarm" so you wind up trying to "speed up eating" to "eat it while it's still hot." It's fairly easy -- if you have a microwave, you can put a wet paper towel on top of the plate (or between 2 plates) and put it in for a minute -- it heats the plate right up.

And speaking of -- it's time to go make that breakfast I was discussing, as my James just came in and told me he has 20 minutes more work to do -- then, breakfast time!

Solitaire

Using Humor...

2006-03-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if I told this story already.

My James has a 25 year old schizophrenic daughter...who went off her meds last week, so was back here for a week getting back "on" her meds. I have a whole huge problem with this, but that's not what I'm here to write about.

Once she was back "on her feet," she was outside with me helping clean up the garden. At one point she just stopped raking and said quite seriously "Do you think that the world is coming to an end?" (This is the sort of thing that she does -- whether it's "I met aliens at the Mall yesterday" or whatever.)

When confronted with that sort of question, her father gets very strict, 'upsettish.' He basically handles it with "I don't want to hear that sort of thing, we are not going there." That's the way that he is.

Interestingly, when she asked me this, she was REALLY concerned (I could see it on her face -- obviously one of her "voices" had just raised this question with her). What did I do? I started laughing. I said "We should BE so lucky! Can you imagine how much easier it would be if the world was coming to an end?? We could just run up our credit cards, and no bills! Heck no, there is no WAY that the world is coming to an end -- the IRS would NEVER allow that." She actually nodded her head, and said "Oh! Yeah that's a good point. That totally makes sense" -- and started raking again.

Now -- I am not sure whether she would still be "worrying about" that question if she had asked her father, and gotten his usual response (which just basically says "We're not going to discuss that, be quiet.") With my response -- which of course comes out of my being a smart *ss I guess -- she was TOTALLY happy in the next minute.

This is a little bit of a strange example, but I was thinking about it when I was typing up my notes from the NSA seminars. I think that there is a lot to say about that "laughing makes you breathe again" thing.

Just a thought.

S

Another quote from NSA

2006-03-06T13:08:00.000-08:00

Empower OTHERS by letting them do their job/helping them do their job easier -- support them in their success. (Susan Baker on what she does as a speaker for the hospitals she speaks to.)

First impression checklist (paraphrased from list from Susan Baker)

2006-03-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

Do you speak first, when you meet a colleague or someone you don't know?
Are you quick to smile?
Do you introduce yourself, giving first/last name clearly?
Do you make eye contact?
Do you use the other person's name at least once?
Do you speak with the other person at the same physical level (apparently there was a Cornell study where it was shown that waitresses that "bend their knees" when handing over the check to get "down to the level of the table" had much higher tips than those that didn't -- heck, they will study ANYTHING won't they! LOL)
Is your clothing and work area free of inappropriate messages? (One thing I thought of when thinking of my grrl Mica is that if she has a lot of photos of her daughter, etc. at her workplace, it will seem that she's very "comfortable" there and "settled." I did this on purpose when I moved into my first general counsel position...because I didn't want them to think they could kick me out easily! But if one wants to actually LEAVE a position and be "Ready to Move" -- then the fewer personal things around, the better.)
Do you refrain from making negative comments, especially about colleagues?
Do you appear happy in your position?

Quote from Abstract from Journal of Consumer Psychology re voice tone

2006-03-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

Chattopadhyah, A., Dahl, D.W., Ritchie, R.J.B., Shahin, K. 2003 "Hearing Voices: The Impact of Announcer Speech Characteristics on Consumer Response to Broadcast Advertising," Journal of Consumer Psychology, 13(3): 198-2004. ABSTRACT: "Broadcast advertising is a multi-billion dollar industry whose effectiveness depends on the voices used to convey the sales message, yet the influence of individual voice traits remains poorly understood. We identify three important voice characteristics -- syllable speed, interphrase pausation, and pitch -- and test competing explanations for how speech rate affects consumer response to advertising. Specifically, we investigate whether a moderate increase in speech rate enhances or reduces processing of the ad, and whether this effect is driven primarily by syllable speed or interphrase pausation. Answering these questions provides insight into whether the changes in processing stem from changes in opportunity to process and/or motivation to process. Our results show that a voice with faster-than-normal syllable speed and low pitch produces fewer negative ad-directed cognitive responses, along with more favorable ad and brand attitudes, lending support to the motivational explanation. No significant effects were found for interphrase pausation suggesting that the results cannot be accounted for by reduced opportunity to process in the compressed conditions."

This is exactly my stand with respect to the Bond Grrl "voice" -- that you want to speak at that lower "pitch" (remember the exercise to "find your Bond Grrl voice"?) and slightly faster than usual (though not like an auctioneer), which is not only "easy on the ear" but also engaging.

Miscellany from "Day of the Divas" 3/06 NSA Meeting and Podcast on Mystery Writers

2006-03-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

All day Saturday I was at a seminar, a "Day of the Divas" put on by the National Speakers Association. It was a lot of fun, and it made me take a LOT of notes -- which I am of course going to "consolidate" here.

I have also started to listen to a new podcast -- it's by a gal called something like Louisa May Alcott (it's actually Laura Mills Alcott) -- who interviews female mystery/thriller writers. There were a few things said in one of the podcasts that I also jotted down, that reminded me of "Bond grrls." (Of course, it's a bit easier to "jot down" notes in a seminar than speeding along in the pouring rain over the Golden Gate Bridge listening to my iPod...ya, you do NOT want to be drivin' if you see the crazy grey SUV...)

Anyway, so here are the notes, for what they're worth:

On the podcast, one of the writers was talking about one of her female characters. She said that she writes characters that are "not heroes," but that wind up being "heroic" nonetheless -- she said something along the lines of "They are terrified the whole time, but they do it." In other words, they just have to sink or swim and they swim (maybe after sinking a little)...and they make it.

This is the perfect definition of a Bond Grrl and why they are so close to my heart. If you look at Lara Croft, James Bond, Charlie's Angels, etc., they are all "heroic." (Well, you might not think an Angel is heroic, but in this way, she is...she is "paid" to be a "natural hero.") A Bond Grrl gets "put" in a situation where she winds up having to do heroic things...and she does. She's an ordinary person in extraordinary circumstances. She's not "paid to do these things" (like Bond is, or an Angel is). She winds up doing these "extraordinary things" in her support of Bond's mission (and usually, "against her will"...meaning, she didn't "mean to be in the situation" that he winds up putting her in. Think e.g. the computer programmer Natalya in Goldeneye, or Dr Jones in The World is Not Enough).

As an aside, if you think I come up with these names/movie pairings out of thin air, no, I cheat:

http://www.geocities.com/ultimatejbwebsite/bondgirls.html

Anyway -- what that thriller writer said about her "favorite" characters in her books resonated with me as to why I really ~like~ Bond grrls as opposed to the more "heroic" woman characters that "kick *ss and take names" (a la Bond).

Again, in no particular order, other things (these from the NSA seminar):

"...and now, before I close to my standing ovation..." This was the way that the lunch speaker (who DID get a standing ovation) closed her speech. It was just so funny. I loved it. Gotta remember that one. Her name was Mikki Williams, and I have a LOT of notes from her seminar. Here they are, just as "notes" (not going to go through and order these):

"When people laugh they relax -- and when they relax, they can take in more information." This is a great quote that ties in with my post from a couple days ago, about laughing when you hear something "bad" about yourself -- it also ties in with the idea that humor can really "diffuse" a situation. If you can make something humorous, it gets people breathing...and it gets them from being so dug into their positions. There is a lot to say about laughter -- and I have a whole "chapter" on your "laugh" in a previous post!

This gal said of herself: "I have had 9 careers. Obviously, I just can't hold a job."

This really made me laugh -- since I've had a similar situation, moving through a number of "careers" until now. She had done a lot of things successfully, then moved on to something else (as a "serial entrepreneur"). Now, she is a 6-figure public speaker, and that's all she does. One of the other speakers, Susan Baker, was actually asked if she spoke "to get consulting gigs" and her answer was really funny -- she said "I'm not smart enough to be a consultant. I get paid to speak, motivate and inspire [she speaks to hospitals about patient relations mainly] -- and then the client realizes they need someone to come in and do the specifics. That's not me." I really liked that. I think that most people speak as an "adjunct" to their "business" -- e.g., to "get more business for their 'real' business." I want to be more like Susan Baker. I want to speak, and "coach," and get paid enough so that I don't have to do anything else but that. She also talked about how this frees you up to really research, really give inspiring speeches, etc. -- because you don't have some "consulting project" that's on a back burner while you're out in Kansas speaking to some group or another. I was inspired by that.

Both Susan Baker and Mikki suggested a book called "Don't Let The Funny Stuff Get Away" by Jeanne Robertson. Apparently, one of the big things that it suggests is keeping a humor/story journal, categorized into various subjects that you are likely to speak about. Susan Baker also spoke about keeping a "speaking journal," because she has repeat business. She keeps in this journal what she wore, what stories she told (or didn't have time to tell), what handouts she used, and the like. She says that she makes sure she has at least 1/2 hour after every speech to fill this journal out, because she says she needs to "immediately" record what worked/didn't work, what questions she got, etc. She says that she doesn't LIKE to do it, but that it has made her a much, much better speaker, and when she comes back, she doesn't have the embarrassing situation of telling the same story twice to illustrate a point (or wearing the same suit (laugh)).

She gave a great example that I think is really applicable to Bond girls in training, too. She said that at one point she was at a "seminar" that her minister held, to try to come up with ideas to help make new parishioners feel more comfortable. The meeting was with his solid churchgoers (of which she was one, I believe). The minister said that one of the things that people often do, trying to make a new person feel "comfortable," is to ask "Are you new here?" It's an easy question, but it actually could be insulting -- as the person might just have been going to evening services when you were going to day services, stuff like that. So after discussing other things that one could say, he decided to do a "role play," and asked Susan to come up and be the "greeter." They had talked about all sorts of other things to say, and she was to roll play it out, with him as the visitor.

She said she came up to him, asked his name, asked whether he'd like to come to the coffee after the service, and then she said the next thing out of her mouth was "Oh, are you new?" She said it got a big laugh because of course she is a "professional speaker" and there she was -- saying just what she "wasn't supposed to!"

Her point was that when you're trying to "embody" a new concept, you go from "I know that" (meaning, it's just intellectual, you "know" that saying something else will make people feel more comfortable but you are not sure how to "do that") to "I know how to do that" (meaning, you have a script to follow -- but you still might mess up because you haven't practiced it and you "unconsciously" do what you have done before, but you "realize right away" that you should have done something else) to "I do that" (meaning, you have changed and "embodied" the new concept). So, if you are making a change, it's just not enough to say "I know that" or "I know how to do that" -- you have to practice it and when you slip up -- that's how it's going to go, until you've "embodied" it.

Another thing Susan Baker said that I thought was really interested was that as a speaker, "you don't get paid for the content -- your audience might even know the content better than you do -- you get paid for developing the content for the audience in a way that's so engaging, that they can embody it quicker." I really like that. I hope that's what I am doing for my "baby Bond grrls."

Another quote from her: "In his book 'John Adams,' David McCullough wrote that Adams was such a student of people that every time he met someone, he would go home and write their names down, and what made them special, then alphabetize so that he kept that information handy in case he met them again." Apparently he did it for EVERYONE he met. What a great thing to aspire to!

Back to notes from Mikki's talk (I'm jumping around, don't shoot me):

On the "humor journal": If something makes 1 laugh, 10 will - write it down so you remember to use it. Also: "It's not how you play the game, it's what you wear when you play it" (made me laugh).

She had 4 things she wanted to "convey" to the audience for us as professional speakers, but also for us "personally" which I wrote down and really liked. I think that a lot of this truly applies to the Bond grrl "challenge" as well. The thing to know about this speaker is she was CRAZY looking -- she looked like a cross between Barbra Streisand and Bette Midler, HUGE hair, a bright blue miniskirt dress (she was in her 50s) and serious (5"?) blue and rhinestone platform heels. She told a story about when she first decided to be a public speaker, she spoke to aerobic instructors to motivate them (because she had been one, and then she had owned a gym). One of the "ditziest" instructors (lesson: don't judge your audience and who is going to be your "gold mine") brought her husband with her to hear the speech again -- he turned out to be a honcho for Ernst and Young -- he asked her to speak for Inc's 500 Top Entrepreneurs for her "first paid gig" (she said she "almost fell over" when he proposed the $ he would pay her, though of course now she knows that it was a "lowball" payment for a speaking gig).

In talking to him about her speaking engagement, she asked what she should "look like" and "talk about." He wisely said "Be who you are -- just like this -- and talk about what you're talking about -- just like this." Apparently the year before they had had Jack Welch (!!) and were "Bored" (she said "I didn't know who Jack Welch was and so I wasn't intimidated").

She said of the 1,000s of speeches she has given, this was "one of 3" that she was actually nervous before she went out on stage. She stepped out, and the 500 entrepreneurs were like the CEO of Subway, CEO of Federal Express -- you get it, Big Wigs. She apparently wow'd them -- and her career was born. She wound up speaking at almost all of their companies as a motivational speaker, because each one of the men (all men) in that audience was so taken with her that they wanted her to come and speak to their "teams." So as she said -- do what you do best, be who you are -- and don't underestimate the "unlikeliest" person in your audience to potentially be your link to your loftiest goals.

She said she had 4 things to "impart to us as speakers" -- "some of which could be applicable to your life." They were:

1. WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get): Don't judge your audience - talk to them as people - and be the same person off and on the platform - don't adapt to "them" - be authentic. Be yourself and be comfortable - that will make them comfortable.

2. PIES challenge: speakers have to take risks. In life, in their careers, and on the platform. She said that she wanted everyone in the room to take 4 risks, and to be held accountable for them. There were postcards on our table, with the initials "PIES" down the side, and a date. We were made to write down challenges, and when we were complete (we only had a month - so we put a date of April 3, 2006) -- we were to mail them in to her. We didn't have to put our names, but we did have to "do it" (said she). She also said "Without accountability there is no predictability."

The P-I-E-S stood for these risks (either personal, or on the speaking platform, or in your career):

a. P=Physical: (examples on platform - incorporate magic, dance, create a character for your speeches). What's outside your comfort zone, that you're not doing? Pick something, and do it before the month is out.

b. I=Intellectual (examples: read outside your genre, learn PowerPoint, write some poetry, do something that's outside your intellectual "comfort zone"). Susan Baker talked about the fact that if you can get some examples for your speaking stories that you can "analogize to" out of magazines that you NEVER read, it's much better than to use analogies/stories from magazines you "always" read. This is because your audience is usually also going to read the "journals that you always read," but is far less likely to read, for example, "Surfer Magazine" (unless that's your "thing"). SO if you can "broading yourself" in this way, you wind up being much more engaging, because they will "assume" you are reading in your general area -- but quoting from "outside" that area shows them that you are more well-rounded.

c. E=Emotional (be vulnerable on the platform, look at it from audience's (or your spouse's) perspective, be understanding, tell people you love them, share part of yourself, "don't let saying you love someone go unsaid and they die on you"). Be attached to the process (which you have some control over) not the outcome (which is something you can't affect).

d. S=Spiritual (something you can't touch - go on a retreat to see where you want to go with your life, do something kind, get audiences involved, give back. Uniquely your own. Do it.)

3. "Anchors" Away: Have something that you do repeatedly, that people will "remember you for." Hers was getting people to say "Yo!" instead of "Yes" in answer to "Are you ready?" etc. Repeat them on the back of your business card, so that people immediately "remember who you are." Her card shows a charicature of her with huge hair, and then has WYSIWYG and "Yo!" on the back. The idea of Anchors is to get the whole audience involved in a more 'holistic' way -- whether it's the fact that you wear hats, carry a baton -- can be all different things -- but do something that will be uniquely you. It brings "Physicality" and "Predictability" into your life and people remember "what they are getting" when they get "you." What makes you special/different/unique? The idea is to create your image in your comfort zone, and then manifest it.

This is very much like what I am saying when training Bond Grrls. Not everyone is going to look alike -- far from it. But the idea is to realize what you are "on the inside" -- and then be "congruent" in yourself, your "look," and your attitude on the "outside." If you are trying to be "unlike" what you really are, then in effect you are lying. Again, the key to a Bond Grrl (as opposed to Bond, who might need to try to "take on disguises" etc. as he is a spy) is that she "is who she is" (WYSIWYG). If you are putting on an "act" that is not "you," then that's not being a Bond Grrl.

What Mikki said, which was interesting, is to "Go with" (play up) what the audience is going to be talking about, about you. This means you want to talk about it first - which "diffuses the potential negatives" of them "talking about" you. She said you want to be comfortable about whatever "it" is (whether it's the fact that you're pregnant, or heavy, or very tall, or in a wheelchair, or whatever). She said that self-effacing humor is "how we diffuse the audience's comments about us" and "stops them from judging us" -- which is what stops them from "listening to us." If you seem different from someone, but then ADDRESS that difference, what you're basically saying is "I'm in your head and know what you're thinking" (e.g., "see, I'm just like you!") -- which helps them "bridge the gap" instead of staying on "their side of the gap" where you are "different." If you're "different," often you will not be considered an "expert" or "listened to" as effectively -- even if it's something silly that makes you "different" like the way you look or that you are a different colored skin than they are, etc. If you address it right off, and make a little fun of it, they will laugh and then you're both on the "same side of the gap."

4. Come To Your Senses. When you are trying to get people to listen to you, or to come around to your way of thinking, you need to incorporate all the senses. Make speech a "sensory experience" -- this way listeners will not only remember you, but they will have actual "links" to remember your story/message, and will feel it at "every level." There are 5 senses -- some easier to incorporate than others:

a. Visual. Use props. Take a physical/emotional risk, and if you're talking about "this isn't worth a can of beans" have a can of beans. As she said, "Visual is more than just PowerPoint." (She, of course, doesn't use PowerPoint or computers at all -- because her "Big Schtick" is to be a loud, New York Jewish, over-the-top type -- and that "persona" doesn't go with someone who does PowerPoint.) She said that to get visuals into speeches, think metaphorically in terms of tangible things. Go over all your speeches and stories, then walk through a toy store and see what you can use as a prop. Use colors as an accent and as an anchor (e.g., pink= Mary Kay). Keep a common thread, and keep it "in sight."

b. Taste. If you are giving a talk, give out chocolate hearts if it's a "heart warming" speech -- or hot chocolate mix. Give out "Good and Plenty" candies and work "good" and "plenty" into your schtick. Give out chocolate money if you're talking about something that will "sweetly increase your abundance." Give out Tootsie rolls and then tell people "You're on a roll." You can have them on the tables if you are speaking to groups at round tables, or you can personally hand them out on the audience's way out. As an "inclusion" exercise, you could have a pile of M&Ms on a table and tell people to pick a color, and then to discuss why that "represents" them (and then of course they can eat them).

c. Sound: Her example was that at one point she had a "breaking the rules [barriers]" seminar, and she gave out rulers (with her name and number printed on both ends!). She made everyone break the "rulers" with a big 1-2-3 SNAP to signify that they were going to "break the rules" when they got out into The Real World after her talk. Then, of course, people also walk away with tangibles -- one of the people in the audience with us in fact raised his hand and said that he still had his up on his bulletin board at his office. She said "When was that speech?" and he answered,"About 6 years ago" Wow -- as she said, if you give people something to "tie in to" like that, it's "better than giving away a keychain" -- because they have something "invested" in that "2 cent object...which just happens to have your name on it." It's much harder to throw it away -- which is a secondary benefit and something that works for you.

She also always uses music tied into her entrance/exit, and then, if she has enough time, into her speech. People get emotionally tied back into the song. (She used "Hey Mikki" when she came in, and then "I've Had The Time Of My Life" when she was wrapping up -- the latter with a schmaltzy "You have been the best audience/I ~have~ had the time of my life" William-Shatneresque "talk" that she did over it -- but it actually did work.)

d. Touch: For her, this is the P-I-E-S cards. Could also be the ruler -- or laminated cards with your "mantra" on them (e.g., WYSIWYG, Yo!, etc.). She at one point gave away a rubber band and a marble, to represent "When you think you're losing your marbles, stay flexible."

e. Smell: This is tough, but do it if you can. For her, she uses PlayDough as a signature part of her speech, which has a very distinctive smell. Chocolate does too. As she pointed out -- when you pass Mrs Fields' Cookies in the mall, you are actually NOT smelling "freshly baked cookies" -- they pump out the SCENT of freshly baked cookies to reel you in. Scent is very important and if you can work it in, try.

Her final words:
Try something outrageous and uncomfortable for you.
Get in front of audiences and do things that give you that adrenaline/fear rush.
Be outrageous -- it's the only place that's not crowded.
There's never a traffic jam on the "extra mile" -- so go there.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AND, if you've made it this far, what the heck, I have a new favorite CD to recommend, Bettye LaVette, "I Have My Own Hell To Raise." GO GRRRRL! :-)

Solitaire

Laughter: The Best Weapon

2006-03-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

I wrote to my Baby Bond Grrl Mica this evening, about a "situation" she was having.

Basically, she is smarter (and prettier I might add -- HELLO, beautiful!) for the job that she has right now. She has applied for another job, that more fits her expertise. She is facing some women in her current position (none of whom could move ahead, because they don't have that education/etc. -- and maybe not the drive either), who are "dissing" her.

She finds out from one person, that another is saying things about her that aren't true. She is afraid that her potential "new boss" will hear about them, and attribute these things to her.

What to do?

The first thing is to call the potential "new boss" right away and leave a voicemail (she never answers her phone) stating that she wants to "answer any potential issues" that might have come up with respect to her "fit for her new job." (She should own it as hers). Then, as she has "not gotten a hold of" the boss (and sounds very light, friendly), she can follow up with an email just asking the same thing.

A voicemail (or in-person visit) is always "friendlier" (and harder to dismiss) than an email. Email, though it's certainly the way that ~I~ personally communicate most!, is not very "personal" or "friendly" (meaning, you can ignore it easier). Even if someone doesn't answer a voicemail, that's "you" there, sounding cheerful, bright and light. You're a person. In an email, you're whatever they decide you are -- they can hear your "voice" however they are feeling "about you" at that moment (which might be colored by gossip, by their bad lunch, etc).

But when it comes to dealing with people that are "diss'ing" you, this is my biggest hint -- LAUGH. When you hear that someone is saying "bad stuff" about you, it hurts. I know. Been there. But the thing to do when you hear it from a third party is just to LAUGH at it -- I mean, a REAL laugh. (Come on now, you're a Bond grrl, you can act right? (smile).) If someone where to say that you ate guinea pigs or that they caught you on a postcard doing the nasty with a donkey or something (I just heard you say OH, can she WRITE THAT? I just did!) -- what would you do? Would you get all "huffy" and "belligerent" and "defensive"? My guess (ok unless these sound close to home and you didn't want me to find out (smile)) is that you would just LAUGH them off. You'd smile, laugh, roll your eyes, say "man, can you BELIEVE that?" And you would be DONE giving energy to it. Because it would just be that crazy.

And when it got back to the "gossiper" what you did -- it takes their power away. The "intermediary" has some sort of agenda, even if they "say they want to be your friend" -- they are somehow in that "frenemy" category. They want to see what happens when they tell you what's being said. They are getting some sort of car-wreck thrill. But if you don't give any juice to the gossip -- if you laugh about it and then (key, hard part!) you DON'T PUT ANY MORE ENERGY INTO IT -- guess what? It will start stopping.

It's hard to do. Believe me, I know. I'm not that good at this! But it gets easier if you practice it. The thing is, if what they are saying is actually not true, and you know it is, make it WAY MORE "untrue" (the guinea pig or donkey variety) and hold that picture, and roll your eyes and laugh at it and treat it that way. Don't start getting down, obsessing about "what people think," or being defensive. Because those are "victim positions" that let the gossipper be your "master." They are running YOUR emotions, your insides, your stomach. If the stories were just a little more outrageous, they would not -- because you would just say "pffffft no WAY" and laugh and basically say "hey, thanks for letting me know, but you know what? That's just trash" and move on.

By being defensive/obsessing/etc., we add "energy" to that ball of negatives. Which means, it gives power to the other side. And they can get stronger "off you" for it.

So if something is going on and you think it might be damaging because people will BELIEVE IT and somehow it will affect your life, then go to the place you think might be affected (that's all you care about anyway) and "beard the lion in its den" as they say -- but strongly, powerfully. If that person believes the trash, and you lose a job, or a friend, or a lover -- well, there you go. It wasn't an energetic match for you. (Imagine you GET a job where a boss doesn't believe in you, but believes trash about you. Do you really want it, no matter how good it looks? Maybe not). And if something is going on and you think that it really will NOT be damaging because people will NOT believe it, or if the people who believe it don't mean ANYTHING TO YOU -- then laugh.

I'm old now (40-something). And this is one thing I have learned. There are always more friends out there. In fact, there are so many people that want to be your friend, that there are not enough hours to spend quality time with all of them. That is a fact. Similarly, there are a bunch of great jobs out there. If you take the effort and the risk, they are waiting for you. The Universe is a loving and a giving place. Let it be so.

Quote for the Day....

2006-02-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

"There's no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love. There is only a scarcity of resolve to make it happen. "

Last night, I had my quarterly "telephone chat" with my roommate from college. It's always one of those "gee, I wish you lived closer" things when we have our talk.

One of the things that we talked about was "pursuing your passion." My ex-roomie really does do a job that she pretty much loves (it "has its ups and downs" but she's done it now for over 20 years -- wow, how did we get that old! (laugh)). She also has some "hobbies" that she now is good enough at (Shiatsu Massage and photography) that she enjoys, and also gets paid to do! :-)

I have always, since college, had a job -- I have always "paid my own way." But, except for one brief instant, I have never really had a job that I just "loved." (The job that I "loved" was being an athlete agent's assistant at Advantage International, where I helped with the 1988 Olympians. That was the greatest job...unfortunately, as with all jobs dealing with "stars," it paid a pittance and when I asked for a much-deserved raise, they basically said "hey, we have people writing us daily who want to do what you do for FREE" (which they did!). I quit -- I couldn't really "afford" to stay -- but I am always sad when I think about it.)

My ex-roommate (let's call her Leia, which would make her laugh -- inside joke) constantly reminds me that I have a "habit" of landing on my feet (e.g., "making enough money"), regardless of what job I do. Even when I was "downsized" with "nowhere to go" unexpectedly in 2002, I never had to "put my mortgage on credit cards" as they say -- I downsized my life, worked like crazy, and started my own business immediately (doing what I had been "downsized from"), with the result that I did indeed land on my feet. I've even moved across country (and to another country), and as Leia always points out, I have actually never, ever, had to "beg" -- I have always found some way to land on my feet.

The thing that we were talking about, though, is that my "passion and dream" is to quit all the other jobs that I currently have going on, and concentrate on Building Bond Grrls. That is my passion and my dream, period. I love, eat, breathe and sleep this stuff. The only problem that I have had is that when I have to teach AND fill the classes, I find I am great at the first, and terrible at the second! Filling seminars, if you ask me, is like "herding cats"!

So what I really need is a manager -- and "faith" I guess. As I said, this was a large portion of our conversation last night -- and today when she got in, her boss's "inspirational email" for the day was the quote above. Pretty appropriate, huh?

I am in the middle of "ordering" my life, after moving in with my James...trying to rent out my house, find some folks that want to take care of my horses, etc. In short, paring down on expenses. But at the same time, I have been trying to get out of running my own law firm, because though I'm good at it, it's just not that much fun. I actually got my real estate license, but I think that was a mistake -- it's a LOT more expensive than you would think (thousands to pay for your "desk fee," insurance, etc.), and to paraphrase that book "He's Just Not That Into You," well, "I'm Just Not That Into It." Part of that might be the fact I don't have any active buyers or sellers -- and keeping up on the market just isn't something I'm "passionate" about. Leia and I last night spoke about our mothers -- each is an inveterate "Lookie-Loo" when it comes to houses, going around to all the Opens, etc. I don't have that sort of curiosity. I think that the idea of the real estate license was to work doing something I do like (meeting people, sales) while combining my legal background, and also on the "back burner," ultimately finding a house for my James and me to move into in a few years' time.

So I do those things, I also still have some massage clients, I also do the sex education/Passion Parties as part, really, of the fEmpowerment "thing." Again though, of all of those things, I love the education/Parties the best -- but I fall down on the job of booking them. I need a manager! :-))

This year, I need to concentrate on doing the things that I'm passionate about. I do think I made a mistake with the real estate thing, and so it's hard to get "excited" about it. What I probably need to do is get a deal going, to get me back "excited" about it. I do want to roll up the law stuff, and need something to "replace" it -- at least, to replace the "new blood" I need each month to keep things going. I have my "stable" clients that need me (just not enough!) If I could keep them and have a real estate deal now and again -- and not WORRY -- that would be great.

It's interesting -- I got a bunch of folks together with the idea of doing a Seniors Seminar (real estate-related issues for people over 55). I got a great group together, there were great ideas -- then I'm expected to pay for the whole thing, plus "design the post card" etc. etc. I just can't be bothered, frankly. It's such a shame. I'm a fantastic public speaker, but make me put TOGETHER the "engagement," do the post card, mail out all the lists, get the hotel, get the coffee and danish.....pay pay pay for the "possibility" of some business....even the paying part isn't as odious to me as just the "putting it all together" responsibility. Makes me sad -- I have great ideas, and they fall to the wayside because -- Surprise!!! -- I need a manager! (laugh)

I'm glad that I'm finally on my way in writing the book. (How? I got a manager! Yes, really, I hired someone to help me. Finally, I figured it out....(laugh).) I got a bit of a scare from Paul Kyriazi (who forwarded me the reporter -- see the previous post)...he said he thought she was writing a book, NOT an article. If that's the case, I certainly need to hop to it! I think that the bones and most of the "flesh" are there -- it's just pounding it out.

Yesterday before my call with "Leia," I had a real "stop short and smell the coffee" moment. A very very good but "new" girlfriend (we've known one another for about a year or so) and I used to see one another every other week at a social thing, which I stopped going to because I moved. We "vowed" to stay in touch, because I really DO like her and she was the main reason I kept going as long as I did. Anyway -- she called me on the 17th, leaving a message to give her a ring. I'm not very good at returning messages (much better with email, which she doesn't have). I also had surgery, then I had seminars for a week, then my James and I did a "get-away" to Carmel for his birthday. So suddenly it was almost 10 days later, and I called her back for a "chat."

Well, she told me yesterday that on the 17th she found out she had breast cancer -- and she's going in for surgery on Monday. It might be bad -- they can't tell until they are "in." She's like me -- very small breasted -- I just am so shocked, as is she (we teased once that we would "never have this problem" because the cancer would never "find" our breasts!). As soon as I spoke with her, I of course dropped everything and drove on over to see her -- a LONG drive (about 1.5 hours, give or take, each way). She wanted to go pick up some wine that we each get quarterly at a wine club in the Wine County -- so we drove on up there, picked up the wine, giggled some (the tasting room gal we like was there, which was super fun -- we got there just as she was closing and she "let us in, but just this once..")....then I drove her back home. We talked about it in the car, but it was kinda "easier" than if we were just sitting there on the couch. Lots of driving for me....lots of talking (and giggling and a lot of crying).....I still can't believe that she had called 10 days before and there I was, not calling back. I mean - you never KNOW why someone calls - but that was such a shock. (I also can't believe I was out driving yesterday -- the rain, wind, and HAIL was so bad, that I was driving about 25 on the highway with my wipers on full blast -- nasty, nasty.)

The worst bit (or maybe the BEST bit) is that yesterday is the only day in the foreseeable future that I could fairly easily do what I did. For the next couple weeks, I am totally slammed with actual "meetings" and such. Yesterday I just had "work to do" but no "people to see" -- so I saw my friend, had my chat with "Leia," and then worked late and finished up what I had to do. I wasn't able to tell my friend I could "come to see her after the surgery" -- because I am not sure that I really can. This makes me a little crazy. For the next 2-3 weeks, I am scheduled down to the minute in "chunks" of the day -- e.g., a massage client 1-2, or a seminar from 2-3, things like that -- so I can't just take a big "chunk" and drive back over there. I'm sure glad I called when I did.

So, the two things that I learned yesterday are (a) life is WAY SHORTER and WAY MORE SURPRISING than you might think, be ready....and (b) I gotta really get my head around "doing what I'm passionate about" -- and believe (like Leia says she already knows) that the "money will be there."

OK OK, THREE things....and.....that I need a manager!!!!

Solitaire

My Email "Interview" with Sahar Khan

2006-02-20T18:05:00.000-08:00

Today I received an email from Sahar Khan, a writer based in Chicago. She stated that she had received my information from Paul Kyriazi, who wrote the book "How To Live The James Bond Lifestyle." As Paul is an amazing man and I consider him a friend, I knew that Sahar was not likely just "shining me on." So I took my time to answer the questions...what do you think? How would you have answered them differently?

Solitaire.

What do you teach in your seminars?
You can see our seminars at www.fempowerment.com

What does living the Bond girl lifestyle entail?
The "50,000 ft. view" of a Bond girl lifestyle is that the Bond girl has her own life/business (e.g., she might own a circus, fly planes, be an attorney, or the like), but somewhere in her life (and I use the metaphor of the Bond girl's relationship to Bond), she has to be "#1 at being #2." She is a member of a team, but not the "leader" of that team (except as a "Kinetic Leader"...I learned about this concept from Robyn Benincasa of "World Class Teams" -- see www.worldclassteams.com. The idea of "Kinetic Leadership" in a nutshell is that when the team turns to you for your expertise, you are ready with it -- but you let others lead when it's not).

And, a Bond girl is "indispensible" because she is actually not #1. Think of the movies -- the Bond girl has a "depth" of specific knowledge in an area, and Bond utilizes that depth because he "needs her" specific knowledge -- but she is not the "lead." The best way I can describe this is that a Bond girl is a "best supporting actress." I find that usually the women that take the seminars are high-powered in their own right -- COOs, running their own businesses, and the like -- but they have somehow "forgotten" how to be #2. How to be "sexy" while also being "empowered." They wind up (if single) not having dates on Friday night, or only being able to talk about themselves (forgetting how to listen and be curious about a potential "James"), or (if married/partnered) not being willing to be "supportive" of their "James" e.g., looking for a "quid pro quo" for anything they "give," or to "lead" all the time.

In the movies, though the Bond girl is definitely her own woman/a lead in her business (think, for example, Dr Christmas Jones the nuclear physicist in The World Is Not Enough), she takes a "supporting" role when she is in relation to Bond. She is not the one out "fighting the bad guys" but she is DEFINITELY the one controlling the "open/close" switch for Bond to get back after HE fights the bad guys, etc. Many MANY people think of Bond girls somehow as "the bimbo that sleeps with Bond in the movie." I always smile at that, when you look at the women like Honey Rider, Pussy Galore, Dr Christmas Jones, and the like. Oh sure -- there are some "women" thrown in there who just lie down with an "Oh James" -- but they're never the "actual" Bond girl from that movie, they are usually some doctor who Bond needs to clear him to go back into action, etc. Again -- the deal here is that the Bond girls, even back decades ago -- were always really 'ahead of their time' with respect to what jobs they were doing -- Pussy Galore for example had her own "flying" circus -- Octopussy ran an ~actual~ circus. I think the coffee table book "Bond Girls Are Forever" lays out my position about Bond Girls fairly well, as does my website. :-)

What are its main attractions?
The main attractions of living the life of a Bond girl is that you (a) live a life of passion and (b) are "indispensible" to someone in the meantime. You live a quality life -- not a quantity life. A Bond girl needs to be prepared to be spontaneous -- she needs to keep time free, to say No when she needs to, to have time for herself. What if her James comes home one day and says "Let's go to Paris!" Is she going to have to say "oh my, No, I have to take the kids to soccer, I have to..."...? She has to be prepared to be spontaneous. A Bond girl knows who is going to watch the cats, walk the dog, feed the plants...and if she's going to take the kids too, how to get them their lesson plans and get on the plane! Or -- she has to have a Plan B for them. The people and situations around her support who she is.

Remember, a Bond girl is indispensible. By being the "support" of James, she actually does key things, and doesn't argue that she is somehow in a "secondary" position. And as such -- she is a key link in getting the job done -- from that position. I honestly believe that many women have lost this fEmpowered (feminine + empowered) lifestyle in their quest for the Big Corner Office or, as I heard at one Women In Business seminar, in their desire to "kick down the doors and come in, guns blazing." Bond Girls have quiet mastery over their business, while also taking the role of "#2" calmly and easily.

What's an example? Imagine if Dr Christmas Jones were to have said to Bond (when he tells her "I will swim out here to get the bad guy, you stay here to push this button") "oh NO. ~I~ want to be the #1. ~I~ want to swim and get the bad guy. ~You~ stay back here and push the button." They would have both drowned.

Bond girls know where they lead -- but also where they follow. As my website says -- net/net, Bond is a government employee (smile) -- and there are 8 others "just like him" one must imagine (as he's "007" of the "double Os" -- so they must run from 001 to 009 at least, right?). But each Bond girl is unique. Think even of the Bonds themselves -- there have been 1/2 dozen of them -- but no Bond girl repeats with a new actress playing her.

I found that in the last Bond film, the Bond girls started moving more in a "Lara Croft" direction. I am sorry to see this. Many people think that the idea of being a Bond girl is a Lara Croft-type character -- or, at a softer level, a "Charlie's Angel." That's not my thesis. Bond girls are definitely different. They are "regular women" who rise to "extraordinary circumstances"; they are women who Bond needs to accomplish his mission, and as such, he appreciates and counts on them., without anyone making a "big deal" out of it.

How can a woman on a budget live that life?
VERY EASILY. She needs to do what she's passionate about -- and she needs to NOT live "beyond her means." Many nascent Bond girls' -- and, if you watch Oprah, most women's -- big BIG issues revolve around debt management. Bond girls figure out what they're passionate about -- and they do that (that's the thing they are #1 in). But then they go through their clothes/makeup/car/desk/purse/etc. and they pare down to the MINIMUM that will allow them to be chic, saavy, confident, appealing, "ready." A Bond girl is NOT a clotheshorse -- especially if it puts her $10,000 in debt! In fact, the less she has, the better -- because the less she has, the less she needs to "worry about" if Bond says "time to help me with this adventure." A Bond girl is congruent within herself -- she is balanced at her core, she is passionate and stable, ready and sexy -- and she doesn't need to buy her umpteenth pair of designer jeans or the latest "bling" to "show" it. In fact, she doesn't need to "show" it at all.

I have had women who are hair stylists, COOs, owners of their own companies, housewives, students, and the like take my seminars. The key to being a Bond girl, in fact, is really travelling light in ALL ways. That means getting rid of "frenemies" (friends who are really enemies -- who talk you down, make you purchase things you don't need, gossip, etc.), getting rid of debt, getting rid of bad attitudes, getting rid of clothes that bind or makeup that's old. Bond girls exercise -- so that they're healthy and prepared. They choose their image, and then they go for it -- within their budget. They aren't know it alls (Bond is the one who needs to know what date of Bollinger champagne is the one to order), BUT they have done some investigation into what they like and don't like (e.g., so they aren't stuck with saying "a glass of Chardonnay please" when they might actually like a negroni...much more mysterious!).

They also aren't "Eeek Girls." I had a friend who was taken out skeet shooting and when handed a gun, did the "Eeeeeek!" routine. This woman was trying to impress one of the guys that was on the shooting expedition -- and so instead of having him teach her about the shooting, wound up talking about how she "hates guns" and such (with her widdle fingers in the air barely touching the barrel of the gun: "Eeeeeeeeek!!!"). Give me a break. A Bond girl generally does NOT know how to do things outside of her own area of expertise -- but she is infinitely curious and ready to learn. (Even if something is something she might not "like" -- like my friend -- if she's in the situation, she will ALWAYS be game to try . Why was my friend out there if she was going to be an "Eeek Girl"? I have no idea -- but this is not what Bond girl does. She's feminine -- but she's empowered. She's NOT an "Eeek Girl." If she doesn't want to be in a situation -- she stays away. Otherwise -- she's game).

What essential gadgets would a woman need to emulate that lifestyle? For example, what kind of car,watch, briefcase, etc. should she have?

A Bond girl is all about attitude. And I don't mean she "has an attitude" -- I mean she is congruent in her own attitude and balanced in herself. She doesn't "need" any essential gadgets except to have an open mind and the ability to realize that her essentiality to Bond is all about supporting his mission. Again -- she has "her life" -- Bond girls are experts in their "area" and have deep knowledge that Bond doesn't really have. He has "a little knowledge about a lot of things," she has deep knowledge about a few things, which is why she's involved to begin with. A Bond girl, in fact, should have very FEW "gadgets" -- my seminars talk about clearing out her purse, desk, car , etc. -- the less "gadgets" (and attachments/schedules/etc.) in your life, the easier to "go to Paris" if Bond says "it's time."

I do recommend -- as a "goal" for a Bond girl who is learning to exercise/eat right/etc. -- that she have a passport. For that passport picture, the Bond girl will want to get herself into her view of her best self -- e.g., she might want to get her hair styled, go to a department store and (for free) get her makeup done, lose some weight, etc. Because that passport picture will be with her for a long long time! She does need, in my mind, to "know how to do" many things -- for example, general manners at meals, how to LISTEN, how to ballroom dance (at least to be able to dance the basics -- we're not talking Dancing With The Stars here!), how to drive a stickshift, etc. Because, again, she's going to be the one who often gets Bond out of a "jam" -- so the more skills she has, the better....though he is always the Star, she just doesn't want to be faced with being an "Eeek girl" if asked to rise to the occasion.

What specific clothing items would her wardrobe consist of and what should it look like design wise?

I recommend that all nascent Bond girls go through their wardrobe, and decide to have 2 basic "colors" out of the 3 possibilities of black, brown, or blue. They need first to go through that wardrobe and sort through any items that are torn/stained/too tight/"favorites" that are out of fashion, etc..........then separate them further into black/brown/blue bases. (I personally have black and brown.) If you pick black and brown, you have black shoes and brown shoes for example -- but you don't need 1,000 pair. Quality shoes -- polished and ready to go! -- is what you need, and GET RID of the ones that pinch your feet! (You can get designer shoes on eBay if they appeal to you and fit your foot -- from the other women who tried them once, walked in them so they couldn't return them, and then realized OOPS they weren't right!)

A Bond girl needs to be able to pack QUICKLY and efficiently (if her James comes in and says "Work is sending me to Paris -- ready?"). The way to do this is to decide in advance if you're going to take the "black based clothes" (which might include red/black/white/etc.) or the "brown based clothes" (which might include brown/orange/green/etc.). Then you only bring one pair of shoes (or two, day and evening, or three if you include sandals), but not SIX pair because you have jumbled up black and brown clothes into the suitcase. Again -- the idea is to have more hours in the day to do what you're passionate about (where you are "#1") but also to be able to be supportive of your "James" -- and anything that makes this easier is key.

A Bond girl generally looks "classic and stylish" -- which might mean a black suit (you can get Armani discounted on eBay now -- spend your money wisely!), with a colorful scarf or a "signature" pin that you wear all the time. Again -- a Bond girl is NOT MADE OF MONEY! In fact, she is usually a "working" girl (think again of Pussy Galore or Christmas Jones as examples) -- Bond wears all his expensive suits, etc. because he is PAID to have them -- his "gadgets" are supplied and he's on an expense account! A Bond girl is a "layperson" -- she is someone that got "caught up in" the story. So she has to be congruent in herself, her life, her style -- she is who she is. Bond masquerades as various characters...but not the Bond girl. So congruency in her "look" is key, and not buying lots of "flash" or "bling." A Bond girl, in fact, is classic and likely to be more in the "background" -- in a classic and classy way. She doesn't have to have "characters" or "costumes" -- because she is who she is. We can all think of a James Bond movie where Bond is "made" in 10 seconds because they look him up on an Internet (or their cellular phone!) and discover he's a secret agent. But the Bond girl, who is quietly standing in the background, is the one that's going to save his bacon.

How would you describe a Bond girl’s attitude and how can a woman achieve that attitude?
I think I have gone into this somewhat above -- there is more on this on my website.

How should a girl flirt with her own James Bond?
Bond girls don't "flirt" -- they "are." And their lives are congruent, chic, they don't have negative thoughts, they are "willing" they aren't "eek girls" -- they walk the walk and talk the talk, they listen and aren't "know it alls." THAT is immensely attractive. Why flirt? Just magnetize.

After she’s gotten the man, how should she keep him happy and interested?
By not trying to make him #2. By not catching him then ignoring him. This is the "Dr Laura" stuff -- she does it by knowing a man is a MAN not a WOMAN -- so don't share all your troubles with him the second he steps in the door...that's what you have your grrlfriends for. He doesn't have someone to tell HIS problems to -- that's what you're there for, don't be stingy about this! A guy can't tell his troubles to "the guys" -- he will look like he's not Top Dog. Be supportive of him in this -- help shoulder his burdens a bit.

And don't assume that he has to "do something" before you "do something." (Quid pro quo.) Just take a few minutes out of every single day to pay attention to him, to be "supportive not submissive. " The one thing that I know about true Bond girls is that they treat their men like men -- they aren't "doormats," but they also do things like be supportive, do their share, etc. Think 1950s in a way -- it does NOT TAKE A LOT OF EFFORT to look nice when you get home, to leave your troubles on the doorstep, etc. Chat with your girlfriends if you need to -- get your serotonin up (see e.g., "The Mars and Venus Diet And Exercise Solution" on this subject) -- but don't do it at your James' expense!

If you're a "harried" mother/wife/etc., well, sorry, how'd you get into the position of being so overwhelmed? You made choices. You still have choices. And part of those choices are being indispensible to your James -- the only true way to be treasured, in my opinion, is to be in that supportive role. Not to try to be a "leader" all the time. Though I know that there are women who are dominated by husbands, that's generally not the women that I am seeing in my seminars. They are usually far more the "dominant ones" -- and in fact, they are usually the ones that "rail against" the Bond girl analogy. I often hear the "that's not why we had the Women's Revolution" schtick. The thing is -- are women happier? I think women today have taken on WAY too much, that they are "overwhelmed" because they aren't willing to "relinquish" some of this, they think the second they are "supportive" that they are submissive and a doormat. I think this is awful. My mother (who is in her 70s, but don't tell her I told you! :-) ) still runs her own very high powered business, but makes lunch for my dad every day, makes dinner, does the dishes, listens to what went on in his day, etc. This doesn't make her a "doormat." This makes her "treasured" by her "man." I am living proof of the same -- I make my "James's" life "easier" by doing the groceries, cooking most of the meals, doing the laundry and the like -- AND I am an attorney, a real estate agent, writing a book, doing seminars on fEmpowerment, a successful public speaker, a massage therapist, getting my certificate degree in Sexology....it's all a matter of ATTITUDE. I drop my competitive attitude at the door when I come home -- and my home is a MUCH BETTER place for it. I am truly treasured.

How should a woman emulating the Bond girl lifestyle act on job interviews and with prospective employers?
A Bond girl in business is passionate about what she does, and an expert at it. She doesn't complain, she doesn't play into politics (there is NOT ENOUGH TIME). She is #1 at her job. She is quietly efficient. She "does" instead of "brag that she does." She listens. She gives credit where it's due -- and she doesn't take credit where it's not. Again -- a Bond girl in business is doing her "leading" role -- even if what she "leads at" is being a secretary. In this example, she is #1 at being a secretary -- though she might be "#2" to her boss (who in this example is sort of her "James"). Bond girls (again, think Dr. Christmas Jones, or any of a number of the others) are not "sexy at work" -- give me a break. They are smart, efficient, and the top of their game. They also know, however, HOW to be #2 -- and how to turn it off.

What kind of real life Bond girl like adventures can a woman participate in?
Anything she's passionate about.

How should she deal with the villains in her life?
In the Bond films, the Bond girls face "villains" because Bond put her in harm's way somehow. This is where she needs to let him do what he's supposed to do -- dispatch them and get on with what they're up to. This is not really her responsibility -- and he best understand that it's his! The biggest "villains" or "enemies" in a Bond girl's life are often her own attitude that she can't do something, or complaining/gossiping and generating negative energy. There just isn't enough time in life for that. If a woman takes care of her "James, " believe you me, he will take care of her. And if not...find another. It's your choice. Life's short -- live it with passion and commitment.

What should be her signature drink? Her signature perfume?
Whatever she pleases. Remember -- a Bond girl is UNIQUE, unlike all those Double Os! The most important thing is that she should KNOW WHAT SHE LIKES "BUT"........she needs to be a good sport and try new things, too. A drink is fairly fun to design as your "signature" -- as recently covered in my interview in Ardent Spirits (by Gary Regan) . The idea of our Mixology seminar is to help women understand what else is out there, and to have some fun so they don't just order "a glass of chardonnay, please." But again, let's say that you like a Vesper Martini with Tanqueray/Stoli and Lillet Blanc, extra olives, shaken hard (that would be my drink) . If they don't know how to make it at the bar, you can either tell them OR -- you can just 'fall back" to a regular martini with extra olives, and a nice helping of Vermouth...the key thing is, NEVER MAKE A FUSS. This is again a Bond grrl trait -- she's not an "Eek Girl" but she also knows that life is just too short to argue about things like this. (And it makes you go from looking "different and mysterious" to "difficult" the second you're doing things like sending drinks back).

As for perfume, frankly, this can turn people off. I wear a pheremone-based scent that changes based on your own body chemistry. (It's called Pure Instinct and I sell it on my website http://www.passionesq.com/ as well as other sex-related items...you didn't ask the "sex" question I notice (LAUGH).) I have never, ever, found Pure Instinct to be perceived as "offensive" in a public or private setting.

Where does a woman living the Bond girl lifestyle on a budget travel?
Wherever her James takes her.

How will living the James Bond lifestyle help women be successful in their everyday lives? For example, work life, love life, social life, etc.?
I think that's pretty much covered above...be passionate, and be fEmpowered (living an empowered but feminine lifestyle). Embrace the Yin and the Yang. Embrace life.

Are you free, or in bondage?

2006-02-18T08:17:00.000-08:00

Everything that you get/do/feel is directly related to your PERCEPTION of whether you are free, or in bondage.

Everything.

If you feel that you are "in bondage" on a certain issue (that you're not free, due to "circumstances" or "responsibilities" or...name that tune), then you're never going to get to ecstatic feelings about it.

Similarly, if you feel that you are "free" with respect to a certain issue, then you can get there -- even if it's a long long way off.

This is all about your PERCEPTION of your CONTROL.

There are certain events that you can't "control" per se. Hurricanes, for example. When this happens, your job is NOT TO DWELL ON IT -- it's to adapt to it, and move on. Don't try to change or fix it. (This is also the situation when you're dealing with ANOTHER PERSON -- hello, we can't treat our Jameses like homes, where we move in to demolish and rebuild!) Don't get toxic about it. And STOP complaining about it. I heard a gal say the other day "Complaining about another person and sending bad vibes at them is like taking poison yourself, hoping it will get them sick." Stop making YOURSELF toxic and sick this way.

There are certain events that you THINK you can't control -- but you can. You're just lazy, or haven't learned how. Time management. Goal setting. Debt reduction. You can become good, because what it takes is PRACTICE. Here, you need to become an "inventor." Inventors are people who take events that everyone things "just are" -- and they bring control to them.

You need to maximize the events that you can control, learn how to control the events that you think you can't but you can, and then have a reality check with respect to events you can't control, and stop putting energy into them.

The quicker you do this -- the quicker you're going to be Free. And if I can say one thing about Bond grrls -- they are free. They live in exotic locations. They are not 'tied down' -- or if they are, it's because they own some fantastic boat, or business, or other thing they are passionate about (and generally help Bond with).

Smiling...

2006-02-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

This is a very little post (yeah that's what I always say). I want to post more about Oprah's "Debt Diet" -- but I need to re-watch the show and digest to post. My Baby Bond Grrl watched the show (I mentioned it to her on her site) and she has SIGNED her CONTRACT to pay her debt down. It's strict but so exciting.

But -- to what I was going to write about. Today, I practiced something I have been thinking about.

I mentioned before about smiling at people to raise your own spirits -- but also to raise the WORLD's spirits. Today, walking to the seminars I am taking, I practiced this. I would smile at someone, and ALMOST always, they would smile back. Now, this is the ticket...once they smile, you look down and away (what I call the "shy look"). This is your "mystery" look. (Remember, "mystery" is not being a tough "mysterious" serious Garbo-type....mystery is many things.) Now, here is the secret. KEEP SMILING as you keep walking.

They can't take their eyes off you (you can see this out of your peripheral vision). You know why? Because your continuing to smile as you keep watching is telling them that THEIR SMILE just MADE YOUR DAY. You are signaling to them that them smiling at you has MADE YOUR SMILE LAST.

So let's think about it again. You're walking SLOW-LY, because you're not late (ok, I have to work on that part). Not too slow, not too fast, Bond Grrl walking.

Someone looks at you. Practice with folks that aren't "threatening" (which generally means someone of the opposite sex, but who you don't feel is trying to jump you (laugh)). They catch your eye (just happens) and you smile at them -- remember, SMILE IN YOUR EYES, don't just smile with your mouth. (Think Kittens and Puppies if that helps and you're not "in the smiling mood.") They will NEARLY ALWAYS smile back.

Now, if you hold their eye, they're going to talk to you or approach you -- which is not what this is about. So that's where you look "down and away," think "smiling and mysterious" (or "I have a secret and it makes me smile"). Keep walking, keep smiling until they CAN'T SEE YOU any more.

If you look at them, you will see it. You have "made their day" because they think they have "made your day." And you know what? It will make them smile more. And that will lighten up a little bit more of the world -- bit by bit by bit.

You're going to love it :-)

Notes...

2006-02-13T09:10:00.000-08:00

I am going through my email and other "cyber-files," trying to get things cleared and cleaned for (gasp) tax time. It's not really that bad -- I keep my files on Quickbooks or Quicken, so really it's just a matter of going through and arranging and figuring out what credit card I'm going to pay my taxes on this time (joke! joke!)

In going through my email, however, one of the things that I really do try to do is keep my "inbox" for things that are actually "in process." Meaning -- things I am dealing with. If they are jokes that I haven't read in a month -- hey, they will come back around again. If they are articles or podcasts I want to "check out," I put a "flag" on them in Outlook, so it "reminds me" to go read them in a week -- and gets them out of my outbox.

Today, however, I found a note called "Note." I wrote it back when my James and I were at the Vintners' Holiday at the Ahwahnee -- that was a LONG TIME AGO! The notes were on little bits of subjects; things that came to my mind and that I wanted to "add to" other longer posts on that subject. So here they are -- just Notes (so I can get them out of my Inbox).

ANGER.

The first note had to do with anger. We saw someone get really irrational at the check-in desk...which was interesting, because we had come in and found out that our reservation was "mislaid" as well. These folks came in just as we were getting things all squared away.

My note says "unlike a martini, in anger, one should be stirred -- not shaken." What it came around to was this -- when something goes wrong, sure, it's going to stir you up -- but don't let it "shake you to your core." These folks were super upset and super "rattled" because of the mix-up. The woman was looking at the guy, and you could really see that she was getting more and more upset at how things were panning out. In my favorite book on this sort of subject -- "How To Live The James Bond Lifestyle" by Kyriazi, he talks a lot about thinking about how your reactions are going to effect the people you are with. This was a great example of this phrase in action.

My James was not happy that OUR reservation was lost, either -- but he basically "stirred" our reception guy into action -- slowly adding and mixing and getting what he wanted. The other guy just started shaking (metaphorically) his reception gal -- hard! -- as if that was going to help. Maybe this comes down to what my mom says -- "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."

WALKING:
In my constant attempt to describe the "Bond grrl walk" (which I did in a previous post), I thought of something when I was at the Ahwahnee. They have a REALLY long hallway from reception to the elevators (plenty of room to "practice"). The note that I wrote to myself is to "keep your shoulders down, but elevation your ribs away from your hips." If you are hunched down (so the bottom of your ribs is "close to" the top of your hips) it's very hard to move your hips back and forth down the "line" as I described in the previous post. You don't want to lift your ~shoulders~ (hunching) -- what you want to concentrate on is holding your ribcage "up and away" from your hips. This gives you more "room" in your torso to turn your hips the way that you should, to get that awesome Bond grrl walk.

Also about walking -- one thing that I made a note about was whether or not anyone has ever seen a skeleton -- in an Anatomy class, or the like. The thing about skeletons is that their shoulder blades (in back) are FLAT on the skeleton's back. When you think about the way that you sit or the way you walk, is the bottom corner of your shoulder blade "poking out" backwards? You can test this this way:

1. Sit up, shoulders down, ribs "elevated," but relaxed.
2. Now reach back with your right hand, and put the back of your hand (not your palm) up and lie it on your shoulderblade of your left arm. (If you're not that flexible, you will just reach to the bottom of the blade -- if you're more flexible, you might be able to reach your whole back of your hand onto that shoulderblade.)
3. Where is the bottom "point" of the shoulderblade, in relation to your spine? It should only be an inch or two away. Try this -- roll your left shoulder forward -- see how that "point" moves away from your spine, and sort of "sticks up" and away from your backbone/spine? Now, concentrate NOT on "rolling your shoulders back" (it will do this anyway) but instead, concentrate on moving the two bottom "points" of your shoulderblades towards your spine. IF you roll your shoulders up, then down and back (so your chest goes out), this will bring the points even closer together.
4. This is how the points of a shoulderblade actually "hang" on a skeleton! So if yours are not in that position....it means that your muscles and your posture has made it so that you are not able to be in the right "neutral" position for your actual bone structure.

Wild, huh? Give it a try.

PLATE CLIPS: One thing I also noted from the Ahwahnee (at one of the receptions) was they had "plate clips" -- little clips that you put on the edge of your plate, that then "holds" your wine glass next to it. I thought this was amazingly slick.

LAUGHING: I wrote a BIG part of the note about having a laugh that's contageous, but not annoying...but I do know I wrote about that. (I made the "Mary Poppins" comment re the song "I Love To Laugh" in this note...and I actually remember posting something about this.)

That's it!

Have a great day!

S

Every Day Is A New Day...

2006-02-08T09:31:00.000-08:00

Yeah yeah. I know that's something that you hear all the time. Every day (in fact, every second) is a "new" one -- a "fresh" one to get your will power back, get joyful, get where you want. Life is not a bunch of Ka-BOOM! moments, where life-changing things happen in an instant. (Now, mind you, there ARE some of those, but not that many. Good thing, too!)

Had some surgery yesterday -- nothing "major," had to have a fatty tumor thing removed from my jawline (OH PRETTY) -- plus had to have some "melia" (ducts that get blocked) removed from next to my eyes from the surgery last year to fix the muscles that hold up my eyelids. (Don't EVER "get old" (laugh!)) So anyway, as I figured I would be bruised and somewhat swollen today, I left my calendar totally open.

Today is the office meeting at Coldwell Banker, where I'm a realtor. (Yes, realtor, lawyer, life coach, Bond grrl...what next? (smile).) The real estate "thing" is SO FRUSTRATING -- you can work as hard as you want at it, but if someone isn't "ready to buy a house," then, there you go. Also, there are about 3 real estate agents for every resident in my county...so it's just a WEE bit competitive out there.

I became an agent because my James said that he knew we would really need to find another house to be "our" house -- this was before he had the Bright Idea of us doing it in about 2-3 years (and with him doing some remodelling in the meantime). So I'm not really sure what I'm doing, doing this. I would rather be working on my book -- on expanding my Bond grrl "practice" as it were. But I have added another "job" to my day. Silly, really.

I'm currently potentially planning a seminar for folks who are 55 and older -- an "Options" seminar about what they can do to get out of a house that's too big for them, without getting whacked by huge taxes and such. I had a meeting yesterday that I was supposed to lead...and I had it in my calendar wrong, so showed up 1/2 hour late (to my OWN meeting). Yikes -- and my broker, and lots of people I'm supposed to "impress," were there. Not good. I could tell my broker was pissed, which is REALLY not good. All these folks could potentially get business off this -- one's a title company, one's a mortgage broker, one's a real estate attorney who also does trusts, etc. But guess who has to pay for the seminar? ME. It's "my seminar" I was informed, and tho the title company/mortgage company will help with food and my broker will pay for 1/2 the bulk rate of any mailings I do, the advertising, calendaring, renting the room at the venue, etc. are all -- on me.

So now I have to figure out whether this is something I really want to do. Should I treat it as a way to hone my speaking skills -- and go for it? It's going to cost me definitely a few $100s to do it -- the rental of the hall alone is $250. I will admit that I would rather get a bit "removed" from my law biz (where most of my $ comes from), and do "something else" -- so is this the stepping stone to the "something else"? What I want to be is an inspirational speaker -- and I want it to be on the Bond grrl stuff. I want to get the book out -- I want to really make my "mark" in this way, and I feel confident that I can DO it.

When I do the Passion Parties business (did you see that Montel had a PP rep on, last week? I missed it but I wish I'd seen it!), I love educating the gals, I love doing it all. I don't love the packing up, inventorying product, ordering, etc. -- but I love the actual "doing the show" part of it. So maybe I need to do the real estate seminar -- to work on my presenting and "inspiring" skills.

Anyway -- it's a puzzler. But I'm so so glad to have the day off -- I have stuff piling up that needs to get into my computer (finance stuff -- yes, I practice what I preach, and EVERY bit of $ I spend goes into my computer and my budget!), and it feels like a little "holiday."

I was talking with one of my best grrls the other day about the whole "plan your life and live your plan" idea. She said something that's really been working for her is that she plans EVERYTHING to do each day -- including going to the gym, meals, prayer, the works. Then, she makes sure that every day, somewhere in the middle, she also plans a "free hour." Yes, it's hard to figure out how to do that at first, but if you plan it in every day, sooner or later you will get things "fixed up" so you have that. The hour can be different on each day, each week, etc. The idea is just to put it in.

So, this "free hour" can be used up for anything that comes up in a 24 hour period before the free hour. Example -- you "book" 3:30-4:30 on Wednesday for your "free hour" -- and Tuesday night at 7:00 your sister calls up and says that she really has to talk about something, or your boss says on Tuesday at 5:00 that he needs some new work done that you can't really do that day, etc. You are able to tell that person "how about 3:30 tomorrow?" -- and you KNOW you have that built-in breathing space, just for stuff like that. If it DOESN'T get used up, well, you have an hour to go for a walk, or shut your door and do some deep breathing, etc. But the reasoning here is to CONSCIOUSLY plan "breaks" like that in each and every day.

Then (and this one sounds a little scarier to me! (laugh), my friend said that she has one day in the week where she doesn't plan anything. Now she, like me, is an independent contractor, so it's not like she has to go to work 9-5. But she said that she winds up doing work on the weekends, etc. (which is what I'm doing now too, on the realtor front -- I have to sit Open Houses every Sunday afternoon). So she does her morning stuff for herself (gym, meditation), and then she has "nothing planned" for that day from the week before. The idea of THIS is that if something crazy comes up that she "has to do that week," she has a whole day every week to 'fill up' with these emergency-type things. If she doesn't get any emergency-type things, she goes for a hike, reads a book, or has a little downtime.

I thought a lot about this one. Her business is similar to mine -- again, an independent contractor business where a lot of it involves running around to meet potential new clients, planning "coffee meetings," things like that. But I think that what she's talking about is basically a day like I "planned" to have today -- "nothing is planned" (though I will be working on stuff that comes in via email, and catching up my financial stuff, etc.)

I like this idea, because in looking at my calendar, I don't have to "rush off" to do anything today -- whereas nearly every day, I do. I have some coffee meeting, or someone I am meeting for something or another. Even "rushing to" a Pilates class for example. This morning, because I "could" because of the surgery yesterday (though I feel totally fine, just a little sore and it's a spot on my jaw for goodness sake), I stayed in bed -- and my James stayed in bed too. Bad boy -- we normally go for a hike through the forest and cemetery next to the house (it's a really nice spot), hiking through to the next town to get coffee and walking back. But this morning was just "rest day." And that was really nice, too. It felt kinda "bad" -- like eating a really luscious dessert that's not on your diet. How funny, huh? Just "not doing" something (which we do enjoy!) and staying in bed an hour later, and we feel all "secret, 1/2-smile-y" about it.

So, I share this with you, because it's something I hadn't thought that much about before. I think that it's something I really want to try -- to not "have to run" to anything, one day a week, and one hour a day. For me, of course, that literally means planning that day...which is sort of funny, planning to not plan??? And it's not "playing" during that time -- it's just to give a "buffer zone" to do the stuff that winds up crowding and stressing out the day.

We'll see how that goes.

OH -- and I recently wrote a note to a broadcaster from Chicago -- she does a podcast called "Diary of a Shameless Self Promoter," her name is Heidi Miller (www.heidimillerpresents.com I think is her website). I was listening to her podcast (which is a web broadcast you can download and listen to on your MP3 player/iPod) and one of her guests said something that wasn't really correct about intellectual property. I am not usually one to 'write in' to shows, but I thought I would do so, just because I find that people so often don't really know what they're talking about in this area -- and they wind up "looking stupid." I give a lot of talks on this subject in my "legal life" (www.goodsolutions.com). Anyway -- the broadcaster emailed me -- she wants not only to read my letter on the show, but she wants to interview me a few times, and potentially have me as a regular "guest" to answer questions. I like this idea. :-)

OK -- time to get to doin' what I gotta do!

S